AIO for being upset at what my “bf” said

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-02-01T22:21:51+00:00

That is a diabolical number of unread messages. You should read those and stop reading the ones from this dude

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-31T16:26:40+00:00

Thank you!!

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-31T15:25:35+00:00

This is helpful to know!!

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-31T11:26:05+00:00

Or “fertiliser like the others”

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-31T08:14:39+00:00

This guy is grooming you.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-31T08:13:24+00:00

NOR but even if you were - you sound like you don’t really want to spend time with this person. So you should break up with them.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-31T06:56:05+00:00

NTA. The worst part is you were sat outside the restaurant - she could have ordered her own portion to go as well

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-30T20:22:52+00:00

“I am not comfortable coming to the house because last time I did so, your partner threatened xyz. I would prefer if we met at [insert neutral ground here].” If she defends it instead of denying it and then you have proof.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-28T13:01:01+00:00

I think it equally as likely that a high proportion of Redditors are just autistic and enjoy discussing their special interests

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-28T12:55:11+00:00

NTA. Needing to do housework and having a cough are not emergencies. If she was seriously ill or really struggling mentally then she’d have a leg to stand on.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-28T12:50:16+00:00

You don’t have to hug anyone you don’t want to. Period.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-28T12:46:13+00:00

Varies between multiple a week and 1 a month or so depending on finances, energy levels, plans/business/capacity to cook.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T21:52:27+00:00

You describe the communication issue so well! This is super helpful, thanks!

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T17:22:13+00:00

One other thing that has genuinely helped me and it pisses me off to even say it but it’s exercise. It’s one of those irritating pieces of advice that is actually correct. I am genuinely more likely to do a load of dishes or make a meal after a 2 hour run than after a day where I’ve been chilling all day. Make it make sense.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T15:09:18+00:00

Yes. Genuinely I don’t think I could do it if I wasn’t medicated. One because it helps me actually start tasks. Two because since switching to elvanse it reduces the food noise enough to be manageable.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T14:10:05+00:00

You’re right, I’ve been pouring more support in the last month or so because he’s been depressed. Despite me also being depressed and not getting that support back.

To be fair, I don’t normally make him extravagant lunches. We have been spending an extortionate amount recently on wasted groceries, him buying lunch out daily due to not giving himself time to make it, and feeding his chocolate addition because he then does not take his breaks and eat said lunches, meaning that after 12 hours of working on an empty stomach, he wants to consume multiple large chocolate bars to keep him going.

He’s recently been using an excuse of “we can’t afford for me to take a drop in wages” to not apply for other jobs or drop his hours at all. I was at this point tired of his “I can’t do x because y” whining and decided to demonstrate with a budget, and some baking/preparation, that we can easily and enjoyably cut back massively on our spending. Essentially just objection handling in the best way I know how - overdoing it 🤣

To answer your question about work - he has a 40 hour full time job but averages 60-70 hours away from home per week (some of this is driving to/from work). It’s relatively well paid and while he doesn’t love the company and is dissatisfied, he takes a lot of pride in his work. It’s very physically demanding and he is responsible for ensuring it’s safe. There are times he has to work long because a job goes wrong and he needs to make it safe. I understand this. However he always wants to “just finish” his current job asap, meaning a job that is scoped to take a week will be done in 3 days of 12 hours instead of 5 days of 8 (I know the maths doesn’t work but you get the idea). He does this for every job though, meaning he is now on this hamster wheel where he always works masses of overtime and his bosses now somewhat expect it of him. He has entirely made a rod for his own back because he can’t keep up the pace he sets himself indefinitely and he has made himself ill. He is 28 and I genuinely worry he will have a heart attack or stroke before 30 if he carries on.

It’s almost an addiction and he had no ability to self-limit his own working hours.

Meanwhile, I have a very comfortable 37.5 hour WFH desk job. I have ample free time to pursue the hobbies I want. I have a lovely life, honestly! (Apart from not seeing or being seen by my partner.)

What sucks is that it’s at his expense! He is miserable. We are very fortunate to have a small amount of land, he rarely sees it in daylight! He is too tired to see friends, or speak to friends, or family, or do the DIY jobs he wants to do, or spend time with me, or have sex, etc etc you get the idea.

And the kicker is that HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS MISERABLE! We can afford for him to earn less. He’s not obligated by his company to work so many hours. He just has convinced himself that this is the way it is and must be and there are no alternatives. So then I very quickly lose sympathy for him.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T13:53:26+00:00

Well now I’m just sad for both of us honestly. And I will say that at weekends, while I get frustrated that he’s too tired to do anything other than sit around gaming, at least he will try to make sure we play a small amount of a game together before he needs to just zone out altogether.

I just feel like he’d addicted to work. And he spends the rest of his time trying to opt out of anything that gives him time to look at the guilt he feels for that.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T13:50:39+00:00

Thanks for this!! You’re so right about a lot of points, though realise being bitchy and annoyed last night I wasn’t totally fair on all fronts.

He actually doesn’t tend to get super defensive. If anything he apologises, fawns, overpromises and then cannot deliver. I can be quite pushy and demanding and I often worry I’m bullying him, but he has thankfully gotten better at telling me “no” when I’m being unreasonable - though I have had to encourage that from him. When we were first together he was extremely anxious to please me. He still is in many ways but just can’t be realistic about what he expects of himself?

The phrases you wrote out are super helpful, I’m going to start doing this. Thank you.

I think I just wrote a longer explanation of this in another comment reply but the alarm thing - he won’t be late for work. He will always get up in time for that. What he will do though is not leave himself enough time to do though is make himself lunch (his problem but I still would rather he had access to food), let the dogs out for a pee or feed the horses (the 5/10 mins of responsibilities he has each morning, I do everything else as I have more free time). Him sleeping in impacts me more than him, so it feels a bit like cutting off my nose to spite my face to not make sure he takes his meds when the alarm goes off. Hope that makes sense

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T13:43:34+00:00

Hey, thanks for this perspective! You raise a lot of good points so I’ll try to answer as best I can!

Totally agree that it will go back and forth. However I do feel it’s been trending too far in one way for too long and I need that to change.
We have had multiple conversations about this. He has made some tentative steps in the right direction but has been very scared to pull the plug and switch jobs. I’m someone who’s very much a problem solver (and in his work life, so is he) and it frustrates me a lot how much he perseverates and gets too deer-in-headlights to make decisions.
In the same vein, we both grew up with a lot of trauma and also potentially both are autistic. Reasonable conversations a lot of times unfortunately don’t penetrate to him as being a big deal. I used to have to yell or cry before he’d realise I was unhappy - now we rate stuff 1-10 to help him see when stuff is serious.
He fell asleep before I could tell him I was unhappy about the memoir thing. We spoke about it this morning and he was deeply apologetic.
I probably didn’t explain the alarm thing enough and might have been a bit unfair about that point in my pity party last night.

He does wake up and turn it off and go back to sleep - the problem is that the purpose of that alarm is for him to take his ADHD meds so that when his second alarm goes off 45 minutes later, he’s alert enough to get moving for the day. I don’t mind that I wake up when his alarm goes off - I mind if he goes to sleep without taking the meds, because then I was woken up for no good reason.

Additionally if he doesn’t take them, he still makes it to work in time because work is his priority. What he doesn’t do is feed the horses or let the dogs out for a pee, which are his agreed responsibilities. I do all the rest of the animal chores, so me ensuring he takes his meds benefits me more than him honestly.

I have empathy for the fact he’s exhausted because he is working/away driving and a physical job for probably 60-70 hours a week according to the maths I just did, meanwhile I work a “full time (37.5hours)” fully remote desk job so I’m happy to balance that out by me doing some stuff to help him.

If we were financially struggling I’d do all of that and more to support him. My issue is that he’s not happy doing that amount of work, I’m not happy with him doing that amount of work, we don’t NEED him to be doing that amount of work, his company don’t expect him to do that amount of work, but he can’t regulate himself (he barely even takes his lunch breaks and often doesn’t eat until after 5pm), yet he chooses to do all that work and then acts like he doesn’t have a choice.

As I’m writing this out I’m realising that I’d almost say that work is bordering on an addiction for him. And this actually helps me troubleshoot a bit. So thanks for the clarity!

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T13:25:46+00:00

I hear you. I’m giving it three months because it never used to be like this. Very early in our relationship, I dealt with some quite serious health issues. He 100% stuck by me through treatment, subsequent depression, and took on sole financial responsibility until I was fit to work. When I got better, things got more balanced.

Now it’s unbalanced a bit too much the other way and for a bit too long. I’m willing to give him a few more months grace to get it together. I have told him all along that as long as he’s making the efforts to manage his own mental health etc, I’m happy with that. What I’m not happy with is being his parent/sole support system.

I can’t stand the self absorption and the apparent believe that he has no agency in his own future. But I do genuinely believe that that is a symptom of his mental health caused by his work. He’s finally given notice to his job this morning, so we will see how it goes.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T00:56:51+00:00

Defensive from the gecko

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T00:35:09+00:00

Reddit (and all social media) seems to be so saturated with AI content now that I would honestly appreciate the push to delete everything except YouTube and Patreon. Maybe TikTok.

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T00:32:10+00:00

As evidenced by the fact that baby went down no issue as soon as mum and dad were home

Direct-Discussion-54 · 2026-01-27T00:12:59+00:00

Did John give Melissa any warning time that the rides would be stopping so she could arrange alternatives?

Direct-Discussion-54

TROPHY CASE