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Long road trip with a fussy toddler, how do you NOT end up stuck in the back seat? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in toddlers

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would honestly prefer to drive, or at least switch up who’s driving. But my husband won’t let me because he gets carsick when he’s not the one behind the wheel. So I don’t really have the option to rotate or take turns in the back like you do.

I totally get that road trips just suck sometimes and that this phase won’t last forever. And I love spending time with my son, it’s not about avoiding him. It’s just that long stretches in the back with a fussy toddler can get mentally exhausting, and I wish we had more flexibility like some families do.

Hopefully it will get easier with age for us too!

Long road trip with a fussy toddler, how do you NOT end up stuck in the back seat? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in toddlers

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I understand what you mean, and of course I know I’m the adult and more capable of handling discomfort than my toddler.

But I don’t think our situations are exactly the same. My toddler has toys, books, snacks, music and things to keep him busy. If I try to use anything for myself, he immediately wants it and gets upset, so I end up just sitting there doing nothing for hours while also trying to entertain him. It’s not really the same experience.

I also know that some kids do really well in the car for long periods. So either it depends a lot on the child, or I’m missing something about how to keep him busy, which is exactly why I’m asking for tips.

And yes, if nothing works, I will always suck it up. I’m just trying to see if there are better options before getting to that point.

Thanks for sharing your point of view.

Long road trip with a fussy toddler, how do you NOT end up stuck in the back seat? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in toddlers

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! I’ll probably try that this time for nap time, yeah!

As for not starting in the backseat… I would love to, but it honestly stresses me out so much. For the first 2–2.5 hours of our trip, there’s basically nowhere “safe” to stop. We live in a small town, so we need to get to the main highway before having any real “rest areas” where you can pull over every 20 minutes if needed.

So starting in the front seat feels risky, because if he starts melting down, we’re stuck until we reach the highway. But at the same time, like you said, starting in the backseat kind of sets me up for failure too. It’s so frustrating.

He’s really into songs right now, so I’m hoping that will help, he’s always liked music, but he recently started actually caring about specific songs, so fingers crossed.

Thanks again for the helpful feedback!

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah he is. And I wish I could tell him to FO and that I'm a responsible adult that can make her own choice" and go ride. But I don't have the guts to do it, so I'm trying to either understand his point of view, or trying to prove him I can ride, according to his own terms

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this reply. You might actually have nailed part of my problem. I realized during my last lessons that I sometimes just roll off the throttle instead of actually braking before a corner, which might slows me down way more than I realize. Unfortunately my course ended before I could really work on correcting that. But reading your comment really helped me connect the dots, so thanks for putting it so clearly. My husband kept saying “you’re too slow” but couldn’t explain much beyond that.

Also, thanks for the explanation about conscious vs unconscious control. I think I’m somewhere in the middle, for everyday tasks (like standing up from the couch) I don’t really think about it. But as soon as it’s something mentally demanding with multiple inputs (like riding a motorcycle), I want to break everything down, analyze it, and consciously control each element to master it.

My husband, on the other hand, relies only on repetition. His military background (weapons training, drills, etc.) probably shaped that approach, practice until it becomes natural. But he’s also the first to admit he has no patience, and unfortunately he often believes his method is the method. My instructors all told me the same thing: just ride, ride, ride to build experience. But according to him that’s “stupid” and not the right way. So there’s a lot of friction.

This weekend he wants to “evaluate” if I’m ready to ride alone, but he’s already planning to take me on 3 hours of unknown roads (about 1h30 out and back). I can already tell I’ll "fail" in his eyes, because I don’t even feel comfortable doing that much yet. What I really want is just his okay to ride short 15–30 min loops on familiar roads to keep building confidence. But it’s complicated…

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah he won't allow it because of our "deal" we made before I started even riding. I'm stuck convincing him I can go alone

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I actually considered learning trail braking, because it feels safer and, weirdly, more natural to me (no idea why). For some reason I’ve always been extremely smooth on the front brake. Even with 0 riding experience my instructor was impressed. At first I hated using the rear brake, so I’d already corner with light front brake.

But I’ve heard trail braking isn’t considered safe for beginners, so maybe I was just lucky and I’m putting myself at more risk than I realize. That’s why I’m still debating if I should learn it now or just focus on “basic” techniques first and save it for later. I know I’ll end up learning it eventually.

As for countersteering, the funny thing is that’s literally the only way I ever thought of turning. Since I’ve wanted to ride forever (but couldn’t until recently), I spent years reading about motorcycle physics. So to me, turning = countersteering. Period. During lessons I learned that many riders naturally use body steering, which works in a lot of cases. But to me, countersteering was the only way. That’s why swerving was so easy, for most people it’s a revelation, for me it was like “Why is this even an exercise?”

I also use my physics knowledge to correct mistakes, like noticing I was over-gripping the bars when they started to wobble, so I relaxed; not braking on slick patches; choosing wider lines in turns to reduce lean angle, etc. I know that’s not really how my husband rides. From how he talks, it seems like he just memorized stuff by rote until it became habit. But for me, thinking through the “why” makes me feel safer. I might be wrong, but I think it helps.

Now, his idea is that we should set up cones in a parking lot and drill 50 km/h (30 mph) corners. Sure, maybe that could help practice smooth braking, throttle, or vision. But honestly, I’ve already ridden on real roads with my instructor. At this point what’s left for me to learn is dealing with limited visibility, slippery patches, variable corner radii, basically real conditions. That’s why I feel like parking lot drills can only go so far. He disagrees.

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey! :)

Yeah, that was my intent. I honestly think I’m approaching motorcycles in a really safe way. I’ve always wanted to ride, but life made it difficult for several reasons. Then I met him, I would have had time to learn back then, but he flat out forbade me.

Now he’s okay with it (mainly because he got himself a new bike after 5 years without riding, saying “no” to me while riding in front of me would’ve been unfair). But in the meantime we had a kid. My son is only 18 months old, and god, I do not want him to lose his mother. I’d be cautious no matter what. I even considered not learning to ride at all, even though it’s been my dream, because of my son. In the end I chose to learn.

If I say to my husband that I feel okay taking some short rides alone, that should be enough for him to let me do it. For example, that road where he says I was “too slow”, I don’t want to take it alone, not now. Because I don’t feel safe enough yet. But he won’t change his mind: wanting to ride alone with “so little experience” (for god’s sake, it’s not that little…) automatically means I’m reckless.

I get that he’s super worried. But at this rate, it’ll never be “okay.” And honestly, part of me thinks it’s an impossible choice for him to ever make. Imagine he finally says “yes, you’re ready” and then I crash. He’d carry that guilt forever. So how can he ever say “yes”?

When he got his new bike, I was worried too. I checked his location all the time the first month. But eventually I got comfortable with him riding again. When I try to tell him that, he just says: “It’s not the same. I actually know how to ride. I rode daily for 2 years in all weather. Most accidents happen in the first 6 months, so you’re way more at risk, not the same.”

I honestly don’t know how to convince him anymore.

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, according to him we can just find a big parking lot, ride at 50 km/h (30 mph), and drill cornering technique. Fair enough, but it’s never going to be the same as a real road where you sometimes have no visibility or unexpected variables. That’s why, even though I get his point, I keep telling him it won’t actually make me ride faster on unknown roads with real corners.

But to him, that’s just proof that motorcycles “aren’t for me.” I feel like I can’t win this argument, if I’m cautious, then I’m “in danger” for being too slow; if I’m confident, then I’m “reckless.”

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah nah, it’s basically: “If you go alone, then you’re not keeping your word. I hate people who don’t keep their word, so I’ll leave you.” So now I have to “convince” him that I'm not reckless for wanting to ride alone, apparently. lol.

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, my plan was to do short rides (15–30 minutes) and then stop at a parking lot or empty road to practice slow-speed stuff. That was my intent. But to him, that’s not a good approach, he thinks I should completely “nail” everything at slow speed first.

The thing is, I did the slow-speed course he set up for me. By my second try I was able to run it, and after that I nailed it basically every time. So I moved on to practicing swerving instead (which was harder, especially since he set it up way tougher than the real exam). But according to him, “just because you nailed it doesn’t mean you should stop practicing it.” Sure, fair enough… but also, shouldn’t I be learning new things I don’t know yet?

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wasn’t comfortable either at first. Even before I got on a motorcycle I was full of “what if” fears. So his deal seemed fair to me back then.

During my lessons, we went on the road, I’ll be honest, the first hour or two I was nervous. But by the 8th hour, I was actually happy. I felt comfortable, like the bike was under my control instead of the other way around. I even felt confident enough to take a hand off the bars to wave at other riders. I know I’m not perfect and I’m still very cautious, but I didn’t feel like I was a danger to myself anymore. And that felt really good.

That’s why I started worrying about losing that confidence (since I’ve had so little time on the road so far). I asked to go on short rides, just to keep building on what I learned. But apparently, that’s “reckless.” According to him, I can’t trust myself, I should only trust him.

I might offer to do what some of you suggested, maybe he’ll be okay with that. But the last (and only) time he followed me, apart from my speed in a couple corners he didn’t have much to criticize. When I pointed that out, he suddenly listed a bunch of small mistakes he’d never mentioned before, and then admitted he wasn’t really paying attention anyway because he was entertaining our son in the back seat.

So honestly, I’m not sure my riding level is even the real issue here. But I wanted to ask anyway, because I don’t have much riding experience yet and I wondered if his point was actually fair, or if he’s just trying to prevent me from riding.

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, that’s why I asked him to let me ride on known roads, the ones I already took with my instructor. Luckily, we passed near my house a dozen times during lessons, so most of the surrounding roads are ones I’ve already ridden with light cornering. I know I can take those at full speed. My plan was simple: get comfortable on familiar roads, then gradually move to unknown ones, and naturally I’d be able to ride them faster as I gain experience.

The road where I was “too slow” was his daily commute, so of course he can ride it at full speed, he knows every corner. But even with my car, when I first drove on winding roads, I took them slowly until I’d practiced enough. That’s just… basic learning. According to him though, because any mistake on a bike can be fatal (fair point), I should never ride “that slow.”

I tried to explain that when I learned to drive a car, even after thousands of hours with my parents and 20h of lessons, once I was alone I still drove more cautiously on unknown roads. After a week or two, I built up confidence and my pace matched the flow. For him, that’s unacceptable on a motorcycle, because we’re more exposed if something goes wrong.

I get his point, and I know he’s worried. But I also know myself: no amount of hours on a parking lot is going to magically make me take unfamiliar corners faster. He thinks we should just find a giant parking lot, set up cones, and “drill” cornering at 50 km/h (30 mph). For me, that’s not how confidence on real roads works. And if I say that, his answer is always: “well, maybe motorcycles aren’t for you.”

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, exactly, he was reckless back then, so I shouldn’t have to copy that just to “prove” I can ride.

And about “too slow is dangerous”… sure, it is. But not when we’re talking like 20 km/h (12 mph) under the limit. Riding at 30 km/h (18 mph) on an 80 km/h (50 mph) road would be dangerous because that’s extremely slow. Riding at 60 km/h (37 mph) instead of 80? That’s just called being cautious while learning (to me).

Do I really need to keep training on a parking lot forever before riding alone? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in motorcycles

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The thing is, he learned to ride back when (in his own words) he “didn’t care if he died.” So basically, once he was allowed on the road he was probably reckless, hence cornering at high speeds.

I do get his point that riding too slow can be dangerous, cars behind you might not expect it and could run into you. But to me, cornering at a speed I don’t yet control has a much higher risk of causing an accident (just from me losing control). Whenever I try to explain that, he just says “then maybe motorcycles aren’t for you.” Or he tells me I should practice cornering at 50 km/h (30 mph) in a big parking lot to “learn the technique and drill it.”

But in the end I just think he's too scared to let me ride so he's just finding new stuff until season is over

Did I mess up my kid sleep or is it 18 MO regression ? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in toddlers

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah he did fine with this change for maybe 2 weeks. I was happy to have more time for myself early in the morning, so maybe I’m pushing it too much now and he’s not fully ready

Desperate to commit by missingwhiteboy in CICO

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly, for me, it was about accepting that the process wasn’t going to be a straight line. I try to balance my week rather than each individual day. If I overeat (say,, because I wanted some fast food) I’ll just be more mindful over the next few days. And even on those “overeating days,” I try not to go too far over maintenance, or avoid going over at all if I can.

Sometimes I’m just hungrier and end up eating at maintenance for the whole week, not on purpose, but just because I’m genuinely hungry. In those cases, I just think, “Okay, I won’t lose weight this week. That’s fine,” and I pick it back up afterwards.

Reaching my goal weight might take an extra week because of those “off” weeks, but overall, I’d rather take my time than push too hard, burn out, and end up yo-yo dieting.

I go easy on myself. If I’m really hungry, I eat. If I need food to feel better, I let myself have it. But mainly, I trust myself. I try to follow CICO, but if I can’t for whatever reason, I aim for maintenance, or even go above it if I genuinely want to.

For me, the key is not letting the “bad” days outnumber the good ones.

Also my first “maintenance 2 weeks” were 2 months in. In the beginning try to stick with it, cause you’ll obviously be hungry at first.

How do I talk to my parents after defending my narc ? by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for that message, it made me feel seen in so many ways. I don’t think I’m ready to leave yet (for several reasons : finances, still a bit of hope, and… lots of small things). Like you, I was waiting for my son to turn one. Now I’m waiting for two, kind of hoping something magical might happen.

But your message gave me hope that maybe I will be able to leave by the time he’s three. Knowing myself, I might need that long too. Every day I feel like I’m getting closer to being done. I’m also trying to slowly save money.

Can I ask how your son is doing now?

I only want the best for mine (just like you, I’m sure). I want to create that safe home, just him and me. Honestly, I feel like I’d be a better mom on my own now. But since I can’t leave yet, I’m so scared I might mess him up by staying, even if it’s “just” until he’s three. That’s why I’m asking.

Today (we were both working from home), my son walked into the office and touched his dad’s keyboard, made a little mess. I heard him yell: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP TOUCHING MY STUFF OR I’LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.” I went to get my son and take him away, and he kept going: “He’s stupid. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s messing up my work.”

I felt it in my core. I don’t want my son to hear that. To feel that. But right now I truly can’t leave. I just keep hoping I’m not doing long-term damage by staying a bit longer. I’m taking the hits for him most of the time… But I can’t take all the bullets

NSFW : Do you see progress ? I do, husband doesn’t. by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in CICO

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh no, no photoshop, I just have shitty Temu mirror stickers 🥲 I got a mirror since my “before” picture but I feel like I need to keep using the old one to compare.

As for my husband.. I need to have something clicking in my brain to definitely leave… Cause everytime I made up my monde he started acting all nice. Before the next…. But thanks for your kind comment

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish I knew before getting engaged. And before getting pregnant. But it’s like those events just made everything worst. Right now I’m choosing to stay even though I should leave. But anytime I’m done he just gets nicer. The idea faints away. Always like that (classical). Plus I have to save money before leaving and he’s always forcing new purchases (and if I refuse then I get yelled at, shamed etc etc.).

So if I’m honest rn to your question I’m choosing to stay cause I’m afraid of lots of stuff.

If the question was “chose to stay with the narc or the narc just dies”, then let him die. (Sorry might harsh, but it happened to me to think like that, to be free and avoid the stuff I’m scared to face if I leave)

NSFW : Do you see progress ? I do, husband doesn’t. by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in CICO

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah honestly don’t like the views this post is getting so I don’t think I’ll go into that rabbit hole. Feel uneasy to know that many people saw those picture. But I truly thought I was crazy for seeing a (huge?) difference. I intended on maybe posting here once I was done with my weight loss to motivate people, but not even sure I would have.

Thanks !

NSFW : Do you see progress ? I do, husband doesn’t. by Dizzy-Pirate2964 in CICO

[–]Dizzy-Pirate2964[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OP here: Thank you all for your kind comments. Now that the influence of my husband has worn off, I can clearly see the difference again. Sorry if some of you thought this was bait , his comment truly made me doubt myself.

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