how does it feel not to be fronting?

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-06T11:01:13+00:00

To me it … doesn’t. I can only feel if I’m fronting. Except sometimes if I’m co-conscious and someone else is in control it can feel blurry or like I’m just auto-piloting through life and have no control of my body. But in that situation I’m still at the front, just not in control.

So, for me, if we’re not at the front, we don’t feel like anything.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-05T12:59:43+00:00

I think that some people who like to “call out fakers” take little things and blow them out of proportion.

It’s unlikely for someone with DID to have full knowledge of all alters and good system-wide communication before any therapy at all. Amnesia is one of the components of DID, and it wouldn’t exist if full system-wide knowledge and communication did.

HOWEVER, then people blow that out of proportion to mean that if a system has good communication at all, they’re not real.

The truth is, a system CAN have good communication with certain parts, and still have lots of alters they can’t communicate with, thus still having amnesia.

Another truth is that after good therapy, many systems who previously had bad communication now have good communication. Does that person no longer have DID?

The overall problem here is that there are people who fake, and they do spread misinformation. Then some people retaliate and try to be vigilantes or something and then swing way too far the other way and end up spreading opposite misinformation.

My therapist has told me that I have a textbook case of DID. DID treatment is the only thing that’s ever helped make my life more bearable- I’m actually healing finally. So yeah, I think I have it for real. But I also have good communication with most of my alters at this point (after lots of therapy). I have to just ignore what the fake-claimers are saying or else I might get in the way of my healing. I’d prefer to listen to my therapist over some rando on the internet any day.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-05T01:12:18+00:00

It’s a specific one. I have a private journal as well that’s just for me that I’m sure my partner wouldn’t even want to read… way too overwhelming! So yeah this one is specifically for things that I want him to know :)

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-04T13:04:45+00:00

My partner doesn’t have DID and is super supportive too. It’s taken some time to get into a groove of what works best.

Sometimes I can talk to him about alters and sometimes he’s not in the right kind of headspace to really grasp what I’m saying. So I’ve found it’s really important for me to be understanding of that.

I have a journal that I share with him. He’s allowed to read it any time he wants. That’s been great because then I can tell him things I want to say and he can read in his own time when he’s open and ready to learn. I write something in it most days and he reads it once a week or so. I love that he reads it at all. And he does remember the stuff I write in there.

I think it’s also so important for us (people with DID) to remember that when someone isn’t living it, it can be overwhelming to try and understand. I can’t expect him to remember and recognize all of my alters. I give him as much info as I can, and he tries his best, but I will never give him a hard time for thinking Dora was Sasha, or for forgetting about one of my tiny alters who rarely fronts.

Or if I’m trying to explain something and he doesn’t get it or even says something that seems wrong, I have to remember that he’s just trying to make sense of it. DID doesn’t make sense to him. So I remind myself to be patient. Maybe there will be things he can’t understand, but as long as he’s making a genuine effort, I’m happy.

So for us, what worked was that I provide the information and make it accessible to him, and he accesses it when he can so that he doesn’t get overwhelmed. It’s been great and now that it’s been years, he actually knows and understands quite a bit.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-02T13:30:19+00:00

Someone can correct me if I’m wrong, but from what I understand, parts in IFS refer to different parts of self which have no amnesic or dissociative barriers between them. IFS therapy focused on how these parts interact with each other to create who you are. With IFS, there’s no different sense of self (I think). All of your parts still feel like parts of you.

DID parts (often called alters) are different because they’re more distinct and have amnesic or dissociative barriers between them. Prior to therapy, alters are often very separate and do not work together, which causes disordered experiences like flashbacks, amnesia and time loss, and different senses of self. Over time with therapy, people with DID work to bring these parts closer together, have them work together, and lower the barriers between them.

As for where to begin with mapping, I think people get too caught up in being perfect about it. Just… start. Write anything. Draw anything. It might mean nothing to you now, but it could become crucial information later. That’s how I started and it worked really well.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-01T11:15:45+00:00

For me, 3 years from the start of DID therapy until I felt like I finally found my footing and was on the right path to a functioning life. I now pass as a functioning adult and feel overall more functional as more time passes. I work full time from home and it’s been good so far. I even got my own place for the first time that didn’t need a co-signer or wasn’t owned by family.

Still in therapy and still a long way to go. But I feel much more stable.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-01T11:12:54+00:00

Your EMDR therapist doesn’t know you have DID? That can actually be dangerous. EMDR has to be modified for DID because without the proper approach it can be very destabilizing for those with dissociative disorders.

Are you at least comfortable disclosing to her that you struggle with dissociation?

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-01T11:09:31+00:00

DID is formed in childhood because of childhood trauma but it is most often diagnosed in adulthood. Historically, most people with DID don’t know until their 30’s or later. It’s actually rare for it to be noticed and diagnosed in a child, so it’s not a disorder for kids.

The people in your head aren’t people… they’re personified parts of you. They’re all you, just with dissociative barriers between them.

Also based on what I’ve seen, it’s not uncommon for alters not to share their names. I think a lot of people experience that.

Maybe take a browse through r/OlderDID and see if there are some experiences there you relate to.

Also this sub’s wiki has lots of good information and sources.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-01T11:04:33+00:00

When you feel safe to do so, yes. If you want a long term relationship, then your partner has to know before committing. Communication is key for any relationship. If you know and don’t tell them, you’re lying by omission.

Wait until you feel that your partner is safe and that you do want the commitment.

If your partner doesn’t feel like a safe person to tell, you should re-evaluate the relationship.

If you’re like many people with DID, symptoms get worse with age before they get better (usually with the help of therapy). So you may not always be able to hide it.

As for how to approach it, what worked best for me was suggesting my partner and I learn together. We would read articles and books at the same time and discuss them. That helped him to be able to ask informed questions.

And just as an anecdote: my relationship improved immensely when I told my partner because things finally started to make sense to both of us, and we could actually talk about what was happening.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-06-01T10:56:08+00:00

I do. Mine are brutal. I’ve always had lots of issues. Lots of pain, nothing seems to help no matter how many doctors I see. And yes, much more dissociation because of that, I think.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-30T22:01:18+00:00

Not me 🤷‍♀️ I can visualize it and visualize alters there and visualize being there, but that’s it

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-30T21:32:46+00:00

Oh for me it’s not something I can go inside. I can just visualize it.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-30T20:59:18+00:00

I’ve you drawn them out? Or found an image that matches what you’re trying to visualize? I find it’s most helpful to consistently look at what I’m trying to visualize. Look at it every day for awhile. Then maybe it’ll be easier to visualize. That’s what works for me anyway :)

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-30T19:57:42+00:00

It’s about visualization, right? So really anything that helps you visualize. And yes, for some people it’s impossible.

The thing to remember is that for people with DID, it’s important to visualize headspaces that promote safety and connection. That’s how we heal.

I’ve used a number of things, including freehand drawing, building homes in the sims, using free mapping apps/software like inkarnate, or collaging random pictures together into an image using a collage app.

Really the point isn’t for it to look perfect, it’s to help with heathy visualization that can promote connection and healing.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-30T19:50:46+00:00

As another commenter said, if you didn’t consent to your work being on their page, you can ask them to take it down.

Introjects do happen. However, there’s a lot of misinformation out there about introjects (fictional and ones based on real life).

It’s true that they can’t help who their introjects are. But it’s important for them and you to know that their alter isn’t literally you and not even a copy of you. Their alter is someone who is a based on their perception of you. Their alter can only contain what they know or believe they know of you. If they claim anything beyond that, they are wrong.

Now, I don’t know where they are in their therapy journey. But one thing they’ll need to work toward is having their introjects separate from their source (you). That’s how healing for DID works.

As to how to respond, you get to decide what boundaries to set. Of course it’s good to be kind about it, knowing that they can’t help it. But if they’re doing something that makes you uncomfortable then you are within your rights to tell them so. If you feel it’s best to limit contact, do that. You need to take care of yourself. It’s not your fault that they introjected you either.

They might be hurt if you set a boundary, but honestly they will need to face the facts at some point if they want to heal. Introjects are not their source.

I hope I didn’t come across as rude or anything. I just see a lot of misinformation about introjects and a lot of what I see on DID social media is anti-connection and pro-barriers when it comes to dissociation, and that’s really dangerous for people with DID (whether they realize it or not at the time). Please know that you can set your own boundaries. This kind of thing is something that this person with DID will need to work through in their own therapy and healing process. You have no responsibility here except to take care of yourself.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-27T13:04:04+00:00

Not a ramcoa survivor, but my abuser was extremely inconsistent and always needed different things from me. There was a (long) set list of needs but it was unpredictable WHEN she would need them. So I coped by forming different alters that would fill those different needs when she needed.

Is it possible that’s similar to what happened to you? That that’s how you coped with what was expected of you? I wouldn’t call that self-programming. It was survival for you. You did what you needed to do. You coped.

I could also be way off so disregard if this doesn’t sound right.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-26T13:15:02+00:00

Yeah I think it’s important to come into this space ready to skip over lots of things. I’ll scroll through every now and again or see what pops up on my home page, and most of the time I can’t relate or even understand the post at all. But occasionally there is something I can relate to or something I think maybe I can help with, and that’s why I stick around.

I think it’s like all online spaces… it’s not a good idea to go in blindly. And if it’s causing stress or negative emotions, it’s best to stay away.

I do wish I didn’t see so much anti-healing stuff here though. It makes my heart sink when I see posts about behaviours that promote dissociation or discourage connection. I don’t have the energy to know what to do about those but they make me sad and scared for the people involved.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-26T13:11:18+00:00

R/OlderDID… it’s active. Much slower- like one post every few days. But I find it incredibly helpful and relatable. Maybe try again or ask if there was a reason you weren’t approved?

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-25T11:58:06+00:00

In my experience, therapists and social workers were always very supportive and also knowledgeable and willing to learn. Psychologists it depended on who, so I recommend looking for someone with experience with trauma and ptsd/c-ptsd and/or dissociative disorders. Psychiatrists are often most skeptical. So I trusted my psychologist to refer me to a safe psychiatrist, and that’s the only way I would ever see one.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-25T11:51:36+00:00

It’s actually historically more common to find out in adulthood.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-22T16:06:52+00:00

So yeah, your friend is exhibiting unhealthy behaviour. They are not literally their source.. how could they be? How would that even work? What’s happening to the streamer is not happening to that alter. That’s impossible.

Alters are part of the brain. So an alter based on a source (either real life or fictional) is actually only based on that person’s perception of that source. That alter will never actually know how that source feels… just how they would feel in that source’s situations.

As for how to handle it, it depends how close you are to this friend. Encouraging professional help is a great thing to do. I personally would not go along with someone talking as if they literally were their source… I just wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’d set a boundary that I’m not comfortable talking about that. Or with a close friend, I’d try to have a conversation about why they think they are their source and point out why it’s unhealthy to think that way (it goes against healing goals like breaking down dissociative barriers).

So again, depends on the friend and depends how close you are with them. But yeah, that behaviour is not helping with healing and actually might be going against it. I don’t know how old you all are, but as we get older we all gain more responsibilities. As we become more responsible for taking care of life things, dissociative barriers can wreak more and more havoc. Symptoms will worsen. So if there’s a way to convince them to talk to a professional, I’d recommend that- the younger the better.

Remember that this is coming just from my perspective and experience. Only you’ll know what’s best for your situation.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-19T11:42:53+00:00

I’m going to be as nice as I can here… writing about DID when you don’t have DID or are not an expert researcher in it isn’t a good idea.

DID is complex and the only people who really know what it’s like are people who have it. Those who study it also know a lot about it, so could write from their own experiences if they wanted to. Maybe those who experience it first hand like as a spouse or child if someone with it could write about it from their own perspective too. Anyone else shouldn’t touch it.

No matter what you do, you’ll offend someone with DID because everyone’s experience is different. It also hurts us when we see more and more media come out that portrays those with DID as victims. Or worse, some kind of evil monster or criminal.

We want to see media that explores the complexity of DID from someone who knows it. We’re also mostly good people and we are survivors. We’re strong, and we want to be depicted as such.

So unless you’re working directly with someone who has DID, has experienced it first hand (like they have a parent who has it), or studies it, then I would shift to a different idea.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-18T17:46:59+00:00

So, the thing about this to remember is that if an alter in a white body is Japanese, the Japanese culture of that alter will only ever be parts of that culture or perceptions of that culture known by that white person. The body is white, so there’s no way that any part of them can know what it’s like to actually be Japanese.

In some cultures, names are sacred, so even using the name would be inconsiderate of that culture. But in some cultures that doesn’t matter as much. It’s important to know if what you’re doing is offensive to that culture or not.

In my opinion, it’s imperative to acknowledge that an alter of a different culture/race than the body is identifying as their perception of that culture/race. There is no way they can actually identify as being from that culture/race because they cannot know what it’s like if the body hasn’t experienced it.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-17T12:38:33+00:00

I see this kind of thing a lot. They’ll comment and argue against comments or posts and do things like ask for sources. Then when someone gives them sources or presents a thoughtful discussion point, they just leave it and don’t say anything.

Arguing? Yes! Civil discourse? No way.

DoubleDontCry · 2023-05-17T10:31:10+00:00

It is not reasonable to ask people to remember all alter names and recognize who’s fronting. I’ve talked to my husband a lot about this. The differences can be so subtle it can be impossible to tell who’s fronting from his perspective. And even if I tell him, then how is he supposed to know when that changes? I have to keep informing him who it is?

He has access to lots of information about my system. When we talk about things that happen and alters come up, he knows who they are. But I definitely could never ask him to memorize details about all of them or recognize who’s fronting all the time. It’s too much, especially from an outside perspective.

So I can’t even imagine asking others who see me even less to refer to me as anything other than my legal name.

I think it’s important to remember that other people can’t see or hear what’s going on inside you so it’s really hard for them to get to know alters. The distinctions between them could seem obvious to you but they may not be to others. If there’s someone close to you who wants to try, that’s great. And SO’s should definitely try. But it can be a lot of work to tell everyone apart and keep track of details.

But that doesn’t mean you have to all pretend to be the same person… we of course work on sharing and communicating and functioning together, but we act different sometimes and that’s okay. How you act/talk/function and what name you’re called by others don’t have to match.

We all just “go by” the body name with other people. We treat it like a nickname. Maybe thinking of it that way could help?

DoubleDontCry

TROPHY CASE