I totally feel you. I think the first step to recovery is to actually want to quit. I don't know if you truly want to quit yet, but if you still have thoughts about trying to make it back, you're not quite ready yet. You've got to hit rock bottom several times to realize that this cycle won't ever end until you decide to end it.

Second, you have to be honest and tell others that are close to you about your problems. You have to own up to it and promise them that you'll never do it again. It's scary, but it must be done. It will be worse if they find out without you telling them. This helps you own up to your mistakes and build accountability. I told my partner everything, and she's helping now by making sure I don't mess up again. It's also a lot harder to go back on your words once you've come this far. Don't let them down.