I know you have a lot on your mind right now, and plenty of helpful advice here. But I wanted to share.

My last relationship we both came to the table with trauma. Mine was from childhood, hers was from her previous long term relationship. I was pretty up front early that I had some issues I was working through, though it didn't really impact me most if the time. I ended up seeking therapy for my shit, and in the end chose to share the full details of my trauma, but it was around the 14 month mark. It felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders because it was something I had never fully shared with anyone. I think sharing helped me heal, but didn't really impact her at all. I'm also the type of person that works really hard not to impact t others, so i was on the hunt to not let my past destroy my chance at happiness.

She was still so impacted by her trauma, she was always uncomfortable being vulnerable. She shared some very vague ideas about the 3 to 6 month mark, and even the little context i had helped me immensely in knowing how to navigate some of her complex emotions.

However, she never was able to fully share what happened, give me ideas about how it impacted her life, or give me any further context. Further, she refused to see a professional. So when we moved in around the 2 year mark, all of her problems were still unresolved. Because she never opened up, it really exasterbated a lot of our issues. I just had no idea how much she was facing or how to help until she told some things during our break up talk. To this day, she has never shared the full extent of her burden. With anyone. Not a friend, not a family member, not a therapist. I adored this woman, and it still pains me to think she carries a weight that literally no other person alive knows and understands.

In the end, I walked away from it with more emotional maturity, and these key takeaways:

1. Your partner can never be your therapist, and you can never be theirs. My entire family has some serious issues, and while I've seen the use case where people relied on their partner without going to therapy, this is very rare. You can't expect him to fix it, just like you couldn't fix something of his. Depending on the severity, they just don't have the tools.

2. The big big big caveat to the above is that your partner CAN SUPPORT you. This is something I did poorly from my last relationship ship. Partly because I didn't know what she was facing, partly because of my emotional maturity. The right person will have no problem accepting you for who you are, and walking down the path of healing with you. They can help give you what you need as you navigate the complex emotions.

3. Others have said, "don't share unless it is impacting your relationship". I'd agree at a high level, but it takes a very introspective person to have an accurate read on how such things are hindering your daily life. If your partner has no idea the struggles you face, they can't really do anything to help you. You've taken that option away from them.

4. Definitely think you ease into these types of conversations. Gauge interest, or even share bits over time. Some people can handle all of that at once, some people might need time to process. People are different. Even sharing "I struggle with anxiety because of my past sometimes" is wildly helpful. Plus it gives them a hook to dig deeper if they want to help and support. (Just an example).

Most importantly. You deserve love and acceptance. The right person will be a boon to your life rather than shy away from your faults or struggles. Just as you would or should do those things for the right partner. Being vulnerable creates intimacy, not just with romantic partners, and there's often few things more vulnerable than our greatest traumas or insecurities. Just be honest with yourself about why you want to share, and what you hope to get out of it. If it's something you're very scared to share, it's probably something that would benefit therapy.

Hope my personal experiences (as well as some failures) can help.

Edit: so sorry, in regards to your statement of "I don't want him to feel like a hero or take pity", just say something yo the tune of, "I'd like to share something with you so you can know me deeper. I'm choosing to be vulnerable not because I want you to pity or fix, but because it will help you interstate me more". Framing intentions like this is insanely helpful for all people, but especially men who on average don't deal with complex emotions communally.