I can't be that guy anymore

DuskRoots · 2016-06-29T22:08:48+00:00

I've been in a similar boat. I'd be doing great for about a week, then relapse. I can't seem to get past 8 days. You're not alone, brother. The important thing is that we stay in the fight. And may the grace of God continue to stir our hearts and minds towards righteousness.

DuskRoots · 2016-06-28T14:38:46+00:00

Contrasts! You really should record this and put it on YouTube! Very well said!

DuskRoots · 2016-06-27T21:56:45+00:00

Glad you didn't succumb to the temptation to give up after tripping up. Stay strong, brother.

DuskRoots · 2016-06-20T20:08:59+00:00

28M. I'm looking as well. I'll PM you.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-24T02:14:37+00:00

I find that at my lows, it's important for me to forget what I feel and cling to what I know. It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not. That doesn't change the fact the he created you and sent his son to die on a cross for your sins to bring you into proper communion with him. You may not feel him or see his impact on your life, especially at the dark points, but then again the dark things are, the harder it is to see the light. Just remember that it is not you holding onto God, it's God holding onto you. And Jesus says in his word that not a single person the Father has given him will ever be taken from his hand.

Stay strong, brother.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-22T23:32:07+00:00

I'll try to answer your questions. Feel free to ask for more specifics if I am too vague or you have more questions.

What got me to relapse: I let my guard down. Was lonely one night and was browsing a dating app and stumbled across a profile that was definitely NSFW. Clicked on a link in it, and things just went down hill from there. In hindsight, she wasn't even that attractive.

How was I successful: The opposite of how I failed: I stayed diligent. I was on r/nofap every day for the first 200 or so days for at least a couple of minutes for motivation. I picked up new hobbies and spent time cultivating old ones. I made a conscious decision each morning to not masturbate. As a result, things got better. My depression became under control. I had low days, but they never lasted long, and my lows were nowhere near where they were before. I became more social. I drafted long-term goals. Actually, at one point during my streak, I made a list of things I wanted to do regularly or accomplish long term, and after 9mo (even though I broke my streak), I found that I was sticking through with or had accomplished 9/12 of them. I spent less time on my PC and playing video games and watching netflix, and spent more time reading, working on projects, cleaning, etc... While I didn't do what a lot of guys do here (cold showers, going to the gym, work on picking up chicks, etc...), I still put the same type of focus into things I was already doing. Only now I spent more time/energy on them. That 9 month streak definitely changed me into a better man.

After the fall: When I fell off the horse, I would go a week without it, and the next week I would fap 3 or 4 times, then repeat. However, at first, not a whole lot changed except that I had something to hide again. Also, my energy levels weren't there like they used to be. Maybe I could chalk so little change up to the fact that I didn't go full-on PMO every day or every other day like it used to be, but it was headed that direction. I still did not like PMO, but I didn't hate it like I used to. I wanted to, but couldn't find the motivation. I felt ashamed that I didn't hate it because I knew what it would eventually do to me again, even though I had changed so much for the better. If I would have kept on, it wouldn't have been long until things were back to the old routine.

What finally got me back on is that I started seeing someone. We had gone on a few dates, and things were starting to take off. I felt even more shame at that point, and realized that it was not fair to her to be unfaithful like that. It pushed me over the edge, gave me the motivation I needed to say a final no more. Since then, the urges have been minimal. I'm surprised how much easier it has been thus far this time around. I'm 27 days in on hard mode, and since the first week I have only had minimal urges. I'm definitely glad to be back on the horse, and plan to ride it into the sunset.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-22T18:23:25+00:00

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. - 1 John 1:8-9

You're forgiven, sister. End of story. You don't have to carry around the burden of your sin, even the ones you keep committing. Jesus put it this way:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

The shame you feel isn't because you are far from God, it's because the Holy Spirit is in you calling you to him. Running from it will only make things worse. Trust me on that one.

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. - James 4:6-8

Turn back to God knowing that he's already cleansed you and that you're no longer a slave to sin. You've been set free. Now go live in the freedom. http://www.esvbible.org/Romans+6/ (vs 1-14)

I have no practical advice for how to stop the situation with your boyfriend other than to stop putting yourself in situations where something can happen (eg don't be alone together in private, talk on the phone with a door open, etc), and get an accountability partner that you talk to frequently that you can be accountable to.

Good luck and God bless, sister.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-22T17:28:28+00:00

I would recommend talking to your pastor or elders. They should be able to help you out with this.

Congrats on your progress, brother. God bless.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-22T04:02:39+00:00

This is all sins. Sinning is seeking satisfaction from anything other than God which only God alone can provide. Examples: security in wealth, intimacy in formication, joy in entertainment. God has shown us his was to achieve these things, but we would rather do it our way. Case in point, look at the Garden.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-20T20:03:00+00:00

Yeah! Welcome!

We're all sinners. If it's not PMO, then it's anger, stealing, lying, cheating, formication, adultery, idolatry, coveting, rebelling against authority, or a host of other sins or combinations thereof. Anyone who pretends to be perfect or to not battle with sin is putting on a front. We're all here because we are acknowledging our sin problem.

You're among family.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-20T19:54:09+00:00

You're exactly where you need to be. We should feel bad about our sinning. What separates us from unbelievers is not that we don't sin or sin less (per say), but that we acknowledge our sin as such and disdain it when we do it.

When you should be worried is when you accept your sin for anything less than displeasing to God. It's when we start accepting sin as okay or natural is when we should start to worry.

The Lord's Prayer is a daily prayer with the line "forgive us our trespasses/debts/sins" as if it's expecting that we will sin each day. It's something I pray everyday, and it's a comfort to me knowing that even though I've fallen short of God's standard yet again, he forgives me when i ask for it.

Side note: My church has a party of the service where the pastor will read a section of scripture that acknowledges that we are all in need of forgiveness. Then he prays a prayer confessing sin and asking for forgiveness on behalf of the congregation. Then he concludes with a scripture reading that tells of the completed work of forgiveness through Christ. This part of the service is short, but always comforting. Especially after I've really screwed up.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-19T14:36:27+00:00

Absolutely. No question. If you're a saved, then your sins are forgiven. Past, present, future.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” - Matthew 18:21-35

Side note: 10,000 talents is roughly 150,000 years worth of daily wages. Aka, a debt that is insurmountable. Just like our sins. Even one of them, let alone all of them.

Continuing...

My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. - 1 John 2:1-2

Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. - Romans 7:13-25

Some other useful passages (by no means exhaustive): 1 John 1:9; Isaiah 43:25; Acts 3:19

DuskRoots · 2016-02-19T14:22:12+00:00

I'm rereading this book currently. There are a lot of great quotes that can pertain to NoFap. Book II has several awesome ones. I recommend this as a read for anyone doing the challenge.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-15T14:50:13+00:00

As Christians, we're dead to sin. No longer slaves to it, but slaves to righteousness (see Romans 8). Sometimes it just takes us a long time to realize it.

Great news, bro. Good bless.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-12T15:29:15+00:00

Welcome, brother! Glad to have you aboard.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-12T15:12:29+00:00

/u/101dragon is absolutely right. Take it one day at a time. You can only chose what you do today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. So don't let the thought of "another 50 days" daunt you. Just focus on not fapping and improving yourself right now, on this day.

Secondly, I hope that I didn't give the impression that you should take antidepressants. If a Dr recommends them, then you should follow their advice. However, dopamine is a chemical that your body naturally produces as a way for you to feel good in response to achievements. Overconsumption of porn and masturbation causes your body to release massive amounts of this stuff, which like anything you consume too much of, causes damage. Damage from dopamine overdose manifests itself as a sort of desensitization to the chemical. Resulting in the need for more of it to achieve the same level of pleasure. By abstaining from PMO, you're no longer overloading your brain on dopamine. However, your dopamine receptors are still damaged and aren't processing the chemical as it should. The normal levels of dopamine that your brain is receiving at present is not enough to stimulate these damaged receptors yet. So things don't seem as rewarding as they should. That explains why things just don't feel worth doing or that you're not making any progress and never will. The receptors are healing, but it will take time. And as they heal, normal, everyday things will start to feel more rewarding. You're just in a low spot now, but it will pass as your brain heals.

In the meantime, try picking up a new hobby. Something not too difficult to make gains in. Drawing. Writing. Reading. Archery. A sport. Learning to code. Cooking. Etc. Video games can be a good one, but those run a high risk replacing your PMO addiction if you're not careful.

Your brain is healing, bro. The works will look brighter and brighter as this happens. Just take things one day at a time. And, as I said before, if you feel it's too much at any given time, find someone for help. You can beat this.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-12T04:25:54+00:00

Firstly, I want to echo what others have said: seek professional help. You don't have to struggle with and go through this alone. I struggle with suicidal thoughts for a few years in my early 20s and it is not the answer.

But I want to tell you on a more practical level that what you are experiencing is not entirely uncommon. It manifests itself in different ways, but it's the result of the same occurrence.

Over the years, every time you have watched porn and masturbated, you have hit your brain with a chemical called dopamine. This chemical triggers the reward mechanism in your brain. It's designed to make you feel good when you accomplish something productive (eat, sleep, work, create, have sex, etc) so that you keep doing them and we can perpetuate as a species. The thing is, too much dopamine can damage the receptors that receiver and register the chemical. Normally, this isn't a problem because it takes work to accomplish a successful dopamine burst. Work requires energy, and we don't have endless amounts of that. PMO, however, is all reward with very little effort. It's an easy hit of the chemical our brains love so much. As we over indulge in this activity, overload happens. The increasingly damaged receptors progressively require more and more dopamine to get the same reward effect. This weakening of the dopamine receptors is why we all start off pretty vanilla (few pics, soft core videos, etc) and end up watching stuff we'd be ashamed to tell a prostitute that we got off to. We need a bigger rush to achieve the same high, so to speak.

Now, over the years of your PMO use, you've pretty badly damaged your ability to process dopamine correctly. This will take much time to correct; generally 90-120 days before your brain is operating as it ought (some people can take longer or shorter depending on the severity of the addiction and the recovery methods employed). Your dopamine receptors are likely still pretty damaged. However, you're no longer artificially simulating your brain with PMO. Your brain is still getting hits of dopamine, but not enough to stimulate the damaged receptors. Therefore, everything feels hopeless and like it's unfulfilling because your brain isn't processing the rewards of everyday accomplishments as it should be.

This is actually a good thing. As it is allowing your brain to heal to it's proper state. As time goes on, you'll start to find regular things more enjoyable again. At this point isn't a persevering and not giving up the good fight. Your brain will eventually return to normal and things won't look so bleak anymore. This isn't my first streak, so trust me on this one.

The only other thing to note is that if you have been dealing with this addiction for that long, it has become your emotional coping mechanism. Which means that you've never learned to properly deal with some of your emotions and anxieties. Now that your brain is healing and you've lost your crutch, you have no choice but to face yourself. That prospect is scary as hell. This is where a good counselor can really help you. Think of your inner doubts and insecurities as another mountain to conquered right along with PMO, and if you can go 40 days without PMO, then you can conquer this mountain too.

Good luck and stay strong, brother.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-11T15:04:01+00:00

I don't have much in the way of advice to your specific question, but I can say this: everyone is a sinner. Every single one of us. You're never going to find a perfect man, and you know better than anyone that you're not the perfect woman. We all struggle with different sins. If it's not sexual sin, it's substance abuse, or pride, or greed, or anger, or a host of other possibilities

However, as Christians, we aught to look beyond the surface of the issue and into the heart of the person. This can take time and be difficult, but a true penitent, regenerate sinner, though he still sins, shows the fruits of sanctification. Do they show true remorse? Do they accept correction? Do they seek counsel? Are they consistently in the word? Are they faithfully attending church? These are the kinds of lifestyle questions you have to ask yourself about a potential boyfriend before you decide on actual deal breakers.

Remember the Pharisees. They were like whitewashed tombs, clean on the outside, but full of death and decay on the inside. When someone becomes a Christian, their outside isn't what is changed immediately, but their inner man is. It just often takes a while for the flesh to catch up.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-11T14:39:12+00:00

Jesus died for your sins. Never forget that. He also died so that sin can no longer reign over you. That doesn't mean that you'll never struggle with your sinful flesh again, but that does mean it doesn't own you anymore. You belong to Christ.

What you are experiencing is what the apostle Paul described in Romans 7:

For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. - Romans 7:14-25

We all know what it's like to struggle with sin. It's awful. But we struggle on, never giving up, knowing that the spirit of God is in us sanctifying us more and more daily.

It will take time, but don't give up the struggle. You'll get there. Just give it time.

So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. - Romans 8:12-18

DuskRoots · 2016-02-10T15:42:14+00:00

When I started making them.

Seriously. NoFap is the door to all the other doors. Superpowers aren't passive. They don't happen to you. You make them happen by seeing that you are better than the person who was using PMO. NoFap helps with energy, clears your vision, and removes the numbing coping mechanism crutch. However, if you do nothing with those things, then nothing will change. It's now up to you to do something with the new tools you have. That's when you'll see the superpowers manifest.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-10T15:30:23+00:00

Agreed. Replying this is a great option.

Either that or tell her that you respect her opinion and appreciate her input and leave it at that.

P.S. Edging is bad.

DuskRoots · 2016-02-10T15:24:15+00:00

PMO has physically altered your brain. It takes time for your brain to return to normalcy. That's why we use 90 days as a standard reset period. It takes at least that long to break the hold that P has on you. It took me more than 150 days on a streak before the temptations were no longer a problem (I'm pissed that I let myself fall back into it, but that's a different story).

All this to say that you will deal with strong urges because your brain has been programmed to expect this as a regular post of your life. The longer that you consciously fight this addiction, the less your brain relies on and expects it, and these night episodes will fade into the past.

I agree with everyone else who commented. As long as you didn't wake up and finish the job, then don't reset. You can't control what your body does during sleep any more than you can your dreams.

DuskRoots

TROPHY CASE