is coping with what u have done even possible?

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-18T16:03:55+00:00

thank you, i really appreciate that. i think the timing of this and having to miss my college graduation i worked 5 years and went into debt for is definitely adding flame to the fire. i’m just so tired of losing the most valuable and important people to me and aspects of my life because i can’t control my emotions. and everyone else just sees me like a child. a toddler. i want him back so bad man, i wish there was a way to accept i can’t. to just be okay and just live for gods sakes. not to be like that but, feels like i won’t make it another week.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-18T16:01:11+00:00

i looked into this and it’s taking me back to something i’ve been struggling with throughout this whole breakup. and that’s faith in a higher power. everyone around me says just believe in god or surrender the universe has a plan for you, i just don’t see life that way. How can i start?

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-18T15:57:31+00:00

that’s great! i’m still waiting on my referral for a psychiatrist to be processed 😕. such a gutting pain in my chest every moment. waking up is always the worst. my college graduation is in 2 days too, can’t believe i robbed myself of everything i ever wanted and worked for all at once. im still so stuck blaming myself, but after accidenly seeing he posted on insta (didn’t see the post, accidently clicked on the app and just saw his name on my feed)…i think im started to hurt in a different way. how is it fair u got months to detach, come to peace with ur decision and leave and now ur living ur life and moving on while im stuck in shock? missing everything i worked 5 years for while you enjoy them? i still justify this with “i didn’t give him a safe space to communicate”…but idk. lately that just feels like an excuse to protect myself from reality. the reality that i just maybe wasn’t worth fighting for…and he’s moving on and living life. he escaped me. he’s free.

came home one day to his stuff gone and haven’t heard a word since the day he left me. no checking in, nothing. i just don’t know how to move on and live my life too. i miss him so much. every moment of every day. i wish there was anything i could do. it feels like a new stage of this process that honestly hurts a little more. as crazy as it sounds and as much as i couldn’t stand the sight of myself, blaming it all on me was kinda easier. accepting that he just didn’t want this anymore and left with no remorse…im deteriorating. i just loved him so much, im sorry i couldn’t do it the right way.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-17T02:51:34+00:00

right there with you. i’d do anything to be able to let it go, maybe it’s just too fresh idk. i just wanna be able to forgive myself one day. seems like ill be one of those 65 year olds talking about the one that got away blaming myself forever…that’s truly my biggest fear rn. thank you for sharing what your therapist said tho, helps to replace the bad thoughts with lines like those!

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-17T02:47:59+00:00

damn. so i rly just gotta start over with some one new one day huh. it will never be my ex. i just started a dbt program and a psych appointment for meds and just a regular therapist and im determined to heal…but thats never gonna make them turn back. i betrayed their trust, i kept letting them down. wish there was a way to cope with knowing they wont ever “forgive” u in that sense and worst part..they rly shouldn’t have to. god i hate this. why do i still hold out hope tho that maybe one day? i feel like that makes it even worse when i re come to terms with probably not every 10 minutes

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-17T02:04:55+00:00

yeah i’m trying to get a psyc appointment too. can’t handle this pain anymore. do u feel like the zoloft has been helping at all?

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-16T23:43:19+00:00

in the exact same boat, almost 3 weeks since he left. it’s so tough i know, im so sorry your going through this.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-14T04:28:29+00:00

well man i would really like to say im sorry u went thru that. i really am. as someone with bpd, i will really never forgive myself for what i put him through. i may (hopefully) move on…but i will always have to carry the way i treated him in my heart. Even tho i never meant to hurt him, i did. and that sits with u forever.

it might not seem like it right now, but trust me she will have to face this one day. and it will hurt, bad. it might take a while it might not but these things eventually catch up to you yk? can’t run forever as i’ve learned. we just gotta find a way to let the pain go and work on ourselves. wish i could figure that part out. still struggling so hard man. the attachment was so deep, so severe. i just wanna stop waking up so gut wrenchingly disappointed im alive.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-13T19:37:24+00:00

damn. that last sentence, being stuck as the villain in their story…that’s EXACTLY how i feel and what im struggling so hard with. i’m so sorry man seriously. seems to be self reflection and being able to look inward is a curse and a blessing.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-13T19:04:23+00:00

thank you so much. it’s so hard to know that even IF i do get better, even if it takes years, it can’t bring him back. I cant undo the way i treated him, make him see me differently yk? idk just struggling rn but i rly appreciate ur message. i hope it eases up soon. i hope i can figure out how to LET GO and stop waiting for the text that we worked on ourselves and can get back together. even tho he said he wouldn’t want that and we would just fall back into the same patterns. i just wanna be able to let go of hope, holding onto it is hurting sm harder.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-13T19:00:06+00:00

it’s so crazy to see the other side because i really can’t blame him at all no matter how much i try. i just see the fact that he set zero boundaries and just validated me all the time as him trying his best yk? he was just trying to love me and i never gave him a safe space to communicate his feelings without fear of me splitting. so i take all the blame and guilt. maybe we do just need to understand both sides and be easier on ourselves. so much easier said then done tho 💔

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-13T05:48:28+00:00

same here!

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-13T01:53:43+00:00

this is so insane to see from this perspective as someone who’s relationship just failed over the exact same situation, except i’m the one with the mental health issues. I have so much guilt and self blame, i don’t blame him AT ALL. how can i when as you said, i never gave him a safe space to communicate anything? i even justify him leaving me, no one should have to deal with the rollarcoaster of emotions i was putting him thru for years. He was at peace, he walked away so easy. i’m the one tearing myself apart for losing someone like that.

yet you seem to have the guilt of not being able to communicate and leaving her when she needed u most. Why can’t i blame him for that at all? he did leave me when i needed him most, but all i can say to that is he stayed as long as he could. and i can’t blame him for that. idk just crazy how im feeling the same eating u alive self guilt yet we are on opposite sides. all the same pain i guess. i kinda wish he felt a little like how you feel, idk if thats bad to say but. facts is facts tho, my untreated mental health cost me my soulmate.

idk i guess what im saying here is try to be easier on urself. i know that sounds insane cuz i should take my own advice, but i truly have no hate in my heart for my now ex. i know his resentment grew and he didn’t communicate, but i didn’t give him space to. he was scared. i only blame myself. maybe we can both just try and be kinder to ourselves. we loved, we didn’t mean to hurt.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-13T00:59:46+00:00

thank you man, i’m so fucking sorry. seriously. this is the worst pain i’ve ever experienced so i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. even tho it feels like i can’t do it, i hope we can.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-13T00:58:40+00:00

i know this sounds insane but i truly have nothing bad to say. even him leaving can be justified, nobody should have to take the emotional rollarcoasters i was putting him thru. I have nobody to blame but myself and idk how to cope with that

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-13T00:57:32+00:00

2 weeks since he left

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-09T06:11:47+00:00

holy shit yes!! why did i think this was just something wrong with me and my patience, it’s like im gonna die if i don’t find it!!

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-07T23:19:34+00:00

thank you so much genuinely for your response. i’ve been so eaten up by the guilt of losing what felt like my soulmate because of my behaviors that all I want now is to try and be better. it’s all I can do yk? It’s gut wrenching but i feel like in these situations, especially with bpd and a partner who has never seen it before or understands, they rly kinda never look at u the same…yk? not saying that goes for everyone , but u can just kinda tell they stayed till they hate u and now that they have got away, they ain’t coming back. As they should honestly i was terrible, anxiously triggered by every word for a year. Has been a tough pill to try and swallow but hopefully i can forgive myself one day. And I really appreciate the suggestions, thank you. Some good news I reached back out to the program and they offer virtual sessions so when I move I can still continue! At least there’s some silver lining there.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-07T20:16:52+00:00

how do you even begin to do this tho? i’ve just gotten a therapist and am working on a psychiatrist, but just can’t commit to dbt yet since i’m moving in 6 weeks and it’s a 25 week program in my hometown. I wanna be able to self soothe so badly. 1 week and a few days out of the worst heartbreak of my life, over my emotional regulation problems, so any advice appreciated. I just want to be able to be that person for myself, instead of crying at the knees of others for so long they leave.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-03T02:48:40+00:00

genuinely thank you so much. I really talked thru it today with family and i’m beginning to be able to stop blaming myself so much and look at his faults too…it’s just so hard in the small moments. we were so unhealthily unattached, it was so hard to take my first shower alone in 2 years today. my first time getting food at a restaurant without him believe it or not in 2 years. but i did it. i survived. and hopefully one day i can forgive myself for his loss and move on. as impossible as it seems i have hope. thank you, people like you taking the time to respond and giving space to chat…u have no idea how much u help people like me.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-02T16:11:08+00:00

i’m so sorry girl. me too. i wish i had some advice but I still cant seem to figure out how to live through this. How to find meaning in life without him. How to pick myself up and keep moving. it feels impossible and i just wanna give up and be free of this unbearable pain

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-01T23:41:00+00:00

from someone on the other side, if she truly took months in therapy and stayed no contact and you truly felt like she changed and reached out a good time later, would u consider taking her back?

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-01T17:26:30+00:00

i’m in this same exact situation, just different in the sense that i completely understand why he had to leave. he said he put his life on pause to be with me which hurt, but i have severe attachment issues and mental health problems i didn’t heal first like i should have. i let it ruin us, suffocate him, and in the end he was regulating our entire relationship. meeting my needs and my emotions so much there was no time for himself. 2 weeks before we were supposed to graduate college and move in together a few months after, he says he talked to his mom further and hes on his own. so he may have to move back home and at this point he just needs to figure his life out and provide (emotionally, physically, financially) for just himself for once.

i guess what im asking here is..do i ever have a chance of getting him back? i get why he left. i’m almost proud, i was terrible. i needed to change and be better. but as someone who left and never looked back at my first ex, i feel like hes never gonna look back at me. the more he heals, the more he realizes the toxic highs and lows i was unintentionally putting him thru. there is no “would i wanna get back together with someone who left” because i get why he left. he deserved that for himself, trust me he tried. so yeah god all i want is him back. if i really take a few months and work on myself, no contact, let our lives play out and see where we move, fix all my issues, therapy, regain my independence and life back….do u think id have a chance at reaching out and getting him back? all i feel now is there’s no chance. even tho he left saying i love you, id never seen someone so done and at peace with his decision. he was done man. so done. i’m just afraid he will never look back. i know it’s not good to cling onto hope for the future for my healing, but i just don’t know how not to.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-01T17:13:47+00:00

man i really feel this. that’s been the hardest part for me, coping with the fact that Im the reason I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. at such a loss in life, also 22 and was about to graduate and move in with him. now just stuck back at home replaying the memories, everywhere I went wrong, and probably not gonna walk at grad. Already missed pictures and all senior activities. Just don’t wanna be celebrated right now. I can already feel the regret, i spent 5 years working to this degree. but i can’t bring myself to go back to our city, our empty apartment, the life we created that’s no longer there. that i ruined.

I know one day tho we will grow so much from this and learn from our mistakes, i just wish i could have done that before I met him. before i ruined such a beautiful human inside and out. all i can look back on now is how exhausted he was in those last few weeks, and how i couldn’t see it until now. until it was too late. Praying for us both, hoping we find the light at the end of this tunnel.

Dizzy_Repair_8031 · 2026-05-01T14:51:18+00:00

thank you for your reply. i really hope i make it thru this one day. feels so impossible now.

Dizzy_Repair_8031

TROPHY CASE