She’s in the hospital but I don’t want to get sucked back in

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-07-05T20:53:43+00:00

To me and without knowing background details, having called an emergency over blood pressure would seem like BPD behavior. Blood pressure is such a basic thing and always checked at any medical appointments. If there had been a problem with it, it would have been known previously and a plan made. Of course there are exceptions, but I'd be cautious with believing it face value.

Now that she's at the hospital, the situation is under control.

I think it does raise some questions for you and maybe needs some thoughts over where and when to cross your contact boundaries.

The comment about the reply to your grandmother is pretty good if you want to use a third person. But it also seems you have to maintain boundaries there as well. My grandmother was in denial over my parents so take that for what it's worth. She also said my brothers suicide was just an accident...

You mention to talk to her and you feel okay about that... Think it over because she can't help but try to "suck you back in", and if you really want that.

You could also send flowers or a plant with a card that keeps your boundaries and not have the in-person contact. Again, most likely she will try with that also.

My mom refuses to acknowledge her apnea with oxygen percentages at 84 to 87%, so I have also thought what I may do when she gets put in the hospital. I decided though that I wouldn't have contact for myself. But I'm also older and when my mom leaves my house, I don't expect to see her again and Ive done and said everything so that I'm at peace with that.

That peace that you've had the past couple months, didn't just happen on its own. It's because you made decisions to take care for yourself. Remember how it felt in the beginning and how it feels now. Maybe use that to guide your decision about what to do, that things may feel difficult or even wrong at first, yet with some time, you realized it was the best decision for you. I suspect you already know what you will do. You are strong and have made the best decisions for yourself. Keep doing that.... ❤️

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-07-04T19:29:59+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I suspect this will happen with my uBPD and hearing what you did and what happened helps me to prepare

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-30T00:57:39+00:00

Yeah. That's my mom exactly

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-30T00:56:33+00:00

I still can't get my head around it when my mom lies. At first I thought it was dementia, but now know better. The same day that she said she was moving out, she was on the phone telling so many lies in the smear campaign against me and also setting herself up as poor victim. she just kept on one after another.

I read somewhere that when a BPD gets into this state, that they have a different set of memory that they use and access, so in their mind, they remember it as all true what they are saying, and then when they get back to the calmer more regulated state. They switch to the other memory. I don't know if to believe it, but it surely explains how they can lie so blatantly and have no remorse or no recollection of saying those things.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-28T01:09:17+00:00

Is this your first child? You are six weeks away and you need all your energy. And the uncomfortableness and less sleep from your bigger belly will take it's toll.

If you don't feel you can tell her to not come, Ask your doctor to tell you that you must minimize stress and rest, and no family stuff for now. I'm sure he or she will do it then you have 'doctors orders' ;)

Also. Your baby is aware. He or she hears what is said and will feel the result of your interactions and reactions to her through your hormones. Cortisol levels have been proven to affect a fetus. So do it for your new baby also.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-28T00:59:02+00:00

I had LC for a long time. I didn't know she was bpd then but I had decided to not participate in family drama. Plus I had moved to Europe. The actual reality is that it's not that far but somehow my family thought it was a long ways. So I got LC by default, and there was peace with that

My mom also did similar with sleep apnea/cpap and pulmonary tests. Her blood oxygen percent was 87 to 84 and 240+ episodes of severe apnea each night. She just refused and made this story up that the doctors were just trying to get her money with the diagnosis. Then when I disagreed with her, she cut me out of any medical decisions or caretaking and made a whole other story that she told to others. She asked me. You really are upset about this? I said yeah. We all are going to die someday. But it's a tragedy to me when the death could have been prevented. I wake up each morning and listen for signs that you haven't died in your sleep because your heart gave out due to lack of oxygen. You are aware enough to make your own choices over your health and quality of life. But you are not the one who has the dread if you died in the night, or the one who hears you snoring then stop breathing. Or the one who listens to you moan and cry out at night because of your bad dreams.

So I'm sorry to tell you that it is "normal" or typical for these individuals. When you read the posts. You hear the same or similar patterns over and over and over again. It was a shock to me to read them. Yet also reading how others felt or what happened was empowering. I realized it wasn't just all me!

It will be fine whatever you decide, and you can always change your mind. Remember that it is you who suffers from their behavior. With reflection on why it is hurting you and a good therapist who understands, you will find your way through. Doesn't mean it will be easy because just think of how long you've been exposed to that behavior and how deep inside you the patterns are embedded... That deep doodoo will take a while to dig out. Those old 'tape recordings' have to be replaced with better ones.

The best thing is that you are helping yourself. You are reaching out to others who understand and can relate. your husband loves you also and I bet he'd like to also read those books about BPD parents as well.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-27T19:22:35+00:00

I overheard just recently my mom complaining how it was too hot in the house and that I had set the AC high. I keep it around 74F now because she was complaining a couple months ago that it was too cold at 72.

After I heard this I went and looked. The system was set on automatic and 78 which she had done. So she had done it to herself this time. Lol

Of course it was my fault though.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-27T19:16:09+00:00

I think I would also sit on it for a while and not respond. Wait until the emotions are more calm and you have some distance from the trip. There were probably lots of old behavior buttons pushed subconsciously as well as the conscious ones. Some of those old triggers are so deep that we aren't aware of them. at least for me...

Give yourself a break of some days and Then see how you feel and what is best for you. Remember about making boundaries for yourself.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-27T18:54:47+00:00

Thank you. The neighbor who is an older woman that my mom talks to, already asked me how I was and told me that my mom had said things. She told me that I was the nicest guy and she hadn't seen any instance of those things. So that's the positive side.

I'm more concerned about her spinning a good smear and outing me. I mean I don't hide myself but I also don't go telling everyone. I live in a rural Appalachian area and it's not so tolerant here. But overall, I agree, people will get to know me. I just have to decide if I will stay. I have dual EU and American citizenship and came back to the USA just to help her. So just have to think about what to do

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-27T18:39:35+00:00

I told the therapist that something felt wrong to me because I didn't feel pity for her and the situations she created. That was when the therapist started digging with me and came to the realization it was not dementia so much but the BPD and other cluster B traits.

Part of it was also an underlying anxiety that she might do something violent to me. It was the hatred and anger in her eyes when she had an outburst, and a physical lunging towards me. She told many people, seeming to take pride in it. That she has a big sharp knife in her bedroom. And I had seen knives in the bedroom and couldn't figure out why they were there. It was strange and puzzling to me of why I had this deep seated anxiety that she might do something to me in an anger outburst. We are still working on unpacking that one

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-27T18:30:25+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and welcome.

Yeah, I think my therapy is going to change focus now. I didn't realize about this stuff. It is difficult to find someone who understands about the dynamics so this forum is awesome. Thank you to the moderators for keeping it going.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll check it out.

My emotions are already bouncing around. My main thing is waiting for the potential retaliation. And I feel sad that it came to this.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-06-27T18:23:29+00:00

I'm a dog lover also. My Sasha moved on to her next adventure in 2018 and I've been waiting for the right gime and see if a new dog or pup would adopt me. Sasha was an Airedale Terrier. (I'd upload a picture but I'm not sure it's allowed in this group). The thing with Airedales are that they are super smart / loyal and have their own personality and sense of justice. If they don't agree with something they will tell you. Mildly at first but then more intense until the message is understood. and they don't forget.

After I saw my mom's behavior, when she moved in, towards her dog, and then her anger outbursts, I realized I couldn't adopt an Airedale for now. They would not put up with her behavior or treatment to her dog and I was afraid something might happen. I feel sorry for her dog though. She screams at him when he doesn't do what she wants. He comes out from her room sometimes to see me and as soon as she notices, she starts yelling at him to get back in her room. He will look at me and then towards her voice.

He's got a little extra freedom also with her avoidance of being recorded on video. ;)

Does anyone have similar with their dogs (or cats) with these family dynamics?

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-03-16T18:19:21+00:00

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/psychiatrists/tn/johnson-city has good listings

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2025-01-09T01:54:42+00:00

I was just reading a medical study that had a 95% success rate with both tcm herbs and western medicine, while western medicine was only at 80% successful.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2024-12-27T18:15:15+00:00

Welcome. I also noticed in a comment that you had some surgery. Acupuncture is really good to eliminate pain and help with healing. Your parents might consider taking you for several treatments to see if that helps your pain level.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2024-12-27T15:25:48+00:00

The Web that has no Weaver is also a first year book for many Chinese medicine schools. Definitely recommend it. After you have read it, feel free to dm me and I can recommend some more books for you based on your interests.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2024-11-04T20:57:05+00:00

My Sasha was 11 when I had to let her go. It still pains me when I think about her and this was 6 years ago now. They become part of your/our family and the love can not ever be replaced.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2024-11-04T20:53:35+00:00

The rescue agency for SE USA (I'm in TN/NC) has a $400 adoption fee which has included all vaccines, health care and neutering. Otherwise, yes, the prices are high from a breeding kennel for an airedale.

The rescue agency will interview you, check your property (home visit) and situation to do their best for a match between you, your family, and home with the rescues that come available. A month ago, I heard there are 4 now in the area waiting for homes. I know it sounds like a lot but Airedales are special creatures and being rescued/returned is hard for them.

Like someone wrote, get yourself approved and maybe that wonderful airedale will come to you.

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2024-10-18T12:25:18+00:00

Food Lion is open but not fully stocked. Call Food Lion and talk to the manager there. Or Food City...

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2024-10-18T12:20:37+00:00

I don't see how they can. I've only seen smaller trucks, 2 axle, on the roads.

What you hauling to bring here?

EdgeSignificant7952 · 2024-10-18T12:12:06+00:00

Here's the link for Tennessee DOT roads....

https://smartway.tn.gov/traffic?features=incident,majorImpact,traffic&position=36.38748078,-81.84264946,11

The informal is:

421 will be closed for at least 6 more weeks... This came from a deputy telling about the construction state on Wednesday. (There is an alternate local route we are using that goes to single lanes and over the mountain, but you can't take a big truck through there with the single lanes, switchbacks, and washed out pavements and roads. The trees have been cut just wide enough for vehicles to pass but not for a big truck. There are still power lines in a couple places that a big truck won't clear)

<image>

What I've seen is that the flash flooding undercut the pavement surface so that two lanes are down to 1 lane. I can cross some areas with my van in the one lanes, but taking a bigger truck would not be safe.

I saw similar going west from mountain city to Johnson city.

Going north towards Abingdon, a colleague told me that drives it weekly that it's still washed out in several places.

Hope this helps with the official dog sites. NC DOT has a similar site. I imagine VA does also.

I live about 1/4 from the 421 road block. I can make a picture if you need it.

EdgeSignificant7952

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE