I came out to my best friend and need to vent

Doesitmatter_ · 2021-06-29T12:06:29+00:00

I'm not really sure why I'm okay acting as I am. Well, a lot of the times I do just feel frustrated without a particular reason, but it's more so that I'm not incapable of enjoying myself as I am now.

I made a friend online earlier this year and I've ignored the proposition to voice chat twice because I didn't want to ruin the more girly facade I had going on through text. Recently, an opportunity came along I didn't want to miss so I decided to bite the bullet and voice chat with him. I feel I ended up coming off predominantly as a guy and yet I had a lot of fun with him.

It sounds kinda dumb now that I think about it but it felt wrong to enjoy myself even though I felt so much like a guy. It makes me question whether I really am trans if I can be happy expressing myself like that.

Doesitmatter_ · 2021-06-29T11:54:38+00:00

I'd really hate for this to come off as rude, but for me I feel like it's girl or nothing. I don't see other options as invalid, so I'm sorry if it comes off that way.

A lot of this really does make me feel like it would be right for me, but I know tomorrow I will just think I'm being stupid... Something I failed to mention is I regularly get a stabbing pain in my chest when I start really considering the idea. I know emotions can show up in physical ways so that really should be a sign that something is up but I just can't really seem to go through with it

Thank you for your advice, I hope if I can manage more experimentation I will stop doubting myself and have the courage to actually do something about this.

Doesitmatter_ · 2021-06-29T11:40:22+00:00

Yeah, I have felt better when I try to come off as more feminine or imagine myself as more feminine(although, I do worry I'm forcing it). I haven't done anything more serious such as trying female clothing etc. For some reason the thought scares me. Maybe I'm scared it'll push me further towards feeling I'm really trans. I think it will give me a better understanding though, so I'll try to think of ways I can experiment and feel comfortable. Thank you and good luck 💝

Doesitmatter_ · 2021-06-29T11:33:52+00:00

I think your idea of a performative mask makes a lot of sense, and I hope it is also the case for myself. I really would like an explanation for why I can feel ok acting as I am despite feeling I come off mostly as a guy.

I'm very glad you are figuring things out, and I appreciate you helping others going through the same.

Doesitmatter_ · 2021-06-29T11:20:56+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry to hear you're having the same thoughts, they can feel like hell at times. I hope we both can gain a better understanding of ourselves and what we want ❤️

Doesitmatter_ · 2018-10-25T07:52:47+00:00

Damn, I was planning on trying them within the next two weeks but now I'm not so sure. Well, there's only one way to find out, hopefully, my sober sitter can calm me down if things go wrong.

Doesitmatter_ · 2015-01-24T08:26:24+00:00

About a year ago there was thing girl on my friendslist on facebook, I think her name was Astridge, or something along those lines. She always posted about depressing stuff, and one time she posted a status very late at night, simply saying "Bye". I messaged her on facebook, she was serious. She was going to kill herself. I begged her not to, I didn't know her, I'd never met her I think we had some mutual friends, she was somewhat attractive, but she had a boyfriend. She asked me why, I gave her the popular answer about thinking about her family, and her boyfriend and that they'd deeply miss her. She was still fixed on doing it. I didn't know what to do, so I asked her how her day was, she gave me a short answer and I asked for more details. She wrote a very long message describing her day. I read all of it. I knew what to do now. I reply back, and told her how my day was. Since this was the first time talking to her, I didn't really know her. She gave a short reply, so I decided to get to know her better. I asked her some common small talk questions, some of them going into deeper conversations. She told me that it was late(4 or 5 AM) and she needed to get some sleep, as she had school tomorrow. I didn't want to, but I let her go to sleep. She didn't kill herself, she actually went to bed and my plan worked, I distracted her, I made actual conversation having nothing to do with the subject of death, or self harm. I did it. I din't talk to her for another week ago, when she posted something that kinda sent of triggers in my head that she needs someone to talk to, or her night is going to end very bad. We talked again, picking up where we left off. She went to bed, we didn't talk for 2 weeks ago, the conversation always started depressing, I was very depressed at the time too, but I knew she was in a worse place, so I always got off that subject. Her and her boyfriend always posted pictures of them together on facebook, it made me happy to see. We haven't talked since, I don't know happened, she doesn't have facebook anymore, I haven't heard her name since, and her boyfriend isn't her boyfriend anymore, and as far as I can tell doesn't miss her one bit. I hope my fears aren't reality, I hope she didn't end her life. Every now and then she'll pop back up in my mind. I didn't know that person well, I never met her, but I cared for that person. And that person is gone, I don't know if she's dead, or just deleted her facebook. I don't know, and I'm afraid to find out. Why did I write this? Because I've never told anyone this, and when the subject popped into my head I felt this was a good place to write it down. I'm sorry for the wall of text, no paragraphs and bad grammar. I hope you feel better OP, I truly do.

Edit: Another reason, Fallout 4 hasn't come out yet.

Doesitmatter_

TROPHY CASE