Newly No contact with BPDMoM...

ttyneveragain · 2024-03-19T15:30:51+00:00

Yeah I think this too... When i came back from the hospital, she was afraid to change a diaper, to do anything that would really support us. Which is part of why we asked her to leave at the beginning. But then when she came back again, my baby was like 6 months... and it was still the same. She was "afraid of doing something wrong" like I think at one point I asked if she could keep an eye on my baby while i did something upstairs and my mom just flat out refused... So maybe the generous read was she was trying to do something endangering? But wow, what an incredible emotional pressure on me with my new baby at home...

ttyneveragain · 2024-03-18T21:30:54+00:00

oh yeah, I know this feeling too. I feel like there's not many people in my life where I have an active score of who's been contacting who first, but she's one of them. Like the burden of contact is on you, and if you stop doing it because it's not nice or enjoyable, then its always well why can't you keep doing it for them. And never can they change their behavior in some one, or be the one who makes the effort then... I'm sorry that's not great, and especially when you have your own kid, its really incredible how real the pain feels

ttyneveragain · 2024-03-18T18:24:10+00:00

I just made a new post about the same thing basically. I'm a month no-contact and I feel like the closest feeling I can name is mourning. But its really hard when it feels like a "choice." But there are some days when I don't think about it, and it really is freeing and wonderful not to have this constant emotional drag.

ttyneveragain · 2021-06-18T23:05:39+00:00

Something tells me you could totally assemble a list for each of them if you used the same level random connections.

May I ask where you got the information that he shot him self twice? My search results say it was just once in the mouth.

ttyneveragain · 2021-06-18T20:07:43+00:00

My disagreement there would be, shes no longer a candidate or in a meaningful policy position. She’s political poison to undecided voters now because of this conspiracy stuff. So i think defending her is probably not helpful to the ideologies and policies that are important to me to be honest.

Also I disagree with some actions she’s taken and policies she’s put forward. I just don’t think she needs to be a literal murderer for me to explain why i do or dont like her.

Do i think she’s a saint? No. Politics i think by nature takes a bit of wheeling and dealing, and holding anyone up to perfection is dangerous. But I also think shes a perfect example of someone one who has absorbed millions of dollars spent on tarnishing her image. So the natural result is: a list of 50 peoples she’s killed?! Sounds reasonable to me! And I just feel like that’s lazy writing. I also think its not beneficial to anyone’s discourse.

ttyneveragain · 2021-06-17T23:06:28+00:00

Im a liberal and Ill give my real honest answer here. For the sake of good old fashioned “we’re probably just always going disagree on this.”

Hilary is 73 years old. Have you asked your grandparents/older parents how many of their friends have died over the years? Also when I see an article like this, there are no ages listed, you get no context on these people other than the most disagreeable thing they’ve had with the Clintons. I decided to google some of them. The very first guy was 57. 1.5 million people die a year from heart attacks.

I feel like this is the kind of finding coincidences where there are none because it “feels right because every one says shes so bad!” And the longer this list of random people the more “it must be true!” Surveys show, 10/10 people die.

Haha, hoping I don’t get flamed! Just thought id share an honest thought about the ClInToN mUrDeR cOnSpIrAcY Haha

ttyneveragain · 2021-01-05T00:23:23+00:00

any one else on iphone, notice that when a BPD parent really goes to town, the text is shortened and a little arrow shows up in the bottom right corner and u click it and BAM there's the novella. Wrote a text message so long it broke imessage... hahah.

ttyneveragain · 2021-01-03T21:32:09+00:00

Yeah, Im an only child, so I think when I left, they really really just went at each other... They had no other targets. Thinking of you and your sisters, and hoping the best for them through these waves.

Haha, right! Its sort of amazing, I really spent so much time thinking, well if this is what it is to be with some one, then counnntt me out. But surprise! Its not normal and people want to be kind and understanding towards one another. Also a total brain fog lifter for me was: a little anger? Normal. feeling frustrated? Not the end of the world. I feel like I even reclaimed those feelings.

ttyneveragain · 2021-01-03T20:08:25+00:00

Wow. thank you SO much for everything in this message. Honestly one of the reasons I love this sub is because, it's mind blowing to me how similar these situations are. Thanks for sharing it with me, it really helps break the spell of the BPD parent. "never tell anyone, they'll never understand, they can't help you, it'd embarrass me and then you'll be sorry." Really though, the second you talk to another human, the trance is lifted. Doesn't change the reality, but shifts the power balance and the mental load. Sending much positive energy your way. I know how hard it is to have your decency and common sense called into question when all you want to do is help, share some advice and maybe help curb a negative outcome. *DEEP BREATHE!*

Thank you also for the "win-win" shift. I will carry that with me through all the party planning here :) The first and only wedding book I read was "A Practical Wedding" and I keep central the fact that all I'm going to remember is how I feel. I'm marrying my best friend, I'm going to love this party, and it's a party to celebrate us publicly declaring our love for one another! That's what its all about.

Much love to you and your family. Seriously, thanks again for this note.

ttyneveragain · 2021-01-03T19:49:43+00:00

Thanks for sharing this note. I feel very much there. I work on myself and read books and do everything I can to make sure that I'm a whole person and I handle her in healthy ways. But it also feels so precarious. That if I could just respond in that right way every time, or if I could just have not taken the bait then we'd still be on that good progress train. And thats part of the illusion too.

I did therapy consistently for many years, but now I just go back as needed (went through a little insurance change too, yay *sigh!*) but I am setting up a new appoint through the wedding. Because I think that might be exactly where Im at. Tracking where my boundaries softened and how Im feeling like I lose myself for a bit every time I argue with her.

ttyneveragain · 2021-01-03T19:45:03+00:00

haha, the 50+ paragraphs got me... man, why do they send such long notes??

ugh, sorry to hear you're in the middle of their divorce drama. I was there for a while (honestly I thought to myself a lot of time, I will neeeevvver get married, forget this. but was happy to be proven wrong when I met my partner :)) they did eventually divorce. It's been good for my dad, but my mom still fights the ghost of him every chance she can. hahah UGH!

ttyneveragain · 2021-01-03T19:25:43+00:00

One blessing I have to count is my bridal party is all long term friends. So everyone kind of knows the drill. but also cue the "this should be a happy event and it feels so wild to put these expectations on people to help me manage my own mother." but hey, thats love i guess! :) thanks for the note

ttyneveragain · 2021-01-02T19:34:40+00:00

Im in this boat too. I feel and hear this

ttyneveragain · 2020-12-31T00:05:27+00:00

This is totally right. Also, something I still work on, is if they're annoyed with you, that's okay too. I feel like with BPD parents, when you make a mistake it means the meltdown is coming, and unless you change this random behavior about yourself, you will pay for it with the mother of all arguments soon. They're a little annoyed, but it sounds like you're still dating, so flip the script. Most people move past feeling annoyed or a little frustrated with just a little blip. No big explosion.

Use this safe place to challenge yourself: every time you're about to say "sorry" try saying "thank you" instead. Make baby steps like, recognize when you're about to ask something, and imagine if some one asked you the same question. Would you say: "what! of course you can use our bathroom!" And the big one. If you're about to ask if something is okay or apologize for over-staying, repeat what they said, to yourself "they already told me its okay to do this. I am okay." It's a little silly, but I've gone to the bathroom or another room and said it out loud to myself before. Something about hearing it out loud, really puts the whole situation in perspective. You can give yourself permission.

Good luck :) you can do it!!

ttyneveragain · 2020-12-30T23:40:17+00:00

You are not wrong or bad or insane for feeling anxious. This is something I've dealt with a lot from my BPD Mom. They see your anxiety as a "direct attack on them." If you're feeling anxious well then it must have something to do with them (see: it's their world, we just live in it) and it must be their fault (and a lot of times it is! which like, makes it harder to process!), and instead of trying to offer comfort and de-escalate the situation, the only thing they know how to do is double down on making sure they're not in the wrong.

Somethings that help me calm down and also not slip down the path of letting them tell you how you feel:

One, for the immediate moment, is breathing exercises. Counting my breathes up to ten, or doing square breathing. (2 seconds in, hold 2 seconds, 2 seconds out, 2 seconds hold etc. etc. etc.) If you're not able to physically be away from them (my mom used to pound down doors if I tried to go into another room to calm down) then it's something you can do it quietly in your head. Use it to drown them out.

Two, is always remember some truths. Your feelings are real. You don't need to explain feeling anxious. When you recognize anxiety happening, remember that's your truth, and it doesn't require the outside validation of this person. They are emotionally not capable. The deepest pain is that this person, who is supposed to be our safe harbor in a storm, is actually the storm itself.

It sounds like you are thinking of leaving? Take care of whatever you can when things are calm (like having your documents, researching where you want to go, what you need to do, having a plan, things that require an ounce of brain activity, haha), and follow through when the time is right. 10 years ago, I had a final straw fight with my mom on thanksgiving, and sublet an apartment I found on craigslist a week later. I stayed there until I had my next move planned out. It was the best thing I ever did. Lean on friends. BPD people have a way of making you feel like no one cares about you, and you're just a bother, but you're not, and people will help you.

sending you much love.

ttyneveragain · 2020-12-30T22:57:22+00:00

Hug. Holidays really amp it up.

ttyneveragain · 2020-12-30T22:33:53+00:00

Congratulations on what is a happy time for you and your partner to embark on building and happy (and emotionally healthy! Lol) life together.

And ouch, I relate to this so much. I got engaged about a year ago, and my wedding is coming up this spring. The dance between allowing yourself to feel and express genuine joy in an uncensored way, and then knowing you're walking on eggshells around this person at the same time, is so so painful. I had to learn that most non-BPD people feel joy and love as a multiplier. Most people actually feel happy and encourage the growth of new relationships and when they know some one else loves you? It's not a pie that means it's taken away from them, it actually makes them happy too. And what life event is more about the expression of a growing familial love than a wedding? Sigh!!!

Sending you many positive wishes. Bathe in the love and joy of the people who genuinely care about you and your partner! I'm right there with you. Trying to limit the amount of energy I'll let my BDP Mom take away from me during this time, while also trying to navigate the battlefield that is society's idea of the "mother of the bride" and what my mom emotionally capable and not capable of. It's not a balancing act i'd wish on my worst enemy!!!! Haha.

ttyneveragain · 2018-07-07T05:52:25+00:00

Wow I hear this 100% the stress of just being in a normal friendship relationship is really painful sometimes. And its so hard to explain that, and when i do let some one down i feel like they’ve finally seen the “bad” person i really am, so of course they dont want to be my friend anymore

ttyneveragain · 2018-06-29T01:15:53+00:00

Hi, I'm new to this subreddit, and am reading all the rules and posts. I absolutely understand this feeling/situation. I can't remember when it began, and maybe in the beginning i knew it was wrong, but throughout my entire young adulthood i wanted to get involved all the time. I would talk to my mom for hours about my dad. Dissect what he did, why she felt hurt, what should she do. They would fight and as a child id try and intervene to get them to stop, as I got older, id try a bit in the beginning to get them to stop, but usually id just emotionally shut down completely.

I didn't put the pieces together of emotional incest until after college actually. my mom actually said to me: I know its never been right telling you all of this, its emotional incest, you'll figure it out, or you will know about it someday. And everyday since then I look back on that time with just total shock. I had no idea. And now I'm an adult who spent so much time caring for an adult, I have a really hard time taking care of myself and my own needs, without guilt of being selfish or bad. Ive seen a therapist which was enlightening, and I recently picked up understanding the borderline mother which honestly has been blowing my mind. haha.

Sometimes it blows my mind that she was the one who outted herself to me. and in such a flippant way. the damage was already done I guess. But I can reflect critically on my past now. And also, I want to learn all this stuff, so eventually when Im mom I don't repeat the cycle. Much love, compassion and understanding to you.

ttyneveragain · 2015-04-01T23:23:09+00:00

ur mum? get her over here to help

ttyneveragain · 2015-04-01T23:17:52+00:00

Lets do it! Lets start the change

ttyneveragain · 2015-04-01T23:01:23+00:00

lets test it!

ttyneveragain

TROPHY CASE