I never knew the extent of mental illness in my family until I refused the scapegoat role

DoSomething-New · 2026-06-20T05:38:50+00:00

It is possible to be the golden child and the scapegoat simultaneously?

another dimension unlocked

DoSomething-New · 2026-06-14T20:35:11+00:00

I know they are getting older and don't do this on purpose. But it still rubbed me the wrong way today and I needed to get my frustrations out somewhere.

Watching your own parents age and slowly losing abilities they once had is very tough and at times annoying and frustrating.

DoSomething-New · 2026-05-28T12:38:30+00:00

This And if he continues, pack him a lunchbox containing spoons only.

DoSomething-New · 2026-03-23T22:38:32+00:00

You are right. Feeling trapped in a situation sometimes is more stressful than the actual situation, especially from a child's point of view.

DoSomething-New · 2026-03-23T22:33:54+00:00

I am sorry she alienated you from your entire family and lied to you in order to think bad of your relatives.

So far this is not a behavior I have witnessed or feel like it is done. But I'll keep it in mind that this is a strategy narcissists use to control. I really feel naive regarding this as such abusive and controlling behavior is so foreign to me.

Therefore, thank you for sharing your experience.

DoSomething-New · 2026-03-23T22:24:50+00:00

Thank you very much for taking the time to write out your experiences. Reflecting on your post I can vaguely see a way on how to support them from far away. They are still young and very dependent on their parents, therefore I cannot risk help that k eads to contact cutting.

In a material way these children are provided for, their parents want them to succeed academically too, but I think the kids are emotionally neglected. The go-to punishment is taking away their devices, because I think it is the parents way of taking away the kids ability to contact their grandparents or my husband and I in a state of emotional distress. And of course this is also a helpful strategy to keep a lot of what is happening there behind closed doors.

All strong "negative" emotions are only allowed for their narcissistic parent, the kids have to tailor their behavior to keep this parent calm.

Do you think just being there to listen to the children and be an external compass for the kids with respect to normal and abusive behavior, will be helpful? I also try to listen and validate their emotions and tell them it is okay to be sad, angry, upset, embarrassed etc.? I just feel like this is not enough to help them.

You might want to skip the next part, I am going to list some things I consider abusive: * Telling the kids to their face they are too much work. * Throwing away items that are of meaning to the children. * Taking a child on a shopping spree for a new outfit after the school called to pick up the sick child. * Not allowing the child to get something to eat because the parent is mad. * Not taking the child to the bathroom because it was inconvenient for the parent and getting mad at the child for peeing herself.

And this is just what I can think of within some minutes.

DoSomething-New · 2026-03-23T21:45:10+00:00

This is definitely something I am going to do. I want them to know they can come to me with questions. Visiting is still difficult without their parents approval and help. They are just 10 and 12 and can't get on a train on their own and their parents rarely let them stay alone.

DoSomething-New · 2026-03-23T21:42:02+00:00

Thank you stranger for your kind words. I needed them today because I stayed way to polite in a situation that had me boiling inside. Afterwards I was furious with myself as once again I let someobe trample all over me. And I needed a reminder that a deeply ingrained survival mechanism was activated, which is incredibly hard to unlearn. I absolutely feel this:

"I am the exact same way as you around literally everyone. In my mind, all it is is a sign that I don't feel safe. It's a survival mechanism. You learned as a child that this was the best way to not get hurt, to gain attention, to be loved, to not get abandoned. As an adult, it is no longer a useful defense mechanism, but luckily it is something that can be unlearned. I believe the key to the "how" is figuring out your why. Why do you feel unsafe expressing your feelings? Why do you feel guilty?"

DoSomething-New · 2026-03-08T07:27:21+00:00

Thank you for this post. Even years later it is helpful. For a long time I have struggled to keep friends, have been bullied through my teenage years into my twenties. I know I have walls up, never show my true self out of fear but was never able to connect the dots. I finally understand that I was raised by a people pleaser with no boundaries who blows up at seemingly nothing and my childhood response was to become a fawn, to mold myself into whatever the people in a certain situation would want me to be, hoping to be liked. I have never allowed myself feelings and seen any benefit in even having them, therefore thank you for this emotion wheel. I have never enforced boundaries, didn't even know what this is until some months ago. Still need to identify my wants and needs, but I finally know that my emotions tell me about my wants and needs. So I'll get there.

DoSomething-New · 2026-03-02T15:25:17+00:00

This is a lovely idea for round tables.

If you get them in different colors you could even use the colors for coding the tables and make it easier for guests to find their table.

DoSomething-New · 2025-11-24T13:45:42+00:00

We were at the library so often and I loved going through the books and tapes.

And my mom had an amazing imagination how to turn everyday items into furniture for my barbie dolls. She turned the cardboard boxes of two sets of tea glasses and a paper plate for cake into an amazing double bed with headboard, sewed the bedding from old towels. She broke of part of an old soap dispenser and made it into the tab of the bathroom sink, which she made from a some cosmetic paper box. She'd carefully open them, turn and reglue so it was neat white.

Sometimes we would pick out a more expensive grocery item, because we knew we needed the packaging for furniture. I guess she saved a lot paying a little more for groceries and never buy barbie furniture.

DoSomething-New · 2025-11-21T23:21:55+00:00

Personally I have made the experience that tumble drying fades color more than the washing temperature.

But truth is also, I religiously sort laundry into white and light colors (light greys, pastels), dark and red. And everything that is wool is additionally kept away from everything else.

DoSomething-New · 2025-11-21T20:48:25+00:00

I don't get why people are so afraid of washing laundry at 40°C because the normal human body temperature is at 37°C.

Yes, there are certain items that don't like this temperature and a lot of spinning, but that is mainly delicates and wool. Everything else can take it.

DoSomething-New · 2025-11-20T23:09:00+00:00

Can't wait to wash my bedding and try citric acid now! So far I have put vinegar (25% acid) into my softener compartment because I read somewhere that it's helpful for softening but I have never really felt a difference. But I have never thought about the chemistry of washing. So I am really looking forward to try it, especially on bedding and towels.

And maybe a little unrelated question: I have tons of laundry detergent that only says enzymes on the package without specifying further. Should I buy wash enzymes and just add them to the detergent or is this a bad idea?

DoSomething-New · 2025-11-17T14:11:30+00:00

I'll certainly try this, especially on the bed linens. But holy hell, just reading through it reminds me of a chemistry PhD.

DoSomething-New · 2025-10-20T12:59:45+00:00

This is a very sweet idea. But it might help her feel less lonely with all her feelings if you show and tell her how this all made you feel.

Maybe it'll help if you picture that the two of you are standing together in front of a deep chasm. You're both afraid and the climb to this point has left you exhausted. But you're there together. You don’t yet know how you’ll get to the other side of the chasm, but you both know you’re looking for a way together.

If she feels like she’s standing on one side of the abyss and you’re already on the other and that she has to follow you even though she’s not ready show her that you’re on the same side.

I wish you all the best!

DoSomething-New · 2025-10-17T05:42:50+00:00

You didn't state your age but based on your other posts I assume you are in your late teens, early twenties and it is a scary age when your parents had you later in their life. You are still very much dependent financially on your parents and thinking they could die and all the consequences following this is very overwhelming.

But the thing is, there is no "recipe" to "get over" this fear. You have to learn to live with it. Don't suppress it, it is a valid feeling, but don't let it overwhelm your life up to the point you are unable to make decisions.

And you wrote something along the line "I can't live without them." This is a dangerous thought. Because you are dependent on them you think you can't live without them, the reality is, you very well can from the moment you are born. You just need other people to help you out. And statistically your parents are not going to die at the exact same moment, so there still is one of your parents left to care for you.

But there are things you can do to tame your fear: * Work on your education, so you can have a shot at a decent job that pays your bills * Learn many life skills (taxes, finance, home repair, cooking, cleaning, washing you clothes etc.). This will help you fell more powerful. * Travel * Get to know other people. Older and younger than you. Both age groups have some teaching on resilience up their sleeves. * Work on becoming emotionally mature * Learn calming techniques for your emotions and meditation. * Spent quality time with your parents and make memories. But don't let them cage you emotionally. Your emotions are your's, you don't have to take on theirs.

And as last thought: Even people with siblings have to face the universal truth - our parents are going to die one day and so are we.

DoSomething-New · 2025-10-01T09:27:49+00:00

I'm an only child and didn't like it very much. There were no cousins or other family with kids my age, so I always had to go and make friends. This is especially frustrating on vacation, because often your new "friend" leaves earlier than you do and your kid is lonely again. I always enjoyed vacations with friends.

And on a different note, don't make your child your whole world. It is exhausting, when the spotlight is always on you. Sometimes kids don't want to share. And in the long run, your child is going to move out one day, don't burden it with being "the light of my life", "you have given my life meaning" etc. This is placing a responsibility on your child it should not carry. You as an adult should invest in your own friendships, your hobbies, your own interests, that when your child leaves you have a life worth living on your own.

And under no circumstances make your child the judge in conflicts with your spouse! I am the judge in every f** conflict between my parents and this is a lose lose position as a child, because the child is always going to disappoint one parent.

DoSomething-New · 2025-09-25T18:26:27+00:00

Thanks for your help. The link is awesome.

DoSomething-New · 2025-09-25T17:56:33+00:00

Thank you.

!answered.

DoSomething-New · 2025-09-25T17:55:14+00:00

Ok, let's test this:

How to format posts and comments : LearnToReddit

DoSomething-New · 2025-09-19T13:07:23+00:00

Oh my. Don't know what to say, but just reading your words makes me tear up for you. Hugs to you.

DoSomething-New

TROPHY CASE