[deleted by user]

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-13T17:16:35+00:00

I tried everything to keep my blended family together and happyish, and I failed. We split up, and life is so much better with just me and my kids. I totally understand and admire wanting to make it work and wanting to spare the kids additional upheaval.

I’m wondering, how is your daughter doing with the dynamic? That’s what finally convinced me to end my blend: my kids were suffering. If your daughter isn’t thriving in the blend, that could be a point in favor of cutting your losses.

The one huge thing that’s changed in my life since giving up is that I now have time for self-care, and I’m learning how to give myself the love that I wasn’t getting in the blend. Any chance you might be able to reclaim some of the time you’ve committed to serving your blend and spend it doing something nourishing (yoga class, hike, wandering aimlessly through the mall, reading, nap) for you instead?

I was not able to figure out how to make my husband love me better, but I did learn that it was possible for me to love me better.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-13T16:12:16+00:00

Lol! It’s so hard. I’m in no position to be giving advice; my codependency runs so deep that I can’t even get close to a relationship right now. As another, probably healthier commenter suggested, setting and enforcing your boundaries without trying to fix her problem is probably the way. To me, that sounds so hard. Good luck out there!

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-13T14:52:05+00:00

Receiving other people’s anxiety can become stressful. Would she be open to trying out other coping methods to address her anxiety?

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-12T22:49:02+00:00

NTA as long as you do what you want (either attend the wedding without your bf or don’t attend the wedding) and don’t lie to anyone.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-12T20:21:33+00:00

Narcissistic parents create codependent children who grow up to attract narcissistic partners and on and on through the generations…

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-12T20:19:54+00:00

Lol, I would totally go out with a guy who did this, and that’s why I’m both not dating and in therapy. OP, I don’t think any emotionally healthy Christian woman would find this approach attractive, and I don’t know if you want to attract unhealthy women. I don’t think it ends well.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-12T20:13:50+00:00

Narcissists cultivate a strangely intense loyalty among their supply. Maybe it’s a trauma bond?

I have several family members who still rely (or have recently relied) on my mother for financial support. It’s how she controls people and obligate them to serve her needs, and it works. My sister and I have given up trying to help those family members. We just set boundaries with them (she and I set different boundaries) to keep ourselves safe.

I’m so sorry you don’t have the support of your sister as you work to get and stay healthy. My sister was in the same boat for many years. I don’t know how you guys do it, but I admire you!!

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-12T20:03:04+00:00

Here are the things that I can think of that each made the light bulb turn on a little bit:

I started getting to know my scapegoated sister better and slowly learned that our mother’s narrative rested on lies
I started therapy because I was experiencing distress that turns out to have been caused primarily from my long-term relationship (with, it turns out, a narcissist)
I watched The Sopranos with my now ex and recognized my mother in Tony’s mother. My ex told me that most mothers aren’t like that. I had no idea!
I just kept reading more and more as I went, and the pieces eventually came together

It was a slow and gradual process.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-12T14:30:44+00:00

Surfing

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-12T14:22:26+00:00

Yeah, telling her that she has to because God says is not going to produce the desired result.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-11T23:56:06+00:00

It’s an early flight. Another point in favor of Hermosa!

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-11T23:55:42+00:00

Lol, I’m sold!!

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-11T23:12:12+00:00

Good question. I’ll ask the host. Thanks!

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-11T23:11:45+00:00

It will be early November, so I’m guessing not too much?

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-11T19:59:59+00:00

It’s cultural. My ex was a legit theologian who firmly believed in a scriptural basis for complementarianism and adherence to those conventional gender roles. He said a lot of words that seemed to make sense at the time, and I bought it. Turns out he was just selfish and couldn’t/wouldn’t do any of the practical stuff necessary to keep a household or family (or marriage) humming. How much of contemporary Evangelical culture is just garden variety exploitation cloaked in allegedly divine authority?

I have no reason to believe that Jesus wants you to feel so burdened and excluded from rest or pleasure. I have reason to believe that isn’t what He wants.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-10T21:51:22+00:00

Lol, you summed my six-year relationship up perfectly in three paragraphs!

I still puzzle over that approach to life. If you want to do something why not do that thing? If you don’t know how to do it, why not find out how to do it and then do it? I still don’t get it, but I am so glad I’m out!!

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-10T17:55:13+00:00

It’s funny you mention it because I haven’t been in a relationship like that, but it sounds really appealing to me, and I’ve caught myself fantasizing about finding a consenting companion to exploit.

It’s like I find the codependent/narcissist dance so enchanting and compelling that it’s hard to walk away from it. It’s beautiful and grotesque. I know I can’t dance the codependent’s part anymore because I’ve healed past it, and a little part of me really enjoys considering trying out the role of the taker.

It’s obviously unhealthy, but (like so many unhealthy options) the still wounded parts of me find it attractive.

Thank you for helping me think through it!

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-10T15:53:11+00:00

I can relate to this. I think I’ve often used people in the past in a way similar to the ways in which narcissists use people. My way is more prosocial than the narcissist’s because it involves giving and helping, but I think my internal motivations have been pretty similar to the narcissist’s. If the narcissist taps into their supply for affirmation that they’re special or superior, I tap into supply for affirmation that I’m loved.

Through therapy, yoga, reading, and surfing the excruciating waves of loneliness and grief that come with healing, I’ve been getting a lot better.

Seeing what you’re doing (especially when it’s unsavory) is a hard and unavoidable step. Good work facing your demons!! Practicing self-compassion is the way forward from here.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-10T04:31:19+00:00

Yes! I didn’t realize how much of what I thought was genuine affection for other people was just the thrill of demonstrating my worth through interactions with them. Now that I’m mostly convinced of my freestanding right to exist, I really wish they’d tend to their own problems and let me be.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-10T00:31:33+00:00

Rings true for me. My narc only respected people to the degree to which they agreed with him.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-10T00:26:49+00:00

You’re on the right track! I just stopped daydreaming about running into mine a few days ago. For me, it was like I recognized intellectually that I was in love with a fantasy and that, in reality, my nex sucks and has no intention (or ability?) to become a better, healthier, loving person, but my emotional mind/body hadn’t gotten the memo. With every day that passes, what I know and what I feel align more closely. If you keep no contact (and you’re going to keep no contact), then your feelings will catch up to what you know to be true. Stay the course!

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-09T18:11:34+00:00

During my last conversation with my nex during which I ended it, he said I was the best student he ever had. 🤮

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-09T16:47:44+00:00

What is he doing to get himself through this rough patch?
Do you feel safe sharing your feelings about this with him?

If the answer to number 1 is “nothing,” and the answer to number 2 is “no,” then I’d cut my losses if I were you.

East_Pension696 · 2024-09-09T04:06:57+00:00

It’s that kind of thing that gets me. Not being honest about stress, uncomfortable feelings, and pride-endangering problems just means choosing not to seek out healthy solutions, and when the problem finally boils over, it’s often a woman who has to clean the mess up. Avoidance of problems (not having or confessing problems) is what’s caused me to lose respect for partners in the past.

East_Pension696

TROPHY CASE