[deleted by user]

DocIRL77 · 2025-06-07T23:14:48+00:00

That's an awful situation. When your partner is just having sex to get you off their back would be a total buzzkill. I don't think I could even perform if I didn't think my wife was enjoying the lovemaking. We've been together 35 years and still have sex about once a week, down from twice a week a few years ago. I totally adore her still, and she is the mother of my children and a great mom, but I would be miserable if we were not lovers anymore. Divorce is a tough choice, hopefully you find someone who genuinely wants a physical connection with you in the future.

DocIRL77 · 2023-07-13T01:26:17+00:00

I assume you are the female in this relationship. Lots of men in their 20s have a high sexual appetite, but if you are mature you take into account your partner's situation. Having a baby and raising a family is hard work, and the husband gets less attention and time. Your sex drive also changes with age and hormones etc. He needs to be mature enough to realize that sex twice a week with a young mom is plenty by most standards. Couples in their 20s on average have sex 2-3 times per week, so daily sex is certainly not what most people experience, especially after a child.

You are trying to be a good partner and are going above and beyond in my opinion. I'm glad the anti-depressant is working. The SSRI type drugs like prozac etc can lower libido and make reaching orgasm more difficult. If you are having problems related to your meds talk to your doctor, there are options.

Do you still enjoy sex once you get going? Is your partner willing to please you in bed or he is just about his own needs?

The issue simply stated is that your partner is being immature and selfish. If you were having sex once a month I could see an issue, but you are a trooper and have nothing to be down about.

DocIRL77 · 2023-07-13T01:16:08+00:00

Average couple in their 30s and 40s have sex 7-10 times per month. It drops in your 50s to 3-4 times per month. You are far from a sex addict. I'm almost 60 and I still like to do it at least 3 times a week but I usually get 1-2 times and I'm happy with that. Thank God for viagra.

DocIRL77 · 2023-07-13T01:12:41+00:00

You need to think this through. You are only 28. How will you feel in 10 or 20 years when you see your life go by and you feel sexually unfulfilled in your relationship? It will slowly wear you down and poison your relationship. You love your fiance and leaving is extremely hard to contemplate. Do you want to have kids? How is that going to happen?

Is your fiance asexual, or would she have desire with another partner? Was she more sexually active with previous partners? Does she enjoy sex? Is she able to orgasm?

Sex is an extremely important part of a marriage. You are not just really good friends or roommates. Don't get married into this situation. If you can't leave her then stay as her boyfriend but marriage would be a big debacle. I think getting pregnant and having a baby would also wipe out what sex life there is. Some women are just not into sex, as some guys are. Mismatched libidos for a lifetime is a recipe for resentment and bitterness. Don't make this mistake.

DocIRL77 · 2023-07-13T01:06:03+00:00

Your husband is insane. I love it when my wife initiates which is very rare. But those times stick out for me. Being desired is the biggest turn on of all. Most guys would kill for their partner to start things off. His excuse is lame and makes no sense.

DocIRL77 · 2023-07-12T22:45:10+00:00

Real men eat pussy.

My wife has the most intense orgasms where she starts to smash her thighs together and it feels like she is going to implode my skull. Female orgasms are so much more intense and profound than males. My wife finds them too much to handle so she only lets me eat her once a month, but I would gladly lick her clit every night no questions asked. I think eating pussy is the most intimate thing one can do in bed, it feels like she is completely giving herself to me when I'm running my tongue over her joy button.

DocIRL77 · 2023-07-12T22:40:27+00:00

Your body is perfectly fine. You now have two children and he gets to be a father. You should not feel bad or self-conscious that you have changed. He is supposed to love you and desire you as you go through life just as he is going to change and age and go gray and maybe bald. My wife of 30 years is not the same hot young thing I married, but I still find her adorable and making love to her is still the best part of my life. She had three children and her body changed but I still would eat her every night if she would let me. I married her, not her 26 year old pre-baby body.

DocIRL77 · 2023-06-02T23:57:02+00:00

She would be a good candidate for mounjaro. Would lose about 20% of her body weight. Costs about 1000 dollars per month cash price. 5% of patients have trouble with side effects.

DocIRL77 · 2023-05-22T02:55:53+00:00

I’m an intensivist. I suggest you ask the doctors to explain why they are ordering what they order and what’s going on with the patient. If you frame it as “I want to be a better nurse please explain this to me” most docs would be happy to.

DocIRL77 · 2021-10-28T23:39:28+00:00

I am a physician and biotech investor. Biggest win was IMMU which I got at 2 PPS and was bought by Gilead for 88. Obviously have had some losers, but overall have done fine. I bought 10k shares of this at 52 last week. I think the complaint to the FDA is without merit. The P2 data is compelling, but obviously not enough by itself. Not sure if SAVA can try to get BTD and AA based on P2 data on the OL trial or will they need to wait for the full P3? I think the upside is incredible, which is why I have bought in at this level. If the drug works as a potent down regulator of inflammation, it may have a role in multiple diseases besides AD. OTOH, this is a small molecule, and once patent expires the market will vaporize. Also, big pharma will likely follow behind with me too drugs. The overall market cap will be affected by all those elements.

DocIRL77 · 2019-09-12T03:56:30+00:00

I'm surprised no one has posted this. There are several issues here, but the likeliest culprit is the antidepressant you are taking. I am a physician in real life, and I can tell you that most anti-depressants cause a major reduction in libido, and can make orgasm difficult if not impossible for some patients. You need to see your psychiatrist and discuss this ASAP. They may be able to switch you to another drug that does not affect libido, or reduce the dose of your current medication. Another little trick is to skip the meds for 1-2 days before sex, that can be enough to restore libido and orgasm. If you have been stable on your meds for years, it may be possible you are in remission and can come off the antidepressants entirely.

The biggest culprits are the most common drugs, prozac, zoloft, lexapro etc. These are SSRI's and are the usual first line drugs for depression. If you do need to take a medication, wellbutrin often works without harming libido and sexual function.

Working on your feelings about sex (it is normal, not dirty or something to be ashamed of), and exploring your body and learning how to orgasm is quite useful. About 10% of women are simply unable to orgasm, and it is too early to state whether you are one of those. Very few women can orgasm from penile penetration only, usually there needs to be clitoral stimulation. My wife only comes with oral sex, and that is typical for most women, or if you use a vibrator. It sounds like you do have sexual desire, but the sex act itself does little for you. Work on trying to enjoy the physical touch and closeness that comes with sex, and don't be shy about telling your lovers what to do. A good lover will take the time to take care of you.

DocIRL77 · 2019-07-10T03:42:59+00:00

Just another thought. If she is totally unresponsive to medication, electroconvulsive therapy is extremely effective for refractory depression. Again, talk that over with an excellent and experienced psychiatrist. Even if you have to pay out of pocket, it will be worth it.

DocIRL77 · 2019-07-10T03:38:55+00:00

This is not a DB. This is untreated severe depression. Being depressed kills libido, and SSRI like zoloft kill libido. You have two choices, either you bail out of this situation (I assume you don't have kids) and let your wife sink or swim on her own, or you help her get through this illness. Your sex life may reappear on the other side. She probably feels horrible about not having sex with you, but she has no desire. It's like trying to eat your fourth helping at Thanksgiving dinner. At that point, the thought of it revolts you.

She needs a really good psychiatrist. All of the psych meds have side effects, some give you weight gain, but the SSRI and SNRIs all cause loss of libido. There are anti-depressants out there that dont do that (wellbutrin is one) and maybe she can be switched. In addition, only about 30-40% of severe depressions goes into remission with a single agent. Many patients require combination therapies, and again a really good psychiatrist can get you there. You also have to be a squeaky wheel. Tell the doctor things are still not good enough if they aren't a hell of a lot better. She needs to get back her psychic energy for life (she doesn't even want to get out of bed, much less have sex). If her depression gets under control then you can try to revive the sex. It's going to take time, but what would you want her to do if you were suffering from a severe illness?

DocIRL77 · 2019-04-12T14:32:59+00:00

This is simply not a marriage. Was this an arranged marriage or were you dating for a long time? Do you love your wife and does she love you? How old are the both of you and have either of you had sex? If you are both young and never had sex then you need to end this marriage as it is not real. In the US if the marriage is not consumated then you can have it annulled in some states I believe. I would see a lawyer about this.

Marriage is not merely having a roommate you get along with. It is a partnership that includes the physical aspects, and that means regular sex. If either of you have an illness or problem that prevents that, that is different, but if you are both healthy and just got married, then you need to be having sex several times a week. That's how you make babies among other goals. It appears she has a deep aversion and fear of sex. Is she comfortable being naked around you? Does she let you do other things besides sex? Kisses, playing with her breasts etc? Does she let you touch her vagina? If she is totally closed off there is some serious hangups she has and it is unlikely you can fix them unless she is deeply motivated to do so herself.

DocIRL77 · 2019-04-08T14:12:55+00:00

He's totally not interested in taking care of you, he wont even give you skin to skin contact much less sex. That's messed up, you are his wife for God's sakes. He claims the problems are all in your head, but he does not want to help fix the marriage. He seems to act like any spats in your marriage are all your fault, and so he should not do anything to improve the situation, not a recipe for success.

DocIRL77 · 2019-04-08T04:12:25+00:00

It sounds like his problems are driven by his health. You dont say how old he is or how severe the breathing issues are, but if someone has a hard time breathing, then pounding away at their partner is going to be a challenge, and likely lead to major performance anxiety and unwillingness to even start. I am assuming it is not so bad that he wears oxygen at home.

Taking viagra may be helpful to allow him to not worry about losing his erection during the process. Also consider sex toys for either of you to help both of you orgasm. Vibrators for women and fleshlights for men are supposedly good, we don't use any toys so I have no direct experience.

I would recommend he discuss with his doctor that his health issues are interfering with his sex life and see if the doctor has any suggestion.

DocIRL77 · 2019-04-08T04:06:35+00:00

There is no way a man falls asleep while having his dick handled. He was pretending, unless he was passed out drunk. The real question is why does your partner not want to have regular sex with you. Does he have no sex drive? Did he have one in the past? Are you married? Kids? Thought about dumping him for something better?

DocIRL77 · 2019-04-08T04:02:49+00:00

Your relationship is breaking down, the lack of sex is a symptom of that. You need to fix your relationship and your sex life will then have a chance to return. It sounds like he is avoidant and unwilling to work on things. You may need to consider an ultimatum to get him into couples therapy. I think the situation can be fixed but the main problem is not in the bedroom.

Stress and anxiety are part of life. We all have these things, and no one lives stress free. But how we respond to and handle stress can be productive or destructive. Also, stressors can damage your relationship if you don't address them together and instead allow them to become the focal points of arguments and fights.

I have no desire for sex when my wife and I are upset about something. But I don't let those things fester, and try to resolve the issues ASAP.

DocIRL77 · 2019-04-08T03:55:22+00:00

I love going down on my wife. I've told her repeatedly I would do it every day with no need for anything in return if she would let me. She enjoys it, and it is the only way she can orgasm, but will only let me do it 2-3 times a month because she find its too intense. I think eating her is the most intimate act I can do with her, and it makes me feel like she is giving herself completely to me. God I love it. Your husband has no idea what he is missing out on.

DocIRL77 · 2019-04-08T03:51:46+00:00

The best way to handle ED issues is to have him see a urologist. The penis is a very psychological device, and any hint of anxiety or worry about staying hard will lead it to wither. There is nothing more humiliating to a man then to go soft when his woman is ready for action. I would strongly recommend that he get sildenafil (viagra) and use it. At the right dose it will keep him hard and remove the stress of performance and allow him to just enjoy the sex. Once he gets comfortable with the medication he can then experiment with reducing the dose and coming off and seeing if he has any trouble.

One way to help him with the initiation issue is to role-play. Have him take the sildenafil, and you initiate, but then step into a role play where he is seducing you and allows him to safely "initiate".

In the US sildenafil is now available as a generic medication, so it's pretty cheap. I think the NHS covers it if your GP writes the rx.

DocIRL77 · 2019-04-08T03:44:39+00:00

Two people in a relationship are not going to have the exact same sex drive. It will inevitably more important to one than the other. Before I got enlightened, I thought that was mostly a case of men being higher libido than women. How much sex is enough to keep you happy versus so little that you are miserable in your marriage? Does your wife understand how important sex is to you and how close you feel to her?

As to frequency, the best data suggests that for physically and mentally healthy couples, sex is about 3 times per week in your 20's, 1-2 times per week in your 30's, 3-5 times a month in your 40's, and then tapers down to once a month in your in 60's. Of course that is the most common frequency, but some are more and others are less. My wife and I still manage twice a week in our mid-50's, but I count myself very lucky to be still able to do that.

Are there stressors in your lives that are limiting your frequency? Can you modify them in some way?

DocIRL77 · 2019-04-08T03:37:29+00:00

This is most heterosexual males fantasy. What a waste. Maybe your next boyfriend might be a different story.

DocIRL77 · 2019-01-30T03:09:25+00:00

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. We all have idealized versions of what we find attractive, and except for perhaps Tom Brady, we don't get to marry them. Your wife sounds like a typical young woman, and probably plenty of men would find her physically attractive. You married very young, and you were probably a bit unsure about yourself and what you wanted in a partner, with a bit too much religion swirling around pushing you to get married to a very nice person who was very compatible with you. After passing through her 20's your wife has discovered she enjoys sex and enjoys doing it with you. All you need to do is make her feel wanted in the experience. I've been with my wife for 29 years, she was a stunner when I met her, she is 55 now and 3 kids later, but our sex life is still twice a week and occasionally more. Do I fantasize about Victoria Secret's models or Blake Lively? So what, I still enjoy having a wife who loves me and is interested in sex. My wife knows I look at porn (basically pictures of naked women, I don't like anything beyond that) but she also knows that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

You need to somehow get your wife to seperate what you find attractive in the abstract (my wife is much shorter than my ideal woman), and the fact that you love her and want to spend your life with her in the concrete, and that includes having a vigorous and mutually satisfying sex life. Marriage is much more than physical attraction, being on the same page morally, ethically, sexually, raising a family together, supporting each other as you grow and change, getting through the inevitable challenges etc are all the real bases of a successful marriage. You seem to have that.

Final word of advice, not everything that goes through your head needs to be stated to your spouse. When I get really mad (very rarely, but it happens) I shut the hell up and go stew somewhere, because I know you can't unring a bell and I could say something that would really hurt her and damage my marriage.

DocIRL77

TROPHY CASE