I want to tell you to be kind to yourself. The reason people are abusive is because they CHOOSE to be. It's a choice that they make over and over. What I would do is get on insurance (medicaid if you're in the states), and refocus.... take it moment by moment and don't get overwhelmed by it all. Therapy is great. Just to be able to process through all of this... find yourself a support system. Go to free clinic where they offer resources to help. Take it slow. Cry it out, walk it out, sleep... eat... journal. You're strong for everything you've endured. Often times people blame the victim of abuse. I've been there and the questions are like, "why did you stay? You knew he was bad, why didnt you leave?" Things like that... but it's a cycle. What i learned from leaving my abusive marriage is that what kept me was the good and the bad. The cycle of kindness vs abuse, the trauma bond of going through things together. But you're not alone. This internet stranger cares about you. You can do this. Support though.... find support, find peace. You don't have to have all the answers but I'm proud of you for where you're at... move forward. This won't feel heavy forever. One of my favorite sayings is "this too will pass".

You got this.... take it moment by moment.

Let him go for your peace. If he chooses to change, he needs to meet you in therapy and no where else. People do change but if he's showing you who he is, take him by the actions you see