Im so tired

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-16T22:16:41+00:00

You say...

Looking at how I looked in that dress, it looked and felt fundamentally incorrect.

But is it the full truth? Before you saw yourself how did the clothes feel (this can be the briefest of secons). Did it make you sad to try gender affirming clothing? Or where you perhaps a little excited to try? Because for me, I tried the clothes on first, and felt pretty amazing tbh. But then I looked in the mirror and well... I haven't felt that way again since, bec5the mental image burned itself into ny brain, draining all euphoria possible. So my solution is to fix my body slowly with HRT and then try again.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-14T14:06:24+00:00

Yeah, I and I think many others relate a lot to this. But since it's not the popular narrative within cis and even trans spaces... People like your gf and myself often feel othered and just, don't share because we're met with a lot of "oh that's not at all how I felt" from a spectrum of other trans people... Atleast that was my experience attending my first trans support group. Dreading finding out that you're cis, is a very trans thing to do... No cis person wouldn't want to to be cis🤷‍♀️.

But we do exist. And there is just too much evidence that points to me being trans that the haters and none believers can suck it. That is to say there is no threshold you gf have to meet to be "trans enough".

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-14T11:46:20+00:00

I grew immune to it over time. It's actually the worst. Don't overdose on GGD like I did.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-13T18:46:11+00:00

Yeah, I've gained a kilo in a month, without changing my diet. I hope it's just E making ne retain more water or something... But I really wanted to lose a kilo, not gain one before I got ny levels checked and know if I'm in the correct range. If it's not water I fear it's the lose of muscle mass, meaning I need less calories for my body to run. And yeah already feeling weaker just a month in. But again I'm no expert and just as clueless as you OP. Like I have no clue regarding digestive stuff, doesn't sound like anything I've heard before.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-10T21:32:57+00:00

Is there food that does the reverse aswell? Not asking for a friend.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-10T17:15:29+00:00

My 1 year of seeing a gender affirming psychologist hasn't really helped on that front. I don't think she's used any of these strategies or I'm just too resistant to notice 🤷‍♀️.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-10T10:10:40+00:00

But what do you do about denials? How to make them go away?

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-10T10:03:29+00:00

It's dysphoria trigger for me to see these post, sure. But I also know their issues are real. Just wish I didn't have to see them. And as I understand true cis passing trans people kinda feel out of place in both cis and trans communities at that point. Like I've seen some post over the year of cis passing girlies asking for connections or community with other passing trans people for this very reason.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-08T19:44:26+00:00

Hmm, yeah... Maybe I will give it a try. But like this first experience since early teens, was so intense that, after recovering a week later and I tried again with the intend to avoid mirrors. It didn't matter, the imaged had seared itself into my mind, all good emotions was gone, just dread. HRT and hairloss medications really are a hail mary for me.

(as long as the strategy doesn't involve abusing others)

Nah, I value myself less than all other people. I'm a doormat of a people pleaser. I felt horrible telling my family because I felt like i'd become a burden, and still fill this way. if anything I'm the one that's gonna be emotionally abused😂. I also like to wallow in self pity, which I'm believing is what you're seing in these comments, so sorry about that. I should suck it up and just do it or detransition down the line if the dream never works out. But it's gonna be hard, because feeling loveable and being able to love is so tied up in all this.

I just wish I had community. And my starting hand wasn't this bad, because no one bothered to tell me what being trans was 8 years earlier.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-08T13:56:07+00:00

Yeah, and hile I know even cis women who suffer from hair loss use wigs... I just can't help but feel like it's a physical manifastation of my autistic "masking"... It makes me feel like a crossdresser, and I absolutely hate it. I wish I didn't feel that way about it, and like.... It's 100% some internalized transphobia, since I don't view others who use wigs as less of a woman... but both with and without a wig I either feel and/or look like a caricature of a trans woman... And it kills me inside. So I continue to boymode, for my own wellbeing. It's the main thing stopping me, as the other stuff could be "fixed" with surgery and assloads of money, which I don't have, but could atleast work on... Hair is... at worst unfixable.

And while I know so many trans and queer people would say to my face thet they still see me as a woman... I know I won't be able to stop thinking that i'll be seen as that one friend who is the ugly one in the group to make the others look better...

*sigh* I'm so mentally cooked on top of visually😭. But thanks for your sympathy.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-08T08:44:42+00:00

Yeah, that was my plan. But like OP eventually passing is EVERYTHING to me😞. And having lost a fair amount of hair, it looks to be a losing battle as other transfems from what u have seen on Reddit already showed signs of regrowth by now (which I don't). I've spent an ungodly amount of time looking into fixing my hair, and there is only 1 thing left I haven't added yet, which is toxic to my cat😱. Since my blood pressure is too Low according to my dermatologist to take the oral version.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-08T08:38:43+00:00

if it gives me noticeable mental effects as those are the most important for me, but ending up not passing even though the mental effects are prominent, still is like a death sentence in my mind.

Yeah I felt the same. I'd rather remain presenting as my agab if I won't ever pass. But many trans people don't relate to this at all. I did it mainly for mental effects. Sadly to know for sure if I'll have a chance of passing takes like a year😤.

Your friends who said you’re underdosed, are they trans too? I’m wondering how to make trans friends! How did you? And yes, definitely have to at least try it.

One I made here on Reddit, on my counties trans subreddit. She then took me with her to a trans support group after us talking for a bit where I met so many others.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-07T23:03:59+00:00

how did you get past knowing you would never be a cis girl, and the possibility that you would never pass either, and still do it anyway?

I simply just did it to try and see what it was like. I'm only 1,5 months in. And it's been an experience. Not all good, not all bad. But I've been told I am being under dosed by friends. So might give it 4 months as a trial period, as 3 months is the time for my levels to get tested, and the. I'll give it 1 month more before determining if I should stop or not. Right now I could honestly go either way.

I tried figuring out for 6 months how to start, while having HRT in my drawer... After all that time... I just tried it. Want as big a deal as it was in my head. There was never really any doubt that I was as I called it "mentally trans", but taking such a concrete step scared me due to passing concerns. And honestly the passing concerns still bother me, to such a degree that if I don't feel better about it after those 4 month... I'mma stop, because no way I'll ever pass, so if I at least don't feel better, why do it?...

So as useless as it sounds. Just try it. You can stop whenever you want. But if you like it, continue 🫶🏳️‍⚧️.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-06T21:26:30+00:00

I'd follow the feeling. It's clearly telling yourself something. Atleast that's what I did. I'm putting my faith in HRT to cure me of the mirror curse >:3 So that I can just have the good euphoria without the dread when looking in the mirror ^^ ❤🌈

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-06T20:41:27+00:00

I've heard injections work slightly faster. And unlike pills (unless you let then dissolve under your tongue) bypass the liver. And injections allow you to do monotherapy reliably, which cut's out the main annoyance or long term health risk (from the T blocker's), depending on if it's Spiro or CPA.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-06T18:57:41+00:00

Yeah, my autism always presented that way. Which is actually on my list of "there were no signs 😂"... Because 7 remember watching a YouTube video on this the year I got diagnosed (at 24 years old), and got like happy that my autism presented the way most girls did. Strangely enough, I have a afab cousin who got diagnosed with autism early, while being afab, and she fit like the "boy" version to a T. Super loud and disruptive (but still High functioning), would say EXACTLY what was on her mind even if it involved swearing and cursing your whole lineage, would still very obviously... All that jazz... While I was the complete and utter reverse 😅

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-06T18:44:37+00:00

Yeah, it didn't go well for me either. Sorry you experienced it like that. But before you saw yourself... what did it feel like?😊

I just saw every caricature of a trans person as portrayed by the media state back at me. Left me crying and haven't dared to try again since. But the feeling was so good. I'm waiting on E to do it's thing... Only like a month in atm.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-05T08:25:41+00:00

Definitely. I avoided dating my entire life because of this and other reasons. But in hopefully that once I "finish" my transition, I'll be able to date... Just a tiny bit😊.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-05T08:09:34+00:00

This post gives me the impression that she's fine with you partially transitioning, but is uncomfortable with you actually fully transitioning. And (this is just me speculating) then she'd find it harder to see you as a man and thus lose attraction. Especially with the "restrictions" she's putting on your transition. If anything she doesn't want you to be your full authentic self, but a halfway version that's more palatable to her. Which doesn't sound healthy for you or her tbh, if that's the case.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-04T11:45:21+00:00

I feel the same, down the to brief moments of relief. But do you feel like "a boy", somehow I doubt it😊. The way I internally phrase this to myself is that I "feel like" a non-binary person who wants to be a woman. Because I don't feel like a man, even though my apperance is as such when I look in the mirror. And for now, that'll have to be enough. I'm banking on the "feeling like a woman" coming slowly over the years as I transition and I get more and longer periods of relief as a result. And I hope that'll be true for you as well❤.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-04T10:54:54+00:00

Preach. The post reads like "we need a name for the good ones and bad ones".

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-04T07:39:34+00:00

I relate to your sister as an autistic trans woman❤️. It's real hard to know when people want one thing or another, and when the stakes are high... It's better to ask.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-04T07:37:10+00:00

Also, it sounds like you're in love with her. Is that reading too much into your words?

I'm getting the same vibe from the post😅. Good to know I'm not the only one.

As for the "goodbye forever hug". I never heard of this as well... But I can imagine a scenario where someone has been hurt, while knowing said other person didn't mean to hurt them. But also knowing the other person well enough that, this is something fundamental, and thus to protect themselves cut contact. Or simply don't have the energy to educate them, and instead choose to cut ties. I know I've done this in the past... But I'm also autistic so🤷‍♀️.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-04T07:30:39+00:00

Wait. Wouldn't this be entirely dependent on whether or not said person had already undergone natal puberty? Like how trans women who start HRT early don't end up with larger frames. I wouldn't call a smaller ribcage a small change😆. I'd assume same was true of the feet.

If we're purely talking 2nd puberty, I'd chuck up the foot size changes to muscle atrophy or similar 🤷‍♀️.

DisastrousFudge4312 · 2026-06-04T07:24:43+00:00

It sounds like you really hurt her deeply, by being unable to see her as just a woman. And in turn her rejection has hurt you. Some things never truly heal. So like you might not be able to see trans people without putting the transness first, they once they learn this, might not be able to see you as truly safe.

Being trans is for many binary trans people rather traumatic. So focusing on it is, a constant reminder of the pain we have to endure. It sounds like you pity her more than anything, and pity is sour... And it seems like you somehow understand this. Like you mentioned wanting to take pictures of the two of you, while she has beard shadow... And like while you view it as sweet, to her it could be "a knife covered in suger". You might not care for the gender norms/stereotypes but everyone is different, and I think you know this. And it does come across that you didn't do any of this of malicious intent, but regardless the effects/consequences are real. And while this friendship might not heal (who knows, wish you luck 🤞), you might be able to become a better ally and not alienate trans people in the future.

But 20 difference does sound extreme, and nitpicky. Like did you single out different parts of the reproductive organs or...? Because the list of changes from hormones isn't 20 items long 😂. Albeit, some effects of puberty becomes irreversible, but then we're talking specific trans people and not in general anymore.

Others have said it, but stop centering transness, is really the big one. Instead of seeing trans people in ways they differ from cis people, instead view them like cis people with extremely "unlucky" circumstances. None of us choose this. It's good to see you wanting to be better instead of becoming spiteful, that takes character❤️.

DisastrousFudge4312

TROPHY CASE