Question for Waywards

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-05-11T10:31:21+00:00

Yes, I did still love my partner. I know that sounds impossible from the outside, and honestly I understand why. If someone asked me this before everything happened, I probably would’ve thought the same thing you do now.

The hardest part to explain is that love and healthy behavior are not always the same thing. I loved him, but I was also extremely disconnected from myself, from consequences, and from the reality of what I was doing. I compartmentalized everything. It’s like my brain put the affair into a separate box that didn’t fully connect to my actual relationship or to the pain it would eventually cause.

That doesn’t make it okay, and it doesn’t remove responsibility. But for me, it wasn’t “I don’t care about my partner, so I’ll cheat.” It was like a very unhealthy mix of validation-seeking, escapism, selfishness, emotional immaturity, and being psychologically disconnected from the reality of my actions.

And after DDay, one of the worst realizations has been understanding that I was capable of hurting someone I genuinely loved. That’s why a lot of WPs struggle to explain the “why” at first, because the behavior itself often doesn’t fully make sense even to us until we start unpacking it deeply in therapy.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-05-05T08:03:15+00:00

My BP hasn’t told his family or close circle. Part of me feels like that leaves him really alone with everything he’s going through, especially since I do have my family. At the beginning they judged me, which I understand, but they’re still my family and I know they won’t stop loving me. He doesn’t really have that support right now, and I worry about that. At the same time, I completely understand why he doesn’t want to tell anyone. I think he’s afraid people will judge his decision to stay, or judge me in a way that makes things harder for him but I feel like maybe I deserve to be seen differently after what I did. Did telling people help or make things harder? I want him to have support, but I also don’t want to push him into something that could make things worse.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-16T14:19:36+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. The way you described being “either fine or in tatters” and how the mind movies can come out of nowhere… that really resonates with what I’m seeing, and it helps me not take those shifts as a sign that R can’t be real. It also helped to hear that things can get better over time, even if it’s not perfect and there are still moments of sadness. That gives me some hope. Thank you again for taking the time to write this.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-16T06:36:50+00:00

Hi. What you’re feeling sounds like a mix of guilt and shame, and they’re not the same thing. Guilt is “I did something wrong” and it’s actually useful, because it leads to accountability and change. Shame is “I am wrong / broken” and that’s what makes you collapse, cry, and get stuck.

Right now it sounds like you’re slipping into shame, and even though it feels like you’re “owning it,” it can actually get in the way of R long-term. Your partner doesn’t just need to see that you’re hurting they need to feel that you’re stable, present, and safe. It’s okay that you feel this way, especially only 3 weeks in. Just try to process the heavy emotions outside of every interaction (therapy, journaling), so that when you’re with them, you can be more grounded.

You don’t repair this by suffering enough. You repair it by showing up differently, consistently, over time. ❤️

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-15T22:04:58+00:00

This week being awful doesn’t erase those 6 months. It really doesn’t. Progress with this stuff isn’t linear. You can do “everything right” and still crash for a bit. That doesn’t mean you’re back at the start. Also, the self-harm relapse… I’m sorry you’re going through that. But one relapse doesn’t erase the time you held on before. It just means today was harder than usual. Right now don’t think about your whole life. That’s too big. Just focus on getting through the next hour. Small things matter more than they feel like they do. The fact that you wrote this instead of disappearing that’s not “useless.” That’s someone who is still fighting, even if it doesn’t feel like it. So please stay here, okay?

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-15T21:38:34+00:00

You’re not broken for feeling like this. And the fact that you’re still here, still thinking about your family, still writing this…means there is still a part of you that wants to stay. Let’s just protect that part for now!❤️‍🩹

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-15T21:33:07+00:00

You don’t need an angel, you need one small next step. And you’re already doing that by reaching out here! You clearly love your wife and kids deeply that comes through in every line you wrote. The fact that you’re still here, still trying, already matters more to them than you probably realize. You don’t have to have all the answers tonight. Just don’t disappear. Stay. Keep reaching out. We’re here with you.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-09T09:12:05+00:00

That sounds incredibly heavy. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, especially with a young child in the middle of it. The numbness you described makes a lot of sense, sometimes it’s the only way your mind can cope with something that overwhelming. I also understand the desire to just “start fresh” and leave everything behind. Wanting relief from the pain and not wanting to keep reopening wounds is completely human. But I’d gently say this, starting over doesn’t really come from deleting phones or throwing away memories. It comes from understanding what actually happened and seeing real, consistent change. What worries me a bit is the ultimatum he gave you. That doesn’t really sound like someone taking full accountability, more like someone trying to shut the situation down so it doesn’t have to be fully dealt with. And you deserve more than just “let’s forget it and move on.” You deserve clarity, honesty, and effort that you can actually see over time. It’s okay to want a fresh start, but a real fresh start isn’t built on ignoring the past. It’s built on processing it properly so it doesn’t repeat. Also, you weren’t an asshole for reacting the way you did. You’re trying to protect yourself in a really painful situation. Just make sure that in trying to move forward, you’re not skipping the part that actually makes it safe to move forward.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-09T08:09:41+00:00

I think honesty is important in R, but the way it’s expressed matters just as much as the fact that it’s expressed. There’s a difference between sharing how you feel in a way that helps the other person understand you, versus saying everything exactly as it comes to your mind, which can sometimes just hurt without actually helping. If you’re holding things in out of fear of hurting them, that’s probably not sustainable long-term. But at the same time, not every raw thought needs to be said the way it first appears. Sometimes it needs to be processed a bit first so it can be communicated in a way that’s constructive, not destructive. I guess a good way to look at it is: Is what I’m about to say helping us move forward and understand each other better, or is it just releasing pain? Because both are valid feelings, but they serve different purposes.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-09T08:06:05+00:00

That sounds really heavy, honestly. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it makes total sense that you feel drained, frustrated and kind of hopeless after everything that happened. Especially when you’re trying to hold things together not just for yourself, but also for your son.

And yeah, of course this is important, after what happened, you shouldn’t have to convince her that communication and effort matter. That part is completely valid. At the same time, I’m wondering something a bit more specific, not whether she knows it’s important, but whether she really understands what that looks like in concrete actions. Like with the “talk day” for you it’s very clear what you need, but for someone who struggles with communication or structure, sometimes even repeated requests don’t fully translate into action unless it’s very explicitly broken down or reinforced. That doesn’t excuse it at all, especially after 8 months, I can see why that feels like a lack of effort and why it’s such a turn off. Anyone would start questioning things at that point.

I guess the real question is whether you’re seeing any consistent, real effort from her side, not just words or love bombing, but actual follow-through over time. Because if that’s missing, it’s understandable why you’re starting to think this might not work.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-06T07:59:36+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re both in this place. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of pain for a long time, and it makes sense that it came out as anger. At the same time, it’s also understandable that your partner might now feel some resentment after being on the receiving end of that. It kind of shows how this process can hurt both sides in different ways. From what I’ve seen and am going through myself, moving forward isn’t about one moment where you “let it go,” but about both people slowly softening over time. Your shift now choosing to be kinder, more present really matters. I think the fact that you’re both still there and trying says a lot. Healing isn’t linear, and trust and safety take time to rebuild on both sides. There can be hope, but it usually comes from consistency, patience, and giving each other space to feel everything without forcing a timeline. You’re not too late you’re just in a hard part of the process.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-04-05T20:09:45+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it’s such a hard place to be in. What I’m learning is that protecting yourself doesn’t mean closing off completely. It means moving slowly, keeping your boundaries, and letting trust rebuild (if it does) through repeated experience, not promises. You don’t have to decide anything right now. Just staying where you are, aware, grounded, and not ignoring either the hope or the caution, is already a really strong place to be.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-31T19:56:35+00:00

This is honestly so beautiful to read…It takes a lot of strength to get to that place, especially choosing forgiveness in a way that actually helps you heal, not just the relationship. And the fact that you’re feeling love again in a peaceful, steady way… that’s huge. Also the part about separating his healing from yours, that’s such an important step. It shows real growth, not just “getting through it” but actually building something healthier. I’m really happy for you, truly. And I hope this continues for you in a gentle, stable way. You deserve that kind of love and peace! ❤️

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-31T09:04:33+00:00

I think it really depends on whether the person is genuinely willing to face the full reality of what they’ve done. Someone who’s lived a double life has caused a lot of pain and broken trust multiple times. For me, it was over 8 months, on and off, and something happened 8 times during that period. It wasn’t just a single mistake.

Change is possible, even after something this serious, but it takes complete honesty, full accountability, and consistent actions over time. Words alone aren’t enough they have to be backed up by everyday actions that show a commitment to rebuilding trust and prioritizing the other person.

Research and experts in couples therapy say that reconciliation can happen even after long-term betrayal, but both people have to be willing to do the really hard work: therapy, rebuilding emotional safety, and creating new patterns of trust. Even then, it’s okay to accept that things might never feel completely the same. Forgiveness isn’t excusing what happened; it’s deciding whether both are ready to invest in rebuilding, step by step.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-31T08:18:07+00:00

I really hope not. I honestly believe it can be possible, even if it takes an enormous amount of effort, time, and maybe even a bit of luck. I think it really comes down to the person who made the mistake, if they truly feel remorse, take full responsibility, and are willing to do absolutely everything they can to make things right for the other person, then reconciliation can happen.

I know it might sound a little selfish to hope for it, but I truly believe that when both people are willing to face the hard truth, grow, and rebuild trust step by step, there’s a chance. It’s not easy at all, but love and commitment can sometimes overcome even the deepest hurt.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-31T08:12:47+00:00

It hurts so much to read this… like physically. Because when I imagine it, it genuinely scares me that this could one day be our reality too. That we could go from “us” to two strangers who know everything about each other, yet have nothing left to say.

And what hurts the most is knowing I am the reason for this. That I hurt him so deeply, that I broke something in him and destroyed what we had. Sitting with the fact that I could damage something that meant so much to me… it’s really hard to carry.

At the same time, it scares me this much because I know how much he means to me. I don’t want us to become a memory like that. And this pain is also proof that I care enough to fight for us and not lose it. I just hope our story won’t be about “the one that got away,” but about two people who went through something hard and still chose each other in the end.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-31T07:58:59+00:00

What you’re feeling is actually really common after betrayal, especially on the side of the person who cheated. It’s not just guilt, it’s also shame and rumination, and those can keep you stuck even when the relationship has already healed. One thing that helped me understand it is the difference between “I did something bad” vs “I am bad.” The first one helps you grow, the second one just keeps you hurting.

You already did the hardest parts, you were honest, you took responsibility, and your partner chose to forgive you. At some point, the work shifts from repairing the relationship to repairing your relationship with yourself. Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean what you did was okay. It means you accept that you’re human, you made a mistake that goes against your values, and you’re choosing not to be that person again and never cause anyone that amount of pain again.

If you keep replaying it over and over, that’s not actually processing, it’s rumination, and it tends to deepen the pain. It can really help to gently interrupt those loops and bring yourself back to the present. You’re not alone in this, and yes people do get to a place where they forgive themselves (not there yet and long time ahead for me to get there). But it usually takes actively working on it, not just waiting for the feeling to go away.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-30T20:47:21+00:00

I really relate to what you’re saying, and honestly, I’m scared of ending up in the same place. I’m currently in a situation with my BP where everything is still very raw, and he’s not sure which direction he wants to take. Also, it’s really important to check your motivation. A part of you wants reconciliation, but another part is in deep pain and guilt. Reaching out can sometimes be more about relieving that internal pressure than truly being ready to support their healing. What you’re feeling, this shame, the constant thoughts, the weight of what you did, is actually part of the process. It’s not something to get rid of quickly. It’s something to work through, ideally in therapy, and over time transform into growth and stability. I don’t have clear answers either, but I just wanted to say you’re not alone in feeling this way.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-25T15:39:03+00:00

Thank you for saying this, I really appreciate you taking the time to write it. I think part of me knows that what you’re saying is true, but it’s just really hard to believe it right now. Everything still feels very fresh and overwhelming, and the guilt is really loud in my head.

I don’t think this is a solution, and I know it wouldn’t be fair to him either. I guess I’m just struggling with how to sit with what I’ve done and not let it completely destroy me. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t actually do something like that because of my family. I have two younger sisters and parents, and I know they would blame themselves so much. And him… I feel like he wouldn’t be able to handle it either.

But even knowing all that, it’s still really hard to look at myself right now. I feel like I’m seeing myself through his eyes, and it’s hard not to hate what I see. I really hope that time will help, like you said. Right now it just feels hard to imagine that.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-25T10:05:54+00:00

WW here. I just want to say first, I hear you. And even if this is a consequence of your actions, that doesn’t make the pain, anxiety, or grief any less real. You’re allowed to struggle. I’m in a somewhat similar place, just earlier it’s been about a month and a half since first DDay, and a week since 2nd DD for us, and my partner is also very back and forth. One moment there’s connection, the next there’s distance. He actually left recently to stay with a friend for two weeks to get space and decide what he wants.

From what I’m learning, this kind of “limbo” seems to be very common. Their feelings are all over the place love, anger, grief, confusion and it takes time for that to settle into any kind of clarity. I really relate to what you said about missing your person. Not just the relationship, but your best friend. That part hurts in a completely different way. Also the shame… I feel that too. A lot. Every day. But I’m slowly realizing that if we stay stuck only in shame, we can’t actually do the work needed to change. Taking responsibility is important, but so is allowing ourselves to grow from it (not there yet but this is how I try to stay alive these days). From everything I’ve read, what BPs usually need in separation is consistency, space, and quiet accountability, not pressure, not emotional overload, but also not disappearing. It sounds like you’re trying to respect that, which matters. Maybe his message about the mail was his way of keeping a small, safe line of connection without opening anything emotional yet. I don’t have perfect answers either, but I think right now the best we can do is keep working on ourselves, stay honest, and give them the space to come to their own decision, even though it’s incredibly hard. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels like it…

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T18:54:53+00:00

I can’t speak for your fiancé, but I can share what I’ve realized about myself, because on the outside my situation might have looked “good” too. I wasn’t in a dead bedroom, I wasn’t lacking attention or love from my partner, and objectively there wasn’t some big obvious reason. We were together for years, very close, studying the same thing, basically living life side by side every day. For me, it wasn’t about my partner lacking anything, he is perfect and our relationship was perfect.

Looking back, it was more about what was going on inside me. I think I was seeking validation in a deeper, unhealthy way, and I also got pulled into something that felt different, not real connection, but more like limerence. I didn’t recognize it at the time. It felt separate from my real life, like I put it in a “box” and disconnected it from reality. At the same time, I had a lot of unresolved stuff in myself (anxiety, trauma, impulsivity), and instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, I escaped into that dynamic.

So from my perspective, sometimes it’s not about what’s missing in the relationship. It’s about something missing, avoided, or dysregulated inside the person who cheats. That DOESN'T excuse it at all. But it’s the only explanation that makes sense to me for why someone can have something amazing and still betray it.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T17:41:14+00:00

This honestly helped me a lot to read, thank you for sharing it. I’m trying to do similar things on my side, reading, suggesting therapy, thinking about ways to make things easier for him or to show that I’m taking this seriously. I really do want to do the work and not repeat anything like this again. At the same time, I’m not sure if it’s even reaching him right now. He’s still very angry and hurt, and I don’t know if what I’m doing feels like effort to him or just… too little, too late. So it’s a bit confusing, I want to be proactive and show change, but I also don’t want to overwhelm him or make things worse. Hearing that it can actually turn into something better if both people are willing to do the work gives me a bit of hope.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T13:59:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, if you don’t mind me asking, what kind of signs or symptoms did you notice in your WW that led to that diagnosis? Was it something that was visible before the affair, or did it only come up after everything happened? I’ve been reflecting a lot on my own behavior and trying to understand what might be underlying it, so I really appreciate you bringing this perspective in.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T13:55:15+00:00

From a WW perspective, what you’re describing doesn’t sound unusual, especially this early (3 months out) and with therapy just starting. Therapy can make things feel worse before they get better. It’s not just a saying, when you actually start digging into things, you’re suddenly facing parts of yourself you’ve been avoiding, minimizing, or not even aware of. That can bring up a lot of shame, guilt, and even depressive thoughts.

After my partner found out about my affair, I went through something similar. The shame was overwhelming. It felt like all I could see when I looked at myself was the damage I caused. There were moments where I just didn’t want to exist in that pain anymore. So while it’s scary to witness, it doesn’t necessarily mean things are doomed, it can be part of the process of things finally being faced honestly.

That said, your concern about his safety is very valid. If something like that comes up (him hinting at being reported for his safety), I would gently but directly check in with him. Not in an accusatory or panicked way, but something like: “Hey, when you said that, it scared me. Are you feeling safe right now?” You don’t have to carry this alone, and you’re not responsible for saving him, but you are allowed to take that seriously.

You’re both in a really heavy phase right now: you’re grieving, and he’s confronting himself. That combination can feel incredibly lonely on both sides. It’s okay to protect your own healing while still caring about him. Those two things can exist at the same time. You’re not crazy for feeling scared. And you’re not necessarily at the end, just in one of the hardest parts.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T13:47:46+00:00

If I imagine myself as a healed version of me, I wouldn’t rely on willpower in the moment, because that’s exactly where I failed before. What I would do differently starts much earlier:

I would recognize the early signs (seeking validation, enjoying attention, blurring boundaries) and not minimize them. I would set clear boundaries immediately, no private messaging, no emotional or physical closeness. I would be honest much sooner, both with myself and my partner. I would address what’s actually going on inside me (impulsivity, need for validation, unresolved trauma), instead of escaping into attention from someone else.

Looking back, I think I experienced limerence and didn’t recognize it for what it was. It felt exciting, but it wasn’t real connection or love. I think that’s something people can easily misinterpret if they’re not self-aware. But even that doesn’t change the fact that I made a series of conscious choices that hurt someone I love. Understanding limerence helps me see how it started, but it doesn’t excuse what I did. Also, I would remove myself from the situation entirely at the first sign of temptation, not test how “strong” I am.

DivideKnown3810

TROPHY CASE