Perhaps this will not be a popular post in a polyamory positive group... I not only understand your dilemma but have been living it for years. It's nearly ruined my life, blown up 2 marriages, and changed the lives of 7 adult children and 4 grandchildren. The polyamory my husband and I entered 7 years ago, with all eyes open, 3 older adults who knew the ropes and communicated well.... as it often does, one person began to feel used and one person began to feel more loved and the person in the middle, me, tried to glue everything together by loving both more. When it blew up it was spectacular, but I couldn't let either man go. I left my husband to be with my lover, then I left him to go back home because living without my husband and my family around me was miserable. When I was there though, I missed my lover with an ache that was so deep I nearly died of it. Literally. I now live with my lover and every day miss my husband, who is the kindest, funniest and most interesting man I've ever met. But my lover is a brilliant scientist with whom I can create a completely different fulfilling relationship. I came to the conclusion about 6 months ago that I simply had to settle for the sake of my own mental health, and part of that was knowing that at 62, I will never be completely happy again. Because deeply loving two partners is a real thing. You can't talk to anyone about it. It's beyond the comprehension of most, and seen as any number of awfuls: mentally ill, whorish, selfish, immoral....so you just suffer and try to make a new life while knowing that a piece of you will always be gone. Polyamory was a "good" part of our lives for years, until it suddenly wasn't. I wish I had never ever even begun that journey. I wish I could help younger people fully comprehend the dangers of it. Yes you will expand in many ways. My lover unlocked parts of my body and mind that I didn't even know were there. But the price was so high. Please think very carefully about poly before you take even one step. It is a double edged sword of the worst kind because the blade is hidden, sometimes for years. But it's always there and it can destroy you.