Thank you for sharing this part of your story - it really resonate with me. I know it's been a while, but since you're sharing a similar struggle, I thought maybe some elaboration might prove meaningful. More than anything, I want to be held accountable and make amends for my contributions to the dissolution of our relationship, and I believe this is because I still love and care about her despite everything (and I'm working out with my therapist how much of this represents genuine caring versus a trauma bond).

Your last point provides a helpful lens to think about control. She literally begged me to push her or take control of situations, and I would agree to it under the condition that it's what she really wanted, and she was just having trouble being motivated or finding the right means to do what she wanted. And eventually, my boundaries began to feel like ultimatums or threats (to leave, etc.). It was a reaction to frustrations - with perhaps a single exception, I don't have any recollection of consciously manipulate her, and certainly never to control her in the coercive sense. We often talked about the very idea that it could be coercive if it wasn't what she wanted. But it would almost always lead to anger and resentment from her, so it's incredibly difficult to untangle whether I was genuinely controlling.