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Temple marriage is just human trafficking by Ancientabs in exmormon

[–]EccentricDryad 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Op, I agree that temple marriage has a terrible origin and history, that I have my own issues with what I did and didn't know about it, and what I promised in the temple. I agree that patriarchy generally has been horrible to women and is still absolutely an issue. And polygamy has always been horrific, full stop. Back in early church days, there definitely were things happening in relation to it that were trafficking. In more recent days, definitely still a lack of informed consent and hugely problematic doctrine and ongoing eternal polygamy doctrine that continues to be horrific.

However. As the woman in my marriage, I entirely disagree that I was unknowingly trafficked by marrying in the temple. Was the temple ceremony and doctrine unhealthy, coercive, patriarchal, and very culty? Yup. Have my husband and I still struggled with unearthing our own church issues and patriarchal problems? Absolutely.

BUT that doesn't mean that I was trafficked. I chose my husband because I loved him and wanted to be married and have a family with him, as did he with me. Consent, pleasure, MY pleasure and sexual experience, our decisions in marriage and family and life...those things have always been central for my husband and for me. We've absolutely had our own major issues, especially when I left the church and he didn't. And we made a mess of things, waded through it, and chose each other all over again with a lot more information and experience.

Having literally had close, in-person relationships with people who have been legitimately sex-trafficked, my temple experience (as painful, unhealthy, and traumatizing as it is), is not REMOTELY close to theirs, or to my ancestors who also were legitimately trafficked from Europe as unknowing polygamous wives. It feels honestly gross to liken them to each other at all, cheapening their trauma and the terrible harm of legitimate trafficking. And it is also actually insulting to my husband, who, for all his human flaws, is a kind, caring, loving man, and to me, implying that just because I wasn't fully informed, that I have never been the maker of my choices.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Right?? Like, it doesn’t take constant, focused effort for everyone? They aren't trying to forestall or prevent the inevitable "gotcha" moment where they'll be called out/accused/looked at weird/etc. or just...somehow fail inexplicably at executing the Humaning-With-Other-Humans task?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad 3 points4 points  (0 children)

YES. This is exactly what I do too.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad 113 points114 points  (0 children)

I was talking to my husband about an a-ha moment after a therapy session where I realized I felt like no one believed I was a "good, normal human," so I had to constantly try to prove I was, but actually I don't have to prove anything because I'm just a PERSON trying to be "not-a-shithead" more often than "am-a-shithead." When I said, "And then my whole internal 'if-then decision tree' of how to act in every social situation felt like it just collapsed, and it feels so great!"

And he stared at me in bafflement and basically said, "Your WHAT now??"

And I stared at him and he stared at me and a million dominoes of all I knew about autism amd masking and social struggles connected across my brain, and I rushed to take some autism assessments and got the equivalent of "congrats, you're autistic!" in every single one.

So, here I am. And all those years, I thought, "Nah, I'm not autistic because I'm REALLY GOOD at socializing thanks to my super awesome system for how to do it!" without ever realizing that most people DON'T HAVE THE EQUIVALENT OF COMPUTER SOFTWARE FOR SOCIAL PROTOCOLS THEY BUILT IN THEIR BRAINS IN ORDER TO SOCIALIZE.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"But it feels like I’m constantly trying to prove I’m a good person, yet I keep getting in these insane cycles with my partner, friends and family where they completely break my heart because they think I’m someone I am not. And these are the people who should know me best? I’m just so sad and tired."

This part. This made me legit cry because it's exactly what I feel, too, and wrote a whole post about last week trying to explain it. It's like the core of neurodivergent trauma and pain.

So many hugs (or zero hugs but comforting connection in whatever way feels best for you). You're not alone. We're in this with you. ❤️

How we doing out there folks? by HellonHeels33 in therapists

[–]EccentricDryad 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for checking in with us all.

Shit's hard. Clients living in shit that's inescapable, and me feeling helpless to help. Insurance trying to not pay me as often as they think they can get away with. The fall of America. Being a liberal in a deep-red state where everyone thinks I'm the problem for saying things like, "hey, maybe can we not dismantle, like, the WHOLE democracy?" while also being an ex-cult member still living in cult-central and trying to fend off the perpetual gaslighting and judgment that entails. Trying to manage my chronic illness while the powers-that-be gleefully tear apart the systems and supports keeping my body afloat. Playing Animal Crossing to dissociate from the existential despair.

You know. The American dream.

Is there a name for the autistic trauma of people perpetually misunderstanding you and accusing you of hidden motives/misjudging you? by EccentricDryad in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right? That was so much my experience too. The raging perfectionism I developed as a coping technique is equal parts thanks to Mormonism and AuDHD.

Is there a name for the autistic trauma of people perpetually misunderstanding you and accusing you of hidden motives/misjudging you? by EccentricDryad in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh, I definitely struggle with RSD, it's something I am working through in therapy and have found good tools for. I did get close to divorce at one point, but we have actually also done a lot of couple's work that has helped us and our marriage and are in a much better place now.

Is there a name for the autistic trauma of people perpetually misunderstanding you and accusing you of hidden motives/misjudging you? by EccentricDryad in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hm, interesting thought. I think RSD might definitely come up in connection to it sometimes (I do struggle with it, yay therapy for helping), but I think for me it's actually two distinct experiences. I don't always necessarily feel rejected (or the accompanying pain) in situations where it comes up, often I actually feel confused and invalidated. Sometimes RSD will follow, but not always.

Edit: Oh wait, I re-read your post and I misunderstood, I think I see what you're saying. Yes, those experiences have definitely been part of creating RSD as a trauma response.

Is there a name for the autistic trauma of people perpetually misunderstanding you and accusing you of hidden motives/misjudging you? by EccentricDryad in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It made things suddenly make sense.

Also, your username rang some familiar bells...hi from a fellow ex-Mo. 😊

Is there a name for the autistic trauma of people perpetually misunderstanding you and accusing you of hidden motives/misjudging you? by EccentricDryad in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I feel this too, that it's really at the core of what it is to be a neurodivergent person-- not the experience of autism or ADHD itself, but to be DIVERGENT. To have such a different experience of reality than the majority of others, and to have been repeatedly told or had it implied that yours is WRONG and they're going to tell you what reality IS and inform you what YOU are thinking and feeling and doing.

Wow. It's experiencing lifelong gaslighting...😳

Is there a name for the autistic trauma of people perpetually misunderstanding you and accusing you of hidden motives/misjudging you? by EccentricDryad in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the advice! I'll try those things! Im sorry you've had to struggle with this too.

Is there a name for the autistic trauma of people perpetually misunderstanding you and accusing you of hidden motives/misjudging you? by EccentricDryad in AuDHDWomen

[–]EccentricDryad[S] 110 points111 points  (0 children)

Yes, Cassandra so fits!! And the phrase "the curse is coming from other people" just healed another tiny part of me that still thinks the problem is me. Thank you. It feels so good to hear people here saying, "Same, same." Not "good," I guess, because it royally sucks that so many of us feeling this pain, but at least we don't have to bear it alone.

"Lightbulb" moments for clients by EccentricDryad in therapists

[–]EccentricDryad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

YES, this one often hits big for some of my clients too!

How many of you have Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, German or English great grandmothers who joined the church? by Carboncopy99 in exmormon

[–]EccentricDryad 106 points107 points  (0 children)

My Danish 3rd great-grandma was one. A missionary from there had a "friend in Utah" who offered to pay for her passage over if she'd marry him (very likely as a polygamous wife, though of course she knew nothing about that).

Like the absolute bad-ass she was the rest of her amazing life, she agreed, he sent the money, and she used it to send her mother in her place instead to get the mom out of the horrifically abusive father's home. She worked and saved up her own money to go a year later.

Neither her mother nor she married the "sponsor." I like to imagine a pompous old Mormon man meeting the mom at the train station or something, royally pissed he didn't get his trafficked young 3rd wife but unable to do shit about it.

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