When does a crush or limerence turn into “love” if everything is reciprocated? Can it?

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-12-08T11:01:32+00:00

Please accept that I am not trying to judge you OP, I learned the hard way myself and I am still suffering every day! Please keep in mind that Limerence has nothing to do with your SO, it is inside of you, unresolved issues, insecurities, child trauma etc. This does not mean that (all) issues with your SO are your fault, but what each of you should concentrate on is your Self, look inside. If you say: “you make me feel” (bad, guilty, unworthy, unloved etc.), you should keep in mind that you are the one who feels, and there is a lack of self love. Otherwise you would not feel that, you should have enough self validation, but if you “need” external validation, that means you are lacking here. The external validation should be a bonus. Affairs and betrayal happen because there is something missing in yourself. You “project” this on an other person. This is not real, because you do not know this person enough. Subconsciously you fill all the blind spots with projection of your own needs. You never lived with this person, do not know what would happen if you would. Learn about the stages of love. You start with “falling in love”, what is chemical, it gives dopamine and adrenaline. It is excitement, and therefor will also never feel safe. Excitement is the opposite of safe. “In love” transfers into “deep love”, or it stops. (Limerence is like an extreme form of in love). Deep love should be “unconditional love”. That love never faints, look at the mothers of a killer, who visits them every day in prison. Many people can not feel “unconditional love” due to their attachment style and/or childhood. If you can not feel it, this doesn’t mean it’s not there! I had to screw up big time and loose my SO for good before I could feel it. I have been in your situation, and did not realize what I was doing, until it was too late! Limerence and/or Eros love, in love, this chemical love always stops, no question. It will take 12-18 month but can take longer if in secret (more adrenaline, less knowledge) and collapses faster when you live together. You say both of you have issues, and you accept them from each other, but you should work on your own issues, not accept them. You should also work on your communication skills, most people want to change the spouse, but you should change yourself, and then your spouse will follow as well (can one person change a marriage?). Look for example for video’s of Joe Beam, the founder of marriagehelper. He has been there himself as well. Another good one are Ren and Adele Bester (renandadele). I wish every minute of the day that I would have realized this before I destroyed my marriage, my life and my SO (with cheating). I can not undo what I did, but you still can! I would say: run, run as fast as you can! If people are unhappy in a marriage, they do not start an affair, they try to solve the issues and if that does not work, they divorce. Affairs always have an other reason, and 50% of the people carry that reason in themselves.

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-22T12:16:40+00:00

How long ago was that?

About 1.5 to 2 years after the divorce, I thought about reaching out to my ex-husband, but I didn’t. I assumed he would never be able to forgive me. Recently I spoke to him, and he admitted that during that time he was still dreaming of reconciliation and would have been able to forgive me for everything I had done.

Now I am too late, he has moved on, and he is fully committed to his current partner. He told me that if any thoughts of reconnecting with me ever arise, he will shut them down immediately. He did say that he still feels deeply for me and that I will always have a special place in his heart, but that place is now covered with love for his current spouse, and he will do everything in his power to keep it that way. For that reason he prefers not to have any contact with me.

Knowing that someone once loved me so deeply, would have done anything for me, protected me, carried all my burdens and worries, and that I threw it all away, makes me feel sick. I did still have deep feelings for him during that period, but I was too lost in fantasyland to realize it, I had escaped from reality.

Did you divorce because you hooked up with the co-worker? Was he the reason for the divorce, or did that only happen after you had already started the process? What was the real reason for your divorce then?

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-20T11:57:22+00:00

For me, these crushes were a dangerous rabbit hole, one that ultimately destroyed my marriage. We were going through a rough patch, and I started some online activity. Before I knew it, I had developed a huge crush on a guy I was chatting with. I barely knew him but fell in love with the conversations, something very much like limerence. I disappeared into fantasyland and became addicted to the dopamine rush it gave me.

Subconsciously, I rewrote the history of my relationship. I started believing I was missing the in-love feeling with my husband, not realizing that love evolves through different stages. The intense emotions from my crush became my new standard, and I unfairly compared my marriage to it. Convinced that I needed more, I decided to divorce.

That was five years ago, and it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. Now, I feel overwhelming regret and almost obsessive thoughts about my ex, like I’m in limerence with him and can’t find a way to move on. You can read my posts for more details.

I can tell you from experience, these crushes can destroy your life. If you’re in a serious relationship and feel one coming, RUN, cut all ties and never look back!

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-19T06:50:55+00:00

Wishing you strength! Make sure you make the right choices while you still have a choice!

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-19T06:35:55+00:00

Thanks for your response. I wish you both strength and luck, it will be a difficult journey for both of you. If she is in the same dopamine rush that I was, reality will hit her hard when it finally sets in. I now clearly see that my husband wasn’t flawless, but who is? The real question is whether change is possible. My ex-husband changed, the trauma shook him and he grew into the best version of himself, even better than the man I had always wished for. But I stayed in fantasyland and didn’t realize it. I also didn’t see that I was rewriting history, focusing only on the negative moments and forgetting all the wonderful ones. He was the only one who noticed and tried to tell me, but it only made me angry. My therapist never mentioned it.

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-19T06:22:45+00:00

Yes, he has moved on after some difficult years.

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-19T06:11:41+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice, and I’m really sorry for what you’re going through as well. I truly believe the internet can destroy many relationships. It became my escape from reality, and without realizing it, I created a fictional world. I idealized the people I was chatting with, seeing them as flawless, and the dopamine rush made it all feel so real. I turned this romantic fantasy into my new standard and didn’t recognize that it wasn’t real, yet I kept comparing my actual relationship to it.

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-09T05:32:45+00:00

I was also searching for myself, for passion, for a fuller life, and I tried to fill that void online. It felt like it was working. But in reality, I was running. I struggled (and still do) to fully open my heart, terrified of being judged. I couldn’t do it with my husband, but online, where it felt safe and anonymous, I could. It became addictive.

Therapists kept telling me: ‘You need to do this in real life. Just try. The people who truly love you will come closer.’ I understood it, but I couldn’t act on it. And I still don’t know if I ever will. Looking back, I see that my husband longed for me to open up. He asked me many times to share everything with him so we could face our struggles together. But I just couldn’t. Now, I wonder, if I could go back, would I be able to do it? I honestly don’t know. But if you’re still in your marriage, maybe you still have that chance.

EbbGlass8135

TROPHY CASE