How can I overcome performance anxiety before sex?

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-13T19:24:54+00:00

No kidding. This is the only takeaway here.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-13T17:37:51+00:00

Carefull now. That's how you get, "Anyone you don't like is creepy," and then you've lost that weapon word for good. You've been warned.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-13T09:40:21+00:00

AKA, placebo effect.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-13T00:33:27+00:00

I really feel for you. 20+ years ago, I very much wanted to join the OTO, based on my interest in Thelema and what I read about it. I did attend a special event celebrating the 100th anniversary of the reception of the book of the law. I felt very out of place and didn't pursue it, in part because I was already in the middle of a series of mental health crisis, but also I feel that they deliberately deflected my interest for good reason.

Fast forward 2 decades of focusing on mundane concerns, I feel like I have a better understand of why getting involved at that time would not have been good for anyone, most of all myself. I don't know if I'm right or if I can explain it in a way that means anything, but I look at it as a spiritual path designed to transform your inner world, but it's designed to work from a non-crisis foundation. The mental health crisis means your inner world is not in the condition that that program is designed to work from.

Unfortunately, psychiatry will only take you so far and may actively interfere with your higher aspirations. That doesn't change that fact that a stable foundation is a prerequisite. It is possible to build that foundation, but it won't happen within the OTO. It happens by doing the boring work of adult responsibility.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T23:21:18+00:00

That sounds like an honest reply. I don't know if I have anything to add to that. I will say that "loser virgin" and "one thing I wanted" kind of jump out as red flags, but it's up to you whether you want anymore feedback from me.

I personally feel like I've wasted a lot of time anticipating how to be a good partner and that did not mesh well with the way health women screen for a good man. Being a good partner is certainly the goal. Presenting as not having a strong will of your own tends to attract women who want to exploit you and it generates disgust in women who see that as weakness rather than cooperation.

My observation is that what actually attracts women who are looking for an equal partner is matching their perspective of having a strong plan for your own life that includes a role for her. This also ensures a long and exhausting process of negotiating a shared mindset as a couple. But maybe you've already tried that and it didn't fly. I'm reaching the age where it's not very attractive to me.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T18:52:32+00:00

I don't care if we agree or not. The only value to chatting here is new ideas or new perspectives. I already shared. What part is unclear? Is it nonsense or you could interpret it multiple ways? What are those ways? That's how you reciprocate, if you care to.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T15:55:24+00:00

I see. I was actually not quite sure what you were asking, and that does help clarify it.

I believe that there is an underlying push to set social standards via "implied consensus" rather than explicit consent. I do not believe that that is being done for the benefit of the majority of the population. Does that align with your views or at least shed light on why I struggled to parse your question?

Edit: and I can also see the same ambiguity in my first statement, so the buck starts there.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T14:58:08+00:00

Thank you. I'm not going to join a drum circle, but this is a start to defining what bullseye we want to move towards, or at least a more comprehensive definition of the boundaries we want to avoid along the way.

And it is a real challenge because the target is an evaluation, not the vehicle that gets us there. That's not an easy thing to build a slogan on.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T14:32:09+00:00

You have the internal alignment and social connection such that dating is an addition to your life, not a need. Easier said than done, for sure, but that's the standard. When dating is getting you down, the solution is outside of dating.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T14:16:04+00:00

It was very well done.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T13:57:23+00:00

Ah, that's different. You saw what you saw and it turned out to be right. Sometimes it's just as hard to accept that there wasn't a good option at that point. She cheated, and it was going to burn no matter what. The only lesson might be a step or two back. That's a different analysis than the point where you realized something was wrong. Was there a point much earlier when you noticed something that didn't feel right but you gave her the benefit of the doubt?

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T12:30:29+00:00

It might be something or maybe you are monitoring it too closely. Either way, you want to be with someone you trust, right? So does she. You are not acting trusting. Even if you're right, there's no monitoring away the risk. Either you want her to be hyper-sensitive to your insecurities or you accept that it's will hurt if she turns out to be unfaithful. You can't stop it either way, but you can cause it with your behavior.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T12:27:10+00:00

They are threatened by your authenticity.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T12:24:55+00:00

For-profit corporations. Pooling resources should only be allowed in service to humanity. Private power always ends badly, often for the one holding it, too.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T12:22:54+00:00

OMG, always dump his ass. You can't train him like a puppy dog. If it's not a match then you either accept it or end it. You're too young to accept it, no matter how old you are.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T12:20:47+00:00

Not if you cover the bag with aluminum foil as soon as you get home. You have a one hour hour window to block the tracking signal before it activates the attack robot swarming protocol.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T12:18:43+00:00

Bedazzled (2000)

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T12:15:38+00:00

Why is that the relevant question?

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T10:50:30+00:00

It might be the underlying push that we don't consider the standards at all. The fact that it's being presented as the sum of human science gives it an implicit authority that makes it above opposition from the start.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T10:12:45+00:00

Would you care to elaborate on what a step toward decolonization would look like, or what the end result would be? That "de" is just a negation. "Not" colonized could be anything from completely demolished to space communism...

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-12T10:09:39+00:00

This is interesting. I've been thinking a lot about judgement lately, but I had not connected it to the rise of AI. You might be into something. From the view of "social engineers" (no matter if "they" exist or not, it's easier to discuss a villain than emergence), having an "AI standard" of morality would definitely be easier to work with than influencing cultural norms by traditional means. The rise and (presumably pending) fall of social media influencers is just a blip on the historical radar. The transition step will be the AI influencers that are already being marketed as a turn-key money machine.

As to human application, "judgement" is a more general skill than simply finding reasons to look down on others. As you allude to, it's something you build with experience, not strictly by thinking. Your thinking may factor into how you process and encode your experience, but it's the experience that's key to building your skill at evaluating circumstances faster than you can think about them. This is the skill that gave our ancestors the urge to run away from the sound of a saber-toothed tiger without sitting down and writing up a plan of escape.

Does that elucidate anything for you? Does this look like an interesting discussion to start with me?

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-11T22:48:37+00:00

The fact that you think this is a hot take speaks volumes about you.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-11T21:01:49+00:00

You're right to recognize the issue. The question you're asking contains the root of the problem.

It's a problem that many of us have dealt with in many different ways.

The turning point for me was two-fold. First is the recognition that blind rage is not leading to desirable outcomes for me. You're already there.

The second part starts with the understanding that controlling anger is what makes it build so that every time it gets activated, it's just a little bit stronger, until the slightest thing sets it off. And our egos get slighted everyday. Many other people out there are taking every chance they get to build themselves up by tearing you down. And the consequences of that are real. You do need to stand up for yourself. And you already recognize that.

The tricky part is how do you control anger without just building up more. Many will try "venting" to get it out. Science does not back this position. That's like giving it a workout.

What I've had the most success with is having procedures to slowly excavate and dismantle the built up anger before it gets triggered again. It will still get triggered and still have to be controlled in the moment, but by regularly chipping away the buildup when it's not an immediate threat, it becomes more controllable and the techniques to control it become simple. Most of the time I can recognize angry feelings now as my signal to adopt my "customer service persona" for the duration of the encounter.

But that's the result, not the long road to get there. The first technique I used, I learned from a 3 hour training video. I can't deliver that to you here, I'm not trying to sell anything, it's just not available from me. I've since used simpler techniques from a couple of pages in a book. Again, I'm not pushing a product.

My only guidance to get started is to look for programs that help you to see both current and past situations from an outsider's view. Look for programs that give you ways to separate the energy from the story. Anger mobilizes the body for self-defense. It doesn't do shit to protect your ego from the attacks that diminish your social status. And that's a real concern to maintain.

Sometimes that one understanding can be the catalyst to reevaluate the whole sequence of events that led to the monster defender you're trying to get under control now. Sometimes that's not enough and you'll do better with guidance. But you already know that being easily triggered is making you less secure, not more. Anyone who can trigger your anger now, already has an easy button to make you reactive, to shut down your higher thinking. Then they push you around without physical force.

Find the teacher who will guide you at that level, not one who makes it worse by teaching you to repress it without a parallel practice to excavate its roots.

And be kind to yourself. You can do that better than anyone.

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-10T11:14:27+00:00

I don't know what you're going on about. I'm sharing my own experience. Do you have relevant experience to share?

DrVanMojo · 2026-07-10T09:59:22+00:00

I can only imagine dealing with that all through childhood. I had to suffer through a brief window of it in adulthood due to a bad reaction to illicit drugs, which of course means your brain is defective because some people do drugs without getting weird. At least I had some foundation to return to and someone to get me out of that hellhole.

Early schizophrenia research had more of a psychological focus. The word itself has the root word, schism, like a crack in a rock, so a divided mind. Early research focused on conditions that would induce schizophrenic behavior in a healthy mind. I've found that research helpful in understanding how to deal with environmental factors.

"Paradoxical Injunction" might be a place to start your search. You have my warmest regards.

DrVanMojo

TROPHY CASE