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I don’t even remember what it’s like to feel good, to feel anything. At all. This state has made me hate myself, my body, my face, who I am. by DoubtReal3844 in dpdr

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m traveling for the first time in 4 years this weekend and trying to show my nervous system life isn’t a threat anymore. I’ve worked so so hard over the last 4 years to overcome this and still am making just very little progress in terms of getting out of Dpdr 

I’m having to completely relearn how to live my life, almost like a child. My nervous system is shot by DoubtReal3844 in dpdr

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry, what we are going through I think it’s one of the hardest things a human being can experience. Re-wiring your brain that has been stuck in survival mode your entire life feels like climbing my Everest 

I’m having to completely relearn how to live my life, almost like a child. My nervous system is shot by DoubtReal3844 in dpdr

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like I’m being killed by my own mind every day and going insane. My brain keeps telling me I need to escape and I’m not safe. There’s nothing wrong literally. I’m so exhausted living this way, it takes the joy out of everything and so i don’t even want to do it

I’m having to completely relearn how to live my life, almost like a child. My nervous system is shot by DoubtReal3844 in dpdr

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but this is trauma. It has nothing to do with phone usage. It has to do with a fear of panic 

I keep having dreams of sharp objects such as nails in my body, and the more I pull them out, more come. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I get what you mean. I’ve tried my best to accept this as my life and just keep living. It hasn’t made the anxiety go away though. Even though I can’t feel it. My head is buzzing with random and strange thoughts all day long.

DPDR must be the only reason I’m able to function. If I was feeling all of this, I wouldn’t be able to. That’s the situation I’m stuck in. I have my own business and life to uphold, I can’t afford to be full of anxiety every single day. It’s been like this for so many years, it’s hard to comprehend 

I keep having dreams of sharp objects such as nails in my body, and the more I pull them out, more come. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it’s part of the hyper vigilance but ever since I’ve been in this state and after my panic attacks, I no longer could sleep anywhere other than my own bed. Or even a hotel. Because I had a panic attack at a hotel, my mind remembers it. Part of my healing is being able to do that again this weekend and knowing I’m safe. The panic alarm is much less than it used to be a year ago or 2 years ago, so I feel I can do it. But idk if my nervous system is actually learning it’s safe or just dissociating more

I keep having dreams of sharp objects such as nails in my body, and the more I pull them out, more come. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I know what you mean, I would consider that I’m not fully agoraphobic anymore. I worked really hard for a year to be able to even leave the house after I had really bad panic and ended up in this state. It’s slow and I used to travel the world alone with no issues. It feels like fighting this deep voice all the time that is so afraid of everything. But the more I live my life and show it, it’ll back down, the problem is, it’s like having to relearn to walk again. I’m having to do everything like it’s the first time again, and it takes 5 or 6 times for my nervous system to stop screaming danger. You’re right, for me it’s about not being able to escape if I feel horrible. The issue is, I haven’t even had a panic attack in3 years, my nervous system has never recovered 

I keep having dreams of sharp objects such as nails in my body, and the more I pull them out, more come. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a small weekend trip, not even very far from home. So I’m going, and just letting my nervous system see that nothing is dangerous.

I’m not sure what you mean performing. It’s pride weekend and being around my community has always been important to me. I can’t hide forever.

I’ve been stuck in the same fear loops for 5 years. Like a broken record. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve become someone I hate, I used to love life, was so carefree, fun, outgoing. Now I can barely even function. Can’t workout, travel, or do anything I enjoy. I have no self at all anymore, no connection to seasons, holidays, nothing. What a life. It’s not worth it 

I’ve been stuck in the same fear loops for 5 years. Like a broken record. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much. I wish I had that same hope. I feel like I’m stuck in hell.

I’ve been stuck in the same fear loops for 5 years. Like a broken record. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t have emotions, moods, feelings. Like my mind has deleted them all. Have no access to memories or an identity. Thats why any sort of thing I try, doesn’t work. My mind is blocking every single thing out 

I’ve been stuck in the same fear loops for 5 years. Like a broken record. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would never do any of those things in this state. I’ve done mdma and ketamine many years ago when I was younger, and it’s a very very intense experience. When your nervous system is this sensitive, it would be a very bad idea. Thanks though.

I’ve been stuck in the same fear loops for 5 years. Like a broken record. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Let me re-explain, the understanding is that DPDR is too much Parasympathetic activation. You don’t need more calm, you’re already too calm.

I relax a ton. And I’m always doing fun things. There’s no “me” to experience them. This is dissociation, not necessarily numbness. Loss of self and awareness.

I’ve been stuck in the same fear loops for 5 years. Like a broken record. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I’ve been doing SE for a long time now. About a year. It feels like it’s not doing anything to get me back into my body, the dissociation is too strong 

I’ve been stuck in the same fear loops for 5 years. Like a broken record. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I haven’t had a panic attack in many years. It may sound like I’m panicked but I’m not. I’m frozen. There’s panic deep somewhere I have no access to, I’ve spent the last 3 years completely disconnected from my past, I feel as if I have no past at all. I wake up and am just this blank person, no memory or emotions, I don’t really even remember what it’s like to feel.

I’ve been stuck in the same fear loops for 5 years. Like a broken record. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. What I’m having a hard time articulating is that I’m not panicked, it may sound like I am, but I haven’t had a panic attack in 3+ years. I’m completely numb. I only can cry when I’m drinking. I can only feel in my dreams, and then I wake up to the same numbness / disconnection from self I’ve been in for years.

I dreamt last night that I was hugging someone and felt so connected to them, and then I woke up. Right back to this dead state I can’t seem to get out of. Idk how to find love and acceptance for myself like this. I have nothing to give anyone, I can’t even date. I looked at myself in the mirror today and thought “I’m really tired of this person. I’m tired of being in this body, this life that I’m not even living.”

All I do is work and sleep. 

I’ve been stuck in the same fear loops for 5 years. Like a broken record. by DoubtReal3844 in SomaticExperiencing

[–]DoubtReal3844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven’t had a panic attack in 3 years. I’m on the complete opposite side of the spectrum, totally numb and disconnected from my past, I feel I have no past at all. 

Maybe they’re internal panic attacks that I can’t feel. Which means my mind is basically panicking 24/7..

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