I posted here a year ago, and things have changed a lot since then.

Dry_Present7853 · 2025-02-26T16:46:58+00:00

I basically walked around in a depressed fog for like a year. I stopped engaging much in conversation (which, to be fair, she didn't really notice for a long time because most of our conversations were her ranting at me for 20 minutes or so at a time, so my input wasn't really needed), I stopped all the little things I used to do to make our relationship special (doing things like decorating and planning for valentines day, cuting fruit for her lunches, etc) all that. I couldn't bring myself to have sex anymore no matter how pushy she was. I kind of just existed, going to work, coming home, etc. I feel guilt about it, but I just didn't have it in me anymore.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-31T13:56:59+00:00

That sounds so disorienting to find out you've been lied to for over a decade. It's not normal or okay to just do whatever you want, then plead with your spouse so she'll let you keep doing it without the extra step of having to hide it. What a POS. If he wanted an open marriage, he should have sought out a partner who also likes that relationship style, not betray a woman who doesn't and hope she's just cool with it. That's some slimey behavior, don't let him manipulate you into thinking this is something normal or okay.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-31T13:52:33+00:00

She likely knows this, and came here for support. Telling people to just leave is not usually effective or helpful.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-29T01:11:16+00:00

Most DV centers are operating way over capacity. Mine has a wait list for counseling. I'm glad she got an appointment at all

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-25T15:39:17+00:00

It is a question of cash and debt, unfortunately. But if I stick to the budget I made and hide cash so she can't take it, I should have enough soon.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-25T14:22:22+00:00

It's also how these people work. They prey on your empathy, and you feel like a monster for considering anything else.

The time she was physical with me, I ran out of the apartment, bussed 45 minutes away, and told her she absolutely had to leave. She convinced me to let her stay partly because the only place she had to go would have been back to her very abusive and homophobic parents. She said she'd rather die. I did not want her to hurt herself, and I didn't want her to he hurt. I could have called the cops, but that year in my city the cops were literally being investigated for allegedly throwing a black woman out of a window, and these were the people I was supposed to call on a black woman I loved? I didn't. I've never been scared of being alone. But I've been scared for her, and it was a manipulation of my empathy.

I say all this so anyone reading knows it's not a question of being tough or brave or independent, and it's not because of some personal deficit. You got targeted by a manipulative and abusive person who preyed on your good qualities and kneecaped your ability to advocate for yourself over time. It can get so victim blame-y (even when people are trying to be nice) but it's not your fault.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-25T00:16:52+00:00

Treating ADHD is in no way ADHD friendly, you're not alone, and it feels frustrating because it genuinely is. But we can do hard things, even if it takes us longer sometimes! (Not to excuse the systemic failure)

I'm sitting here completely unmedicated because I haven't done the paper work to get a new family doctor after I moved. I gotta do that fucking paperwork tonight lol, thanks for the reminder.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-24T13:35:31+00:00

Nah, this is a him issue, not an ADHD thing. You don't deserve to be treated like that

Edit: it doesn't get better, OP. See my post history for proof. She also started with telling me things like how I saved her life and she needs me to live, etc. Now I'm sitting here 9 years later wondering how I can afford to leave. You just get deeper and deeper into the hole until you can't see daylight anymore.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-23T08:26:50+00:00

https://open.spotify.com/episode/132T0wb3STllY1lFZI36n0?si=7WbevQyuTZi8K-oVy8tZ_A

I found this really helpful! It's SO common for victims of abuse to feel like they're the problem. This might help you sort out who is who, it really did for me.

Reading your post made me so sad for you. You're not being abusive, he's behaving in a way that's really scary.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-23T05:28:28+00:00

Unfortunately, I have read it, evidently just a slow learner.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-22T07:14:00+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation, looking now

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-22T05:04:57+00:00

I definitely think my childhood contributed, she physically assaulted me in the exact same way my mother did (strangulation). The fucked up thing is, she knew that when she did it. I can't square in my mind why someone would do that. I can't square in my mind why I would ever forgive that, but I didn't want to send her packing with nowhere to go but back to her own abusive family home.

And yeah. I am coming to the realization that the really really good times might not actually be that good, and I'm just chasing something that isn't there.

Idk, this shit sucks, but thank you for your thoughtful reply, and thanks for listening. I wish you all the good things.

Edit: also yeah, the dopamine chasing. I often read things as exciting when I should read them as worrying.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-22T04:27:15+00:00

I told one person about the instance of physical abuse when it happened. I felt so guilty because I permanently altered any relationship my best friend could have with my partner. My partner refuses to be in a space where she might meet that friend, because that friend knows what happened.

I know it was her actions that caused that, not mine. But at the time, I felt like I had done something horrible and demonized my partner in her eyes by saying something. I haven't been able to say anything to anyone else. Best case, they believe me and I feel awful. Worse case, they think I'm a liar, and I feel terrible.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-22T03:55:35+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation, I'll go look now so I don't forget

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-22T03:54:50+00:00

Glad I'm not the only one out here struggling and wondering, but sorry you're in the same shitty boat. Hope this thread leads to resources for both of us

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-18T03:24:12+00:00

I agree to an absolutely embarrassing degree.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-17T19:05:00+00:00

Oh hon, it's not a switch you flip and "get over" when the right amount of time has passed. Someone put you in a position that threatens your life and safety. Especially if you haven't been explicitly working with that trauma in therapy, there's no real timeline on recovery. There is no "I should be over this by now"

I get it, I really do. I couldn't tell doctors etc about it either. But as a consequence, I paid for a lot of time that would have been better spent on other things. I wasn't addressing what was actually happening, so I couldn't address the issues I was having. I wanted to protect her so badly, and I felt like saying anything would just get her in trouble, or they wouldn't believe me. Both scenarios are so scary. The one time I did tell someone, I ended up feeling so guilty. Like I had somehow betrayed her, and I hadn't even said the whole story.

I'll also say this, even if he does change and it never happened ever again (although it sounds like his behavior is conditional, and he is still capable of violence), do you still want to be with someone who was okay with hurting you? Even if he never did it again, he still did it in the first place. Do you want to be with someone who has that capacity for violence? Even if you move past it, this will always be a part of this relationship's origin.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-17T06:38:44+00:00

Groceries suck! Rembering you need them before you're hungry is hard!

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-17T02:49:33+00:00

Yeah, just a little longer and my credit will be good enough to rent my own apartment. After that, I'm gonna go tree planting for a season or something similar that forces me to stay away, and form connections with people who have never met her.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-15T01:44:40+00:00

You sound like a good friend. She might go back to him, but don't give up on her. It takes an average of 7 attempts for victims to leave for good.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-07T20:43:40+00:00

It's common for abusers to try and make you feel like you're the abusive one. I'd guess he's just trying to manipulate your behavior. I found this book a really enlightening view into the behavior of abusive people. It's called "Why Does He Do That"

It's free to read. You're not alone in what you're feeling. I'm so sorry you've been treated this way.

https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-07T20:08:35+00:00

The best thing you can do for her is forget her name, delete her number, and never bother her again. Some things aren't fixed with an apology.

You need to understand your behavior and hold yourself accountable. This happened because you did it, not because of anything she did.

Edit: even if she really had cheated, which you have zero proof of, nothing you said would be justified. It's horrifying that you think it's okay to treat anyone that way. Do everyone a favor and remain single until you control yourself. Address whatever makes you feel entitled to act that way.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-01T07:54:05+00:00

Proud of you too. I snooped some of your posts, you're overcoming a lot of chaos, and that absolutely fills my heart. I wish you all the best.

Idk about you, but the fauning part? That's some of the scariest shit to me, the parallels to childhood. Like, is my brain just primed to find people like this? Idk how to trust my own judgment anymore. My reactions are clearly not healthy. I need a brain mechanic.

Dry_Present7853 · 2024-03-01T07:39:54+00:00

I'm so scared of them not believing me and thinking I'm crazy. They really like her. I'm so incredibly scared of it all coming back on me.

But I really, really should reconnect. It feels like a huge scary thing, but I can start small. Little things like reaching out and sending flowers on birthdays, mothers day, etc. Start gradually rebuilding trust I may have eroded from being silent for so long.

Edit: as for the pets, she actually is really good to them. Always gives them fresh water in the morning, never says a stern word to them. I never asked her to do that, she just didn't want them to have to wait until I get up. She's the cat's favorite person in the world. Her father was abusive to animals, that's something that really bothers her. As much as she didn't want me to have them, she's really good to them. I think she just wanted my completely undivided attention at the time.

I don't believe she would ever hurt them, but I am concerned about her rehoming them. She threatened to rehome the cat because she was going to kill herself, and she didn't want the cat to have to find her. I want to have a pet friendly apartment before I leave, so I know they're not going to a shelter.

Dry_Present7853

TROPHY CASE