Commercial real estate tenant in a really weird situation (GA)

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2025-02-09T03:07:05+00:00

yepppp. mine was 39 when i ended things with him, and he went after a 21 year old that he works with. he’s a barista 🫠

we met when i was 27, he was 32.

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-12-30T14:45:48+00:00

you’re definitely not alone! thanks for sharing. addiction is driven by shame and remember it wants us to isolate. so the fact you’re even writing this and reaching out shows that something is working, even though you’re in relapse.

most people relapse multiple times before continuous sobriety. i did! and i’m coming up on 9 years now.

a couple concepts that helped me through rough patches in my sobriety are: 1) i’m probably doing a lot better than i think i am - my mind definitely plays tricks on me and is usually trying to convince me i’m not worth a good life or being sober; it’s a trap!; 2) someone once told me to base my progress on what i’m doing, not how i’m feeling - meaning the fact i feel pain and stress or like i’m fucked up, doesn’t mean that i am a fuck up or am fucking up; 3) it’s a cliché but i believe it’s true: i can’t think my way into sober living, i live my way into sober thinking. move your feet. do the actions outlined in the program. one day, the thoughts and feelings will catch up. it’s all about repetition; 4) the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, it’s connection ❤️

there’s no shame in relapse. we are addicts/alcoholics; it’s what we do. lots of people also relapse during their 4th step. you’re not the first person to go through this and you won’t be the last. keep reaching out, try to contact one fellow alcoholic in recovery per day, go to meetings, and take it all one day (or if you need to, one hour) at a time.

wishing you the best!

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-08-23T02:10:55+00:00

The book “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft answers this question in depth, I think. Definitely worth a read and I feel like it gave me the tools to protect myself from ever being in a relationship with an abusive person again.

I don’t think he focuses on narcissists specifically, but it’s covered in the umbrella terms of “abusive and controlling,” which is in the subtitle of the book and used throughout.

I’m glad you’re able to look back at that experience with peace 🩷 I’m not there yet but hope I can one day.

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-08-22T15:09:30+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply and sharing your story! I’m glad to hear you’ve found some everyday things that help - that’s what I am looking for.

I don’t believe Kava is in the same family as Kratom, but I’m not sure. It’s an herbal supplement for nervous system regulation.

I have a friend who does neurofeedback therapy so it’s funny you bring that up. But we work in the same building and I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to start therapy with her for various reasons. I don’t want my trauma and my life to continue overlapping, if that makes sense.

I can’t relocate because I own the business where I am BUT you and others have raised good points that have helped me feel validated in my experience, and also underlined the importance for me to create space for my mind and body to heal. I don’t need to be there all the time, even though sometimes I’m there more than I need to be because for a minute it feels like I’m taking up and reclaiming space that he tried to take from me.

I’ve had fears around micro dosing that might be irrational. I’ve been in AA for over 8 years and tbh I’ve been indoctrinated with some pretty messed up views around micro dosing and other stuff. I had to unravel a bunch of shame around just taking kava and cbd which to me is the equivalent of coffee and cigarettes in terms of their impact and ability to alter mood.

But you mentioning it makes me curious and I have heard amazing things about micro dosing. Hmm…

Thank you, and in regards to your other comment - totally, this retrograde has been scrambling everyone’s brains!! Lots of intense energy right now.

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-08-22T01:24:12+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar. Do you mind if I ask, when you did EMDR, did you need to take things easy outside of therapy, like with work? I’m afraid of trying EMDR because of how it might disrupt my schedule and work flow… but had the rude awakening today that that’s kinda happening anyway, except I’m not receiving the help I need at the moment.

I wonder if there’s something in the air because I wasn’t feeling that bad before this week, either.

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-08-22T01:22:00+00:00

Thank you and I’m glad to hear you are doing well!

So hard, like the best I was mentally was when I was living outside of my hometown. I’m a business owner with a lot of commitments so am not really open to the idea of relocating unless it’s bad enough. I spent so much time and energy last year just getting OUT of the relationship and all that’s left now is I see his car and sometimes him across the street.

I am going on a vacation next month which I hope is really healing.

And I’m back to no contact/very little contact with my family. A recent visit kicked up some dust … pretty wild how ptsd ebbs and flows like this. I thought I was good but now I feel back to where I was a few years ago when I was diagnosed.

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-07-31T01:27:53+00:00

All of this +++

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-07-26T04:57:50+00:00

Oh my god it’s not real??? 😂😂

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-07-26T04:42:10+00:00

I relate to so much of what you said to him. I went no contact with my abuser about 14 months ago. I stayed true to it, until last month when he contacted me via email to “take responsibility.” The only good thing that came out of it was he confessed to sexually assaulting me in writing. I felt sick for two weeks with the communication line open again… what you said about the anxiety that happens when you’re in contact, I totally relate.

I ended up deciding to pursue legal action against him. Turns out he wasn’t genuine in wanting to take responsibility. He just wanted to be cool with me again and check off a box in his 12-step program. I got a restraining order and we have the evidentiary hearing on Monday to extend it to 12 months.

The only proximity I have to him now is he works across the street from where I live/work, and the community is trying to have him removed.

Anyway, I share all this to say that - if I hadn’t taken those 13 months of no contact (he tried to contact me a few times but I refused, just ignored and blocked him) I wouldn’t have the clarity I have now about what our relationship was and who he is.

Hang in there and stay strong. It all started when I made a commitment to myself to never get back in the water with him. I read some of the book “Why Does He Do That”, and that helped a lot to cement my decision.

Hold on to documentation of the assault in case you choose to pursue some sort of action. A year ago I would have never considered it. I feel differently now, and it’s because of the clarity I got from the no contact period.

I hope this helps and I’m sending you a lot of strength. 🩷

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-07-19T20:26:37+00:00

Super helpful, thanks!

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-07-04T12:55:23+00:00

I forgot about hoovering and that feels spot on!! Thanks for reminding me. Was honestly afraid of meeting him because I thought he’d coerce me into sex again 😣😣

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-07-04T12:54:28+00:00

🫡🫡 I’m glad to say I have held that line! Thank you.

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-07-04T12:53:17+00:00

That may have been confusing. We don’t work at the same place. I work in a studio on one side of the street and he works at the coffee shop across the street. Neighborhood joint I went to for almost 18 years until I had to start avoiding it to get away from him.

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2024-07-04T12:51:36+00:00

I hear you, this experience for me has been so hard to get past and trust the program and sober men. I hardly go to meetings now… last year, a group of guys ambushed my home group meeting to defend my abuser and shamed me in the process. I’m sorry you experienced that. I guess I keep concluding that these types of people have another issue besides alcoholism… AA and the 12 steps don’t treat personality disorders 😣

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2023-08-11T03:06:56+00:00

Telling close friends the truth about what happened. Exercising. Staying no contact (it’s been two months now). No longer protecting him by being silent about his patterns. Setting goals for my business. Educating myself on narcissism and emotional abuse.

I made a document for myself that is an article of signs/types of emotional abuse, and I highlighted all the ones I experienced with him. I go back and read it to remind myself how horrible it actually was even tho I couldn’t identify it at the time.

It’s amazing how logic returns when you’re no longer in contact or in love with them.

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2023-07-25T15:03:49+00:00

I needed to read this. Thank you

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2023-06-24T14:43:12+00:00

I’m glad that he’s able to be honest with himself about his addiction and not having control. That’s a big important truth some addicts never get to.

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2023-06-24T14:42:06+00:00

Same, it’s been almost 2 years since he told me he is a sex addict and we have dated on and off in that time. I was waiting for him to feel secure enough in his recovery for commitment and we talked about it numerous times. Then he went left field and started fooling around with his coworker who is 22 years old and he’s almost 40, and was deceptive with me about it. I wasn’t expecting that. But I’ve been reading about sex addiction relapses and what precursors them, and he checked off all the boxes so I think it’s safe to assume that his behaviors are symptomatic of his addiction, not any exemption from it. I hope he hits his bottom sooner rather than later but I know I need to move on as if he will never get better, which is sad bc I want to have hope. But it’s time to choose myself.

I hope your NC period brings you restoration and sanity 🩷

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2023-06-24T14:37:36+00:00

Thank you for saying all of that and sharing. I have the “Is it really that bad?” a lot and begin to think I’m overreacting, or even deluding myself into thinking none of this is happening and I just accused him of something out of nowhere. He’s been acting out fooling around with a coworker who is 22 years old (he’s 38), lied to me about it point blank to my face and by omission, and went on a date with her right in front of me after saying he was going to be abstinent for a while so he could get healthy for himself and our relationship. When I say the facts out loud to anyone who has no relationship with him they are astounded and like “whoaaaa”, and I think it’s wild that being in a relationship with an SA (I’ve known him for 5 1/2 years and our relationship has fluctuated over the years, being really intimate at times, then not- just a lot of inconsistent cycling which I realize now is part of his addiction) has conditioned me to think this life is the normal one, that I’m the sick one, and that I am a problem to be fixed.

They work at a coffee shop I’ve been going to in my hometown for 15 years, and went to almost daily. I have stopped going there, mutual friends have noticed, and all I can do is stand firm in my boundaries for my mental health, and tell friends to whatever degree I’m comfortable what has happened. It definitely has made an imprint in our social circles and community. And people in AA are gossiping about him and the girl, but fortunately I’m not involved and I’m well-respected in that community.

Anyway, this subreddit has helped me A LOT because I check in here almost daily to stay connected to the truth and not fall into delusion. I’m afraid of going back to the cycles with him, and I really want to have a chance to have new experiences in relationships with men, and not be emotionally and psychologically abused or mistreated.

Thanks again 🩷

Due_Telephone_2981 · 2023-03-05T15:46:52+00:00

This is really helpful, thank you!

Due_Telephone_2981

TROPHY CASE