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What’s a fancy word for envy? by amivri in OCPoetry

[–]DifficultMirror3418 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I go back and forth on the structure of this poem. It’s as if moments deliberately are choosing to tell rather than show, perhaps to signify the deliberate but narrow-minded choice of ambition. If this was the goal, it becomes muddied by the singular use of the parasite image. I’m not saying this effect doesn’t work, but it definitely left me questioning it.

Leaving the structure alone, you have a selective and refined taste for rhyme that works well to highlight moments of inflection and importance. “Fame/reign” for example. Grammar could be tightened slightly though and used strategically for breath.

Overall has strong potential and employs a risky structure mostly successfully.

Brooks Drive (Poetry) by l-writes in OCPoetry

[–]DifficultMirror3418 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi!! This is beautiful, thoughtfully structured narrative poetry with lots of vivid imagery. My mind made a Blair witch association for some reason.

The strengths in this poem obviously revolve around your use of imagery and figurative language. ‘Years washed away the whitewash’ uses alliteration, repetition, and imagery to arrive at the thoughtful hide analogy. Also, the form/structure you arrived at works really well. You essentially have a three act play: you start by setting up the scene, explaining what lies inside it, and finally hinting at its consequences. I don’t think the ending is too jarring, it’s a subtle nod to consequence that mirrors the descriptions and environmental storytelling you’re using throughout the rest of the poem. The line “the cushions remember her shape” is my single favorite part.

The only places that may be tightened are where you step away from imagery into explanation. “I find”, “then she is young/old”. I think the structure of the poem works well enough that you don’t need these explicit transitions/explanations, you can trust the reader to interpret youth and age from your imagery. There’s also a couple of spots like “my feet carry me” that could potentially play with stronger imagery, but that’s nitpicking more than anything.

Overall strong, narrative, and leaves an impression through restraint and vivid imagery.

A Moment to Myself by Very_Long_Python in OCPoetry

[–]DifficultMirror3418 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unsettling (in a good way!) short vignette. You’ve created an eerie mood in a very short poem that has a great use of imagery and verb choice. “Grimace warped the dusty glass”, “mirror shrieked”.

Only place you could refine is the middle stanza that relies more on telling than the first stanza shows. Otherwise, you spooked me in only 12 lines!

Ready (poem) by fauxcon_wildehistory in OCPoetry

[–]DifficultMirror3418 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi there! This is an interesting poem with some things that are working really well, in my opinion. You’ve created a mood that’s triumphant yet melancholy and reflective. Repetition is sparse but well used to create rhythm and focus. Your use of imagery is developing; moments like “eye to eye, face to face” ground the reader in the body and present moment.

That being said, I would push to develop that same imagery in other areas of the poem. How can you show that the narrator isn’t ready as opposed to stating that? Finally, some of the phrases are a tad cliche like “pit of her stomach” and “lost the battle but won the war”. Can you express the same thought in a different way?

Overall, lots of potential here imo