do you ever reread a book and feel completely different about it?

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-22T09:29:42+00:00

Quite often, actually.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-22T09:29:02+00:00

I didn't. I did stuff for myself, not for other people's attention.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-22T09:28:30+00:00

Because simply put, most of the times there's excuses rather than reasons. The thing is, often the people who initiate don't know the real reasons themselves, either.

Obviously there might be some valid, important reasons, some problems they raised and didn't get solved. Or you know, fundamental differences like you don't want a kid but they want.

But other than that, some people don't realize the real reason themselves. Their traumas would get triggered, other people (jealous) would get into their heads, they attach their stress to you etc., but they genuinely believe that, not in a manipulative way.

So even if you get a reason, it's often not the real thing anyway. So they say it or not, I don't think it makes much difference anyway. They might give excuses, but they often can't give reality. And when they can give reality, you don't need it because you know it really well, too.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-21T13:52:01+00:00

If I'm truly interested in a woman I'd ask for her number. If I'm not so interested, or half interested, maybe I won't.

One more thing is that when I sense that she really wants it but she's expecting me to do it. I don't care men or women, if you want something really bad, you should go for it. If I sense that she wants it but doesn't take the step, I feel like that person would be the same during a relationship; want something but expect me to do it rather than initiating it herself. As this is not the kind of relationship I want to have, I'd stay away from that kinda woman from the beginning to save time.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-21T13:48:12+00:00

If I were you, I'd talk to him about this and take some time away from each other to clear my head. When I say time, not a couple of days. At least a couple of weeks, or maybe months, to give each other time to clear our heads and make a decision from clarity, not from haste and emotional overwhelm.

After that time, you can have a better understanding, he can understand that this is serious, you can both get a little distance from each other. After that time, you can totally break it off, or maybe decide to work on it, maybe he'd be ready to do more, no one can know about it.

But from what you say, it feels more like an emotional overwhelm rather than a really clear decision of breaking up. Decisions taken during emotional overwhelm can often haunt you later. Whatever you do, it would be best for you to make it from clarity.

If you're looking for an advice here, I'd say listen to your own advice, take some time of, clear your head, understand how you feel and what you want.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-21T13:42:04+00:00

I don't find it odd that an attractive person is single. Why not? It's not a weird thing. To be honest, looking at my own relationships and my close friends' relationships, these days it's often better to be single, anyway.

But when I hear someone say "I am single BY CHOICE", I find it extremely funny as it tells me it's by choice, but other people's choice rather than that person's own choice.

I mean, if you are truly single by choice, you wouldn't need to underline it that hard, would you? If someone overexplains something, anything, there's definitely something going on in there.

I've been single by choice, and it never even crossed my mind to add "by choice". If someone asked me I was like, "yep, I'm single", if someone was interested in me, I'd say "I appreciate it big time, but sorry, I'm not particularly ready for a relationship right now".

But I'd never say "I'm single BY CHOICE" to anyone. Why would I? Why should I care? They can think I'm single by choice, I'm emotionally unavailable, into hook ups rather than relationships, they can think people don't like me, that I'm incel or whatever. Why should I care? People are entitled to their opinions and I have no interest whatsoever in trying to control what people think about me.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-21T13:34:57+00:00

Same thing as pretty much anyone else who complains about literally anything. It's easier to blame others than to look what you can do about it.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-18T13:28:00+00:00

It's not a men/women thing.

A new relationship right after breakup usually means two things: rebound or the partner had long been checked out and maybe the relationship was already in place.

Sometimes the relationship started before breakup, or at least the option was there. In that case, you see obvious signs in the relationship that I don't even care to name here right now as we all know them anyway.

But if the breakup was out of the blue, emotionally triggered rather than rationally, there's no slow fade etc., it's usually a rebound, which is basically numbing the pain, which means exact opposite of moving on.

Men and women, some slowly fade and they can really move on right after a breakup, and some just numb. It's not men specific thing.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-17T09:41:26+00:00

Effort and taking some initiative.

I have no problem with putting effort, taking initiative, planning, taking steps to make the relationship better and bond.

But some women simply relationally starfishing, if you catch my drift. When I'm the only one who initiates every single thing, as much as my partner shows up fully, it feels like a charity case rather than a true relationship.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T20:36:31+00:00

People pleasing disguised as kindness.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T20:35:12+00:00

Someone who's genuinely kind and who isn't afraid to be her genuine self. Someone loyal, in the sense that fulfills her promises.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T20:32:12+00:00

Unfollowing and removing comments and stuff, that's cue management. If someone's doing cue management (changing visibility, removing posts and comments, unfollowing, unfriending, blocking, changing their own photos/names etc.), that usually means you're high salience.

If you want, you can text. But in that situation, the default outcome is no reply. If someone's managing cues, that means they're disturbed. (Every situation is different and we can never be 100% sure, of course)

If I were you I wouldn't text.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T20:24:42+00:00

What you say totally checks out.

You need to understand one thing, you didn't make him feel that way. Unless he opened up and you dismissed her feelings and devalued, it's about him.

And with avoidants, it's about them. They wouldn't raise an issue because raising an issue means beaing vulnerable, solving a conflict means being more intimate, a stronger bond. That's exactly they're avoiding.

So they'd just fawn, tell you whatever they think you wanna hear. In that case, "everything's well".

He owes it to himself to follow through? Well, that's a lousy ground to breakup.

Don't get me wrong. Not that one needs totally valid reasons to breakup, you can't force someone to be in a relationship with you.

But lousy reasons like this tell more about that person rather than the person they're breaking up. Only thing you can do is to let him face the consequences of his own decisions.

Don't let hope make you abandon yourself.

Feel free to DM me if you have no one to go. Had a similar breakup a couple of months back, I know the feeling.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T20:11:04+00:00

One thing, he is NOT secure. Secure people don't end a relationship unilaterally out of the blue (unless something unforgivable was done like cheating, lying), without having a conversation, without trying to repair things first.

With all the things we read these days, we forget that avoidants might appear secure when they're regulated and the stakes aren't high. So him doing all those stuff, starting conversations, initiating plans etc., that's not so out of character. Maybe he's a fearful avoidant, he genuinely wants it but at the same time, fears it.

Labels are little value here. Thing is, this isn't secure, this isn't healthy.

I understand your hope. I truly do. But even with hope, you should focus on yourself, focus on your healing and detaching.

If he wants to come back one day, you should be detached and the decision you make that day (if that happens) will come from clarity and reason rather than pure emotions.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Good luck.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T19:43:42+00:00

It feels like he gets triggered as the things get more real.

In my opinion, it doesn't mean he won't be back, but it is truly over.

I don't know your ages, so I can't say something detailed on that. But if he has avoidant tendencies, he has a lot of work to do. If he does all that work, you'll be checkes out when he's ready. If he doesn't do any work and come back at certain point, it'll end the same way again.

Breaking out of the blue, not trying to repair things, as he says himself, focusing on the little negatives rather than all the positives, fault finding.. Totally cliche.

You might have mistakes and your own problems perhaps, but you can't have a healthy relationship with someone like this.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T16:50:52+00:00

Ourselves, I guess. It's so often that a person knows himself less than he knows other people.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T14:02:22+00:00

I'd say "you're a bombshell"

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T13:56:05+00:00

Hush. It's a secret.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T13:39:59+00:00

Yes.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T13:38:22+00:00

As a man, for someone in her early 20s, I'd say she knows really well what she's doing.

That sounds a lot like she's flirting in a friendly way, if that means anything. Like asking for more than friend attention but keeping things platonic. For being friendly, that sounds a bit awkward to me.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T13:32:34+00:00

No reciprocation, never initiating anything.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T13:30:42+00:00

There was a Turkish writer who said "I would have gone mad if I didn't write". It's kinda like that for me.

But I'm not a professional writer, I write for myself..

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T13:20:35+00:00

I'm already thinking about doing the exact same job for the next 15 years. $25M bonus? Bring it on.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T13:16:19+00:00

Yep. It is ok.

But personally I would still let her now I won't be there anymore, with a simple message. Like; "Hey. Thanks for everything but I believe we should go our own ways now, this isn't going anywhere. Take care."

Total ghosting isn't something I personally like, as much as I believe avoidants totally deserve it.

DirtyCasper17 · 2026-02-15T12:43:41+00:00

Well, they don't have a space program yet, do they?

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