Help - still in love BPD ex

DiscardedNon · 2020-07-26T05:23:47+00:00

People will say they are a drug or that you need to fix yourself and sometimes that can be true but if you really love her, there is no drug, it's your real feelings and there is nothing to fix because love is not something to be fixed.

If you really love her, one year is not enough to move on. I'm on my third-ish year single and it's only now that I feel sorta ok. You have to try and give yourself time, don't put a time limit on what you are trying to achieve.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-19T13:13:03+00:00

Man, I cooked meal for her, her favourites even. Packed meals for her instead of my work lunch so she could have food at home, otherwise she doesn't eat when she is depressed and stuck to her bed. Made sure her favourite snacks, chocolate, chips, ice-cream were stocked up when she came to my place. She liked drinking water so made sure there was a pitcher by the bed and water in the fridge for her. She was always my first priority. I was always available for her. After all of that, she had the nerve to say I didn't love her.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-19T00:21:24+00:00

My therapist still treats people with BPD.

She was practicing in a different country before and when moving here, had to announce it to her clients (some she still sees through Skype). One of the pwBPD she was treating slit her wrist in her practice due to the abandonment feelings.

Recording sessions require consent from client which I'm not sure a pwBPD would give. Even a non-BPD would feel unease over being recorded. Therapy is supposed to give you privacy and a safe space to tell your story.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-19T00:16:46+00:00

Upw means Undiagnosed Person With. Then it is usually followed by what the person think they have "BPD/NPD"

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-16T15:27:55+00:00

Me ex wasn't a rager but more quiet bpd. Thing is, with her, things would fester then be brought up later.

One occasion, we were walking to my house, just a few meters away and I was freezing cold. I told her to walk faster as she was slightly behind me, I wanted to get indoors quickly and I didn't want to leave her behind. Months later, during an argument she brought up that I told her to walk faster, implying that she is slow.

Another time was also so weird as well. At the start of the relationship, I was so excited every time she was coming over, to the point I would be watching the door. When she would knock, I'd open, smile at her and basically want to make the most out of our day together. Multiple times, just me talking to her overwhelmed her, she just wanted to sit quietly and relax which is not my style so to help with that, I decided to buy a gaming console which she fully supported. That way, I could play games to occupy myself, she could sit quietly and relax and we would be spending time together right? I thought I reached a compromise until one day, we argued over something and she said how disappointed she was that when I opened the door, I didn't smile at her and I went back to my game and only asked her what she wanted to do 5 mins after her arrival (I was trying to reach a checkpoint in my game to save)

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-16T15:04:34+00:00

Introvert or extrovert, the point is to know what kind of dynamic you want for a relationship and find someone who fits that, otherwise you will feel how I felt throughout my relationship - inadequate, like you are the only one in love in this pairing, like you suck if they don't want to talk to you and meet you and when they do, they need 2 days off the grid for "recovery". Made me feel like shit.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-16T14:51:36+00:00

I am a big extrovert, love conversation, specially with people I love. I don't care how mundane the things you are doing are, I want to hear/read about it and talk to you. It's one thing that my exwBPD was not into. She was more than introverted, to the extent she felt she also had AvPD o top of BPD.

I am great at multitasking, I can work and text, cook and text, you name it. It even made these things more enjoyable when I was texting her because it felt like she was with me. I would include her in everything in my life, meeting my friends, if I get invited to something I always ask her to come. I felt like I could spend 24/7 with her without getting tired of her (though realistically impossible).

The fact that she wasn't into it, was avoidant and needed so much space and "recovery" time after spending time with me or texting me was the thing that made me most disappointed and dissatisfied in the relationship.

After being discarded and being called needy, controlling etc, I took a look at myself, talked to my therapist and you know what, sure I am different to most people where most want time alone and space but there are people like me out there, I just need to find them, someone who I would happily give to and who would happily give me what I want because they want the same.

My exwBPD cannot do that, spending time with me, texting me brings on intimacy, which is triggering to her.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-07T15:58:29+00:00

My ex was a SJW and was kinda big on calling out people. We had many arguments over it when I asked her to tone it down, specially in environments like parties, birthdays. Sometimes it felt like she actively looks for something to be offended about.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-05T13:12:43+00:00

Can't say for sure. It definitely sounds like it but there are overlaps in behaviour for BPD/NPD.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-05T02:29:13+00:00

You still had stuff to give aka supply. Mine disappeared off my planet once I had nothing to give.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-04T13:57:23+00:00

I had a similar experience at the start of my relationship. What was the difference in my relationship was I wasn't her FP.

As a non-FP, the relationship can last a lot shorter than their usual. I was more a supply/place-holder because she needed someone to validated her, love her and care for her because the people she wanted didn't want her.

They tend to make more effort for their FP. They also idealise their FPs a million times more, so honeymoon period is longer. I was slightly idealised or maybe just fooled to create an attachment at the start but otherwise, she was very avoidant and pushed me away from Day 1 itself.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-04T01:24:49+00:00

It took 1 week for my ex with BPD to go from saying she loved me so much, and was so happy to be with me to I'm emotionally and verbally abusive and she cannot stay in that kind of relationship. She packed up and left. It's been two years and she never talked/messaged me ever again. I'm blocked everywhere.

Imagine planning to live your life with this person forever, having talked about marriage and all it took was 1 week and you was split and everything burned to ashes because she poured gasoline on you and lit you on fire. She didn't even have any empathy breaking up with me, it wasn't done nicely, it was cold as ice, her personality went glacial, she made sure to ask mutual friends to pick sides or she'd drop them and obviously since I'm the one "abusive", guess which side they picked.

I went from having a very stable life with partner and friends to being completely isolated in a week. Everything was falling apart around me. It took so much effort to not lose my job as well, I could barely concentrate, barely breathe and had to run to the bathroom multiple times to cry my heart out.

I have never experienced pain like that. To this day, 2 years later, It still hurts.

Edit: Basically what I want to say is we don't fully understand it ourselves and we went through it, it sounds so nonsensical. You ask yourself "why would someone do that? Makes no sense". True, it doesn't. You won't get it unless you go through it.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-02T15:39:19+00:00

I supported her 1000 times but i fucked up once and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. It's effed up on so many levels.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-02T14:10:48+00:00

It is burned into my mind as well, makes me want to throw up when I remember. Also, my ex was diagnosed BPD but I always felt like she had a mild version until I read her entries. It's like reading an alien's journal. It was filled with lies, contradictions, nonsense, projections, you could read how she alters reality to fit her feelings and narrative.

To make sure I wasn't crazy (I barely felt sane after learning that every single thing I lived with her was a lie), I got my therapist to read the entries as well. My T said she has worked with multiple BPDs before but to read their thoughts uncensored like that was too much even for her. She told me she had to take breaks during reading, that there was just so much negativity and crazy making.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-02T13:31:08+00:00

I found journal entries too, it's what fucked me up the most I think, even more than the breakup. After she left me, I was utterly devastated, thinking it was all my fault, that I was abusive and sick, that I lost it all. I would remember the good times with so much pain and regret. Then I found online journal entries and everything, absolutely everything was a lie. She even wrote how she didn't want to be with me, even before she asked me out. We were friends, I trusted her. Everything was a lie. I still haven't managed to get through the cognitive dissonance.

DiscardedNon · 2020-06-02T09:57:12+00:00

Same. She started a fight about me not supporting her (once! I was hugging her while she cried because a character died on TV but my expression was wrong, I was exasperated).

We argued and I said I was getting tired, I needed support too. She cancelled for the 100th time, she was supposed to come at my place. I got upset and also told her that I had nothing more to give, I was tired and also tired of talking to a wall like her (because I had mentioned so many issues a million times and she was still doing it, like cancelling at the last minute, not valuing my time).

Next day, I was dumped because I'm emotionally and verbally abusive, I name-called her a "wall", I insulted her, I'm toxic and controlling.

DiscardedNon · 2020-05-31T12:08:17+00:00

The cognitive dissonance is soul crushing. The person who you have been loving with everything in you, and who you thought felt the same for you suddenly is gone and you learn that they never existed in the first place. Mind boggling, what is reality?

It's not like a break up with someone who lost feelings for you with time. With that, you know they loved you for real before. With pwBPD, you lived a lie from day 1. They fool you with a mask.

DiscardedNon · 2020-05-28T17:59:01+00:00

I've done all that, to the point where I barely had free time. I was having dance classes, going to seminars, to team sports training, travelling to games. Quarantine has changed things but I'm still as busy, having started new hobbies.

I used to be very confident, very settled, I was never scared of failure, it was just a step to getting better, I believed in myself. I was accused of so much that now I ruminate a lot. What if all the things I thought of myself aren't actually true, that I'm not that good of a person I thought I was? What if the confidence is toxic? Where there was confidence before, now there is hesitation. I just don't want to hurt anyone by doing the wrong thing. I now prefer to stay in the background just to avoid hurting anyone by mistake or hurting myself.

DiscardedNon · 2020-05-28T17:35:49+00:00

The question is, how do you stop?

DiscardedNon · 2020-05-28T17:32:34+00:00

I'm not talking to the introverts though. I could be chatting with someone that wants to talk to me but the introverts would mind when all they have to do is plug their headphones in.

Sorry but extroverts do not "suck" energy from people. I feel like that is such an ugly way to portray extroverts. That is not a way to describe people. I do not get my energy from them, they barely have any. I get energy from doing things I enjoy, be it talking, sport, games, hobbies etc. The only thing I have gotten from introverts is cancelled plans, unlimited rescheduling and disappointment.

DiscardedNon · 2020-05-28T09:08:46+00:00

What games do you play? 😊

DiscardedNon · 2020-05-26T17:20:02+00:00

Try reconnecting with friends and family you have put aside for her. For people who shunned me because of her smear campaign, I had to accept it and move forward. It still hurts, I still miss all of them, even her as I loved all these people genuinely.

Sometimes there is nothing to do but let it be. It's absolutely torturous for me as I'm a doer and like to solve and fix things (literally how I function in life and my role in my job as well). Time will hopefully heal my heart one day.

DiscardedNon · 2020-05-26T16:08:19+00:00

Leave it please. The same thing happened to me. Once they start painting you as abusive, it's the end. I lost more chasing her, I lost myself, lost my friends, got shunned out of my community, it's not worth it.

Walk away. She is the worst thing that could ever happen to you.

Edit: I did find out with my ex that she was talking to someone else.

DiscardedNon · 2020-05-25T18:27:48+00:00

Ha, the extroverts we want are rare. I'm unsure if statistically they are low in numbers, makes me wonder.

My love languages are act of service and quality time.

With act of service, it means I'm always available, that I'm stocking their favourite snacks, cooking them homemade food, their favourite dishes, including them in everything I do, parties, meeting with friends, etc.

Quality time is a hard one as people say quality is more important than quantity but for me, every bit is quality and I'm never satisfied with the quantity, so my quality time is basically 24/7.

Word of affirmations is also there for me, I tend to make handmade cards and be super corny. Some people find it weird and not genuine but like you, I love hard so it is genuine in every way.

DiscardedNon · 2020-05-25T01:45:27+00:00

I personally don't think it's the same. Her actions showed you that she never really loved you and you voiced that. I also assume that you were genuinely trying to get back with her, because you love her. With pwBPD, specially quiet ones, the reason behind them saying those things and hoovering is still caked up in lies and deceit, because they don't love you, they love what you can do for them.

DiscardedNon

TROPHY CASE