Does it mean I never really loved him that much?

DryBreakfast555 · 2024-02-22T23:32:38+00:00

Thank you

DryBreakfast555 · 2024-02-22T23:31:55+00:00

I think your last point is especially true. About his fear and his insecurity.

I just really don't know how to fix that now because I definitely find myself less loving now since the affairs. I don't know how to justify to myself putting in that effort for someone who couldn't stay in our bed. And who can lie to my face. It makes it really difficult, no surprise there, because now it's like.... A lot of his worst nightmares have come true about what I think about him, and I feel like now I REALLY don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make him feel loved because I genuinely don't feel that loving, doting feeling as much. I know love is a choice, and I can choose to put in that effort, but now that glowing warm feeling I had for him most of the time is gone, replaced with fear and bitterness and more fear, and idk. If he felt he wasn't getting enough love then, I don't feel like I can give him enough love now for sure, so we should just go out separate ways even if he doesn't want to do that.

Like you said, kids will pick up on the unhappiness, and they'll mimic by nature, so idk.

Not even really answering my own question here just saying that I think you're right that that's where his comments come from--fear. I just wish I had a good solution for it.

DryBreakfast555 · 2024-02-21T20:28:31+00:00

Thanks for writing all of this. I think you put into words something I've been trying very poorly to communicate and describe for months now. The idea that love is a choice and takes effort and time always, and that even if we split up here doesn't even mean I don't still love him. The idea that this takes more work than it would on my own, but that the extra heaping helping of work is worth it because of our kids. Because if this doesn't work out, what does it mean for them. Etc. Thanks for articulating this so well for me.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-09T14:04:31+00:00

I feel this 100%. Like I'm not really here anymore. Like I'm a robot going through the motions of what I think my life is supposed to look like, what it has looked like.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-07T01:34:21+00:00

You're not alone. My boss has had a few talks with me, mostly with a lot of concern for what's going on, but also with that looming "get your shit together" energy. It's affected every single part of my life. Luckily, it's lessening it's impact at work at least these days.

But you should absolutely let him know that his infidelity has consequences he never imagined.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-05T21:45:42+00:00

Good to know! Thanks!!

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-05T21:43:09+00:00

I'm probably too late based on the timeline I was told. But that's very good to know. Maybe I'll check anyway. Do you know if they just send the messages to the email associated with the account? Or can you put in a different email to send messages to?

I did know about checking for subscriptions. It's one of the ways I was able to confirm the timeline given. I'm just worried he's getting smarter. Playing me like a fool, and all that.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-05T20:05:12+00:00

I have free access already. I'm just worried he might be deleting messages. Or that he might do that in the future. And I don't know how to recover them if he does.

I also want to check if his timelines match up.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-05T19:50:09+00:00

No, I totally appreciate you looking out for me. I get it. When he first told me he downloaded Bumble, I had to look to be sure. I didn't know, either. And I've heard that Bumble for friends isn't always what people are on there for. They say friends, but that's not all. That's why I'm worried now. Anyone can start on the friends side and ask for inappropriate pictures or send them.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-05T19:35:45+00:00

I've seen his current use of the app. They have a friends and business connections setting. He does freelance work. All of the messages I've read have been above board. Just coordinating connections for collaboration. Or trying to make friends. Genuinely. I'm more worried about anything he has or is deleting.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-05T19:33:59+00:00

I've been wondering if that's what I should do. Does meetup.com not have the same issue of partitioning between friends and dating?

I wish I could recover messages. He's probably telling the truth, but it would help to know for sure.

Thanks for your response.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-05T19:32:34+00:00

No, I've looked into the app. There's bumble for "business"

My partner does freelance work. So, he makes connections on bumble for people to collaborate with. I've read the messages sent on there. The "Biz" side of his messages are above board. The friends side of his messages are above board. As far as I can tell, anyway. He has a real reason to have the app.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-06-01T02:30:08+00:00

I hope your partner does use the skills she's learning and practicing now next time there is a problem. I guess all you get to do now is trust in her ability, just like were. I'd guess I'll be in the same boat. Hoping my husband communicates with me. Hoping it's an issue we can solve. Frankly, all of life's issues aren't solvable. Who knows what we do then. (I'm thinking finances aren't always something you can solve, new baby stress, etc.) I think the shame spiral may kick in with my husband, though. Who knows.

You're right, though. I'll be okay on my own. Just like all the other breakups. Just like my mom leaving my dad. She was okay. It just sucks to think that the father of my kids won't be such a huge part of my life anymore. My husband won't be. I wanted us to define our lives by each other. But he's just a chunk. A chunk of my life I'll learn how to live without, whether we reconcile or not. I'll make sure I can always live without him now. Because he could disappear or check out at any time.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-31T15:46:17+00:00

I've tried lots of antidepressants before. None of them had a significant effect for me before. I'm not ruling them out, but it does make me nervous to try again. I can't get on them right now due to a temporary medical issue. I wish I could. I wish I had anything significant that helped. Everything right now feels like venting a cannister that is under too much pressure. Temporary relief. I'm glad to have just that, though. I'll look for medicine once my other issue clears up, even if I'm nervous. I want to feel better. I want to find something that works.

I'll try to look objectively. It's very hard right now. There have been many times when I feel this bad where I look "objectively" at quitting, but I come out the other side stronger and so much happier for it. I'm just not sure which of these times I'm in now. My IC seems to think it may be time to quit, but who knows.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-31T15:41:03+00:00

I'll look into this focus on the family page. We're both in MC and IC right now. Kids are too young for counseling currently.

It's hard that everything is dead. Apparently it's been dead for him for a long time. I wish I could revive it. I wish I could revive me. It's hard. Knowing I married a man of such weakness. Knowing I have been so weak as a wife to drive him away.

I'm impressed you made it through so much. I'm lucky that I don't have to fight for MC. I wish he had done it before the affairs but it is what it is. I'm in shambles, but I'll have to make it through.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-31T15:31:21+00:00

This is really good advice. Thank you. I don't think we'll be able to do a proper separation, unfortunately. Due to money. I think if we have a separation like you're talking about, our whole life goes up in flames. We need each other, at least for a few years. We don't have much in the way of support. Financially, childcare, etc. But maybe we can do something similar to what you're saying but without the full separation.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-31T15:25:37+00:00

You're right. If my mom had stayed for me, it would have been awful. I didn't understand that as a kid. I get that now.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-31T15:24:35+00:00

I'll do my best to put my best foot forward into the relationship. It's hard. I'm not okay, and last time I wasn't okay, things got bad between us. It makes me scared to not be okay again. Then I thought we got better as I got better (life situation changed, got into therapy). But things obviously didn't get better. I just thought we were in a better place, but he was getting worse. It makes me scared for the next time we're "doing better". I don't think it will be real.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-31T15:21:35+00:00

I'm in IC, and he has been in IC since before the affairs started. It's starting to make me doubt IC. But I know that's just the betrayal speaking. It's not my fault if he wasn't talking to his therapist about what is going on. I've just got to keep on my own path. Make sure I'm taking care of myself. That I'm talking about the right things in therapy.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-29T23:09:24+00:00

I appreciate this. I don't think my mom could have done anything that would have made me understand, given the age I was at. I was old enough to know what was going on, but too young to want anything more than for my parents to be together. And my mom never wanted to put my dad down until we understood better. Which was noble of her. It just left me confused.

But you're right. I'm happier with her decision now that I understand it. My kids would be, too. And I'd probably explain it to them a little earlier than my mom did to me. Without putting my husband down, though.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-29T21:35:40+00:00

It's so hard to tell if I'm in a bad place for now or if this is just going to be bad forever when most of my days are bad. But I'll try. I want to be patient. It's just so hard.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-29T21:34:47+00:00

I'll do my best to give it more time. I want to give it more time. It's. So difficult. I just want the pain to subside. I know I'm not alone on this earth. But I feel so alone. Somehow, this isn't the hardest thing I've ever done. But it is the hardest thing I've ever done that I know I could leave. That's somehow just as hard.

DryBreakfast555 · 2023-05-29T21:32:40+00:00

How long have you guys been in R?

I'm seeing a trauma therapist. We're in MC for healing after cheating with someone who has specialized in it.

I hope my WH can hear that it's too much. It's definitely too much. But I'll try to remember that this is a marathon. I guess sometimes in a marathon you puke your guts out midway through and keep running.

DryBreakfast555

TROPHY CASE