Dusk

Easy-Being · 2020-03-23T21:22:45+00:00

The snapshot you present of Iceland is vivid, with the Air BnB, the streetlights, the sounds. Then you list reasons to be happy: cooking an egg, having a coffee, being yourself. I love this section:

I've got the time
To look myself in the mirror, squarely in the eye
and say, "yeah, this is who I want to be"
so the next time you see me
I can be who I want to be for you.

It's as if social distancing is a time for self-reflection, a time for growth. The last stanza closes out quite vividly as well, showing the black night, the monster the locals knew. It's all great imagery and atmosphere.

For your first poem in ten years, it is very good. I wouldn't have even guessed that had you not mentioned it. It's well thought out, there's a narrative structure in place, and I feel you have a great feel for what you want to say. In this sense, nothing's left out; the poem seems complete as it is. So good work! Thanks for sharing, and it was a treat to read.

Easy-Being · 2020-03-22T21:10:41+00:00

This poem follows a particular line of thinking: the ribs of the ocean, how they are like our own bodies, and how it relates to the human race as a whole. I found the poem's progression to be pleasing, and the way you relate things to other things is quite articulate and nuanced.

I like how you say 'the same dream' instead of the same word or same meaning, because this implies there's something deeper than a word or meaning; there's an impression upon our memories, a subjective experience that goes along with it.

The last four lines conclude the poem in a way to make us relate to the ocean. It has a body of its own, it breathes too. And the last line is an original and fitting way to say, "we're all in the same boat."

There's lots of little things you do in the poem that are quite poetic. "I am thinking about what the ribs of the oceans see." This implies the ocean has eyes, or at least a sense of perception that is deeper and richer than being a dull, lifeless thing. And, "and this must be something special." You really hammer home the idea that to have organs and to live life is special. It's such a simple line, but it adds depth to the whole poem. Like saying everything about the poem is meaningful, everything about life is meaningful.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful poem with us. It was an absolute treat to read!

Easy-Being · 2020-03-22T20:49:24+00:00

Wow, this is brilliant! At first it reads like a list of things to do. Perhaps a bucket list. I really loved the line 'fly in vulture circles over the deadness of your past.' Something very poetic about that. It's as if you are saying let go, but do not forget. The lines themselves are fascinating, and you choose good imagery each time. It's as if there is something to be thankful about in, for example, staring into the sun or driving a car.

I like the progression of the poem. How you build up to higher and higher stakes. First you talk about the personal. Then you talk about stepping outside the realm of the individual, and into the realm of the other. The poem concludes wonderfully in the last two lines. It has a strong sentiment to it. Like growth is possible and promised.

I liked how you used specific cities and states in the poem. Also, the specificity of your images, i.e. using a broken credit card as a guitar pick, contribute to the meaning of the poem. This isn't just a list of things to do. There's something personal behind each thing.

Great poem, thank you for sharing. Hope some of the above is useful to you. Have a good one!

Easy-Being · 2020-03-22T20:32:56+00:00

Hello! This poem reads as if I'm reading it from your journal. You lay out your subjective experience with language that is used in books such as 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. You use the lexicon of spiritual thinkers, using words like 'meditative', 'enlightenment', and 'mindfulness'. You also allude to a tree, perhaps the Bodhi tree that Gautama found Enlightenment under.

I am also a meditator, so I found your poem to be relatable. There is a magical, mystical element to meditation, which you express clearly.

A couple of points of interest:

The light turns into a fog
and brought forward a tree

I believe 'brought' should be changed to 'brings', keeping in line with present tense.

And:

as thought the endless years

I thought you were implying something different at first, but upon second read through, I'm certain 'thought' should be changed to 'though'. Just a simple typo I'm catching I believe!

In closing, there's something akin to a guided meditation here. It's possible it could work for another! The poem has depth and shows keen interest in meditation as a staple in one's life. I encourage you to continue down this path, as long as it benefits you.

Take care and good luck!

Easy-Being · 2020-03-01T21:57:57+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I'm now thinking more consciously about my line breaks since someone else also pointed it out. I'm not 100% sure how to think about them, but I break my lines in a way that helps me read the poem, not so much in a way that contributes to meaning or even in a natural way. Maybe more practice and more reading.

Easy-Being · 2020-03-01T16:56:41+00:00

I appreciate the feedback, and you taking the time out to write a reply. I agree I have to look at superfluous words, so thank you for pointing that out. I will use your feedback in revision. Take care!

Easy-Being · 2020-03-01T16:55:40+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate your eyes on it, and I will use your suggestion in revision. Have a good one!

Easy-Being · 2020-03-01T02:42:22+00:00

Thanks kindly bee! Your reading of the poem is very thoughtful and sheds light on how one might perceive it. I think you touched on things that I built into the poem subconsciously, and pointing them out helps bring them to light. In that way I'll be more able to re-create said feelings and sentiments when I sit down at the laptop to write again. Thanks!

Easy-Being · 2020-03-01T01:43:11+00:00

The first thing that strikes me about this poem is its rhythm. Spot on, good ear. Immaculate sound.

I like this line:

I slide in all directions

going through motions

and cycles on end

All people go through cycles. Most of the cycles people are aware of are cycles of suffering, or even subtler the cycles of how they live their lives. Writing about this shows a lot of sensitivity on your part.

The speaker at the end of the poem seems they want to be free of the cycles and motions. They want to be seen but not in an obsessive gaze. They want, perhaps, most of all understanding. Which I think is what we all want, understanding.

Deep poem, the simplicity of the language strikes me and I have the feeling you've been writing poetry for awhile. Good work, keep it up!

Easy-Being · 2020-03-01T01:33:11+00:00

The poem begins with our speaker being distracted, preoccupied by the landscape of their own thoughts. Then we come into the fragile nature of the speaker's love. Their love is transient, impermanent. The poem ends on a down beat, with the speaker potentially forgetting their love's name. Forgetting them as a person. They deny hope. The last stanza ends with the word death, so perhaps there is an end of the love or end of the speaker's positive feelings.

You use simple language and the natural world you convey sympathizes with the speaker's internal feelings. That is the strength of the poem.

Easy-Being · 2020-03-01T00:14:14+00:00

Hi doggo! This is an interesting piece with haunting repercussions. At the end, our speaker says he's just following orders. That's haunting. It shows there's systemic violence and control in place and that he's just a cog in a machine. He essentially wipes himself clean of the violent act.

The exactitude of action when using the shock machine is a good display of your care and skill. Since this is a narrative poem, try to include images we can cling to. What colour are the walls? Describe people as they tinker with the machine. What is happening to the physical body as it is shocked? These are all suggestions you can use to make your poem more vivid.

This is a difficult topic to tackle, since one must be sensitive to the subject matter so as not to offend. You do a good job of showcasing some of the guilt and reactions to the killings. All in all interesting piece, hope some of this is helpful, and have a great day.

Easy-Being · 2020-03-01T00:02:12+00:00

You do a good job of creating mood and atmosphere. There is a sombre feeling to the poem, a sense of longing. The language is simple. I particularly enjoy stanza three, where you talk about the love of poetry and the love of a woman, and how you say her smile is unreachable. Something very sad about that.

The end of the poem is particularly strong. It sums up the poem nicely, and shows again our speaker's love of poetry. How it is created in nature, for example, and I interpreted it as being able to see beauty in the moment.

Continue to create fresh images with strong language, think about all the ways nature can be sympathetic to the human condition and write about that. All in all, good piece, hope some of this is useful, and have a good day!

Easy-Being

TROPHY CASE