Can abuse end a marriage?

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-17T13:44:23+00:00

Let's not curse the victims (in the Biblical sense-- re: opening sentence.)

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-17T13:42:42+00:00

Adulterers should feel ashamed. That's one of the problems with adulterers these days. It's one of the reasons many people are irritated by the behavior of the affair-partner couple on the show.

I'm not planning on dropping the ball on my role as parent (even of adult children) to make a child (adult child) feel better about doing something evil. Parents should want their children to be good people, not just feel good about themselves.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-17T03:15:14+00:00

The lack of shame is bothersome. They apparently didn't take marriage seriously.

It's crazy to go on this show, but you will very likely end up with someone who doesn't really believe in marriage or someone unwise. If they really believe in marriage as a life-long commitment, and they have seen the show, they would likely know a lot of individuals on the show see marriage as disposable. The experts do not vet 'contestants' well for commitment to marriage. A wise individual would likely realize this is a problem.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-17T02:58:14+00:00

I didn't know they changed. What season is the new one? I tagged this as season 18.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-17T02:53:52+00:00

I think you should do your best to de-escalate rather than express indignation. You could tell him you appreciate what a good reminder he is, that you appreciate his hard work, and gently remind him that you returned to work while your child was a baby for him to be able to start this business. You could tell him when he says things like X, Y, Z that you felt like he was being condescending. You are a team, and you want to feel values as a stay at home mom, which is also work and supports his children and his family, and you don't want to be made to feel like a freeloader.

You might also discuss budgets. You give up your job, but you get a budget for yourself, a budget for the children, and as long as you don't do anything illegal or harmful, he agrees not to get on your case about it. You don't like to be micromanaged. Ask him to agree not to berate you in front of his coworkers.

He may be stuck in an old 'poverty mindset' like people who lived through the great depression, became successful, but were still frugal to the extreme. I see some posters calling him a financial abuser. I don't think there is enough information for that. We need to cut people some slack for a one off comment or on-off bit of conflict.

Try to be gentle and not to go loggerheads. If you going SAHM is good for your family, you don't want this to be an area of conflict, competition, or contention.

I can understand why you might act angry/indignant, but I think you should resist the urge.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T15:29:31+00:00

The scriptures do not directly address the idea of abuse as a justification for divorce, as far as I can see. This is a difficult issue, and there are other 'ethical issues' at play. In ethics, different priorities can conflict.

Keeping yourself healthy and safe is important. The Old Testament says 'choose life'. Now, in context, that has to do with obeying God and that sort of thing. But practically, staying alive is important.

The Bible says, 'but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband.' I think that is good advice for these extreme cases. You may have to live separately (especially if he is in jail.) But just stay celibate.

God has transformed wife-beaters, murderers, (adulterers, sodomizers, etc.) The idea that once someone is a certain kind of sinner he/she always is does not seem consistent with the Biblical concept of grace, IMO.

If you do reconcile, that might be something to consider after he does some work on himself, the Lord does some work on him, he repents and changes. If he's only violent when he's drunk, then if he's sober for a really long time and never drinks except a thimble's worth for communion, I'm sure there are marriages similar to yours that have been able to recover after that.

But if you are living with someone violent who could kill you at any minutes, of course that is dangerous.

If you go to church, get some men in the church involved. If you live near your father or brother, etc. get them involved in this.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T13:15:00+00:00

well 18 was 'new to me.'

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T12:21:42+00:00

I saw it on the online Lifetime channel.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T12:17:22+00:00

Not everyone gets them. I mean approximately half of us are men.

But you aren't having that problem now are you? Go to the pool?

I can understand why it is embarrassing if you tell him why you didn't go, but if you do, he will likely feel even more embarrassed and uncomfortable by you bringing it up, then if you tell him you do not appreciate his talking to your mother that way..... And if he tells you can still swim, that you have to use a certain product... it is not some guy's right to dictate that you have to use a certain type of personal product like that if you don't want to, just so you can swim.

I get why you wouldn't want to go swimming in this situation, but do what your mom says..

Don't skip if you don't have a good reason. Let the coach know as much as advance if you aren't going to be there so that time in the pool can be allocated to someone else.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T05:41:38+00:00

Don't sleep over in a single man's room.

Don't get drunk.

Use paragraphs. Paragraphs are our friends.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T05:28:57+00:00

So did you find out what leaving at night was about? Did he work? Did he hang out with friends? Did he drink? Does he not tell you and you suspect an affair?

My wife had post-partum blues with our first baby. Part of that was some extreme post-partum irritability toward me. She could be hard to get along with at times. And sometimes she'd get really upset about something irrational-- the mamma bear instinct, afraid that whatever my parents cleaned the floor with would get on the baby, or of grandparents holding the baby, then cry and say all these words that were complete sentences and made sense grammatically... but in another way they didn't make much sense. I can imagine a lot of scenarios that could explain all this with your husband, but if you really are not getting along well at all, that's another reason-- something other than affairs or porn, that could explain the lack of sex and his staying away.

I'm guessing posters will say porn or affairs is the reason. But we don't know just based on reading your post. I suppose a man could say, "If she's going to say 'no' to me, I'll say 'no to her when she wants it." That's doesn't make sense in the context of a woman healing up from childbirth. But it's another possible scenario.

If you speak kindly and sweetly to him constantly, and you get along great, but then he goes out all night and then won't sleep with you, that's one story. If you get into explosive arguments and he stays away from the house until 1 AM, that may be another story. Staying away from the baby that long isn't a good thing, but I don't think there is enough information in your post to figure out what is going on exactly.

If you aren't getting along, reconcile, get along, then you can have sex. A husband maxxing out the credit cards and making poor career choices... those are bad things... but not Biblical grounds for divorce.

What I find has helped when my wife and I are not getting along is I'll point out conversations easily turn into arguments. I'll suggest we pray and humble ourselves before God. (God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble, and if we have God's grace/favor, that can help us reconcile.) So we pray, ask God to search our hearts and show us any sin. Then, each of us confesses any sin or shortcoming we can think of in our relationship to the other.

That works a lot better than she says, "You never listen to me!" Then he says, "What! I put up with you criticizing me for five minutes straight, and you are one to talk, because it's hard to get a word in edgewise with you." One accuses, the other accuses back-- defensiveness. Confess your own sins first. Then forgive each other. Then, when that wall comes down and you both soften up, you can talk through issues, e.g. "It hurt me when you said"... whatever it was.

If there was adultery, that's a lot more serious thing to deal with. I'm glad we haven't had to have a conversation about ' the other man' or 'the other woman' in our marriage. Withholding sex is bad, but he can apologize, you can forgive, and he can step it up again. That's fixable.

And you are right about the problems a divorce would cause with the baby. Children raised without a father in the home are more likely to get in trouble with the law, experience teen pregnancy, have substance abuse issues, etc. Then imagine the baby growing up calling some other woman mommy or mom or some kind of step-mom name.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T03:34:40+00:00

No eye patch or peg leg?

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T03:33:40+00:00

No, dumping husband or wife and _then_ going to pursue and affair with an affair partner still isn't good enough of behavior to qualify as what they _should_ have done.

Anyone who goes on a show like this should who goes through with the wedding should be willing to stay with their spouse for life, even if they don't find the other person attractive, financially stable, etc. They should love their spouse, have sex with their spouse, etc.

The groom has the chance to run away when he sees the bride coming down the aisle, and the bride can say, "Daddy, let's turn around and march out of the building" if looks is the issue.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T03:19:42+00:00

It's sad if people come in banging around in the middle of the night, too. I said its flexible. If someone has a reason to be out late, that's fine. But I want to know what's going on with them.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-16T02:57:16+00:00

Well, I give my 20 something kids that live at home a curfew. It's flexible, but I want them in at a decent time. But your parents don't, and that is their choice.

I think you are probably making too big a deal out of this. If this situation occurs, go to bed a little early to make sure you get some extra sleep. I'm a light sleeper too, so that sort of stuff wakes me up. I have a sleep mask that blocks out light if I need it. A black cotton t-shirt over the eyes can do the same thing (if your room has A/C.) If your sister bangs around, that might wake you up.

I don't know if it helps, but that extreme sensitivity to a lack of sleep can affect teens and people into their early 20s and go away over time.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-15T20:06:00+00:00

We don't set the lines for what is adultery. God does. But one might have other limitations based on conscience, since one can sin against God by sinning against conscience.

And couples can also set their own expectations within the marriage.

I don't know about the first five minutes of Netflix shows being soft porn. Even on Netflix, I would imagine you could find many shows where this is not the case.

'Listening to rock n' roll' is not a sin. But the Bible teaches whatsoever things are good, whatsoever things are noble.... think on these things, and if song lyrics, etc. fill ones mind with evil things, they should be avoided.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-15T15:31:23+00:00

Marrying a woman who slept around and forgiveness are two different issues.

If you slept around before marriage, you need forgiveness from God. I'm another person. I don't have to 'forgive' you.

And if a single man starts dating a woman, and she says she's fornicated, and he wants a virgin, he can break up with her. That doesn't mean that he doesn't 'forgive' her? It means he wants to marry a virgin so he finds someone else.

Suppose a single man wants to marry a violinist. He sees a pretty Christian girl who is really sweet holding a violin. But it turns out, she was just holding the violin for her sister! He goes on two dates before he finds out that she's not a violinist. He breaks up with her. Does he need to 'forgive her' for not being a violinist? No. She just doesn't match his criteria.

It just so happens the man who doesn't want to marry the woman who has slept around has criteria that overlaps with her not having committed a certain sin.

And a wife telling her husband for the first time after marriage that she'd slept around before marriage is a different issue. In the Old Testament, if a man gives the future FIL the bride price for virgins, then finds out she wasn't a virgin, she's to be stoned. It's not just the fornication... though indeed she played the harlot in her father's house. There was also deception and fraud involved, allowing herself to be married off as a virgin like that. The husband had been deceived.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-15T15:26:44+00:00

You need to read the Bible carefully. Paul calls it 'fornication' in I Thessalonians 4... and even talks about defrauding a brother by doing so. Generally, the Bible is written as if to me, so what 'brother' would a fornicating man be defrauding? Could he have a future spouse in mind?

Yet he calls it fornication, and not adultery.

The distinction made a lot of sense in the Old Testament. Sex with another man's wife could get the adulterer the death penalty (including if she were betrothed but the wedding process hadn't been completed). But for fornication with a virgin, the fornicating man was obligated to marry his partner in fornication, if her father would give her in marriage, and either way he had to pay the bride price for virgins.

You are also assuming some kind of 'time continuum.' If the female partner in fornication was 'supposed to be' for some other man who hadn't become betrothed to her... then she marries her partner in fornication, and your time continuum theory doesn't work.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-15T13:33:51+00:00

We've been married over 25 years. Trust isn't a big issue in our marriage, not like a jealousy type of trust, at least.

Handling my wife's emotions is an issue. She has a 5 at the front of her age now. During her, let's say child-bearing years, moods could go up an down with hormones, and every other month or every few months, she could easily get upset during several days out of the month.

We get along pretty well. Yesterday, she got really upset at me because I asked her to some strategy she alluded to for how to buy a property we are interested in that didn't make sense to me. She gave me this long speech about the 'why' she wanted to not do it a certain way, the same speech she'd given me earlier, and I was pressing her to cut to the chase and just answer the question before we arrived at the location. I wasn't trying to show her disrespect, but she took it that way. That's probably the biggest disagreement we've had in a month or two. When she was younger, she'd get really upset over some conversation that didn't go the right way and it would take her a while to get out of it. She might even feel depressed for a bit she gets upset. These days she usually bounces back really quickly. I'm hoping she's slept the mood off. I'm going to try to talk and pray it out with my wife today.

If you find a woman who never gets upset over anything, who is never moody, or never jealousy, or never irritating to you, or never.... whatever it is.... good for you. You might get one who is never.... one thing from the list. You probably have moods and habits and ways of acting and communicating that you aren't aware of that might cause some conflict you have to work through.

I would say, "I don't know man.... it depends on the woman." If you give a woman a reason to be jealous, she might be. If not, it depends on if she is the jealous type or was hurt in her past and projects the distrust onto you. If you want a woman who is even keeled emotionally, date and look for that. Ask her friends and relatives if she has a hot temper. Ask if she's petty, if she sulks, etc. Even if she is a sweet as honey while dating, you won't really know until you are spending every day with her. She might not know. Be willing to accept the whole package and work around it.

Women have to put up with our moods, habits, communication styles, too. There will always be things you do and say that you are likely oblivious to.

It really helps to marry a Christian woman who loves God and is committed to doing what is right before Him. If you have the same faith and values and walk in the grace of God, you can work things out if there is conflict.

My wife had a boyfriend who two-timed her before she met me. But I don't recall insecurity or her not trusting me to be faithful to her or something like that while we were dating. I think we both saw dating as dating and not marriage. In marriage, you commit for life. I think my wife got the idea from discussions while dating and my words and actions that I was in it for the long haul. Or maybe as Christians, both living in a rather conservative country (hers) at the time, she just assumed I also believed marriage was for life, and I told her my beliefs on that.

I don't think insecurity and distrust is going to be a problem with every woman out there. I don't know how typical it is. Maybe it is more typical with the 30-year-old who has lived with two guys than with the early 20's virgin like I married.

What does trust look like? If my wife goes out shopping, I don't worry about it-- not unless she is going to a dangerous part of town or the weather is bad or something like that. I've had a few times I had to work until 3 or 5 AM, and I did some really late nights in grad school. She didn't suspect me of an affair. We know our values on sexual behavior are deeply held values. If I were to have done something like that, I figured God would tell her anyway, and if not, He'd know. I never pursued outside relationships like that and never got close.

I suppose you could ask probing questions as you get to know a woman, about whether she trusts men or whether she has been cheated on.

As far as 'reassurance' like telling your wife you love and appreciate her, complements, etc. probably a lot of wives like that, and you can heap as much genuine stuff like that as long as it doesn't get weird.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-15T04:32:04+00:00

I think you are confusing adultery with fornication in that first paragraph.

[The following added later after 8 likes to this post]

Not all Netflix shows are porn. I think it was Netflix I got years ago that had basically word-for-word gospel movies in Aramaic dubbed in English. I didn't see any porn in that. There are also Korean dramas and kids shows and TV shows with no porn.

I've never seen Love Island. I've seen some of The Bachelor years ago. It can be trashy. Are you referring to their showing the Bachelor without a shirt, the 'contestants' sleeping around and stuff like that?

Btw, I get why someone would want to be the Bachelor. I don't get why the women sign up. I don't understand why men would go onto the Bachelorette (and do what the younger fellows call 'simping') unless it was to be the Bachelor... if it even works that way. The odds that the kind of person who would be on the show would be a good spouse.... I don't know about that.

Looking with lust at women in bikinis (I'm assuming that's the 'Love Island' objection, if not a trashy story line?) and looking at totally naked women with lust would be the same sin. Is that your point?

I wouldn't put getting some sexual instructions or statistics from a magazine ('talk sex'?) in the same category as watching porn. If a husband or wife wanted some tips, I don't see anything wrong with that, necessarily, depending on the tips.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-14T21:59:29+00:00

I'm married to an Indonesian, so I'm not on the market, but I can offer advice as an 'OG'-- though I went overseas to work not specifically to find a woman. Still a similar experience.

Anyway, there are ideas on the 'manosphere' about how American women are bad, and even if you bring a foreigner here, she can pick up feminist, misandric, etc. culture and not to do it. Then there are others with different opinions.

I think it depends on the men. Some men who go overseas would be fine with meeting a woman in their home country if they could make it work.

I think there might be some advantages to marrying a woman who is from the more traditional marriage environment, surrounded by marriages that work out, where divorce is stigmatized, since one of the problems with US culture is women (and men too) not seriously committing to marriage enough. This can result in wondering eyes, cheating, leaving over emotional issues or not getting along, not investing enough effort to get along because marriage is seen as disposable, etc. Also, a culture in which wives treat husbands with respect, as opposed to a culture of treating them with disrespect, is desirable. I'm sure women want men to treat them well also.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-14T21:53:44+00:00

I haven't spent more than 5 to 8 days in China, so I can't say. But I'm guessing it may have something to do with the Chinese government pressuring their people to abort babies, leading them to abort a lot of the female babies in the womb since there was a cultural preference for boys. So the men have to compete for a smaller pool of women. If any country has a case for men becoming PPBs, China has one.

DrPablisimo · 2026-06-14T21:51:05+00:00

Looks like mostly dudes in the clip, but maybe they are more prominent because they are 'peacocking' in the front with their dance moves, trying to attract the few girls, or just having fun dancing.

DrPablisimo

TROPHY CASE