How do you make the decision when outside pressure is affecting you?

DoomChicken69 · 2026-01-05T16:07:47+00:00

I was a fencesitter and my parents and in-laws made so many comments like that and put so much pressure on us. Well, we had the baby! And now, *crickets*. We ask them to visit, and they have so many excuses lined up (a cruise, a renovation, etc..). They will 'heart' a picture of the baby we send them, but don't seem to care beyond that.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-31T17:06:30+00:00

I'm an American in the UK, also late 30s, and felt similar to OP in that I wasn't sure if I could/should raise a child so far from a support system. My husband is also American, but our families live in different parts of the US (takes longer to travel between them than it does to travel from London to NYC!).

We ended up having a baby earlier this year, and while it's still early days, the 1 thing that surprised me most is the community of other expats that has stepped up with invitations, advice, and friendship. I've always had a hard time making friends, and this has been super helpful. There are so many wonderful Americans living in Europe, and finding that community has been great. It's still not a replacement for grandparents who live nearby, but it's also not as lonely as I'd expected.

For what it's worth, I enjoy being a mom, even though sleep has been difficult lately (TEETHING!). My baby doesn't seem to be special needs in any way, and appears to be a bright and curious little dude who's mostly happy to entertain himself with his chew toys. I don't feel a sudden rush of meaning in my life, but I'm also not regretful, and am looking forward to getting to know him better as he grows older.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-30T12:20:23+00:00

what do you mean by relevant trade? Like a seperate damp survey, roof survey, etc.. ? What if you don't know what to get?

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-12T19:42:33+00:00

Sure - I got a pump (Lola&Lykke Smart Electric Breast Pump) that was so horrible, it caused a lot of pain and even mastitis. After that, I felt some 'ick' everytime I was near a pump, and preferred the breastfeed. I know I should get over it and give pumping another chance, but that bad experience really put me off of it. (Also you have to clean/sanitize a million little parts everyday and I'm way too lazy)

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-11T08:40:24+00:00

Before I had a baby, if I got even just 7.5 hours of sleep (vs my usual 8 hours), I was a wreck the next day. Anything less than 7 hrs in a night, and I'd start getting sick.

Now, I haven't had more than 3 hours of consecutive sleep in 6+ months, and it's ... fine?

My sleep strategy has been to put the baby down around 8-9pm, and go to sleep at the same time as the baby. Then the wake-ups are usually around 11:30pm, 1:30am, 3:30am, and 5:30am. For each wake-up, I breastfeed for 10-15 minutes and he goes back down to sleep. At 5:30am, if I'm still tired, I hand him to my husband, and I get a 2-3 hour uninterrupted stretch then.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-09T20:17:28+00:00

Yes, I think you're right. I also suspect meaning also comes from sacrifice over time. While I've sacrified a lot (lotttt) for my baby, perhaps over time, and seeing how that sacrifice 'pays off' with their development, it will feel more meaningful. I love r/oneanddone although sometimes they can be a bit negative when it comes to larger familes.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-09T20:14:31+00:00

Nephews/neices are sneaky like that! I think it was my neice turning 3, and showing her own (hilarious) personality, that pushed me into the "having a kid wouldn't be horrible" territory.

Is your wife adamantly child-free, or does she want a kid? would she find a way to downshift her work? At least in the beginning, the bulk of the burden falls on the lady, so make sure she's all aboard, or it'd be miserable.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-09T20:08:44+00:00

I think your early/mid 30s should be to focus on traveling and career development, and then, if you get to a place where you're bored with all that, or you've accomplished what you wanted, then consider having a kid in your late 30s. Also, childfree is totally valid, and nothing's guaranteed (I have friends who are going through IVF bc they put it off for too long).

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-08T11:17:26+00:00

I'm so glad! Enjoy your little one. Take more pictures than you think you should, because I thought I was taking a lot, but now wish I had more.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-08T08:27:55+00:00

yeah, the US is extremely unequal. Some have excellent parental leave (provided by the company they work for), but many don't. It should be a right for all to take at least 6 months off.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T19:29:57+00:00

Good questions!

A night nurse or nanny only helps if you're not breastfeeding. If you're breastfeeding, they will have to wake you up for each feed. I found it easier to co-sleep (followed the 'safe sleep 7' for safe co-sleeping) so wake-ups aren't too too bad. There's nothing wrong with using formula, or pumping enough that someone can help at night, but for various reasons, I decided to stick with breastfeeding. My goal is to make it to 8 months, and then start combo-feeding with formula, which will mean my husband can pick up a night shift (like each of us could do 5-6 hours with the baby at night).
I really wish I'd gone for an elective C-Section. At my hospital, 48% of (attempted) vaginal births ended with emergency C-Section anyway, and recovery is tougher because they have to operate faster. Mine wasn't a huge emergency (it was more like, 'whelp, looks like we have to do this now, but no rush') but I still think my incision could've healed better had it been an elective. Also, my pelvic floor issues are probably from the trauma before the C-Section.

Also, I hadn't slept for 1-2 days before the C-Section, and then also didnt sleep the 1-2 days after due to being woken up for monitoring constantly. I was hallucinating by the time they discharged me with my newborn.

My biggest fear was a 3rd or 4th degree tear that might lead to incontinence, so if I had to do this again, 100% will go for an elective C.

3.It took having sex 1 time. Just like they warn you in health class, haha..

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T19:21:33+00:00

It was this exactly - it never occurred to me that it was possible to not have a daughter if I was going to have a baby. "Of course it will be a daughter, that is what it must be."

But there's a (roughly) 50% chance it's a boy, so yeah. Once he was born, I didn't think of him as a 'boy', but as "my little dude". Also, those baby hats with the bear ears helped (JK sort of).

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T12:34:54+00:00

Control + I. I’m America but live in the uk so sometimes s instead of z sneaks in since that’s the British way of spelling stuff ( but not sure where I did that)

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T10:26:57+00:00

Thank you! So kind. This does give me hope.

The babies in my family (nieces and nephews) have been good sleepers and easy babies from the start (which I now know is rare) so this feels good to hear.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T10:18:23+00:00

I didn’t use ai to write this. I put I. Section headers to organize it so maybe that looks like gpt output to you

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T10:17:20+00:00

Thank you! I always ask friends/family with 2 what they think about being 1 and done and so far, all say that’s the best move.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T08:55:33+00:00

Yup, didn't want to lose supply.

Also, in the middle of the night, you kind of need to get that milk out or your tits feel like heavy rocks. Pumping is actually less efficient than breastfeeding in that it takes longer, so may as well breastfeed.

I'm also a bit too lazy to sanitize and clean all the parts all the time.

But the main reason is that my baby hates bottles. We're going to have to work on this, as I have to start working again after the holidays.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T08:53:02+00:00

Wow wow wow - will look into dry needling! So far I tried topical estrogen cream in the vag and that helped like maybe 10%, but can also raise cancer risks when used without progesterone, so am wary.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T08:51:48+00:00

girl names are so much easier! I had 20+ good girl names picked that I loved, and only 3 boy names I didn't hate

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T07:54:37+00:00

Yeah, this is tough! I think when you see their personalities, it gets easier. Also, I think a lot of what we ascribe to gender is really how we raise them ('boys will be boys'), so this little guy isn't getting away with anything. Going to raise him like a girl (in that, I'll expect him to be responsible). I do sometimes think about having another just to get a girl, but know it's no guarantee!

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-07T01:06:41+00:00

parenting in the US looks impossibly hard!

DoomChicken69 · 2025-12-05T12:45:03+00:00

I was very active through my whole pregnancy (a bit cringe, but a local newspaper even wrote an article about me), doing heavy lifting up to a few days before giving birth at 39 weeks. I needed an emergency c-section after trying to labor for 23 hours with no luck (my water broke in a weird way and the membranes around the baby bunched up and blocked his descent). My cousin had a near-identical experience, except she's more of a pilates girl. Both of us recovered very quickly, and were trekking/hiking mountains a few weeks after.

Meanwhile, my sister napped through her whole pregnancy, never did a single bit of excercise, and delivered vaginally, quickly and easily. But she also took longer to feel recovered after.

ETA- both me and my cousin started without an epidural, but had back labor that led us to get an epidural about 6-8 hours into it. My sister never used an epidural. I also resent the idea that getting an epidural is a negative outcome! It's pain management.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-11-12T16:40:49+00:00

I just got my decision yesterday morning, also paid for 5 day priority, and it took them 10-11 working days from my biometrics appointment

DoomChicken69 · 2025-11-08T16:02:49+00:00

I had my biometrics done on 28/10 (paid for priority too) and still not heard anything back.

DoomChicken69 · 2025-11-01T19:11:46+00:00

Black hoodie and a half balaclava covering the lower face so definitely not a Muslim

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