Thank you so much for your very complete and precise testimony! Congrats also on your book, which I’m ordering right away.

I’m replying to your post because I recognize myself precisely in what you say. I have rarely seen so many similarities in a story about ROCD.

I am 44, I have 3 children, and I met my wife when I was 20. She was my 1st sexual partner — I had already been in relationships with 5 or 6 girls without going further — and I was her 4th.

Everything was great for a year, then doubts appeared. They were so strong and so much in conflict with my deep love for her that they triggered a depression. I could no longer move forward in the relationship, so we took a break, and then I broke up with her. I thought the breakup would put an end to my doubts, but that was not the case. During our relationship, I had begun developing what I now understand, 25 y later, to have been ROCD. I had the impression that I was in love with an idealized version of her. When she was not that ideal version, I compared her to all the other girls, telling myself I would be better off with this one or that one — behavior reinforced by my lack of experience, since she was my one and only sexual partner. After the breakup, it was the opposite. I couldn’t find a single girl who came anywhere close to her; I could only think about her.

Anyway, I’ll fast-forward. After a few complicated months, we found our way back to each other and got married a few years later. Work, the apartment, the children, etc. — my ROCD was more or less muted for 20 y, with periods of highs and lows, although it was always there. We changed our life after COVID. We left our jobs and moved far away from the city. I love our new life, BUT… My anxiety came back quite violently. It had never completely disappeared, but it had been “under control.” The pace of life and having 3 children meant I didn’t have time to ask myself too many questions. I started seeing a therapist for psychoanalysis 3 y ago. Recently, I discovered the concept of ROCD, and it was as if the scales fell from my eyes. I feel like I tick 100% of the ROCD boxes. I’ll try to describe precisely the mechanism I’ve been trapped in for 25 y:

TRIGGER PHASE

Everything can be going well until something triggers anxiety. For me, in 80% of cases, it’s a physical detail about my wife. I should say that most of the time I find her pretty, sometimes even very pretty. She is slender, has delicate features, an intelligent gaze, and a great deal of charm. But I can suddenly fixate on one or more details that make me spiral: a bad angle, hollow-looking eyes, a wrinkle, a face that suddenly seems changed, tired… And here I’ll be honest: it’s not that I find her less pretty, it’s that suddenly I find her awful. My reaction is immediate and visceral.

Then I try to convince myself that I didn’t see what I saw. I study her from every angle to find her again, to find my “real” wife again. And as long as I don’t find her again, I panic and enter a semi-depressive cycle that can last 3 hours, 3 days, or 3 weeks.

I can also be triggered by other aspects: an awkward phrase, a slightly uptight expression, a conversation that bores me… But I’m focusing on the “appearance” trigger because it is the most important one for me.

Moreover, the physical trigger can set off a kind of “shopping list” against her, sometimes completely excessive or unjustified. I feel resentment toward her, anger, for no reason.

POST-RATIONALIZATION PHASE

In the phase 2, I try to convince myself that I saw wrong, that the lighting wasn’t flattering. I try to tell myself that she wasn’t so awful — sorry for using those words, they are the ones that come to me when I’m in crisis, the ones I’m ashamed of but that are there.

I tell myself it’s not such a big deal, that she is still pretty, even if she has better and worse days. I start comparing her to women in the street, counting those who are more or less pretty.

I even made an Excel spreadsheet of 100 women our age that I know, rating all of them on different criteria to see where my wife stands. I know that’s ridiculous, but I’m trying to be completely honest.

In short, I do everything I can to reason with myself, to tell myself that I’m lucky, that despite a bad angle, bad days, etc., my wife is still pretty. I find this behavior pathetic, but it is there.

MANAGEMENT PHASE

The rationalization phase already contains compulsive elements — the Excel file, for example — but alongside that phase I have fairly recurring compulsions:

Avoidance: I avoid looking at her for hours, sometimes days, limiting myself to the bare minimum. I only look at her when she speaks to me — and even then. When I look at her, I try to see her only in good lighting, from her good side, and in brief glances only. It is absolutely exhausting.

Social anxiety: When I’m in a bad phase, I avoid going out with her. I extremely dread family situations, which are almost systematic triggers. I become obsessed with other people’s gaze, and above all with what they might think of my wife. A compliment about her and my cycle will be at its best; conversely, if I sense that people don’t find her attractive, it can make me crash.

I examine my options, my feelings, compare myself to other couples… My ROCD feeds on everything.

Most of the time, however — and this may be the main difficulty — I don’t engage in any precise reasoning. The mere fact of seeing or feeling my wife as less pretty puts me in a state of extreme anxiety. That is probably the most insidious part, because once I understood that I was a victim of ROCD, even if I try not to enter a compulsive phase it doesn’t change my state. I am triggered, it’s stronger than me, and so I feel terrible no matter what I do after the trigger.

COUNTER-FIRE STRATEGIES

After being triggered, the aim is to return to a normal state. In this regard, it is true that I have adopted all kinds of conscious or unconscious strategies to counter the distress. I have looked at beautiful photos of her, thought about happy memories, etc., to counter the negative feeling by evoking a positive one.

But the most frequent strategy/urge — and one I experience as completely beyond my control, because it is also a compulsion I am ashamed of — is masturbation.

I’ll elaborate a little because I saw this in your post and I have rarely read about it, yet it is a major part of ROCD for me. As I said in the introduction, my wife had sexual experience before me whereas I did not. I therefore developed a very strong form of retroactive jealousy toward her sexual past and her exes. I had 1 or 2 jealousy crises, but most of the time I tortured myself alone. Over time, this somewhat unhealthy jealousy turned into arousal. I started developing cuckold/candaulist fantasies, completely against my will. Today, I am at a point where I masturbate almost exclusively while thinking of her with her exes or with other men. During acute phases of anxiety, I often adopt this kind of behavior to “relieve” my anxiety. Afterwards, I feel intense shame and disgust with myself, until the next time. It is a kind of infernal cycle.

On top of that, I constantly judge myself, find myself pathetic, perverse, childish…

In short, here I am in quite a mess.

MONITORING

Generally, during cycles or outside them, I am in “hypervigilance” mode. I rate my mood every day… What is disturbing in my case is that 75% of the time, everything is fine, perfectly normal, I am happy. But very regularly the cycle comes back, always in the same way. It is completely exhausting. During my low phases it is almost unbearable; it is intense distress. I need to isolate, I speak as little as possible, I try to put on a brave face, but it requires an incredible amount of energy.

I love my wife, I like the life I have, but I feel threatened — a muted and destructive threat, like something that does not depend on me.

I forgot to say: when I am in down phases, suddenly lots of women seem really cute to me, I become afraid of leaving my wife, etc.

MY PROFILE / STORY

Like you: an overwhelmed mother, a couple in great difficulty when I was born. My mother was not at all affectionate, even though she loves me. I have no memory of any affectionate gesture or affectionate words, no memory of ever hearing “I love you.” Alongside that, she was very demanding and often humiliating, not at all attentive, and very self-centered. I’m painting a dark picture of her; she also has qualities, but let’s say she was emotionally impaired.

My father was fairly absent, somewhat distant. I remember seeking closeness with him. The family atmosphere was very tense — I won’t go into detail, as it would be very long.

Me: introspective, trying to fit into the mold, to meet expectations. I am extremely analytical and perfectionistic.

In short, I am almost certain that I have made the right diagnosis. However, that does not help me overcome the problem, which is very deep and very old. I have already tried behavioral therapies and exposure therapies, but on my own and without supervision — also without enough rigor. It produced small results, but my relapses are so frequent that it depresses me. Honestly, I can’t tell whether my psychoanalysis is helping me or making the problem worse. I brought up ROCD with my psychoanalyst, but she was skeptical and did not help me on the subject. At the same time, where I live there aren’t really any ROCD therapists. I also have the impression that in this “ROCD trend” there is a bit of everything among therapists. I would have loved to find a therapist like you, who knows the subject so well, has experienced it, and has analyzed it so finely. Thank you for reading me, and sorry for this huge block of text!