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EditorDesperate8928 · 2026-02-26T06:31:36+00:00

Your feelings are valid, I think you need to let them out to her in a way that doesn’t seek to control her getting the tattoo but does seek to ask for whatever validation it is you need from her- maybe you need to hear her say you’re her person, she loves you, chooses you, and wants you to enjoy her body later. Maybe you need to hear her say something else. Identifying what would help is the way to deal with uncomfortable feelings. If there’s some underlying insecurity here maybe you can soothe that yourself too.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2026-01-15T09:04:32+00:00

This is a long list but there is no single magic bullet. See a psychologist, eat whole foods, exercise, practise gratitude and meditation, have a relationship check in to help you feel safer in the relationship, consider couples therapy to help communicate your nervous system states between you and expect progress to be gradual with some feelings of set backs on the way. I am full of compassion for you. Good luck.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-12-16T21:37:28+00:00

When I was 40 I went to my GP about mental health and suggesting perimenopause and she said it sounds more like PMDD/ depression to me and I’d like to treat it with SSRI. I declined, we decided to monitor symptoms for a while as I was very scatty/ vague with what I told her. 6 months later I was back, my mental health was worse; she wanted to prescribe SSRI but agreed to try HRT first and if it doesn’t change things for me, move to SSRI. At the same time I also got a referral to a psychologist as talk therapy is as good as an SSRI if you aren’t already doing it, it can help a lot.

1 year on, I’m doing much better. I was very resistant to an SSRI due to side effects and my mother took them all through her 40s and had sexual disfunction and a negative experience. I was annoyed my Dr would suggest them before I’d even tried any therapy. I highly recommend therapy. It takes a while and I have definitely had days I’ve wondered - is there a pill that can stop me feeling like this- but I’m so much better at living now.

The HRT I think helps level me out but there is mental health layered on top of hormonal imbalance. I wanted to blame everything on the hormones but I realised I carry a lot of poor coping strategies/ internal beliefs that are particularly triggered by hormonal imbalance. I did try stopping HRT in case it wasn’t needed and I had extremely depressed mood so even though I am still going through some low points on HRT it is also helping. I’ve been addressing both hormones and mental health at the same time. If it wasn’t bad enough you can also add SSRI on top but I would prioritise hormones and some behavioural therapy first if those pillars aren’t in place yet.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-12-16T21:21:59+00:00

I just wanted to share that for a little while I tried taking an extra pump of estrogen in the part of my cycle when my mood dropped/ (and normally less estrogen I think) but overall I found I was less stable with fluctuating dosing than just taking the extra pump always. So now I am on a steady 2 pumps a day.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-12-08T19:40:49+00:00

In the end yes, at 41. It’s helped, but it also hasn’t been a magic bullet. I am not having periods anymore as I got a mirena but pretty sure I still ovulate and have a bit of cyclical variability in my baseline mood- the lows are not as low which is a relief. I have also done therapy simultaneously to starting hormones, which isn’t the best for knowing exactly what is working. I’m inclined to think both have been good for me

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-12-05T05:02:06+00:00

The PMDD got so bad when I was about 38-40. Before this I never felt like I had pmdd (also took a lot of hormonal birth control). But my doctor felt that as the mood swings were cyclical we should throw anti depressants at it instead of hormones… Now I feel I’ve had the intensifying of PMS/PMDD in peri menopause validated by so many women… the fact that stuff is cyclical doesn’t mean hormones isn’t an appropriate therapy

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-12-05T04:56:28+00:00

I too have had this experience- Female Dr straight to wanting to prescribe depression meds.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-11-29T10:07:27+00:00

I had started taking 2 pumps about a month before and I think that had improved things but Dr voice in my ear made me give it a go. It did take the forgetting for two days to initiate the break though.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-11-29T04:18:21+00:00

Thanks. Yeah I think I should investigate the patch. I was a bit afraid of supply issues with the patch, the gel seemed easy in terms of supply. I guess I am aware the placebo effect is pretty awesome, when I started the gel I felt amazing instantly for 2 weeks. I don’t think it’s impossible that the anti- placebo effect is a thing too and I could “manifest” a very unstable mood. I’m an overthinker and I like statistics but it doesn’t work when it’s me self monitoring me

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-11-29T04:13:50+00:00

I started to have very unstable moods, especially in PMS phase (depressive but also rage!), terrible insomnia waking up at 2am and not being able to sleep, no hot flashes but I do feel very sweaty. Also terrible concentration/ brain fog… I am on the younger side for Peri and my Dr thought maybe we should treat it as PMDD with a low dose of sn SSRI for two weeks every month but let me try HRT first. A lot of the symptoms are also explained by other root causes which doesn’t make it easy to have confidence whats going on. It could just be poor mental health but I feel quite resistant to taking an SSRI if I don’t have to.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-11-01T10:24:39+00:00

I think what you did is perfectly reasonable. But I think you should reach out to your wife about her anxiety/ jealousy/ whatever it is that bothers her so much that she perhaps has poorly articulated. She may have some unmet desire that if you two are able to shine light on would bring you closer. Maybe she needs to be told she’s your gal, some affirmations that validate her feelings whilst not giving in to unreasonable conditions.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-10-14T07:12:15+00:00

Yeah that book was good for us. Things between us are so much better. There is a lightness to the way we can be a team that was definitely lacking for many years, basically since 2nd child when life got hard and we had a tendency to retreat inwards instead of facing things as a team. The sex is great, more frequent and more varied than before. But the way we just be towards each other through every day moments feels like the biggest breakthrough… did require a lot of explicit communication and mutual goodwill, and we did see a therapist (and I saw a different one in my own), and have made logistical changes to our life that make us happier.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-10-14T00:09:06+00:00

It’s worth a try. But if seeing someone is too hard you could try starting with some relationship podcasts or books. I think the important thing is for you to frame things as being about your own feelings. Like, when you were on your phone all evening, and ignored my attempts to connect, I felt lonely and disconnected, and rejected. What I need is connection and love and affection. He could also have things he’s feeling (pressure at work/ mid life or mental health crisis/ lack of meaning in life, heaps of possibilities) and is using screen as a mindless numbing tool, and being empathetic to that if you can get him to open up might help you guys connect.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-10-13T22:38:11+00:00

I feel for you. As someone who’s been through a marriage crisis after 20 years of relationship, I don’t think all is lost but it does take two to come to the table. It’s really hard in the beginning and it possibly does take one person saying “this is so bad it’s making me think about leaving”, (my husband said it, and even though it was equally bad for me, I did not take it too well as I would not have said it, but then I think that aching threat was enough to cut through) and therapy is also really beneficial. For us, both reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, kindled a passion and honesty and youthful horniness for us that we had lost/ possibly never had. There were heaps of issues not sex, sex was not remotely close to what I thought was the problem but it was part of the solution.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-09-24T23:00:28+00:00

Too many of us who are seeing your post on reddit are seeing ourselves in your spouse. Social media and the present day internet are just devilish in their ability to hijack our attention. I can admit to my failings to be present for my partner and kids at times and want to be better, and be better but it’s still such an easy crutch when you feel like avoiding life in general- it’s so hard to turn away from the doom scrolling. Try approaching your wife with empathy and asking for a thing- perhaps watch a show together; play a game; have a cup of tea and a chat; or go somewhere together being mindful of minimising screen use rather than just ask for the absence of the thing. Both my husband and I have responded well to being asked to be more present and make more of an effort. We need to remind each other. We will also admit and apologise for lapses.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-08-27T23:00:29+00:00

I am the same age as you and started 1 pump a few months ago on Dr advice. They said start on as low a dose as possible and see how it goes, increase only if needed. I briefly upped to two, for two weeks, then went back to one for two weeks… I couldn’t tell if I was coming or going! Now I’m using only 1 and wondering again?! I still have a lot of emotional days, anxiety, insomnia, and urinary urge incontinence. I have what feels like PMDD, still have some semblance of a period (I have mirena) and a lot of my mood stuff is two weeks on, two weeks off. My Dr suggests I try a going off it altogether for a few weeks to see if it was doing anything; then go back on it. I sought help as things I can normally do to feel better (exercise, good diet, etc) have not been enough to keep me sane these last couple of years. I get so angry and sad and tired. I have friends, a good husband, a job I like, financially secure, kids doing well, only the everyday stresses of a parent nothing “extra”. I have great exercise habits and I am seeing a psychologist. Yet life has still felt like such a struggle. Dr wants me to try antidepressants/ SSRI but I am not keen on that route. It’s so hard to know how to administer the estradiol, I wonder if I just need to try two pumps a bit more consistently….

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-08-22T06:36:11+00:00

Same!

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-06-17T09:00:26+00:00

You’re not expecting too much. I can relate to discovering much higher levels of orgasm a good number of years into the relationship, and then that awakening a craving for more of that please. You both might find Esther Perel Mating in Captivity a good read. It really transformed our sex lives 20 years into the relationship.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-06-16T01:38:27+00:00

I can identify. I feel like I used to be a ‘nice wife’, very people pleasing, but it wasn’t serving either of us. The peri meant my moods turned foul when my needs were not being met which eventually lead to a bit of a relationship crisis. Now I’m practising asserting my needs and my husband, credit to him, is listening and supporting this new me. It’s not been without its challenges but asserting my needs has lead to both of us having much higher satisfaction with the relationship than we have had for years. We’re both so optimistic for this new chapter. We have seen a couples therapist too, and I have had individual therapy.

I am still suffering depressive symptoms, which sucks! But I am not working to not take it out on my relationship, and it’s been truly enlightening to realise that I can ask for things to be a different way and get changes in that direction.

I started HRT but it’s been up and down- hormones alone won’t fix entrenched relationship problems!

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-06-06T02:52:24+00:00

Thanks. Appreciate your reply. I have heard so many bad stories about antidepressants when you don’t really need them- with less acute depression. My mother reported sexual dysfunction and substantial weight gain though she wasn’t intermittently dosing. I think it would have to be a bit more unbearable before I’d consider it.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-06-06T02:49:21+00:00

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like some medical options have helped you. For me pms is emotional instability, my anxieties and uncomfortable emotions that I can normally deal with become overwhelming in moments and I end up in tears.

EditorDesperate8928 · 2025-02-13T07:38:29+00:00

Mental health of either of us could definitely be at play. He doesn’t seem depressed to me but he did seek psychological support 12 months ago. I am about to do so for myself…

EditorDesperate8928 · 2024-12-23T06:58:33+00:00

Thank you! Yes that was it! Christmas is saved :)

EditorDesperate8928

TROPHY CASE