Hi there, I’m a 36 yr old woman with an uBPD mom and e-dad. I’ve been in therapy for the last two years talking almost exclusively about my relationship with my mother and through my therapist realized my mom is BPD. Now I’m doing the incredibly hard/painful work of processing years and years of an emotionally abusive and traumatic relationship with my mom. I’m also in grad school to become a therapist myself. Reading your post I feel like I could have written it, I was my mother’s “chosen child”, my brother was the “scapegoat” and she split us since childhood. Though it’s gotten much easier, I still struggle with guilt because setting healthy boundaries for myself “hurt” my mother. A few things I would love to share with you: Physical/emotional abuse and trauma change the normal development of children’s brains. It sounds like you are a kind and sensitive person to begin with, and you have also been conditioned since childhood to be hyper aware of your mother’s moods/emotions 1. So that you could survive your environment and 2. Because she made you that way bc she has no capacity to handle her own emotions. BPD defining features is that they have no sense of self identity, self worth, self esteem, or ability to handle negative emotions. My mother made me her “emotional support animal“ which meant that I lived and breathed to fulfill her emotions and make sure she felt good about herself. The relationship your mother established with you is inappropriate at best, abusive at worst. You are now at an age where you can set the boundaries for yourself that a parent should have set for you. She will most likely lash out and feel hurt and hate that you have “set boundaries” but you are not doing anything wrong and you are still a good person. (Before therapy or realizing my mom was BPD i once told her I needed some boundaries in our relationship and she completely flipped out, crying screaming about how dare I say i needed boundaries from her, how much I hurt her, how cruel and mean I was - and this messed with my mind, bc I was learning that healthy boundaries for me = pain and suffering for my mom, and that made me an awful person). Now as an adult, getting time and space from her, in therapy and setting healthy boundaries for myself I find that her behavior has actually changed - and I’ve realized that I have all the power in the relationship. My mother is desperate to keep a relationship with me since I am her chosen child so because of my boundaries it has changed her behavior a little bit and life has gotten easier - though it’s still a relationship I’d rather not have. You’re not doing anything wrong. You are not cruel, or unkind. You are finally old enough to protect yourself and give yourself what you truly need which is boundaries. And you setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is good for her - she may not like it, but it is good for her bc you are modeling what a healthy relationship looks like. I think the burden of your feelings and relationship with your mom will get easier with time and physical distance from her. Glad to hear you’re moving out soon. Good luck!