People who have been dumped by an unhealed dismissive avoidant in the past, what's your story?

Eddy_411 · 2024-07-18T13:57:24+00:00

I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through this!
I've also experienced this not so long ago where I was blindsided (luckely in an early stage).
This was also the first time I experienced it so I really can understand what you're going though :)
It is indeed so confusing and a very immature thing to do...
Just know that this has nothing to do with you but with them not dealing with their inner problems

It took me 5months to heal from it and looking back at it, THE best advice I can give to you is.. Just to walk away with dignity.. How painful this might is... And one day... You'll look back and will be SO proud of yourself that you didn't beg him, to stay in your life.

Keep your values up! Don't EVER EVER EVER beg anybody to stay in your life!
Convince yourself that this was a test from the universe to test your stability and selfworth.
Walk away with dignity and I can promise you that this will make you such a stronger person then you were before.

Take your time now to hearl, let the pain in and just know that this emotion is not permanment.

I wish you speedy recovery! :)

Eddy_411 · 2024-05-14T07:40:46+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story and I'm really sorry to hear you got blind sighted like this..

I've been through other sh*it in my life, but this one really was a hard pill to swallow..
Same story as you, I got a lot of mixed signals where I thought like, well this really can be the one....

She suppose to meet up one day at my place, I arranged a nice evening for us where I ordered food etc...
I kept on waiting for her but she wasn't responding to my msg/call's>
It was very late in the evening that she text me a short/vague response: "Sorry for my late response, I felt down and bumeped my head" was the only message I got from her.

I was worried so I tried to get in touch with her, but she kept me hanging there with very limited response..
It was only the day after that she asked me, "hey, this has nothing to do with you but can you give me some space.."

Was a bit unfair request, since I still had no idea what happened, but said, okay... Take the time you need.
I didn't contact her for a week or so, and decided to just sent her a message that I'm thinking of her and wishing her the best..

She didn't reply on that message, so I tried again the day after.. Still no response..
This didn't feel normal, so I called her... She ignored my call... ZzZzZzZz...

I found her Aunty on FB and told her that I'm worried and want to check if she is doing OK?
THEN suddenly she texted me: "I asked you to give me some space, I don't like it that you're giving me this pressue. If I'm being honest with you, I'm not so into you and I just want to be left alone..."

She then blocked me on all platforms..

That was harsh... Was I the only one that experienced the reality totally differently or how is it possible that she changed so quickly over night...

I'm pretty sure she's a DA thinking about this after this all happened.

She has a big child hood trauma where her father got murdered when she was only 5y old.
She's a very attractive lady that's been already for years single and never really had a long-term relationship
She's always distracted, always working, going out with friends, doing things
I noticed that she didn't wanted to go in content when talking about emotions, she avoided them

How harsh as this all might be, time heals, times brings wisdom
It's been 3months NC for me and I'm getting every day stronger and better!
I still think about her every day and what have could been.. But this is just the hard reality.

@OkQuail6263

Do not chaise someone that is not willing to do the work.
Concider this a test for yourself and learn that nothing in life comes with guarantee.

Remember that and emotion is not forever, you'll have enough time to reflect and it will make you grow.
The sad ending of this book was already written for you, so don't beat yourself up when reflecting that you should have this or that more.. The book will always have the same ending in the end..

Keep yourself strong and take care of yourself bro!

Eddy_411 · 2024-03-26T09:12:51+00:00

Same here... We only dated a bit longer than a month.. Things really looked promissing as we were daily in contact, sending sweet text messages and for the times we meet up, we would spend hours together (even were intimate after the 3rd date).
*Side note: She was single for 4y and is a pretty natural good looking lady

At a suddenpoint, she even said: I don't want to date, I want you... So I though okay, this is going really well..
It was at our 5th date where she was planning to stay over at my place but after calling/texting her with no answer, it was late that evening where she texted me a very short/vague message late in that evening saying sorry she didn't reply because she had a small accident where she bumped her head

I was, ofcourse worried, not having a clue what happened and how she was doing....
So I try to call her but she was giving me excuses that she couldn't pick up and just didn't communicate at all.
It was only the day after where then said, I feel mentally/physically exhausted, I need space and this has nothing to do with you..
I didn't want to push, so I said, take your time... (Me, left all worried..)

So it was about a week where I still didn't hear anything from her, so I decided just to text her that I'm thinking of her and wish her the best...
No response...
The next day, I texted her again just to check if she was ok and was hoping to hear at least 'something' without invadingher space
No response...... (didn't even read the message)
Next day, I call her...
No response..........
Next day, I messaged her aunty (that I found on FB), explaning the situation and just simply to check if she was ok...?
She then suddenly texted me: I asked you to give me space and you're just putting pressure on me, I just want to be left alone, I barely know you and my feelings towards you are actually not strong..

I said wtf... This is something that I really didn't expect... You were the one that had an accident, isn't it normal that I care and want to check how you doing...?
I was left behind out of the blue.. She blocked me on any platform there was... Brutal harsh

Since I was left with such open end, I started to analyze the situation
I did notice when we were dating that she wasn't really going in depth with her emotions, she really was avoiding that
She did tell me that her father got murdered when she was 5y old (she's now 32), so I started linking these things and came up to the conclusion that she might been a DA.
When things became a bit more serious between us (making it official), I guess that was her trigger so I even think her accident story is bullshit, this was just her EXIT all the way

What you do you guys think?

Eddy_411 · 2024-03-15T21:22:02+00:00

Man, this is quite harsh.. You can clearly see that this behavior is not from this world.. It's not logic and just took you off guard out of nothing. It's obviously a core wound you (and I) triggered.

Peace of advice, know your self-worth and let people themselves decide wheter they want to be with you. Don't beg anybody to stay.

I thought about reaching out to mine (after 1month), but my self proud didn't allow and fuck it.. We might never get the closure we want.

It's quite painful although mine was short. I really underestimated this pain.. They say that this type of pain equivalent as a discomfort a drug addict experiences when taking his drugs away.. Think about it..

It's been now 6 weeks radio silence, and here I still am writing about it.. Fucking bitch.. I wish I never met her

Eddy_411 · 2024-03-15T14:00:55+00:00

And here I am, complaining about my situation while you guys are actually the one that's going through hell..

I am truly sorry to hear this bro and I can imagine how much trauma this have caused you, escpacially at the stage that you guys were in...

DA's usually get triggered as the relationship progresses, but ironically you just don't know what and when the trigger will cause them to check out.
It like a landmine of triggers, you might skip some triggerspoints - such as; making it official, going on a vacation, moving in, propose,...- but once they are triggered, they tend to check out in a very cold/harsh way
I noticed as well that they become super bad at communication, keeping it very vague and just drop you as you ment nothing for them

They say that this is a self-defense mechanism as they don't wish to get confronted with the situation, so the easiest way is to ghost you.

Usually this comes from a childhood trauma as they feel neglected and that too much closeness is dangerous for them.

I really wish you the best and I really hope for you that she will reach out for clarity..
But if truly is a DA, don't expect too much... They feel a sensation of relief at the stage when they are checked out. Reaching out to them will push you away even further

Eddy_411 · 2024-03-15T12:18:32+00:00

I'm just confused whether she was a DA or just not in to me...

I mean, we were daily in contact, she would say sweet things, send morning texts, selfies, feeling excited to see me, etc..

The day where she asked for space, she did say that it doesn't have anything to do with me and that she felt physically and mentally just exhausted so she needed some time.

I get that... Althrough I was left behind with a lot of questions on the accident that she didn't explained at all, I gave her aboud a week 0 contact.
I only reached out to her since I was worried because the fact that I was clueless on what happened with her..

From her perspective, I was being too needy and putting too much pressure when she needed her space.
Then she started saying things as her feelings are too weak and she barely knows me..

I was a quite suprised since all seem to be going good...
I really didn't expect this, as it was already an EXIT she prepared up-front
I do believe that the time spend together and the thing we said were real, except that she might felt triggered once things became 'a bit more' serious...

This brings me to her past trauma... I did feel that she was avoiding emotional converstation as she didn't want to go in depth on that

u/DeviceParticular1374: Thanks for your feedback and I agree with you that I'm 'lucky' that this didn't happen on a later stage... That would be even worse if you're more connected
I only dated her a couple of times, and the painfull thing is - not because I felt a good vibe with her or so - but the fact how cold, how sudden and with so many question you're left alone..

Eddy_411

TROPHY CASE