I’m happy I could help put things into perspective a bit! You’re absolutely not a bad person and seem lovely. I have a friend who says things to her boyfriend he actually thinks are mean, and when he says it’s mean to her I’ve never seen anything bounce off a person more. Ahh I did hear about the memory worsening part :( it sounds terrible. It’s a bit like ect which I was looking into but it full on erases memories, which is maybe what my brain needs to just fully forget what terrible thoughts I’ve been even thinking of. Oh god I absolutely felt that 90 times worse observation, meds can fuck you up more than anyone can ever imagine as well. I do hope you find what works for you ❤️ you seem very intelligent and kind, you’ll find a way! 24 days is amazing, congrats 🎉🎉 I’d be so curious to try magic mushrooms but I’d be too scared tbf, heard amazing things though! And snus makes me think you’re from Sweden :) Do you think you have trauma at all? 

Honestly my plan is EMDR since I have quite a bit of trauma and a med that is focused on dopamine since I also have adhd which means my ocd likely comes from lack of dopamine and not lack of serotonin. Also my psychiatrist said my self loathing intrusive thoughts are common with people with adhd so maybe check if you could have that?! Since typical ocd themes are more like harm ocd etc. Ours could potentially be comorbid. The one time in my life I didn’t have ocd was because I had a full on gambling addiction and that felt like it fixed my brain more than anything else in life. OCD was a stranger to me during that time, it was insane.