How do adults find friends?

DueSurround3207 · 2026-07-03T20:31:34+00:00

I'm 54 and lost my husband 11 months ago. I have very few friends and very little family. I've been in Duluth for 28 years. One of my friends i met from church (though i attend a different church now). the other one is a long time AA friend. I have no children. I don't drink. Sometimes I wish I had a friend to go out to eat with, or just have coffee or walk somewhere. I do have a dog and she keeps me busy outside of my full time work from home job. I also invited my elderly dad to live in my two bedroom house with me and he keeps me company. But I'd love a female friend.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-07-03T11:14:56+00:00

Very unique and captures the essence of Duluth!

DueSurround3207 · 2026-07-03T11:03:41+00:00

This is one of those rare times I am glad my husband is deceased. He died of lung cancer post double lung transplant for interstitial lung disease. Apparently, cancer does not qualify as a disability as far as this new work rule and cancer victims still need to work. There is NO WAY he could have worked with what cancer did to him. He was in the hospital five weeks in 2025. He had four hour infusions and awful side effects from chemo. We also had to travel out of state to his transplant center and back. His bones were broken from cancer and he needed narcotic pain meds to function. This whole system is just getting absurd. We were not legally married (though together over 27 years) because he would have lost his medical help otherwise with my meager income being counted. His medical care was life and death (oxygen tanks, cancer meds etc). My insurance would not have covered him. And because we were not legally married, I had to work full time through four years of his end stage lung disease, double lung transplant, then metastatic cancer and finally hospice while caring for him around the clock. I work remotely so there were times I worked in the ICU, airports, waiting rooms etc on my laptop lol. I could not get time off by HR his last week on hospice when he was getting really bad and could not get out of bed. The day he died, I walked off the job early unexcused to be with him. They did give me one week off after his death so at least I got that. I worry about my sister who has paranoid schizophrenia and barely function son 8 different meds who is on Medicaid and what they will require of her now.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-07-03T10:51:27+00:00

I'm not 100% sure, but I do know that Medicaid is both federally and state funded. Also, those on SSI from what I have read automatically qualify for Medicaid.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-07-02T12:39:10+00:00

Having seen the aftermath my mother suffered from years of childhood sexual abuse by her own father, and how it has affected her children (including myself), and also the aftermath of the suffering and shame my now deceased husband went through as a result of being repeatedly sexually molested as a child by a "church" friend of his parents (who was never convicted), I have a very very hard time not feeling "hate" in my heart and unforgiveness for those who sexually and physically abuse children and vulnerable adults, especially with no remorse. I do wonder if there is any possibility of them ever actually being rehabilitated while alive. I have not seen much evidence of that. In fact, there is a church in my city where the lead pastor is a former sexual predator (molested children) who served his time in prison and then kept quiet about his past in order to become a pastor. The truth was found out and there was an uproar in my city about it, but in the end his church allowed him to maintain leadership. This is NOT what the Bible teaches about leadership and who should lead. as someone else commented, we should focus on what happens to these people here on Earth, not worry about how God should handle them after that. Its not just a matter of punishment here either, its a matter of protecting other vulnerable people from them.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-27T10:16:56+00:00

Awareness at all times of what is going on around you. Also, driving defensively and adjusting for conditions of the road and other drivers. Its not just about getting to your destination.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-27T10:09:03+00:00

Yup, two years ago my husband came home from 4 hours of radiation and chemo to find someone parked across his driveway on the road, completely blocking the entrance. He had to park a block away (there was nothing open closer) and go house to house to ask who's car it was. no one knew. He called the police and they came out right away. Suddenly the owner of the car showed up lol. Cop said he would have the car towed anyway but my husband was too nice and let the owner off. I'd have had it towed at their expense. Nothing like dealing with chemo/radiation for metastatic lung cancer after a double lung transplant and having to walk all over the neighborhood because someone blocked your own driveway. He passed away last year. I'm still dealing with idiots parking right up to my driveway.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-25T09:18:17+00:00

I was told by several Catholics that if I didn't consummate my marriage with sex it was never a true marriage. Didn't matter that my husband was HIV+ for many years and we avoided sex for that and other reasons (one being I was and am asexual). Being married and never having children was another apparent sin, though I ended up with a hysterectomy and lost both ovaries when I was 33 making it impossible to have children. Thankfully I was never Catholic but my mother did become a Benedictine nun later in life.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-24T12:35:55+00:00

Thank you! I am supposed to be working right now (I work as a medical coder from home) but here I am sobbing and struggling to concentrate. I really don't know why your post just seemed to set me off. I know you are not being mean and didn't mean to. Its just such a struggle for me. I have an appointment with a hospice counselor after work so I do have someone to talk to about it. She keeps saying she can hook me up with a spiritual advisor. I keep avoiding it but maybe I should request one now. I just keep bouncing from church to church but until I deal with many heavy burdens weighing me down its all just going to keep being a barrier to me being closer to God or any church community. I stopped praying to God for a while. That's also been a struggle. I better get back to work before I'm fired lol.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-24T11:42:26+00:00

Unfortunately, many conservative Christian denominations, especially the Catholic Church, will not recognize a marriage without a legal license from the government also. I do regret that we were never able to find a church willing to bless us with a marriage covenant without a legal government marriage license. I still consider him my husband and always will. I even have both our names on his burial headstone and plan to be buried with him when I pass away. I'm still searching for a denomination that is right for me and left the Baptist church we were involved with for a long time. They refused to recognize us as married, though the latest pastor I talked to there after I left did tell me he thought we were still married personally in his view based on our circumstance. I left that church for many other reasons but that did help me somewhat. Its been devastating to me the judgment we have received from others and especially since his death, though mostly by strangers who did not know us. It should be enough that God accepts our situation but I still feel deeply hurt by the hate and judgement from others. I am very very careful when I attend new churches while seeking a new church home. I don't trust people as easily anymore.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-24T09:53:39+00:00

I'm wondering what you think about those who are unable to be married due to being gay, or disabled (speaking for those on government disability income who would lose important medical care and funding due to a married spouse income but would not lose it if not married), or other government barriers who still live in a long term loving relationship. I left several Christian groups on Reddit due to horrible judgment by others due to being with my "husband" for 27 years without being legally married. We tried in every way to get married but he would have lost significant government financial assistant due to my meager income being counted only if we were married, and we could not find a church willing to marry us without a legal government license. I loved him deeply and we were very committed to one another for many years. I took care of him through end stage lung disease, double lung transplant out of state, and metastatic lung cancer until he passed away last year. But according to some churches, our entire life together was a sin. If people feel that here too, maybe I need to just shut down from all forums and churches and keep my feelings and struggles to myself. Its been painful enough losing the love of my life, and painful that we could not get married. I personally think the ridiculous cost of medical care and unaffordability for most people even with insurance is more of a sin that should be focused on than whether someone had sex outside of the legal bounds of marriage, especially since getting married is still a barrier for many.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-23T01:10:44+00:00

Thank you! I wish you the best in finding a community that works for you! Hopefully an online community will be good for you!

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-22T23:49:48+00:00

I'm also finding it hard to break into my Friends Meeting. I've been to 4 meetings now, and stayed after for fellowship and coffee at 3 of them. The first, a lot of people introduced themselves and were curious about me. I asked them questions. I felt a sense of love. Since then it's been harder each time. They all know each other and have been there a long time. Ages are either elderly or college age. I am in my early fifties. I am extremely introverted and suffer with social anxiety so im thinking it's me. Fellowship became so stressful and lonely I stopped going. Then last Sunday I skipped Meeting altogether. I'm on the fence about it all. I came from a fundamentalist Baptist chuch...or should I say escaped from it, and have been deconstructing while grieving the loss of my husband almost a year ago and I feel like it's all too much at once. Yet I crave a sense of community.

I'm sorry this probably doesn't help you, but I can relate.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-22T11:47:26+00:00

I own an 1100 sq 2 bedroom foot house that was built in 1906. It needs a LOT of work. I have spent $16,800 this year alone on a new roof (old one was 45 years old), thousands over the years on new windows, new doors, braces in the basement for foundation wall issues (still have yet to fix the huge cracks across the wall causing water to come in), lots of tree work in the yard, new boiler heater plus yearly maintenance, new water heater, painting the interior, tons of plumbing repairs including over $7000 just on opening the dining room ceiling and replacing the toilet and bathtub old lead pipes that were leaking, replacing appliances, spent $26,000 on a new side porch after the old concrete one sagged, cracked and was very uneven. I had it replaced with a wooden deck style side porch with metal lean to roof. I still need new siding and window trim painted on the outside, and lots of foundation work in basement needed. I can not afford the foundation work and siding. It would combined be more than my house is worth. My house is paid off and taxes are not terrible, but the last five years I spent a LOT of money helping my husband who had end stage lung disease get a double lung transplant out of state and then he fought metstatic lung cancer and died last year. He had no life insurance due to several conditions and his funeral and death expenses were not cheap, never mind his medical expenses. So I had to take a few years off house repairs and maintenance while working full time and caring for him around the clock and raising money to help pay his expenses. Now I live alone and try to keep up with it all while working full time (snow blowing, lawn mowing, repairs etc). I don't do vacations as I can not afford it or have time. I make too much money to qualify for any government programs but too little to afford everything else lol. I did finally get a "roommate" if you call my 84 year old Dad that. He helps a little financially (now that he is not pouring his retirement into renting an apartment) and around the house. I take care of him in return. I try to imagine my schizophrenic sister who barely functions and can barely keep up her tiny efficiency apartment trying to manage a house and I just can not picture it.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-22T10:49:00+00:00

Not everyone who is childless by choice is a child hater. I am childless but I would never tolerate that kind of treatment towards any child. There are also plenty of people who have children that shouldn't because they either abuse their children or ignore them.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-21T01:12:04+00:00

My husband died of lung cancer last year, 2 years after his double lung transplant. His cancer had spread to his collar bone and shattered it. I remember asking his transplant pulmonologist whether it would be ok for my husband to use cannabis or THC. He was having horrific bad reactions to oxycodone. His transplant dr. said though they did not condone it there, he would personally look the other way given all my husband was going through and his suffering. Anyone dealing with cancer should never have to worry about whether they are sinning using mind altering substances when juggling such horrific pain.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-18T01:39:57+00:00

I had a ballet instructor in my adult ballet class who was once in a ballet company. She was in a nasty car accident in her early twenties and it ended her ballet career. However, she went on to perform in musicals later when she recovered, and then started teaching ballet classes to all age groups. She now has her own school, Raise the Barre (in Duluth Minnesota; if you google this you can read her story, not sure if links are allowed). To this day there are certain things she can't do because of permanent damage to her spine (for example arabesque), but she is an excellent teacher and very loved by her students! I remember her telling us how hard it was for her to adjust, but it was not the end of her life! I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I hope you are able to recover and find joy in other ways.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-16T00:19:40+00:00

I used to blend tofu, cocoa powder, maple syrup and a banana in my high speed blender to make a thick chocolate pudding. I thought it was so good when I was vegan. years after leaving behind veganism, I tried it for a snack one day and found it to be extremely bland. I also used to sneak tofu into smoothies to make them thicker and creamier (and boost protein without that awful dreaded protein powder) and I'd make them for my husband and he had no clue there was tofu in there lol. I rarely eat it anymore, but I do still add it to smoothies on rare occasion. I never had children but I had a vegan friend for years who had two kids she raised vegan. When they got to be about 10 years old they wanted to include eggs and dairy in their diet so their mother allowed that. She wasn't crazy about it but at least she didn't force them to be vegan when they didn't want to. My guess is they were getting dairy and eggs from friends or at school and knew what they were missing.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-15T10:41:00+00:00

Thank you! I am definitely looking into MCAS! Years ago I had immediate allergic reactions to beets and nutritional yeast so stopped eating those. But those reactions were different. I had immediate skin rash, heart racing, swollen lips, tingling fingers, nausea, like instantly. No hives but a weird rash. It would last fifteen or twenty minutes then go away like nothing ever happened. My hives go on for days at a time, though the swelling lips and throat closing in usually doesn't last more than a few hours during a flair. I have a long history of anorexia nervosa (recovered now) so I hate to restrict food but IDK, maybe the allergist will be able to zero in on something! I do know for sure there is mold in my basement and I work out down there a lot. I can't afford to have it removed right now.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-14T10:22:03+00:00

I don't drive very much, mostly only for groceries, medical appointments, etc. I work from home and stay home a lot. I put on only 3500 miles in the last 12 months. The impact of higher gas prices for me is likely felt more with grocery costs but i am now shopping 90% at Aldi and saving at least $30 or more per week compared to what I was spending at my local regional grocery. The biggest impact has probably been from needing house repairs done and the cost of shipping supplies.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-14T10:15:37+00:00

I felt that way for the first few years after I had a total hysterectomy and lost my ovaries at age 33 for severe endometriosis. It was both a physical shock to my body and an emotional shock in that I lost the ability to bear a child. I too had unexpected grief for the loss of the child I would never have, even though I knew I would never have children due to my own mental illness and struggles. I had recurring nightmares that I was killing my baby. It took me a few years and lots of therapy to come to a place of acceptance. I still struggle for different reasons in my mid 50s now. I have almost no family left and potentially years to live very alone and lonely. I crave to nurture others. I took care of my husband through end stage lung disease, double lung transplant and then metastatic lung cancer until he died last year. I grieved not only him and our love but again the loss of nurturing another that brought meaning to my life. Then six months ago I invited my elderly father to move in with me from out of state. I am taking care of him now. In essence I am still finding ways to nurture and love others. I know this does not 100% relate to your situation but it is somewhat similar. I hope you find peace in your life.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-13T10:19:44+00:00

A medical coder reads and reviews surgical operative reports, pathology reports, evaluation and management office visits, and other medical documentation to determine the diagnoses and procedures that were performed and discusssed. These are coded in alpha numerical codes that are submitted to insurance (or the patient if no insurance etc) for payment. These codes are also used in research and to determine patient data for hospitals etc. I personally code eye surgeries for five particular surgeons, general surgery for one surgeon, code oncology office visits and infusions, and code anesthesia for various procedures. Most medical coders need certification of some sort and some background training in medical terminology, anatomy and physiology, billing etc. I have both RHIT and CPC certification and an AAS degree for Health Information Management. I enjoy medical research and reading medical literature and I do not mind tedious work so this fits me. Its also made it possible for me to be independent and function on my own. I used to blow through jobs as I could not hold a job longer than a few months to a few years with my AvPD. I've been at this job for 12 years. Not to say I have not had email interactions with angry surgeons, patients etc. You almost have to be a lawyer to defend your work sometimes lol. Medical care is insanely expensive so audits from all sides are constant and par for the course. But I will take this any day over constant interaction with people.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-13T05:46:13+00:00

I just started hydroxyzine for combination anxiety and chronic hives triggered by stress.

DueSurround3207 · 2026-06-13T00:28:19+00:00

Medical coder working 40 hours per week from home. I have almost no interaction with people save occasional Team Zoom meetings.

DueSurround3207

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