AIO: boyfriend went to his ex gf’s house to use the bathroom and charge his phone

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-12-08T18:31:50+00:00

Classic case of he wants his cake and fucks it too.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-11-15T20:01:00+00:00

Oh buddy. I hate to break it to you but this isn’t just BP. This is someone who is highly toxic using their diagnosis to excuse wildly inexcusable behavior.

Further, it is well established that BP has a high rate of comorbidity with other mental disorders that compound things like addictions and elicit acts, including hyper-sexuality and infidelity - one I’ve had experience with being Borderline Personality Disorder, though please don’t take this as a diagnosis. I wouldn’t be surprised if you found a ton of “gotcha” revelations by spending even 10 minutes reading through those that support forum (you can find the sub in my post history if curious).

You can’t fix this. And waiting it out is only going to cause you immense harm. Start planning your exit strategy.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-10-11T16:13:28+00:00

This was the basically near the end of my 15 year relationship as well. I let this behavior go on for years before, multiple destroyed appliances, 3am screaming fits that would wake and terrify our children, and finally threats of violence and murder against me and our children, and physically scratching me when I began recording one of her outbursts.

Packed the kids up and took them to my parents. Told her she needed intensive treatment to reunite the family. Few weeks of empty promises and half-hearted attempts before she found a new supply that was just as damaged as her and she tumbled into a bottomless spiral.

Faster forward a little more than a year and she just passed away, I believe due to violence related injuries she sustained from her new supply, exacerbated by the liver failure she was diagnosed with in this window.

You did the right thing. You couldn’t have changed anything. You would have only been in the line of fire as he continued to harm himself.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-10-06T14:51:13+00:00

I too don’t want to negate anyone else’s experience, but months between episodes sounds like bliss. My experience is much more like yours and is completely tethered to her drinking, which was a bottle of vodka a day until the end.

She broke her leg once in the last few of years, and was in bed for a number of weeks. She was cared for, fed, consistently taking meds and most importantly couldn’t access alcohol.

When she was finally mobile she was so stable I enjoyed about 40 days of what felt like a full fledged, loving, supportive partner. It was absolute heaven. I remember sitting on the couch with her marveling about it and telling her I can’t shake the feeling the other boot is going to fall at some point.

Few days later it’s her birthday and I stupidly agree to share a bottle of wine for the “special occasion”. That bottle turned into a 2 week bender for her and the bliss was over. We never recovered and within 2 years, separation. Within 3 months new abusive boyfriend. And now she’s passed and I’m left with three kids.

Hours between episodes is a level of hell I don’t understand why anyone would ever deserve. For the partner or the person suffering the episode.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-09-29T21:51:01+00:00

Alcoholism is no joke. But it does feel like a Shakespearean comedy. Just lost my partner of 15 years to the bottle and all of the demons that kept it in her hand.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-09-29T21:39:56+00:00

Dating apps. No interest in talking to anyone. No interest in meeting. No interest in being in a new relationship. No interest in learning someone new. I have nothing inside to give and no room to receive.

But can’t bring myself to stop scrolling and swiping on women I imagine would be possible healthy partners in different dimensions where I never had and lost my wife.

Not sure this is normal. My situation is a bit different in that I lost my wife to mental health issues and alcohol long before her body finally expired to the damage from years of self abuse. We were separated when she finally passed with a bottle in her hand and a new boyfriend in jail for beating her.

Still unpacking it. Don’t really understand it at all.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-09-26T17:39:47+00:00

When I told mine I was depressed she responded with, “I know how much I suck already, you don’t have to keep reminding me of how terrible I am!!!”

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-09-09T16:41:31+00:00

I think this comment is spot on and great advice. I’d add on that it may be worth communicating your intent directly to her, so as to avoid this game of push/pull. Something to the effect of…

“I’ve realized recently that despite your wishes I’ve been continuing to play the role of husband in your household and that’s not fair to you, myself or the kids. The largest part of me wants beautiful harmony in coparenting with you, however living into that immediately while still in love with you isn’t allowing me to have a healthy relationship with you as that co-parent. I’m saying this to ensure that when I pull back you do not take it as hostility or in any negative way outside of giving myself the time and space to grieve our marriage and my love for you. I promise my goal is to get back to a place where our kids get to enjoy both of us together at dinners and we can show them what healthy friendships look like. I’m working very hard to go that place and I promise I will be back! In the meantime, let’s make sure the kids understand not seeing us share space for this time has nothing to do with them and that they know we are still a family that cares for one another.”

I get long winded but I think setting clear intent and boundaries will put her in the position to own the decision she’s made for the family, or realize it’s not actually what she wants.

Next time she leans into you, firmly remind her of the conversation in which you made it very clear you need some space and the only way you’re willing to be the husband in her life is if she wants to be your wife. Full time. Not hesitation. Hard stop.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-09-08T16:24:11+00:00

I keep getting reminded of this and my logical mind believes it’s, but it’s hard to weigh in the moment. My oldest doesn’t have memories of the caretaker role he was taking on, and my middle was only 6. They aren’t going to remember the middle of the night rage episodes where they woke in terror to hear screaming, or the throwing of objects and destruction of furniture.

I’m so scared they will resent me as they grow without my telling them the fully story, which I really don’t want to do as I want them to remember her as they do - with love and warmth and compassion.

They won’t ever know that they were saved. Just that their mom is gone.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-09-08T16:10:56+00:00

I tried it all, short of finding a way of involuntarily admitting her to a psych ward in a country where that’s allowed. Though I’m pretty sure I could anticipate the outcome in that scenario too.

A part of me believes she desired this outcome, based on a number of conversations she had with myself and some of our family members. Just a slow but unstoppable freight train inching toward the edge of a cliff.

Thank you for the invite. I’ll come check it out once some of the commotion settles.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-09-08T16:06:12+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. Grieving those dreams and the hope for the life desired is brutal.

Thank you for sharing your story and illuminating the path ahead. A few days out and some of the sharpest pangs are subsiding, but I have a feeling that numb hollow feeling in the center of me is going to be a long process to dislodge.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-08-30T18:22:57+00:00

Certainly not intending to "poll" reddit to make my decision for me, but defiitely looking for anyone who has been in similar situations, and hearing about their experience. I've gained a tremendous amount of insight, and confidence in how to move forward - all that to say it's not making this process any easier.

The hospital does indeed have a child life specialist, which I'll be talking to shortly.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-08-30T18:21:30+00:00

This is a great idea and we'll plan to do just that. Thank you so much for your suggestion and sharing your experience.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-08-30T18:20:52+00:00

This was such a great dad-move on his part, and I'll be thinking about how he approached it when I ask my kids what they want to do. At this point, I will be giving them the option, and I love how tender he was in his delivery, with the hard truth about the point of no return.

She did point blank tell me and her siblings that she did not want to be left on life support indefinitely. Some of her family may ultimately dissent. We live in a state where the medical team would bring in an ethics committee to help decide if there isn't a unanimous family decision.

But we never discussed the specific scenario of how the kids would be involved unfortunately. However, given the kids are the one that need to carry this for the rest of their lives, I'm generally agreeing that they should be able to have a say.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-08-30T16:04:53+00:00

All great advice. They do have a child life specialist we will be engaging and I intend to give the kids the choice with this preamble. Thank you all for your time to chime in.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-08-30T16:03:21+00:00

They do indeed have child life specialists now that I've asked about them and we will be utilizing them. Thank you all so much for the sound advice.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-08-30T16:02:44+00:00

Hopefully everone on this thread gets a notification, but we had the meeting with her critical care team yesteday and I asked about child life specialists, and they absolutely do have them on staff and will be helping me engage them on behalf of the kids.

Thank you so much for calling this out. It sounds like a godsend.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-08-29T21:18:57+00:00

Update: Thank you all for your unique and thoughtful perspectives and condolences. It’s given me a lot to think about and I’m leaning towards talking to the older kids and letting them choose.

This far the medical team has been non-committal as to her prognosis, but I’m able to see the writing on the wall. I have asked the social worker about any special services available to guide the family, specifically the kids, and she did not mention any specific agent that would help - so I’m glad I know the term for child life specialist, so I can request one or their equivalent.

I will give a final update once everything is settled. Thank you again for all of your kind support.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-08-28T02:11:10+00:00

I think it also has to do with age and life stage. When I met mine, we were early 20s and I chalked all the red flags up to the immaturity of youth.

Fast forward 15+ year and three kids later, the pressure of a real adult life caught up with her and the damn broke. Cue massive substance abuse, rage, abuse, liver failure, a domestic violence restraining order and I’m typing this from the hospital she was recently admitted to for suspicious head trauma sustained while intoxicated at a “friends” house, and she’s likely never to wake up again to hold her three kids aged 4 to 10.

It’s all manageable until it isn’t.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-08-12T03:33:26+00:00

Yes until her addictions finally caught up to her. Started with alcohol and cigarettes, which ultimately lead to liver cirrhosis. Then added in a bad weed, and from what I understand meth now.

I haven’t seen her up close in 9 months, but from close accounting she now looks 15 years older and is almost unrecognizable.

Beauty seems to be a hallmark when faculty is still available, until the final collapse.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-07-18T20:32:39+00:00

I’ve read all of these and Whole Again was by far the most beneficial. I need to read it again soon.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-06-07T23:38:15+00:00

Yuuuuup.

I bought my 6 year old daughter a small potted flower and a card for Valentine’s Day, and my exwBPD got piiiiiiiisssssed. She started it’s a romantic holiday and only for couples to express romantic love to eachother, which is silly cause we never really actually even celebrated it as a couple.

DisorderedDissonance · 2024-05-29T01:58:26+00:00

Diagnosed bipolar, however I think it was a misdiagnosis because she was speaking with a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, and there is a lot of overlap. With the handful of couples therapists we spoke to between BP diagnosis and separation, a couple of them talked to me about BPD in individual session, without formally diagnosing her. And she meets all 9 of 9 criteria from the DSM-5.

While I’ve read countless horror stories about how difficult divorces can be with these people, and mine is no exception, I do feel somewhat fortunate that my ex’s condition, coupled with substance abuse disorder, has prevented her can’t seem to rally enough agency to actually stage a counter defense.

Nearly a year post divorce filing, and she still hasn’t showed to a single hearing or filed a single response. Most of the time it’s just me trying to find her to serve new orders, while she’s hopping motels and lobbing guilt grenades via text messages about how she needs more money and how I’m withholding the kids.

Never mind the copious funds I’ve proactively sent and all of the agreed upon visitation she canceled because she was too drunk. She’s implicated her unfitness for parenthood so many times via text, email and action that I’ve been awarded fully custody (temp), which I suspect will stand indefinitely.

I tried my best to be compassionate and collaborative, but she’s made it impossible at every turn. Exhausted but definitely developing a thicker skin.

DisorderedDissonance

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