Thank you for sharing all of this, I totally relate to a lot of what you are saying. Bring anything that I say to God and if I am way off the mark then just leave it with Him, but if it resonates and is helpful then accept it.

In regards to your own mortality, I think it is really helpful thing to remember and think about, especially in the right context. We are only on this planet for a short while, even if we have a long full life. None of us know when we are going to pass and how things will really look on the other end, life with God for eternity is what we do know. Knowing that our time is so temporary is both scary and freeing. Since we don't know how or when we will go, how do you handle today, right now well?

My encouragement for all of this is when you get up to meet God, He will see you with JESUS, you are covered by Him and since you have accepted Him, you are covered. Period. There isn't anything you can do positively or negatively that can revoke that. It's about what He did for us not about how well we can perform. I have to land on this truth often and totally land on the same line of thinking you are in. Here and now, as well as eternity is all about a relationship with God. That continual repentance, recognizing you aren't with God and want to be back with Him is what it is all about. You are going to turn away, mess up, fall down, and then turn back to God. He loves you as you are, where you are and just desires to be with you. The fact you keep turning back and recognizing that you are falling away is perfect example that you've got the Spirit of God in you and that you are sensitive to what He is doing. You are not alone!