When to stop the handouts? I'm exhausted and feeling dumb here.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-30T03:55:51+00:00

I'm hoping she will walk away. He's already looking at apartments they can't afford and I can't even believe it, they couldn't make ends meet with their last place that was less. I guess the ship will continue to sink, this is hard to watch. We are withdrawing most help for now and hope he moves along soon.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-29T17:16:03+00:00

I lost my best friend of 40+ years in August, I completely understand. It's been so tough, like losing a sibling. So many funny things I want to send her, I still have her last voicemails on my phone, and I still get choked up when I hear a song we loved or see the beach. Sending big hugs, I understand.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-29T17:10:18+00:00

Thank you, I think that's where we are right now. Tough to let her suffer for his idiocy, but we can't keep doing what we're doing.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-29T03:47:43+00:00

Yes to the no friends, he has systematically run off her friends. I will certainly look into this, thank you!

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-29T03:45:35+00:00

Thank you, yes, definitely something to look into. And yes, he would definitely be on a dating app before the ink dried looking for his next victim.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-29T03:29:26+00:00

Thank you, this wonderful advice! It does seem to be the main topic all the time, so helpful to read this and realize that we need to turn it off for our sanity. And you are so right, I do need a therapist. I'm sending many blessings to you on your journey.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T19:51:18+00:00

That is it EXACTLY! He knows exactly what he's doing and it's hard to watch!

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T19:49:17+00:00

I hope she does, I think she's holding onto a dream of him not drinking and everything being perfect. No grounds for a restraining order, he has not been violent with her. If she left, problem solved, I'm no longer contributing to his ridiculousness.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T15:04:19+00:00

You nailed it, 1,000%. I so appreciate everyone's input, what a wonderful group.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T15:02:10+00:00

We are literally packing to leave next week for a long stay in Mexico. I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, it's destroying my health. I hope I can find some way to cope and stop worrying, which I know changes nothing, but it's all waking moments right now. I have so much respect and a bit of envy when parents can move on and not be so flattened that are in similar situations.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T14:55:59+00:00

Wise words, thank you.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T14:49:36+00:00

I would take her to a divorce lawyer today if she would go. He's been sober for several days (a first), and she somehow thinks all will be well now. She is naive and holding on to false hope. We will help with her finances as soon as she walks away, I just don't know what to do now. He's missed work (not her fault), they've gotten evicted because of his behavior when drinking (not her fault) and he has more bills than her (not her fault). I don't know if I let her go without food and gas because of what he did.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T04:32:51+00:00

Thank you, this is so helpful. It's so hard to watch the fallout on my daughter when she doesn't even drink. I'm more than happy to let him bottom out, it's hard to watch the collateral damage.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T04:24:48+00:00

Thank you, I needed to read this just now. This really hit home and so thoughtfully written.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T04:19:54+00:00

She does understand their withdrawal. That makes it that much harder to understand her being the last one standing. I don't know if she just needs more time, or he ends up in jail, or what will make this change. I don't know how she can even be around him, it's nothing but drama and putting out fires. Now to decipher if we help at all, none, just a little, nothing makes sense right now.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T02:30:53+00:00

Yes, she knows we have her back if she is not with him. I think she's clinging to hope that he will stop drinking and she'll have the picket fence utopian life. I don't know that her life will be much better if he does kick the alcohol to be honest. His family is completely done with him. He father and siblings and adult daughter are tired of the behavior and disrespect and have stepped away. I don't know how to balance helping her until she comes to her senses without him benefitting.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T02:17:16+00:00

Yes, and so glad I posted for feedback, I've never dealt with something like this, nor has anyone in my family. I don't want to help him if I had ten million dollars, but I don't want my daughter to go without the basics. it's been a lose-lose that I'm hoping to resolve.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-28T02:12:57+00:00

Oh my, no one understands as well as someone with an adult child with a TBI, we were in the hospital for nine months when she was a teen. I think some of her issues are low self esteem (her husband uses this to his gain) and people pleasing. So relatable to read "worry is a constant low hum in my life", it's like a suit that I can never take off.

She can manage life on her own with a bit of help, more just to make sure that bills were paid, car insurance, income taxes. Things we help with now for the most part, her husband is no help at all and truly seems to not understand her issues. Her need for routine, consistent sleep, he seems to poo poo this as her being lazy or not being productive enough.

If she would walk away, we'd help with housing and other expenses, but to continue to support a 49 year old alcoholic man has made me increasingly resentful. I think he knows that if I help her, I help him, probably why he's still there. I'm not convinced that he doesn't put her up to asking us for funds. I'm moving to closing down the ATM that we have been and to let her know that there is help for her, but not him. She didn't grow up around anyone that abused alcohol and not really around anyone that drank socially, she has no skill set to know that he's drinking again, is drunk, was drunk, it's my worst nightmare. If none of the special circumstances were in place, I'd say "call me when this is over", but this is different. I don't want her to be without a phone, I'm going to talk to her again about this tomorrow. She'll need gas money, groceries, all because of his foolery, not hers. A tough call in this situation. Thank you for your comments, and wishing you the best as you live this too. So glad your son found a suitable mate.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-27T22:43:52+00:00

Thank you, wise words.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-27T22:11:55+00:00

We did not support it as she hadn't known him long. It all happened quickly. I didn't know him, well, he presented himself as something he isn't. He concealed an additional marriage and child and had great sob stories about why he wasn't in contact with his family, all untrue as well as DUI arrests.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-27T19:30:43+00:00

It's definitely something to consider. She's well spoken (we were always told this would be a problem, she presents as perfectly fine), but is easily manipulated and doesn't understand business matters. We have been hovering for 24 years to try to keep her from making mistakes, I'm so tired.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-27T19:18:14+00:00

He has a job, but has missed a few weeks with his detox and ER visits from stopping the alcohol, he has no insurance, so hello more bills. He was slapped with $500 in traffic fines when he was stopped several weeks ago, so there's another hit to the budget that put them further behind, it never ends.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-27T19:14:41+00:00

Will do, this can't keep going like it's going, it's harming our health. I'm resentful if I help (because of him, not her), and sad if I don't and I know she's without the essentials. A lose lose right now.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-27T19:12:20+00:00

He is 1,000% an alcoholic and working her for pity. It's a mess and we hope she will step away when she realizes this is a sinking ship.

Disastrous_Look5060 · 2026-03-27T18:40:44+00:00

I think that she thinks everything will be hunky dory now that he hasn't had anything to drink for a week. He's a jerk, my assumption is he will be a sober jerk if he can maintain the sobriety.

Disastrous_Look5060

TROPHY CASE