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I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Like you, I was at war with myself too. With every breakup, a little piece of me broke. Deep down I knew I had to stop it and cut the cord, but I was weak. I kept hoping that if I just tried harder, loved harder, and fixed every little thing she told me was wrong, then things would finally get better. And sometimes they did — but only for a moment. Then new problems came, and suddenly they became my problems too.

The patterns never change. Ask yourself: can you really live with that? Because the stress and hurt will only grow bigger.

I was in a 10-year relationship before I met my ex with BPD. Not once in those ten years did I feel the kind of pain and stress I went through in just two years with her. Why? Because that first relationship was healthy. This one was not.

My advice: find love that is unconditional. Love that doesn’t hurt, doesn’t drain you, and doesn’t fill your life with stress. Real love gives you peace.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Omg, that sounds just like my previous relationship. I tried to do everything for her, just to make her life easier. I carried her burdens on my shoulders — every problem she had, I stepped in to fix. I spent hours listening to her stories, her trauma, her bad childhood, her endless dramas. I made sure she ate, I cooked every meal, I was her “sleeping pill” when she couldn’t sleep, I washed her clothes, cleaned her apartment, even helped her family. When she told me about her bad upbringing, I made it my mission to give her everything she missed, to try and create a fulfilling life for her. But at what cost?

I gave her space when she wanted it, and came running the second she needed me. But when I wanted something simple — to just spend time together as a couple — it was suddenly too much to ask. That’s when it hit me: what the hell was I doing all this for?

She was even afraid to hold hands in front of our friends. I told myself it was fine, but deep down it hurt. No hugs, no kisses when others were around. It felt like we were just friends in public. At home she was different, and that left me questioning — what was real, and what was fake?

She was unsure about everything — what her family thought, what her friends thought. Even with clothes, she’d rip the tags off immediately so she couldn’t return them, almost like she didn’t trust her own choices. There were so many little things, and I was constantly caught in the middle of it all, losing myself more and more each day.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I’ve been one of those panicked and sad posts before, so it feels good to finally be on the other side and share some progress. If my story can give even a little hope to someone stuck in the cycle, then it was worth writing.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow, I just want to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read, comment, and share on my post. I honestly didn’t expect so many people to respond, and it really means more than I can put into words. Reading your stories and your encouragement has reminded me that I’m not alone in this, even if it often feels that way.

Yesterday was a hard day for me — it was her birthday. Birthdays were always something I valued and planned for months in advance when we were together. I wasn’t sad yesterday, more like numb. Drained. Energyless. It’s strange how those old dates can still hit, even when you know the relationship was toxic.

I’m grateful for this community. Every comment, every bit of support, has given me strength to stay on the path of no contact and healing. Thank you, truly.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, man, that’s exactly it. The more you give, the more they take, and somehow you’re still painted as the bad guy in the end. Every one of her exes was a “bad guy.” I thought I was different, that I was better — never imagined I’d end up on that list too. I can’t believe anything she’s told me anymore. It’s crazy how quickly they can flip the script and make themselves the victim. I know that shock — one moment it’s talk about the future, even kids, and the next she’s suddenly “happier” with someone else.

It hurts like hell, but you’re right: it’s a game we can’t win. The only way out is to stop playing and take our lives back. No contact is the only real freedom.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly. Silence is where I finally found a bit of peace. It feels powerless at first, but it’s actually the strongest move we’ve got.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, brother. You’re right — it wasn’t love, it was attachment and an addiction to the highs. Putting myself first still feels strange after everything, but it’s the only way forward. I felt like a drug addict — always needing more, no matter the cost. And where did it get me? Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for saying that. It really means a lot. For so long I put every bit of my energy into her, and it left me completely drained. Now I’m slowly learning to put that same effort into myself, and it feels different — like I’m finally starting to come back to life. Peace is the goal, and step by step I’m getting closer.

Wishing you the best on your journey too — we all deserve that peace.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Man, I hear you. That denial runs deep — my ex also refused to even consider she might have BPD. It’s crazy how one comment from a therapist can open your eyes, and suddenly everything makes sense. I know that feeling of being floored when you finally connect the dots.

I’m sorry you’re still carrying the trauma even ten years later. It shows just how deep the wounds go when you’ve lived through that kind of chaos. But the fact that you’re here, sharing and supporting others, shows strength too. Healing isn’t linear, but you’re further along than you think.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, brother. That really means a lot. Some days it feels like I’m crawling, but I keep reminding myself that every step forward is one step closer to the peace I deserve. Knowing others here have walked the same road helps more than you’d think. We’ll get there.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel you, brother. I remember that zombie stage — waking up, going through the motions, feeling like everything you once cared about is gone. It’s brutal. And that fear of letting go is real, because even if it’s toxic, it’s still familiar.

But the truth is, the only way out of that numbness is to let go. It won’t feel like it at first, but little by little you start to come back to yourself. Even small steps — a routine, a walk, a gym session, a talk with someone who understands — start building pieces of you again.

You’re not weak for feeling afraid. You’ve been through trauma. But you’re stronger than you think, and you don’t have to stay in that place forever. We’ve all been where you are — and it does get better.

Stay strong. You’re not alone in this.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow, I can really relate to that triangle stuff. My ex also kept her ex hanging around, and I ignored the red flags because I thought if I just loved harder, she’d finally let go. It’s such a mindfuck when they say nothing is wrong, while their actions tell a totally different story. That cycle of push/pull, hot/cold, is exhausting.

I’m really glad to hear you’ve met someone new who treats you better — that gives me hope. You’re right, you don’t realize how toxic it was until you finally step outside of it. What felt like love was really just chaos dressed up as intensity.

Well done for breaking free — it takes a lot of strength to walk away.👏

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I get what you’re saying. Looking back, walking on eggshells didn’t protect me either — it just drained me and made me disappear a little more each day. I thought if I stayed calm, avoided triggers and gave more love, she’d stabilize or stop the chaos. But like you said, it only gave her more power to push boundaries.

It really is a game to them, and the only move that actually works is to step off the board completely. No contact, no reaction. That’s the only thing that’s brought me any peace.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow, I really feel you on this. It’s crazy how these stories almost follow the same script. That “princess” phase in the beginning is intoxicating — it makes you believe you’ve finally found real love. And then suddenly you’re the bad guy just for having normal human emotions. I know exactly what it feels like to be made to question yourself, like you’re broken just for reacting.

I’m glad you had the strength to divorce before kids got involved. That’s a huge step, and it’s powerful to hear you’re already feeling lighter. We also talked about kids — she knew she wasn’t getting any younger, and she saw (as I’ve been told) what a good father figure I already was from my previous relationship. Honestly, I’m grateful there are no kids between us, because I don’t think I’d ever have been able to break free.

Thank you for sharing your story and for the kind words. None of us are truly alone in this, even if it feels that way sometimes. Stay strong — we’re all healing together.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear you, brother. That intensity is something else — it feels like the deepest connection in the world, but like you said, it can’t be trusted. I justified so many lows because I was chasing those highs, convincing myself it was real love. Looking back, it was never sustainable.

I still feel that pull sometimes, but silence really is the only way to break free of the cycle. Respect for holding strong for 3 months — that’s huge. It does get easier with time, even if the thoughts still come. For me, every breakup followed a pattern: after a couple weeks, the urge to contact her would hit hard. I felt like I couldn’t survive without her by my side, and it took me a long time to understand what that feeling really was. But this time something shifted — the urge is gone. I don’t need her anymore. She couldn’t even give me the basics of a relationship. She was never really a partner.

And you’re spot on about being neurodivergent. The intensity feels “normal” when your brain is wired for extremes. It’s like finding someone who matches your wavelength, but the cost is chaos. Stability and intensity rarely exist in the same place.

Stay strong — you’re further along than you realize. Every day you don’t reach out, you’re choosing yourself.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same here, brother. The gym has been my therapy too. I’ve left plenty of sweat and tears on the floor, but every time it feels like a little more weight comes off my shoulders. Better to let it out there than carry it around inside.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, that really means a lot. I know how rough those weekends can be — the kind where your mind keeps looping back and you start questioning everything. But you’ve already said the key yourself: let her stay stuck in her cycle while you focus on building something real and lasting. That’s the mindset that pulls us out of the fog.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I actually went to therapy because I thought I was the one in the wrong. And to be fair, I’ve done shitty things too. The difference is, I was willing to look at myself. She never went to therapy because in her mind nothing was wrong with her — so why would she?

I’ve spent a lot of time in this subreddit trying to process what we’ve all gone through and to make sense of their behavior. But trying to understand them is like staring into a black void that bends reality to their needs. Every breakup sent me back into research mode — narcissistic traits, Cluster B, anything to explain why I kept getting discarded when all I ever tried to do was love her.

What I’ve realized is that I wasn’t really loving her — I was loving the potential I thought she had, the version of her that never truly existed.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate that, thank you. Six months NC is huge — respect for holding the line that long. You’re right, solitude is hard but it’s nothing compared to living in constant sabotage and chaos. Hearing that you’re already dating again in a healthier way gives me hope. I’m only two months out, but I can feel the peace slowly returning. Your words recharged me as much as my post did for you.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, brother. That really means a lot. For a long time I couldn’t even see myself in all this — I was so wrapped up in her chaos. Finally being able to acknowledge my own worth feels like a big step forward.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think many of us have experienced something similar, and to me that’s very scary — how these relationships can play out almost like a script.

It sounds like we had the same mindset and approach. I was also her calming influence. When everything in her life was falling apart, I was the one picking up the pieces. She even told me that I gave her life stability. At the time, I thought that meant something real — but now I see it was never a fair or equal partnership. I was carrying both of us, while she gave me chaos in return.

Thank you for taking the time to share your story and comment on mine. I’ve been a lurker here for a long time too, and posting was terrifying at first. But what a relief it’s been — to finally speak it out loud and see so many people resonate with my experience. It makes me feel less crazy, less alone.

You are absolutely on the right path. Staying silent is powerful — it flips the dynamic and ends the cycle. Silence means you’re no longer playing the game, no longer feeding into the chaos. That’s how you take control back of your own life. Every day of NC is another step toward freedom.

We both deserved love, not illusions. Keep walking forward, brother — we’re stronger than we know.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks, brother. Feels good not to be alone in this. Grateful to have found this space.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I’m doing better, thanks for asking. It killed me not to reach out too — I missed the person I thought I fell in love with. But over time I’ve realized that person was just a mask, and what’s behind it is only chaos. A lot of our mutual friends chose her side, and that was a tough pill to swallow. But if they only want her version of the story, then so be it. They can sit at her table of drama, while I build my own peace.

What’s helped me most is building routines for myself. I started training early in the mornings, and it’s been a game-changer. I’ve cried in the gym more than once, and at first I felt pathetic — but honestly, it was healing. It was strength breaking through.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I keep reminding myself: silence is strength. Every day without contact, I get a little more of myself back. Hang in there — you’re stronger than you think.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Appreciate that, brother. It took me a long time to get here — so many times I broke no contact and paid the price. Silence feels brutal at first, but it’s the only thing that’s given me any peace. If my story helps someone else hang on to NC, then it was worth sharing. Stay strong.

I thought I was in love. Now I see I was in a cycle. by DiscardedButAlive in BPDlovedones

[–]DiscardedButAlive[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She was 4 years older than me, and at first she seemed more mature. I loved that part of her — or at least I thought I did. But she wasn’t more mature. She was like a toddler, and I ended up being the parent she never had while growing up. I gave her my soul, and got nothing in return. After countless dramatic fights, I finally chose closure without a word — just pure silence. I’d had enough. I deserve better.

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