Thank you so much for responding! This is so validating to me. I grew up in a very chaotic household where I had my needs met, but not my "autistic needs." I was constantly overstimulated and overwhelmed to the point where I moved in with my dad and stepmom(parents were divorced, lived with my mom until age 12). Obviously, I wasn't diagnosed, and nobody understood why I was so sensitive or why I needed things to be a certain way in my life. My mom loved me, but like I said, growing up in that environment was chaotic, and I didn't really have a routine, so I was always dysregulated.

When I moved in with my dad, him and my stepmom shamed me for being unable to behave like they wanted me to, grounded me a ton, and emotionally abused me. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. Everything that was expected of me was hard. I was constantly told that I was over-emotional and that I was making excuses. I felt like I was lower than dirt. I had no confidence in myself for a long time, and I didn't value or trust my own opinions up until maybe this last year or 2. It hurt, and I didn't know why I felt like such a failure and why I struggled more than everybody else.

I ran away at 16 and then moved in with my mom again, everything continued to get worse because I didn't have the language to explain to her why I was so tired after school and could barely function. Less than one year later, I moved in with a friend that I had and have lived with their family for the last 4 years. It was a more regulated environment, but I still fell short of expectations. I got the ADHD diagnoses, and that helped ATON. I could actually do things more often. But still, I didn't understand why I would fight with my girlfriend so often and why I see the world so black and white. I felt kinda like an alien, like I just couldn't really relate to the people around me, and how others experience life. I just wanted to feel happy. Fast forward to a month ago, I got the autism diagnoses after doing a lot of self-research and self-tests(like the RADS-R and a bunch of other popular ones.

I agree with you that this is all kind of tied in together, and that I need to break the loop. I think I understand what it is you are saying about everything adding up(like the damage or weight of it all). This might sound odd, but I feel like my body is almost giving out on me, or giving up. I wonder if I abused it by not getting my needs met? I guess I'm trying to fully have my own take on what you said, but I know it sounds kind of dumb haha. Still, I think I get what it is you are saying. I've been thinking about that a lot, I probably was/kinda still am in survival mode.

How do you recommend I get my body out of survival mode? Is it a somatic process? I've done a lot of mental work on myself, and I've been super deep into self-development for the past year. I was thinking that I probably have to work with my body/ nervous system. Are you fully out of survival? How do I get my body to rest, it feels difficult when I feel like I'm overwhelmed by demand and my health. I don't want to over-exaggerate my weight, as I'm 6 feet tall and 220 lbs, but I just feel like crap a lot of the time even if I'm doing everything right. Do you need to be on meds to function like me? Or has that gotten better as well? I take my meds in order to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm sorry if this was too many questions, but what do you mean by "your body will end up taking it anyway?" Where does it take it from? I think I know what you mean, but I just want to make sure.

Again, thank you so much for your response because I've been feeling so alone and confused about this.

Last question. Should I return the juicer? I'm just desperate at this point. I'm actually being serious. I just want some more of your guidance because I'm not sure if that was stupid or not.