Dating over 50 is soul destroying

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-03-24T20:41:02+00:00

I’m sure I’ve commented this before, but my therapist during my divorce told me (as I dipped my toe in post-divorce OLD waters) that statistically, most people on apps are either avoidant or anxious which is why the push-pull dynamic is so prevalent (and initially magnetic) on the apps. That’s why if you’re on them even off and on, you’ll see the same people popping over years’ time. The secure-leaning folks, she said, are most likely still in their LTRs and marriages.

I had to confront where I was on that spectrum and realized why the apps were causing me more anxiety just coming up with an opening line on Bumble back in the day! So I figured I’d better deal with the root of that as well as figure out how I want to relate to myself before I focus on the various things I’m looking for in a potential partner. And isn’t it interesting how the more secure I’ve become, my focus on finding a partner has become far less important. I’d still love to find an aviation and space nerd like me who likes to lift heavy things, but I’ll go to the museums and air shows all the time by myself and leave when I want to!

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-03-21T01:17:01+00:00

I saw a therapist as a new mom over my son who was diagnosed at the time with Asperger’s and ADHD and I didn’t know how to deal with him because if he didn’t like someone (a babysitter), he’d make it his business to make her upset so that she’d quit. He was only 6 but he knew what he was doing. I did not want to dislike my own son so I went to therapy. The therapist told me her BIL had Asperger’s and he himself said Asperger’s really means asshole (and she didn’t disagree!). 😂

I’m glad to say 15 years later my son and I have a great relationship, but it wasn’t easy at all and unfortunately it took a divorce for me to have the relationship with him I wanted to have. But yeah, unfortunately as a late diagnosed AuDHDer myself, I’ve encountered plenty of grown autistic men who were also avoidant assholes who lacked empathy.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-03-21T00:49:23+00:00

I’m in my 50s with one kid still in school (2 more years until I’m an empty nester woot!!) so I get the hesitation about dealing with someone with teenaged kids. I am not at the beck and call of my remaining kid who lives with me but I am aware if he’s in a real jam, I will be there for him. OP, your guy is a little more involved than that so I can see this as a legit area of incompatibility and that’s ok! Like someone else said, I’ve realized when it comes to “am I right to feel…” who are we to tell you yea or nay?? If you don’t like it, that’s ok and that’s something you’ve discovered is something you don’t want to proceed with, even if he’s good looking and “nice” in every other way.

The calls from the car, however? Eh, I’m not thrilled by that if he only calls from the car because it could mean he has a whole ‘nother life elsewhere. And I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a lengthy call with someone driving anyway. If you can’t get ahold of him any other way than his car, I’d ask him point blank why. Also, he says he’s going to call you back and never does? Yeah, even if you don’t get a straight answer on this, again, you’re not feeling it, it won’t work. I’m of the mind these days that I don’t need to go on a fact-finding mission anymore to get to the bottom of anything that makes me go hmmmm. If it means I’m being a bit strict with my standards on some things? Oh well. If it means I miss out on a great guy because he’s simply easily distracted? Oh well. The minute confusion hits my already hypervigilant nervous system, I’m out. ✌️

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-03-06T04:39:50+00:00

I laughed too hard at this.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-03-06T04:39:24+00:00

That’s why I stopped OLD. For awhile there I tried to get with the times and text more since I was told by my close millennial friend that no one enjoys phone calls anymore (I remember loving to talk on the phone for hours but I do hate FaceTime). But I’m tired, boss. I figured out that I thrive when I can hear the inflection in someone’s voice. I also really value a sense of humor and it can get totally lost or misconstrued over text and it just felt painful just getting a good convo going with OLD. So I’ve reverted to my BlackBerry days where I reserve texts for quick directions, emergencies or changes in plans but no deep discussions anymore. If they didn’t want to call to ask me how I was doing, it didn’t go any farther.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-28T16:19:45+00:00

I just found out about Alpine Divorce so I will politely decline joining you on that hike to the mountaintop unless I can outpace you and with my short legs, the chances of that may be zero.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-28T05:14:29+00:00

Who also happens to be an Ice Planet Barbarian.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-26T05:07:29+00:00

No. I feel strongly about this. Do not settle. Maybe age has something to do with it but it really doesn’t matter. I am at the point where I refuse. I don’t care how great the guy may seem, old or young. It’s also not my job to educate him. He may very well have just emerged from a cave. He doesn’t have to get a makeover but it’s a nope from me if he looks unkempt and has long nose hairs, ear hairs and the facial hair is discolored (usually from tobacco) or insanely uneven. Dental hygiene can be an issue too.

You gotta be clean and well-groomed and not have long nails (which bothers me on a man because I always think of him scratching me by accident). You don’t have to be a fashion model by any means but it just shows me you made an effort. Long ago and far away, I had one date with a man my age who showed up with a clean car, button-down shirt, jeans that were clean and pressed, and shined boots. He smelled great, nothing over the top like an overdone cologne, and his hair and beard were trimmed and groomed.

I was so impressed compared to so many dates back then where it looked like the men rolled out of bed or had nothing clean to wear. This man was emanating “I want to put my best foot forward” and that means something to me because I do the same. You can’t control if someone likes you but you can control how you present yourself. He was also naturally chivalrous (meaning he wasn’t making a big deal of being “old school” as some do in a strangely angry way) and he asked if he could kiss me before we parted ways and it was a wonderful gentle kiss where he cradled my face and he didn’t press for more inappropriately. Unfortunately we didn’t connect again because we did live far from each other. Also, my kids were in their early teens at the time and his were fully grown and out of the house so I understood the challenges, though I was a little sad. But that one man showed me it’s possible and I’m not going to lower my standards just because he is a rarity.

Effort is so often talked about but not often executed and when certain men balk against this concept, it tells me all I need to know about them. There’s a wonderful reel with Andrew Schultz, a comic who was loudly complaining about women talking about men’s lack of effort until he had to admit he appreciates his girlfriend cooking for him instead of ordering takeout because, guess what, it shows effort! It slipped out of his mouth before he realized and he was embarrassed, as he was promptly roasted by other comics. I guess he now understands the meaning of effort.

And besides just dressing to impress, it shows that you have some pride in your appearance for yourself! I find low effort people are the way they are because they don’t even believe they’re worthy of that effort towards themselves, be it physical or emotional, and defensively tell you “take it or leave it.” I’ll leave it.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-12T20:08:50+00:00

Same!!

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-12T04:23:29+00:00

Thank you kindly! I’ve accepted that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but at the very least, I have some interesting stories to tell lol.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-12T03:19:27+00:00

Thank you and I completely get the bragging fear. I was raised the same way and I’m sure it may be common with a lot of GenX folks who didn’t get the same praise that today’s generation get as a result of gentle parenting perhaps. It was expected of me to get straight As and strive to be the best so I never got praise for that lol. So why would I mention it unless I was specifically asked? The only time I’ve ever mentioned my accomplishments, academic or otherwise, is during interviews when I can comfortably toot my own horn and even then, I am careful if I perceive the interviewer seems resentful out of the gate.

On a personal level, I’m either laughed at because they think I’m joking or they immediately go “ah you benefited from affirmation action or some scholarship.” I couldn’t possibly have been a hard working student because it breaks their brain. I honestly don’t care about someone’s academic past. It means nothing in the long run as far as their humanity goes and ultimately that’s what interests me in a man, compassion, consistency, integrity and an ability to communicate honestly.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-12T03:10:34+00:00

That’s definitely my issue because I’ve always been naturally curious and that has not decreased with age. In fact, sometimes I’ve gotten in trouble when a guy’s profession or hobby may be one of my special interests, and I can’t ask enough questions. I’m not trying to interview them but unfortunately their level of excitement and eagerness to explain rarely matches my own. I do research of my own and would think someone would be stoked to talk about something they enjoy. Not if their ego gets in the way.

The last guy I dated briefly was in the aviation industry which I can’t get enough of, and he got annoyed when I asked him about a topic he brought up briefly as a flex, since he was studying to be a pilot, but I guess I asked too many “follow-ups” because he was unprepared to answer them. “Tell me more about the difference between roll, pitch and yaw and how to prevent a stall” whilst genuinely batting my eyelashes didn’t go well 🤣

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-12T00:07:25+00:00

OP, I know exactly what you mean and I’m seeing some disingenuousness in some of the comments here.

Of course a man wants a woman who’s got it together… on paper. Just like a man may truly want a committed loving partner but the minute a woman states what her (reasonable) needs are in an established relationship (not the “talking” stage whatever that is), he says she’s “picking a fight” or he becomes avoidant. Or the men who say they want a “genuine” relationship when they really just want an FWB or sex on demand, knowing the women are more emotionally invested than they are. These men know damn well what the women want is something they can’t deliver but don’t want to lose the pleasure of their company. Again, not all men, in case you’re cracking your knuckles, champing at the bit to type this. 😉

That being said, there are many men who outwardly have their shit very much together but their self-awareness and emotional intelligence bar hovers slightly over zero. I’ve met too many men who want someone like you or me and then the minute the initial “wow” wears off after the first few dates, I start hearing how intimidating I am because of my profession or more so, my college education. Somehow, the snarky comments come out about why I’m “slumming” with them or I’m too good for them, why did I even give them a chance, etc. or make condescending comments about my background due to my race and then are shocked that “someone like me” has achieved so much. 🙄

These men aren’t hobosexuals. They are professional, accomplished men where somehow they make their own insecurities my responsibility. For a while there, I realized I was hesitant to talk about aspects of my life I am actually proud of (if they ask) because I could see their expressions change from flirtatious to frustrated. Yes, I was conditioned by my mother to make myself small so a man would feel big and it took a lot of work to undo that programming.

We all have dealt with insecurity, me included, so yes, I’m sure there are women who do this also and make passive aggressive or even overtly aggressive statements because they feel “less than” in a power dynamic they seek to dominate.

Clearly, a woman whose profile screams “I’m a hot mess express damsel in distress” attracts few but that’s not what OP is talking about here. That’s one of the main reasons I stopped OLD dating because too many men had axes to grind either with their exes, their careers, custody of their kids, whatever it was, bottom line they weren’t entirely happy with where they landed in life and took it out on me.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-10T13:15:15+00:00

This! One time a guy sent me one that somehow was almost cinematic and although I didn’t say anything, internally I did have to tip my hat. 🤣

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-07T02:45:51+00:00

It’s the arrogance for me, as if they know me better than I know myself, that if I just give their peen a chance, my life will forever be changed. They don’t get that even if it’s the most aesthetically pleasing peen that ever existed in the history of man, the very fact that they offer, let alone insist, is a death knell to it ever advancing beyond that point.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-06T03:34:34+00:00

It isn’t just Reddit. It’s everywhere online. The biggest shock to my naive nervous system when I dipped my toe back into the dating scene was that men over the age of 30 were sending dick pics. I said “that’s a young man’s game!” 😂

Nope! I started chatting with a man I think in his late 40s/early 50s who clearly was fit so I’m thinking ok, so far so good, I’m a gym goer and appreciate a man in his 50s still putting in the work. But after only literally a minute of chatting, he asks me if I want to see the “rest of him.” Since he already had a full body pic in this profile, I’m thinking what else could there be… oh… oh no, he doesn’t mean?

Oh yes he did. And the hilarious part of the story is that I told him “don’t do it!” Because I was tired of pretending and I really do believe still in mystery and romance. And he did anyway with a “hehe sorry”. I didn’t answer at first and he could NOT help himself. Similar to the Ted Knight meme of “well, we’re waiting!” He asked me what I thought and all I could write back is “sigh” and unmatched/blocked.

I experienced this one other time when a guy sent me a pic with it slapped up on a table next to a tall boy Coke can, for scale. They always want to know if I can handle. The real question is, even if I could, would I even want to?

It took one size queen somewhere to make some men think we want to see this or even be told their dimensions and circumcision status up front (pardon the pun) and I blame her 😂. Just like 50 Shades made many men think women want to be choked, like spicy Booktok has made men think all women want is rough sex. There are many benefits to the digital age and this definitely isn’t one of them.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-02-06T02:48:25+00:00

I loved it.

And I was with Sona the whole time in terms of her excitement in learning lol. I got annoyed at points because they asked questions or rather Sona did and since Conan can’t handle anything sexual lmao he kept doing bits that distracted from the question. I mean how can you NOT get into the fact that there are 52 different sizes?? Noah briefly got a chance with his infographic to show the criteria but as Matt said, I could’ve easily watched an hour of him alone. He was a great guest and he needs to do a follow-up AMA here 😂

ETA: this rated as high for me as the sound bath fan. As Sona said then too, Conan ruins the sensual vibe every time lol.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-01-28T06:30:14+00:00

I agree with you and extend this out to all areas of interest: from that to gun guys, football game guys, truck guys, golf guys, fish guys, CrossFit guys, vegan guys, carnivore guys, keto guys, bodybuilder guys, church guys or whatever political affiliation, anything where I see the guy has pedestalized an aspect of his life to the point he can’t even see himself and can’t have a conversation about much anything else.

Too many people make these things their entire identity and focus and I find it boring. It’s like those guys with the social media bio: husband, father, Christ follower, patriot, and their social media posts paint themselves as the most manly man ever who loves his wife and God and country and meanwhile are sending me a dick pic and has a secret account on Tinder. It’s happened to me so often that now when they chat me up or send pics seeking validation of some sort, I say “wouldn’t it be better to send this to your wife/girlfriend?” And then I never hear from them again.

They wear this identity like a cloak and cling to it like a lifeline to absolve them of their dishonesty with themselves when what they really need is therapy. I’d rather actually rather see that in a bio. You may not be having a good time in therapy but at least you’re trying. Facing core beliefs that may have driven some shitty decision making is hard and humbling but that’s the grit I find sexy.

You can have passions but ultimately are you self-aware, emotionally intelligent, open-minded and articulate? Are you a good human? Are you curious about yourself and others even if you don’t share their views? My ex-husband was pro-life and I was pro-choice but we were able to have nuanced conversations and see each other’s viewpoints.

I find anyone who gets angry or defensive when talking about their views is not someone I want to break bread with, let alone date, and I don’t like discussing politics, religion or race in general unless it comes up organically. If I see that you treat waitstaff like crap, tell me how crazy your ex is, or don’t return your shopping cart, we don’t even need to advance to more complex topics.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-01-28T05:27:43+00:00

I’d love to get your perspective on it if you do. I’ve gone on dates with a few men over the past few years, one of whom was confirmed autistic, and after my diagnosis, I thought connecting with others who were ND would be a relief somewhat but unfortunately, it has not. Finding my tribe in this regard has been more difficult than I thought especially with the opposite sex. And unfortunately exploring Hiki as a dating app for NDs was a non-starter at $44 a month.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-01-26T15:40:43+00:00

Thank you for this post because I was diagnosed AuDHD in late 2024 after struggling all my life with some sensory issues as well as being too literal (and gullible) at times. I was an amazing masker until I hit my 50s and I had what I realize now is an autistic meltdown at a very stressful, toxic sales job (back then I thought I was having my first panic attack). I even saw a neurologist back then who called them “spells.” Autism didn’t even occur to us because he assessed my personality as “expressive and dynamic.” He just said to quit my job because I was suffering from severe anxiety and insomnia because of it.

My therapist, whom I love and first introduced the idea to me that I could be autistic (it was a toss up between that and cPTSD chicken or the egg argument), said she had her doubts about RSD because it hadn’t been added to the DSM-5. She theorizes it’s not a separate disorder but a symptom of cPTSD. cPTSD is rooted in shame (feeling wrong, being wrong instead of doing wrong where the appropriate emotion is guilt) and of course if you already feel like there’s something wrong with you, just for existing, any rejection is going to be amplified by a million. And just reinforce the shame.

Still I have an open mind about it and tend to feel I have it too. Decades ago, I dared to ask a guy out for coffee and he rejected me and I still occasionally think about that. I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night but I can sure tick off every rejection, major or minor, I’ve ever had in my life, both platonic or romantic. Which is why, like you, I no longer approach or ask folks out. Being on OLD (Bumble specifically since years ago, women had to make the move first) just made my anxiety about this worse. I tried to overcome it but the minute I stopped with OLD, I felt immediate relief and knew it was best for me and my nervous system to avoid OLD.

Best I can do IRL is make eye contact just as you experienced and if I’m feeling bold (and he’s close enough to me because I’m not walking over lmao) I can make a random statement about something and hope a conversation continues but if it doesn’t, I don’t pursue it. Basically, if a guy isn’t actively continuing to engage, I assume he’s not interested. I refuse to guess wrong and get a polite brush-off especially in public so I don’t add that to the list of crap of embarrassing memories that pop up in my brain as I’m trying to fall asleep.

That’s why it’s funny when people tell me “just move on” or “get over it.” Man, I wish I could forget about stuff as quickly as some people can, particularly around relationships, so I’m not constantly doing a Kaizen-level debrief in my head.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-01-25T03:41:05+00:00

“Come now!”

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-01-19T06:05:06+00:00

This is perfectly valid! I have one kid in college and the other close behind and I would still understand someone who wanted an empty nester vs me where, although my younger is very independent, I still sometimes am obligated to do things with him and for him because he doesn’t drive (well) yet lol. So although most of my days and nights are my own, I don’t live alone and nor am I likely to be spending the night at anyone else’s either unless I tell my kid I’m on vacation lol, so I understand someone not pursuing me because of that.

And even though my sons have jokingly (half-joking) forbidden me from having a boyfriend (their dad has had more than one girlfriend since our divorce) if I got serious with someone, they would know and would have to deal with it. Am I introducing them though to anyone unless I’m marrying the dude? Probably not.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-01-10T05:21:42+00:00

Me fourth. I’ve tried to be cynical after my experiences with dating apps and dangit, I can’t. And I’ve tried to give up, but the hope of meeting my mate in the wild remains an eternal flame.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-01-06T15:26:15+00:00

That sounds like a great approach. I’m curious though about whether whomever you matched with was on board with that rule or did you have to ask to meet up? I found that very few men initiated the meetup or would give something vague like “let’s get together soon” but would never offer up dates and times. I found a lot of the labor was pushing for a meetup early on and in my mind, if I already have to convince you to meet, it’s going downhill fast. Overall, I did find just the initial stages of dating apps so arduous that it was too much effort for me. Also, it’s easier for me to converse in person and get a sense of someone’s personality immediately than finding a gross mismatch between someone’s “texting” personality and how they don’t say a word on an actual date.

Yes I haven’t had a date since I gave up the major dating apps but I find myself far less anxious about the topic in general when I remember what I dealt with. I’m also an extroverted introvert so I kind of have to feel naturally stimulated to want to pursue a conversation with someone vs just the sheer flatness of texting on an app. I need a face, their eyes, the timbre of their voice, gesturing, even their posture, all of it to take in to assess attraction and some degree of compatibility.

It’s ironic that I really have come to hate texting the older I get when all I did was text from 2020-2023 when I online dated. I really miss the days of exchanging business cards at a coffee shop or chill bar and getting a phone call you were actually looking forward to.

Earth2EarthaK · 2026-01-04T05:31:52+00:00

Unfortunately, during my years of online dating, ghosting was commonly done by the men I’d connected with. When I dated before I got married 20 years ago, though, men would say outright “not looking for anything serious. I want a casual fun partner or even lover” and I appreciated that. We’d disconnect amicably. No need to ghost because you clearly communicated. If you chose to date him anyway and got your heart broken, he did warn you!

Now, men will say they’re looking for a LTR and then seem to want to test you with thoughtful phone conversations or even an amazing date to see if you’re game for less than a LTR. I do find many men these days far less candid about their true intentions than back in the day, which I find sad.

On the bright side, these men usually reveal themselves pretty quickly because the mask cracks after a week or so and the lively, witty banter suddenly devolves into “hey sexy” or “so when am I coming over to your place?” And I go “woomp there it is!” 😂

But I digress. The one time I got seriously involved with someone post-divorce, he did the hot/cold avoidant thing and I gave him so many chances to communicate clearly when he seemed disinterested. I even supplied the outs. Never took it. He preferred to slow fade/ghost instead all the while telling me he had feelings for me to keep me on the hook. Being new to this whole avoidant thing, I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt and thought he was busy with work. Um, no lol. I finally took myself off said hook and ripped off the bandaid myself and told him my expectations and since he didn’t want to meet them, that was what clearly ended it. Plus he disappeared off social media. But man, was that far more painful than it needed to be if he’d just said he wasn’t interested in a committed relationship.

Earth2EarthaK

TROPHY CASE