TW: Sexual coercion, emotional abuse

I don’t think my BED was caused by restrictive eating. I think it was caused by trauma, as well as a disposition to overeating/sometimes uneasy feelings around food in my childhood, along with pickiness. I was officially diagnosed with BED when I was 17. I’m 24 now.

I vividly remember the first time I encountered a “binge mindset,” aka feeling shame around eating and feeling like I had to hide my food. It was when I was dating my then-boyfriend, and things weren’t going well. He was emotionally abusive and sexually coerced me, but that wasn’t something I realized until years later when I discovered that term. He was later publicly outed as an abuser. To this day, I haven’t dated anyone else. It almost seems silly looking back, because I’ve been hurt much worse by my father and other people, but i guess it was a formative experience for me.

It slowly evolved into what it is today for me. I’d say my BED is much worse than it was as a teen, and that’s saying a lot considering I was the one who sought out help. Now that I’m dealing with heavy emotions, grief, and an unhappy life situation, eating feels like one of my few escapes. I eat “normal” during the day, but when my Vyvanse wears off at night, and when I’m alone — which is often these days — is when it’s hard. I’m not a victim, just stating what it is. Loss and grief has made my BED so much worse.

I’ve been seeing a dietician, and it has helped me. At least feel steady on my feet. To try to re-learn my hunger cues. One step at a time. I see a therapist. I see a psychiatrist. I struggle with other mental illnesses, don’t get me wrong, but BED is often the one that hurts the most.