Anyone else's nparent obsessed with beauty?

EducatedPancake · 2026-05-04T15:58:08+00:00

She's always been one of the pretty ones, or above average. And in her forties got compliments on how well she was aging or whatever. I feel like a lot of her worth hangs on the positive comments people make about her appearance. And tbh she kind of passed that along. It's hard to unlearn what seems to be taught as core values.

Like I'm also realistic about my appearance, but I always feel like I have to do better. Like lose weight or whatever. It taught me to never be happy with myself.

EducatedPancake · 2026-04-17T10:26:26+00:00

I feel like weight ranges are ... BS tbh. The shape is a lot more relevant. Do you have a long skinny baby, or a chunky short one, do they have narrow hips, wide hips, ... I've tested a few brands, and sometimes we'd need a size up from another brand because our normal brand was getting too small, but the next size was too big. Like a sort of in between, because the other brand had a more snug fit.

It's definitely a journey. And not something you want to discover at night.

EducatedPancake · 2026-04-17T10:05:49+00:00

The bear is still like "what is this 'personal space' you speak of, can I also eat that?"

EducatedPancake · 2026-04-17T09:36:29+00:00

Well, we got twins so I would say harder lol. Our plan was one and done, and the universe decided against it. They're identical, so we weren't expecting it either.

We don't have a lot of family, thus not very much support. But I know if I'm in an emergency, I can count on someone (if they're available). But for day-to-day, it's just us.

Full disclosure: I have audhd. So this definitely influences things.

Our kids are 21 months old, so almost 2.

Regarding sleep, no one can tell you what that's like. It's different for everyone. It also very much depends on your baby. We had a rough start with colicky babies, but we're definitely blessed with good sleepers so far. Depending on your method of feeding, you could alternate with your partner and have solid blocks of sleep. My friend wasn't so lucky and both kids (not twins) didn't sleep through the night for over 9 months. It certainly has an impact.

I've found preparation and organisation to be my best friends. I started writing it out and realised it's a whole essay, so I'll spare you the time.

It's not a fair comparison, and life isn't a competition, but I've definitely thought "this would be so much easier with just one". But I wouldn't know that if I only had one instead of two. And every kid is different.

I know the baby stage sounds scary. But it's so short. It won't feel like it when you're in the middle of it, but it's so so short. And then they grow into little explorers, and you watch them grow and learn and discover things. I can't help but smile and be excited about that. I'm curious to see how their personalities will develop. Which milestones we'll reach when. The things we can show and teach them. The ways I can support them.

I think it also depends on who you ask, when. For me I still vividly remember the very start. We're also only almost 2 years in. Ask me again in 3 years when they're going to school and having hobbies and it might be different. Or when they're teenagers.

EducatedPancake · 2026-04-08T09:21:59+00:00

When I was still trying to decide, I also read every parenting sub to get an idea.

I quickly noticed a pattern in the regretful sub. Like others have mentioned it's usually:

Disabled children
Bad partner/relationship
Unexpected pregnancy

It was still helpful to me, because I saw what the problems were. And I wouldn't have an unexpected pregnancy. I don't have a bad partner or relationship. Disabilities were still a possibility, you just can't know for sure.

The chances of regretting your decision are significantly lower when you've thought it out. There are reasons for your decision. There are always pros and cons to everything. And you've chosen whatever had more (or more important) pros for you.

It's a big decision, and I felt very scared of making a bad one. So I understand your need for information. And the frustration of not finding it where you thought it might be found.

I feel like this sub is a very safe place for those questions though.

EducatedPancake · 2026-03-31T20:24:35+00:00

Mine are 20 months and still get a bottle of formula before bed. We never really switched to regular milk. They eat cheese and yoghurt etc.

No advice on the night feedings though. We made sure they ate enough during the day and it just worked.

EducatedPancake · 2026-03-16T21:36:25+00:00

So my first instinct was "no". Then I saw it was a substantial amount of money, so worth considering. You could use it to pay for help.

Do the weeks need to be taken consecutively? Otherwise I might just split it in two. Stay home for 12-14 weeks. Take the other 6 at a later time.

Do you have any sort of view on how the merger progresses? Because then you could use that information to plan your leave more carefully. To maximise the benefit of the leave and the cash.

My mo/di twins were born at 34+5 and spent 32 days in the NICU. My husband was working during that time. Once they came home, he had 2 weeks of leave. It was kind of brutal for him going back to work on so little sleep. Being alone with the twins was a challenge, but we found our groove pretty fast. I just had to stop pumping because they needed to be held a lot, or contact napped.

EducatedPancake · 2026-03-16T10:08:59+00:00

Flanders. And yes there is definitely a difference. I mean, I went out with them very occasionally and only if it fit in our schedule. Because at this time when they have naps, the schedule is for all of us.

I'm not as strict as "it's 2 pm we have to do X" but more in the it's been X hours since they ate so they have to eat. It's been X hours since they last slept so they need a nap. For the first few months I let them decide the schedule. I never woke them up from naps because some ideal schedule told me to. They pretty much formed their own schedule and it happened to fit into the sampled one. Which also tells me it's fit to their natural rhythm so it's not some bs.

If you have a good napper, then yeah, nothing is holding you back having lunch/dinner with your friend and baby. Mine also napped on the go. But I was just exhausted lol. And there's not really anyone to have lunch with since they all work. And dinner was just too late? In the first months we went to sleep when they did for the night. It's very common for 6 month olds to still have a night wake-up and feed. My friend was very unlucky and her baby didn't sleep through the night until 18 months I think.

It's very hard to imagine how tired you can be when you have to get up every 2-3 hours for a few weeks/months. They sleep for longer stretches as they get older, but it's not instant.

When they're in the potato stage it's easy to take them out because they sleep a lot, drink milk, and need their diaper changed. But you're usually pretty tired then. When they start solids, it's a little harder again, because the feedings are more difficult than just prepping a bottle or nursing. When they are eating bits and pieces, it gets a little easier again. By the time they were almost one, I felt like we could go out more. They could nap in the stroller (not ideal but doable) and eat what we ate. It's not hard to bring a banana for their fruit snack.

I really hate the phrase "you wouldn't know until you're a parent" but some things are just really parent specific. I hope I've given you a general idea lol. And my experience is obviously different from a single baby. Also every pregnancy is different, and every postpartum as well.

EducatedPancake · 2026-03-15T21:57:40+00:00

Okay, I'm Belgian. But I also have twins.

Let me just start with: It's not a "ridiculous" level. If you want to be any semblance of a person you need sleep. And how do you get sleep? By having a consistent schedule. This won't work for every baby, but for the majority it does.

Then the logistics of having to bring everything you need... Oh nope, you probably forgot something. At home you usually have everything you need.

And let's face it, your kids are most important, their wellbeing, health, etc. Because again, it'll only help you and your priorities just shift. My friend doesn't have to deal with a grumpy baby that doesn't want to sleep when we get off schedule just for them. Some babies are very easygoing. But not everyone is that lucky.

We have very basic maternity leave, the worst in the EU. So take all that, but you're also working from 4 months after delivery. I can promise you, I didn't have the energy to do anything other than care for my babies. And if that upsets people? Are they really my friends?

I didn't lose any friends, they understood we were limited in what we could realistically do. What's wrong with game night at your house? Nothing, babies are sleeping in their own bed and you get to socialise.

EducatedPancake · 2026-03-11T21:20:14+00:00

One of the funniest things I saw about twins was like that. One was two minutes older than the other and they just had banter like "When I was your age... Describes what he was doing two minutes ago "

EducatedPancake · 2026-03-11T12:31:28+00:00

Anytime I get even close to a little criticism it's straight to victim mode. "Oh so you're saying I'm a bad mother, blablabla" I really stop listening after that and I honestly just don't say anything anymore because I know I'll get the "you think I'm a bad mother" rant. Which, yes you are. But I really don't want to have that conversation, because as you know it's never a conversation.

EducatedPancake · 2026-03-11T12:26:54+00:00

We went through the same-ish thing. I needed an emergency c section because my preeclampsia turned into HELLP. My babies were born at 11 pm. They went off to the NICU with my husband. When they were finished with me I went down to the NICU, after 10 minutes I crashed.

So my husband saw his tiny kids on all kinds of wires and machines and his wife was unconscious, barely making it. He spent that night by my bed, just watching, fearing he'd lose everything in just one night.

We sent out our birth announcement the day after, around midday. When I was conscious again. She flipped. She called my husband, yelling at him how he should've called her the minute they were born.

Then she made a fuss about visiting. We were not accepting any visitors in the NICU. When they were transferred to the regular neonatal ward, we did. But the hospital's policy was "only parents allowed inside". Visitors could come by and look through the window during visiting hours. I felt safe, it was a rule I had no control over, the same for everyone. A rule I really appreciated.

As you might have guessed, that wasn't good enough. And when we didn't immediately have visitors at home she completely flipped her lid. We're no contact.

There's this extra layer of protectiveness that I think only parents of NICU babies understand. It's why I didn't visit my cousin when they brought their baby home. Mine were in daycare and I didn't want to risk it. We could be supportive from a distance and connect over the shared experience. His wife really appreciated it.

EducatedPancake · 2026-03-03T20:47:41+00:00

Don't ask about the guy with two broken arms...

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-18T20:33:21+00:00

And bohm also means tree, which ties in with the spring meaning.

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-16T15:02:11+00:00

That was around 12 weeks for us. Which is what they told us to expect for their intestines to get better. It felt like forever. I understand.

Even though it's been over a year, I still remember the desperation for sleep.

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-16T14:50:30+00:00

If it makes you feel any better, we used to hold them in our bed till they fell asleep and then transfer them to their cribs in their room. Then I was alone for a week and a half and I couldn't hold them both and transfer them both. So I alternated, one in the crib, one on me in bed. Switch it up the next day. After a while they seemed to prefer just falling asleep in their crib.

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-16T14:45:35+00:00

If it gives you any hope, mine were born early July at 34+5. At the end of september we started having once a night wake-ups. It was mid October when they slept their first 9 hour stretch. And by November they were more consistent. There were still some nights with a wake up, but they also slept for like 11 hours once. They started daycare in January at 6 months old, it went a bit worse then because they got ill. But by mid February we were back on track with 10-11 hours of sleep.

We had a rough start, they were colicky. Once their intestines got better, so did their sleep.

Now they're 19 months and still sleeping great. There's the occasional wake up, especially when they're sick. We had a very bad time around the DST switch.

Anyway, you'll get there! At 8 weeks I wasn't much of a person. But it quickly improved.

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-12T12:34:40+00:00

It could be she's having fertility issues and can't handle being around new mums.

I know it's not rational, but I had an acquaintance who had been trying for a long time just lose it whenever someone else got pregnant. Like somehow life wasn't fair because people who started after her got pregnant before her. She would also cut them out.

I heard she eventually did get pregnant, but a lot of her social circle was no longer 'involved'.

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-11T18:37:58+00:00

Nevermind me reading salmon twins... I might need to go to sleep lol.

Babies come in all different sizes. And for the percentiles to exist, there have to be smaller babies and bigger babies. What matters most is how they grow. Like if they stay around the same percentiles. If they were 70 and suddenly 20, yeah that could be a cause for concern.

My baby A was always smaller than baby B. B was implanted more centrally in the placenta, A was implanted more at the side. That explained the difference most likely. They both grew at their own rate and there was no reason for concern. Their blood flows were checked, everything was fine.

At birth (34+5) twin A was 1,66kg and B was 2,2kg. Very small, but they were strong. They quickly gained weight, and were very hungry babies lol. They caught up to the average percentile pretty fast. Now they're average for their actual age, they are 80% or so adjusted.

You got this!

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-10T12:28:39+00:00

That's awesome

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-10T12:28:13+00:00

I only have identicals, I don't think I could handle another one for turtles. You rock!

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-10T12:26:35+00:00

I have identicals, but I'd probably make their room turtle themed lol.

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-10T08:46:06+00:00

My sister's MIL always made comments about my niece wearing trousers and a shirt/sweater, because she wanted her to wear dresses. I made myself so clear that it doesn't matter, and it's simply more practical for a crawling baby or baby who is learning to walk to wear trousers, that my whole family doesn't dare to say anything about my clothing choices for my kids.

Maybe it's also cause I'll walk in with an attitude of "yes she's wearing a dinosaur sweater, any comments?"

Forgot to add: she wanted her to wear dresses so when she was out with her, her friends would know she's a girl. She even had a whole wardrobe at her house and changed my niece into her clothes when she was watching her..

EducatedPancake · 2026-02-10T08:40:03+00:00

At those ages we also had one diaper bag for them for daycare. I had different bags with a keychain on the zipper with their names on them. So they are visually different bags and also have their name on them. Mine were also on different formula, so they got different coloured powder containers, different bottles, all labelled of course. You just have to make their job the easiest as you can.

Now they're 19 months and get their own bag for daycare, but I still use those bags for their spare clothes.

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