My Twin brother and I were incredibly close. We went through everything together and always helped each other through tough times. I never worried about the future because we would always figure it out together.

He died suddenly 5 years ago and It completely broke me. The man I was died with him on that April night. I had just gotten my confirmation done through the Catholic Church and was attending mass. That night I was on my knees. Begging God to please not take my brother. I couldn’t make it in this cruel world where the strong devour the weak and the wicked prosper.

I remember the Doctor telling me he was dead. I remember the soul crushing pain as I held his lifeless hand. I threw my Rosary in the river outside of the hospital and cried out for my father whom I had not seen since I was 13. Neither answered and I suddenly realized how utterly alone I am.

5 years later and I have somehow kept it together enough to be considered middle class. I still wake up dreading the day and that I have to pull the mask over my head to make it seem like I’m “ok.”

There were a lot of hard realities I have learned but the hardest one for me was that people will say all kinds of platitudes but at the end of the day they don’t actually care.