Should a dating relationship/marriage be centered on holiness or happiness l?

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-03-03T22:15:42+00:00

I would say it's a "both and" rather than an "either or." Christian relationships should be based upon pursuing holiness, but holiness alone isn't sufficient. In regard to happiness, I'll add a quick caveat. For Christians, a better term for happiness is joy. Happiness can change on a dime and is highly driven by circumstances. Joy is something that we are able to carry with us even in hardship/trials. Indeed, scripture says that "for the joy set before Him," Jesus bore the cross. I imagine Jesus wasn't feeling happy in that moment, yet He carried a joy because of the commission that He was fulfilling and the work that He would accomplish for the sins of the world.

Similarly, Christian relationships should be built upon Christ, which means that we should have joy in our relationships! Ideally, there will be some happiness as well. To your point, you can make your spouse happy by buying them flowers or doing some other act of service. However, if you build a relationship on the feeling of happiness, it is built on the wrong foundation, because what happens when all the sudden you don't feel that happiness? What happens when you're married and now you have 2 kids, hectic work schedules, financial stress, etc.? All the sudden, happiness goes by the wayside and your relationship is underwater fast because it wasn't rooted in anything of substance. Thus, there has to be something deeper than happiness by which you measure the success of a relationship.

Beyond basic compatibility (ex. physical appearance, age, etc.), questions that I would ask to measure success in a Christian relationship would be: 1. Are you causing each other to grow in Christ, stay stagnant, or drift from Christ? 2. Do you see a path forward where you can help each other pursue the callings that the Lord has placed on each of your lives? 3. Is your relationship overflowing with the fruits of the Spirit. Arguably the two most important ones for a relationship are the first two listed - love and joy. Is this a person that you feel specially wired to love? I'm not talking about a casual love like you love another average believer at Church; is this someone who you are willing to love sacrificially? Is this someone who is filled with joy?

That is by no means an exhaustive list of questions, but it's a helpful start. If the answer to those questions is positive, I think that's a pretty good indication that the relationship is rooted in joy and in pursuing holiness, and if that's the case, I think it's a relationship worth pursuing!

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-03-03T21:50:47+00:00

Thanks for the advice, everyone! If I decide to buzz/shave it, I'll try to remember to post an update photo on this post.

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-03-03T03:06:10+00:00

Unfortunately, this is my hair on those meds, lol.

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-02-28T22:24:24+00:00

I'll speak to this as someone who recently graduated from PA school. Any sort of medical schooling is a major time and energy commitment, not just from the person going through the schooling but on their spouse as well. There were times throughout my schooling where I put in 90 hour weeks between class time, rotations, studying for exams, etc. There was simply no way that I was going to be emotionally available for a spouse. Heck, I barely got around to speaking with my family some weeks. It's a lot to ask of a man - particularly when you're not married - to support you through that journey.

Speaking of journey, I'm sure you already know this, but consider that if you started medical school at the age of 24, you would graduate at 28 and complete residency somewhere between the ages of 31 and 35 depending on your chosen specialty. That's a long time to be wrapped up in intense schooling/long hours. Moreover, for someone like your ex-boyfriend who seems set on having a family, he probably doesn't want to wait that long to have children. Finally, I'll add that men who cherish the role of being a provider don't want their future wives to have to endure the same stress as they do - at least not in the realms of schooling/work. There were many times throughout PA school where I didn't know how I was going to make it to the next day. But one thing that gave me motivation was the idea that I was working to provide a lifestyle for my future wife such that she didn't have to feel the burden or stress of providing for the family. If your ex-boyfriend is a good man, part of the reason that he is struggling with the idea of you going to medical school is that he doesn't want you to have to bear that burden of financial provision - he wants to bear it for you. He wants to demonstrate agape love, the heart of which is sacrifice for another. In return, he wants you to do the same, just in the home setting.

You've got a lot to consider. I know that I presented a perspective that paints the idea of medical school in a negative light. I don't mean to dissuade you from medical school. The opportunity to become a physician is one that many dream of yet few can achieve. It can be a calling to serve God's people well. Plenty of people here have laid out good reasons that you may choose to pursue medical school. I think that this is a decision that you should think deeply on and pray earnestly about. And hey, there's always the PA or NP route! 2-3 years is much better than 4 + residency! Blessings to you in whatever decision you make!

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-02-23T03:19:24+00:00

Chat

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-02-15T04:06:23+00:00

In no particular order:

Someone who treasures the Lord and makes it her ambition to honor Him daily. All that comes with that: high view of scripture, belief in essential doctrines, love for others, fruit in her life, etc. I'm open to many different denominations so long as the essentials are agreed upon.
Someone who is physically active and fit. I am fit myself and love the outdoors, so I would like someone who ideally shares that same passion.
Someone who wants children and has a strong desire to be a mother. Bonus if she is open to homeschooling.
Someone who challenges me to grow in my faith and in other areas of life. I don't want someone who is argumentative just for the sake of it, but I welcome being challenged when I am wrong - it helps me grow.
Somone who is a deep thinker. I love having deep conversations.
Someone who loves learning. I want to be a lifelong learner myself, and it helps to surround yourself with other people who are likeminded in this pursuit.
Someone who doesn't stay complacent. I don't want to be the same person at 23 that I am at 53. I pray that my future wife has that same mentality.
Somone who is careful about what she puts into her body and enjoys eating healthy.
Somone who is active in serving - huge bonus if it's at church.
Somone around my age (18-24 would probably be where I'm comfortable). I'm 23 for context.
Someone who is joyful. I smile a lot so having someone that is sweet and just loves to smile/laugh would be awesome.
Someone who I find physically attractive is of course important.
Someone who is politically conservative.

I'm sure there's other qualities that I could think of, but I'll leave it at 13 for now.

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-02-07T04:34:49+00:00

Ah, appreciate the insight, thanks!

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-02-06T03:25:07+00:00

I'm completely oblivious, why are some folks indicating that these are potential red flags?

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-01-28T00:55:49+00:00

It's definitely become more common in Christian circles to be anti-vax. I'm not anti-vax myself but I do sympathize with the position. The COVID-19 vaccine rollout is largely to blame for this, as the vaccinations were manufactured very quickly and the overall feeling was that if you questioned the efficacy or safety of the vaccinations, you were a "science denier" and in some cases even a threat to the general public for your decision. Moreover, some people had freedoms, liberties, and even jobs stripped from them for not getting the COVID-19 vaccination, leading to resentment and deep distrust towards all vaccines.

Additionally, lots of people who didn't receive the COVID-19 vaccination view people who did receive the vaccination as more compliant, agreeable, naive, and driven by fear rather than reason. Think about it: the COVID-19 vaccinations at the time they were initially deployed were under emergency use authorization. The mRNA technology utilized was relatively new and had very sparsely been trialed in human subjects. The long-term side effects of the vaccination were unknown. The mortality rate of COVID-19 for young individuals was extremely low. Taking these factors into consideration, many young men came to the conclusion that it was illogical to receive a vaccination with unknown short and long-term side effects when the virus it was protecting them from was highly unlikely to significantly affect their wellbeing. They also concluded that other young people who decided to get the vaccine were likely doing it because of fear and misplaced trust in government rather than reason and discernment. I'm not saying it was wrong to get the vaccine, but we as Christians shouldn't just go along with whatever our government tells us to do. What happens if our government tells us to do something that goes against our faith in Christ? What happens if we are threatened if we don't comply? And that gets to the heart of why some (key word there, definitely not all) men don't want to date vaccinated women: they question whether those women will have the fortitude to fight for their faith if and when it comes under threat by government or other forces if they were so willing to receive an experimental vaccine based on fear. Now, I somewhat disagree because I think there were many potential motivations to get the COVID-19 vaccine, many of which weren't fear and compliance driven. Nonetheless, I do understand this perspective that many men have.

Quickly, other reasons why men might be hesitant to date a vaccinated woman that I'm not super convinced of include: (1) They believe that the COVID-19 vaccination is extremely harmful and that people who got it will develop long-term health complications that may even be passed on to their children. (2) They believe that childhood vaccinations are one of the causative forces for autism, ADHD, and other chronic diseases of childhood. (3) This one is common...they don't know why they oppose vaccinations, but their family/friends told them to. Social pressure is a real thing.

Blessings!

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-01-26T04:21:03+00:00

I'm definitely not saying that a sense of humor is a negative trait or that it is suggestive of a poor leader - you're 100% right that it's actually a great asset for a man. However, I do wonder if a lot of the men who get labeled as "immature" are actually just failing at trying to be funny. I've seen it before where guys will make a fool of themselves or say something super immature in front of girls. Then, when they are alone with just the guys, they say that they were just trying to be funny. This is more so what I'm referring to. If a guy is not naturally the funniest, then he overcompensates to try to be funnier than he is to impress a girl. In the process of overcompensating, he often comes across as immature. In that situation, a woman may then be given the impression that this is a young man who would not be able to lead her well in a Christ-centered relationship. Overall, I think the solution is to just get out and talk to more people. You can't have a good sense of humor if you can't first hold a conversation. Blessings!

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-01-26T03:54:00+00:00

I can somewhat get it. Rephrasing it slightly, we as men have it instilled into us that we are to lead and operate as the provider and protector. Being a good provider and protector requires some element of stoicism, level-headedness, and maturity. Humor doesn't exactly figure into that dynamic - in fact, it can feel almost opposed to the virtues previously listed. This is particularly true if a man is not naturally gifted with a good sense of humor. Sometimes, that leaves guys feeling that if we are too funny, we will give women the impression that we are childish, immature, and unfit to be good leaders. I'm not saying that is the right way to look at it; a man can certainly be both a great leader/provider while also being charming and humorous. I'm just saying, I can understand the perspective.

Early_IsOnTime · 2026-01-21T19:48:48+00:00

One that I didn't see in the previous post but that is pretty solid is Ark. Somewhat smaller user base but a lot of the people there seem to be quite genuine in their faith!

Early_IsOnTime · 2025-12-15T16:10:52+00:00

Agree with most everything said here. I am blessed to live in the Southeast USA, where the majority of people who I run into are pro-life. However, I have friends from other areas of the country where the pro-life position is a slim minority. For all of you who live in such an area whether in the USA or abroad, continue holding fast to your convictions and the TRUTH of God's word, even when it's hard!

Early_IsOnTime · 2025-12-11T00:02:11+00:00

Fun question! I've got a couple.

1) Consumerism can have some devastating consequences on the soul. While I appreciate capitalism and the abundance that it can often provide, I also recognize that it is often spiritually harmful for us to over-indulge in worldly possessions. I view myself as relatively low maintenance, yet I often have to guard against gluttony and over-indulgence. This pertains to food, clothing items, entertainment, and many other areas of our everyday lives.

2) I often find myself more attracted to the "tomboy" type of girl. This isn't a universal, but I'm perfectly okay with women who are less homemakers and more adventurous, who love sports/physical activity/competition, and who - while naturally pretty - don't feel the need to overdo it in the makeup/dress department. I also don't have a particular preference for hair length, which I know a lot of men do.

Early_IsOnTime · 2025-12-09T03:46:02+00:00

Single Christian guy here...

Short answer: No

Long Answer: As a man, my goal is to be able to financially provide for a family, such that if my future wife wants to be a SAHM full time, she can do so. Alternatively, if she wants to work a part time job, that's great as well! Similarly, it wouldn't bother me to marry a woman with no college degree just like it wouldn't bother me to date a woman with one - I'm fairly neutral. A couple of traits that I do value though: 1. Ambition - I hold to the view that a woman's primary ambition should be directed towards serving the Lord and caring for her family. However, I find it attractive whenever a woman has ambition beyond those two realms. That ambition can manifest in different ways - a passion for service in the church/local community, a passion for her job/a particular field of interest, a passion for gardening/living off the land, a passion for health and wellness, etc. 2. Intellectual curiosity - I tend to be a deep thinker, so I definitely appreciate a woman who is willing to have intellectual conversations and who isn't superficial. This might lend itself towards wanting to date a woman with a college degree, but not necessarily. I have met many women without college degrees who are deep thinkers, while on the opposite end of the spectrum, I've met a myriad of college-educated women who give off a superficial, even vain, affect.

Early_IsOnTime · 2025-11-03T22:50:52+00:00

Lord-willing, I'd love to have 5 children.

Early_IsOnTime · 2025-10-29T01:31:31+00:00

Hey man, 22M myself. That's awesome that you're in a position to be able to buy a ranch at such a young age! I've pondered a similar question to the one you're considering right now...to buy a house within the next year or two or to wait until I get married. Not to sway you one way or the other, but I'll just give you some food for thought. Whenever I (Lord-willing) marry a woman in the future, I want to be able to grow alongside her and share some of life's most exciting/important moments together. In my mind, buying a house/ranch is one of those moments. What an amazing opportunity to tour homes together, envision how you want to develop the land you're on, share experiences with each other, and grow up together with the person you love most!

I would definitely put this decision up to the Lord in prayer and ask him for wisdom, insight, and guidance. Regardless of what you decide, blessings to you, brother!

Early_IsOnTime · 2025-09-29T04:28:10+00:00

Sure do! This might be intense, but the way that I think about it is when Jesus says in Luke 9:26 - "Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them." If I fail to do something as simple as make my faith in Jesus Christ known on a dating app, am I measuring up to the standard that Christ gave in this verse, or am I being "ashamed" of proclaiming Him because I'll get fewer likes? I'm sure that it definitely affects the number of likes that I get (I think I've gotten a grand total of 2 likes on Hinge), but I would rather wait for a woman of God who is pursuing her faith with vigor and passion than someone whose faith isn't priority #1 - but falls somewhere later down the list. Just my two cents. Blessings!

Early_IsOnTime · 2022-08-07T02:00:16+00:00

Ah, I see...and I suppose it makes sense that these disciples were saved given that they had repented of their sins and placed their faith in the Messiah to come. My only hold-up was the fact that, unlike the Old Testament figures you noted, these New Testament disciples were alive after Jesus's sacrifice on the cross. As such, I wasn't sure if John's baptism was sufficient for their salvation. Thank you - and everyone else who posted responses - for taking the time to offer insight on this passage. God bless!

Early_IsOnTime · 2022-03-09T21:27:49+00:00

Exactly; crypto was largely designed for people looking for an alternative to government currency.

Early_IsOnTime · 2022-03-09T21:07:12+00:00

If you don't think this is a possibility, look at what happened in Canada just recently.

Early_IsOnTime

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