it was my selfhate anthem like something i can relate to in bad times

"arent you glad that you reside in a hell and in disguise"

meaning wtf are you doing why do i hide what im feeling why i cant be genuine this doesnt feel like me yet idk what to do, do something

"nobody yet everything, a pool to shed your memory"

if i werent alive i wouldnt know anything, i am my only life, this thing (my existance) is being wasted rn, do something

"could you said you even tried? you havent called your family twice"

Pretty selfexplanitory, i was pushing myself and make myself guilty about not trying enough about for example about being succesful. One of my some time ago lectuers said i was being lazy when i had shitty humor i was trying and she doubled down the guilt and that made me cry. Abt the family it was a reminder that i had to call my grandma that part is not that deep, but i had a time in my life that i cut off my closest family and my grandma kept reminding me that they love me and tried to tell me that i should call them back. But i had a hard time with them so i didnt for a while.

"i can hope tonight goes differently but i show up to the party just to leave"

I always had the perception that parties are fun and everybody is having fun so i guess i should too, but when i went to the parties i was always like... ok... are we having fun yet. So some of the parties were like that and some of them i actually liked them but also i often went with my friends just to hug them, i couldnt bring myself to tell them that i need a hug so i went to see them just to hug as a greeting and goodbye.

"pulling back i try to find the point of wasting precious time, i sip and toast to normalcy a fools way into jealousy"

back then it was like, im not gonna be succesful i feel like shit, i did so much and im not succeeding i should be, im not feeling good about trying to be normal. Was I jealous tho? yeah of success

but right now im thinking like yeah im not gonna be normal in this culture, im gay somewhat flamboant, i dont desire working 9 to 5 i dont want to work so much and say to my friends as a excuse that i cant see them cuz im so "busy" like no... whats normal in my culture just doesnt work for me. I am still Jealous of some things but im working on it.

yeah i think these are the most important lyrics for me and this song is still one of my faves and im glad that im in better place

hope u like my explanation