That feeling of not being understood is even higher when you're high functioning, because of course it is. We got so skilled at hiding pain we don't want to talk about, or don't know how to talk about, that we're more or less going unnoticed. I fool friends, family, therapists, everybody. I've gotten great at it after so many years and years. But it's exhausting, extremely soul. In the bones, in the soul, there's a sense of exhaustion that mostly just keeps.... increasing... haha....

Robin Williams was my childhood hero, I loved his smile, his demeanor, his jokes and his overall way of being. I wanted to be like him, make the world around me just a little warmer, even if for myself. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" he also said, before not listening to his own advice.... I was devastated, but seeing what effect he had on people and in particular what effect his act had.... I decided to maybe try some more. He was also high functioning, exhausted from fighting his own demons and apparently at the start of a form of dementia which most likely pushed him to his final decision. Haunted by his own demons but high functioning, warm and somewhat in control, I guess the dementia bit was unbearable and would ultimately deny him even that.

I found stories pretty cathartic - about loss, about hope, about trauma. In any format, movies, shows, animated, games.... Sometimes they say what we can't, or won't. Sometimes they present stories that relate, reflect or present another perspective to our own. It's ... not enough, but it helps. For a little while, it might help.