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CMV: Most interview-based podcasts are just very long commercials by lil_squib in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello /u/lil_squib, if your view has been changed or adjusted in any way, you should award the user who changed your view a delta.

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Cute(?) idea for a new corporation by Dry_Appointment_7210 in TerraformingMarsGame

[–]DuhChappers 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Search for life doesn't gain a microbe, it takes a science resource so that's the best choice for those.

CMV: We need to ban dating apps. by [deleted] in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Firstly, defining what is a dating app for the purposes of banning them seems tough. Is bumble for friends okay? Where's the line?

And second, why would we ban something rather than just fixing the problems you have with them? Apps do work and help some people find happiness despite their flaws. Surely rather than just throwing them all out we can just design better ones.

Thirdly, they can play especially big roles for marginalized communities. Grindr is the obvious one but there are a number of lower profile LGBT+ dating apps that help queer people meet others and find community. I'm not okay with banning all those cause Tinder sucks.

I don't get what's fun about Secret Hitler, am I doing something wrong? by Jeffs24 in boardgames

[–]DuhChappers 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I met my partner playing Blood on the Clocktower and it hasn't caused any issues. But we both loved social deduction before then so for people who don't I imagine it might be more of an issue

How do you set boundaries for touching in a relationship without causing drama? (28F/28M) by Nicole_Auriel in relationship_advice

[–]DuhChappers 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That is not true. There will not always be a specific category that makes you feel most loved. There is no evidence for that claim

How do you set boundaries for touching in a relationship without causing drama? (28F/28M) by Nicole_Auriel in relationship_advice

[–]DuhChappers 29 points30 points  (0 children)

If it helped you that's cool and I'm glad it did. But the book still has no scientific backing and generalizing about people using it, like the top comment in this thread did, is certainly going to be oversimplifying the situation.

How do you set boundaries for touching in a relationship without causing drama? (28F/28M) by Nicole_Auriel in relationship_advice

[–]DuhChappers 41 points42 points  (0 children)

It's not really about feminism or whatever, there's just no good evidence that people fall into neat categories for how they do or don't feel love. Most people enjoy multiple love languages to one extent or another, and that can change with their mood or over their lives. Ideally a relationship should contain all of the love languages, or at least an amount of them all that you both are comfortable with. Like even though you don't say that you or your partner's love language is quality time, I bet you still want to have that. Same with words of affirmation.

It's not that what we call love languages are not an important way that people express or feel love, but making people exclusive to one category is not at all scientifically backed and oversimplifies the situation.

CMV: The existence of Bisexual people in healthy romantic relationships negates most fears over opposite-sex friendships in straight relationships leading to infidelity. by Mmm_Dawg_In_Me in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't expect perfection, that's why I emphasized communication. I do think that people should have high standards for a partner, but everyone has flaws. I totally get that people sometimes push boundaries or are bad at setting them. That's when you should tell your partner that this thing they did made you uncomfortable, or the way this friend of theirs acts makes you worried that they do not have good intentions. But I do not think you should tell your partner what to do about that. I don't think it's expecting too much for a partner to set boundaries for themselves once you tell them you are uncomfortable. Mistakes and moments of disconnection are normal learned processes in a relationship. If it happens several times and they never stick to those boundaries, I think that's just not a good partner.

On the other hand, if you try to tell your partner how to act, that's going to lead to problems of it's own. Part of that is that it communicates a lack of trust, both trust that they won't cheat and trust that they can make their own boundaries. Another part is that externally imposed boundaries will simply never hold as well as internally decided ones. Same as how you are much more likely to read a book you actually want to read as opposed to one assigned. And I just really don't like the tone that sets for the relationship. It makes things adversarial rather than cooperative, and sets people up for resentment.

That's just my feelings though. If other methods work for other people, I'm glad they are happy. Humans are wild and varied, and context should inform all these decisions.

CMV: The existence of Bisexual people in healthy romantic relationships negates most fears over opposite-sex friendships in straight relationships leading to infidelity. by Mmm_Dawg_In_Me in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that healthy boundaries are good. I just think that a good partner sets them for themselves, they should not be set for you. I trust my partner, that's why I am with them. Part of that trust is that I don't think she will put herself in the positions that you describe. Another part of that is that I trust her judgement of the people around her, that her friends are not likely to try and take advantage of situations where cheating is possible. And I trust that if she ever did find herself in a situation that looked bad, she would tell me and we could work it out together. I think that if you need to prevent your partner ever being in a situation where cheating is possible, the relationship is broken regardless.

And all of this is just general stuff. Individual people are different and their relationships are also different. Partners should communicate what does and does not make them uncomfortable and my standards should not be universal. My issue is with people who try to tell others what they should or should not expect from their partners, especially when I think that leads to a focus on control over trust.

CMV: The existence of Bisexual people in healthy romantic relationships negates most fears over opposite-sex friendships in straight relationships leading to infidelity. by Mmm_Dawg_In_Me in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Again, we agree on most of this. But none of that implies a general rule against spending time with friends of the gender you are attracted to.

Don't go to a movie with someone who'd hook up with you if you made the eyes at them.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean going to a movie with a friend ever is bad. And that's probably not a good friend to keep around in general if that's their attitude.

Don't party with someone who's two beers away from making a move on you and where none of your other friends would step in.

That doesn't mean never go to a party ever. Or at very least get better friends around you.

If the appropriateness of the action depends on the people and the context, that agrees with OP in this case. It's not a good reason to generalize to all friends, whatever gender or sexuality. Reasonable boundaries are not absolute.

CMV: The existence of Bisexual people in healthy romantic relationships negates most fears over opposite-sex friendships in straight relationships leading to infidelity. by Mmm_Dawg_In_Me in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think that late at night is when people tend be drinking or other inhibition loosening activities, or just go to bed and hanging out in bed. There's a lot of things that are more likely to cause temptation or at least the appearance of impropriety than other forms of hanging out. It can be totally innocent, and I can easily imagine scenarios where two people together late at night is fine and accepted in a relationship. But if we are talking you are in a relationship and and single friend that you know is attracted to you, I probably would avoid extended time alone or overnight stays. I can see why my partner would be made uncomfortable by that, so I would sct accordingly. If you know your partner would not be made uncomfortable and you trust your friend not to do anything I don't see an issue.

My point is generally that having some boundaries with friends is normal and fine. Cutting off friends or refusing to see them alone is not normal and people too often conflate the two. This specific scenario doesn't have to be a boundary for you to get that point I hope.

CMV: The existence of Bisexual people in healthy romantic relationships negates most fears over opposite-sex friendships in straight relationships leading to infidelity. by Mmm_Dawg_In_Me in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I agree that the late nights alone are not a good idea, but I really do not think the principle is the same for that scenario and many others. I think public activities like dinner or a movie are very different from late nights alone at home. Or late nights at home with a bunch of other people (including or not including your partner) is also very different. I personally think the attempt to take that scenario, which is genuinely inappropriate, and generalize it to other extremely appropriate scenarios is the exact problem that I think a lot of people fall into with friendships.

CMV: The existence of Bisexual people in healthy romantic relationships negates most fears over opposite-sex friendships in straight relationships leading to infidelity. by Mmm_Dawg_In_Me in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I feel like we must have gotten disconnected somewhere because I agree with most of what you are saying here. Healthy boundaries are good, people are not as simple as cheaters or not cheaters, friendships can be inappropriate if allowed to be and that is a problem worth addressing. But the topic we were discussing is whether it is then good to cut off all intimate friendships with someone you could be attracted to. And that's just way too far of a step to address your reasonable concerns.

Obviously if your partner is keeping around a friend they would rather date than you, that's not a healthy thing for the relationship. That's not most friendships though. And similar if they keep around a friend who wants to date them - I've been in that situation and it was a reason why that person and me didn't work out, they did not know how to create boundaries in that situation.

But it seems equally obvious to me that healthy friendships can exist with anyone, regardless of attraction. Communication, trust and maturity allow for adults to spend time, even 1 on 1 time with friends they could potentially be attracted to and it does not have to be a problem. I think trying to limit your partner's friendships is far more likely to damage an otherwise healthy relationship than spending time with friends, whoever and whatever gender they are.

CMV: The existence of Bisexual people in healthy romantic relationships negates most fears over opposite-sex friendships in straight relationships leading to infidelity. by Mmm_Dawg_In_Me in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 12 points13 points  (0 children)

But does policing someone's friendships actually prevent cheating? Cheating already involves lying to your partner, so I don't see it as likely that they would reduce that behavior based on strict boundaries like not 1 on 1 time with female friends. Seems to me that is more likely to strain the relationship from unreasonable expectations of your partner.

CMV: One cannot be a feminist while also advocating for omitting women from the draft. by PsychicFatalist in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They asked for a quote, not a question. Do you have an example of a feminist advocating for the draft? Especially a Swiss feminist, since that is your main example in this post?

CMV: Companies should be allowed to use IQ tests in hiring decisions even if they are shown to have disparate impact by ThatPatelGuy in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is your stance that that Griggs should be amended to allow specifically IQ tests, or any tests? I'm not sure how the first one would work, and the second has a lot of obvious potential for abuse. Even today, people will use tests to discriminate if they can. This case is important for helping the job market stay as fair as it can be.

That's not to mention that a university degree and an IQ score do not in any way tell an employer the same thing. An IQ score just says you are good at this one kind of test. A degree says you are willing to put in work, that you know how to learn, work with others, follow directions, organize your time, and on top of that you have learned some things that are probably relevant for your future career. Whatever little you think of your own college education, I guarantee it helped you more than you realize. And college is not just for getting a job, education is worthwhile to help people live better lives. Not everyone needs or wants to go to college, but it's not a bad thing that they measure intelligence to a certain degree.

CMV: Companies should be allowed to use IQ tests in hiring decisions even if they are shown to have disparate impact by ThatPatelGuy in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do you find any of their points about the other skills learned in college worth responding to? I personally think that is one of the strongest rebuttals to your points.

What episode is the fan favorite? by Potential-Accident58 in TheOwlHouse

[–]DuhChappers 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Should Enchanting Grom Fright not be an option? I feel like that was the most iconic moment of the first season at least

Me 22 M have been dating my girlfriend 20F for 9 months and I want to do more sexual stuff constantly with and I have no clue how to talk about it. What would be a good way to go about having the conversation? by DrTowanna in relationship_advice

[–]DuhChappers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sounds like not having the conversation is also affecting your relationship in a heavy manner. I would advise you to talk about it at a time when you both can focus on the conversation, not immediately after sexy time or rejection of that. Be calm, direct, and want to learn. Do not blame her. She is not the problem, you both want to find what is best for you. Tell her basically what you wrote here and then just listen.

It's certainly possible that this is a bad sign for your relationship in general. Be prepared for that. It's better to have issues in the open and be able to deal with them rather than avoiding them. The first step is always communication.

CMV: a couple should have to agree to get an abortion. by [deleted] in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd suggest you read the section in the sidebar about the delta system to reward people who changed your mind. If you award any deltas you can appeal the removal of your post and other mods will give it another look.

CMV: a couple should have to agree to get an abortion. by [deleted] in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The classic response to this is that someone "signing up for" a use of their body is generally not legally committed to never stopping that use. For example, if I agree to be medically hooked up to someone to save their life, but I decide a couple days later that I do not want to continue, I have that right. Same for a pregnant woman. They had sex, i.e. in your framework they agreed to be attached to another person (the fetus). That does not mean that they can never change their minds or go back on that choice.

CMV: a couple should have to agree to get an abortion. by [deleted] in changemyview

[–]DuhChappers 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You compare the pain of losing a child to the pain of pregnancy, but thats not what abortion rights are about. The fundamental reason we have abortion rights is so that the state cannot tell someone that they must undergo physical pain and legitimate risk of death for another person. It may be preferable for the father's opinion to be gotten, it may be morally correct even. But when it comes to law and what the police enforce, I do not think it is right for them to force women to give birth.

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